I couldn't sleep that night.

I lay in my bed restlessly gazing up at the dark ceiling. My heart was conflicted. The way it had reacted, the way my body had reacted, everything made it clear that I had a massive crush on Caleb Kingsley.

Was it possible? What were my feelings for Gray then?

Everytime I was with him, everything was perfect. I loved it when we touched. Made love. Even hearing his voice gave me butterflies. And yet, I couldn't deny it to myself that I wanted Caleb. Maybe, it was just physical, but that didn't make me feel any less guilty. Should I tell Gray what I was feeling? Should I tell him about the kiss?

But, it hadn't been just a kiss.

He had set my body on fire. I had wanted more. I knew he had wanted more. The sexual tension between us had turned into palpable heat, and I was afraid I would give in.

A dark, disgusting voice in the back of my head whispered. Would it be so bad if I gave in?

It would also be easier. So much easier.

If I wasn't with Gray, I wouldn't have waited a heartbeat to accept Caleb. He was a dream. For lack of a better term, a fucking wet dream. His curly hair, dazzling smile, alluring eyes, his intelligence, charisma. He had the ability to put me at ease, even though I hadn't known him for long. I could picture being with him.

I took a shuddering breath.

I'm a fucking monster.

Grayson had been nothing but nice to me. I knew he had flaws. I knew he was sometimes overbearing. But I still loved him. He knew me inside out and he still chose to love me. He had been there for me. And now...

Was I falling out of love with him?

No way. No fucking way.

It was only back at the university that I felt like I was getting obsessed with Caleb. I was just being immature. Caleb was just a crush. Those fucked up feelings would go away. They had to.

I reached for my phone, my heart hammering in my chest. Gray hadn't called ever since I had rebuked him hours ago. I wondered if I had been too harsh. The phone rang seven times before I hung up, frustrated. My stomach knotted uncomfortably. Was he ghosting me now?

I called him again. Again. No response.

It wasn't like Gray to do this. Everytime I had yelled or fought, he had always been patient. Understanding. Even if I was being irrational, immature.

I tried for a fourth time, sitting straight in my bed, my heart hammering. I gazed over at where Jem lay peacefully asleep. I bit my lip, taking deep breaths and praying he would pick up the phone. Finally, he did.

"Gray," I spoke breathlessly. "Are you ok-"

My blood ran cold when a loud female voice called from behind him. A horrifyingly familiar voice.

"Grayyyy, come onnnn! You never dance with me now...." a very drunk Victoria groaned. "Comeee babyyyy."

He sighed. "Xav, I'll call you later, okay? I have a situation going on here. I'm sorry. I love you."

He paused, as if waiting for me to reply. I hung up, throwing the phone angrily on the mattress. I didn't know what situation he was referring to. But I didn't feel too good about him being with a drunk ex. One like Victoria. What twisted game was she playing? Did she suddenly want him back?

I got to my feet, anger raging through me and glared at my cell phone as if it had personally harmed me. I took it and placed it in my pocket. My heart thudded violently in my chest, my blood pounding in my ears. I was barely thinking when I went to the door and opened it.

'I won't see her again if you don't want me to.'

Fucking liar.

He couldn't stop seeing his ex wife. He couldn't stop caring for her.

I made my way across the dimly lid corridor and towards the other wing. There was an empty quadrangle in the middle of the two wings with a large open area and a few wooden benches. My heart jumped to my throat when I saw Caleb lying down on the bench, his eyes fixed on a book that he held in his hands. His brows slightly furrowed in concentration.

His eyes flitted to mine the moment I walked into the quadrangle. A slight flush rose up my cheek and I saw that it was mirrored on his face. I knew both of us were thinking about our last meeting. He sat up straight and gazed at me. "You like to wander around at night as well?"

I went and sat beside him, trying to get a grip on my anger. "I just called Gray. He's with his wife."

I was stunned that I had revealed that information to him so easily. A horrifying thought crossed my mind.

Was I looking for an excuse to cheat?

"Oh," Caleb was quiet as he shut the book and placed it on the bench. He moved closer to me till I could feel the warmth, radiating off him. "Why?"

I shrugged. "He said he had a situation going on."

"What kind?"

I shrugged.

"Grayson...doesn't cheat," I spoke slowly. "I...he won't do this. He loves me. He's...perfect."

My voice choked up. I was overreacting. Looking for a reason to get mad at him. But then, it was justified of me to be angry that he was with his wife. His wife who wouldn't let him go. Who tortured him. He seemed to have more masochistic tendencies than I did.

"For two people in love, I find you justifying it way too many times. Plus," I turned to look at him as he continued. "You've only been apart for a short time and you've been mad at him for way too long."

I was quiet, rubbing the toe of my sneaker on the floor. "I cheated on him."

"I came on to you. Don't blame yurself," he spoke softly. He sounded sincere. "I'm sorry. It's...hard to control myself around you."

Fire coursed through my body. I turned my face away from him.

'Did you give someone else a chance, Xavier?'

I sucked in a deep breath. I had never found myself in a place where I had wanted to sleep with someone but couldn't. I had never felt so tied down. I wasn't used to it. I just desired Caleb. It was all physical. But I couldn't have him. He was forbidden food that I was starving to taste.

In less biblical terms, it was like having a boner twenty four seven and not being able to do anything about it.

We remained silent for a long time. Finally, he sighed. "Xavier..." I shivered when he leaned in and his lips reached my ear. He grazed his teeth on it. "I'm not the one to play around. I've made my feelings about you clear," I remained silent. His hot breath on my skin made goosbumps erupt along along it. My stomach knotted in anticipation. "I don't mean to sound crass, but..." his voice was husky. Low. Laced with hunger. Electricity coursed through my body. "I really...really...really want to fuck you. More...if you're willing."

I bit my lip. He hadn't touched me yet, and still I was breathless. "I have the wildest fantasies about you, Easton. I would give any fucking thing to have you."

I turned to look at him, my heart hammering in my chest. I gazed at his lips, slightly parted, as if inviting me. I was mesmerized, my lungs forgetting to breath when he leaned in. I shut my eyes, breathing hard. Waiting. "You've made me sleepless, Xavier."

He was like those popular guys I'd heard about. The high school ones whom everyone wanted to have or be. And he wanted me. It felt almost surreal.

Even just the way he said my name was so sexy. Sensual. I could imagine him moaning it. Screaming it. My most forbidden fantasies broke free as I imagined him naked. Riding him. Kissing every inch of his irresistible body.

I shuddered when he licked my lips. The tip of his tongue tracing a vertical line from the bottom of my lip, right to the cupid's bow. My mouth opened, inviting his tongue inside.

I was on fire.

"Come to my room," he whispered as he rose to his feet. He grasped my hand in his and started leading me towards his room. My brain disconnected from my body when we entered and he pushed me against the wall, his mouth finding mine hungrily.

His hands reached my waist, lower. He held me close, fitting his body with mine. I was barely thinking when his tongue entered my mouth, sucking on my lower lip. His scent, his touch, everything was intoxicating me. I knotted my fingers in his hair and pulled gently as he gasped. He led me over to the bed, pushing me down not-too-gently and climbing on top of me. He pinned my hands on the mattress, his lips travelling down to my neck and sucking eagerly. "Xavier..."

His hands reached for my tshirt, tugging it off me. My heart raced. No coherent thoughts in my mind. As if my brain had completely lost in front of my desires.

Immediately, his mouth travelled lower down. I shut my eyes, gazing at the unfamiliar ceiling. His lips trailed back to my jaw as he leaned back and removed his tshirt. I gazed at him. His chiseled abs, taut muscles. The defined V of his abdomen. Caleb Kingsley had the body of a Greek God.

But he wasn't Grayson.

He leaned over me, hooking my legs around his waist and buried his mouth in the crook of my neck. I bit my lip, my heart wrenching. What the fuck was I doing?

His teeth grazed my skin. It was wrong. It was all wrong.

He started grinding against me, whispering sweet nothings. My mind inadvertantly went back to the first time Gray had made love to me. The first time I had actually experienced love. How tender he had been. He had been kind. Patient. He had given me nothing except love and understanding. And here I was, cheating on him.

My heart ached as the memories flashed across the eye of my mind. The first time I ever met him. The first time I ever kissed him. The first time we ever made love. When he asked me to move in with him. How he told me he loved me. How he caressed, protected, held me, cared for me. If he knew where I was now, what I was doing, would he ever forgive me?

Worse, would I forgive myself?

The air rushed out of my lungs. My vision fading in and out of darkness. My heart raced uncontrollably, painfully. My blood turned to ice. I was terrified. The walls were closing in on me and I would be suffocated. I was barely aware of anything as I started shivering uncontrollably, my entire system closing up. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe.

Somewhere deep in the back of my head, a calm voice told me, 'Xavier, you're having a panic attack, love.'

Another panic attack.

Gray...

'Right here, baby. I need you to take a deep breath for me.'

I took a deep breath at his command. The most difficult one I ever had. My entire body shuddered with the effort.

Keep breathing, love.

I took deep breaths. He said he would protect me. But he wasn't here.

Where was I? Why was everything so dark?

My throat was dry. I knew I could protect msyelf from others, but my conflicting emotions and past memories were haunting me. I didn't know how to be protected from them. I placed my hand on my bare chest, as if making sure it was beating. It was racing, but still there.

It worked steadily. Assuredly. Like it was struggling to keep itself going. Just like I was.

I felt the gentle vibrations. Letting them warm my trembling hand.

The spinning colours dotting my vision slowly settled down. My rattled breathing lowering as I came to myself. I realized I was lying on my side on the bed, curled into foetal position.

"Xavier..do you need to see the doctor?"

Caleb's voice spoke softly. I was aware of him gently touching my face. "You're shivering."

Was I?

Caleb crouched down in front of me, his eyes concerned. "Has this happened before, Xav?" he caressed my face. "Xav?"

I resisted to urge to slap his hand away. It was all wrong. I wanted Gray. Needed him to hold me. Calm me down. Protect me like he always did. I gazed at Caleb, my heart a turmoil.

"Caleb....I'm...sorry for this," I whispered. "I think I do have a crush on you, but...there's only one person who can handle me at my worst. Who can accept me for what I truly am. I've been the ugliest in front of him, Caleb. You...don't know."

For a second, I thought I saw his eyes glistening, but then he blinked and they were back to normal. "I...can handle you at your worst, Xavier," he whispered. "If you give me-"

"I know you can, Caleb," I whispered back, my throat choking up with tears. I was overwhelmed. "But I don't want you to. I don't want to break in front of you. I don't want to be ugly in front of you. You're not...safe."

I didn't know what I was saying. All I knew was that I wanted to impress Caleb Kingsley. I didn't want him to know my past. I didn't want him to see me ugly. But with Gray, I didn't really care. He had seen me at my lowest, covered in my own vomit. I had been a mess in front of him. Got shot. Assaulted. Hurt. Drunk. Drugged. Naked in multiple ways. He had seen my bare body when it was covered in bruises. He had made love to me when it was yearning for him.

For the five long years that I hadn't have anyone in the world. Even now. At the end of the day, I wanted to return to him.

This time, I was sure Caleb's eyes were glistening. He smiled sadly and shook his head. "He's one lucky bastard."

"I'm luckier."

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. I felt guilty even at that contact. He gazed at me. "Anything I can do to help, Xavier?"

I sighed softly, shutting my eyes. I could only think of one thing. Gray.

"Caleb...can I borrow your car?"