I woke up to the smell of melted cheese.

My nose had always remained super sharp, something that came in handy in my line of business. I opened my eyes and figured that I had fallen asleep, leaning on the armrest of the couch. Gray had covered me with a blanket while I slept. I snuggled into it, gazing ahead, wondering where he was.

As if on cue, he walked out of the kitchen, holding a food-laden tray with two steaming cups on it. He smiled softly at me. "Goodmorning, love."

My heart lurched painfully in my chest. I had been half-naked in bed with another man a few hours ago. I didn't deserve his kindness. I managed to give him a soft smile. "Goodmorning."

He set the tray on the tabled and came closer to me, leaning down to kiss the top of my head. I shut my eyes at the action, my stomach churning in guilt. "You hungry?"

I rose to my feet and walked to the bathroom, washing my face and mouth. I gazed dismally into the mirror as last night's events returned to me. I shuddered slightly. I felt like a sinner. I knew I was one. Not telling him was killing me. I felt like I had a hot dagger stuck in my heart. But the thought of telling him was equally terrifying. Whatever Caleb and I had, had reached too far now. 

Even the thought of Caleb made me want to curl into a ball and cry. I didn't hate him. I didn't love him. In all honesty, I knew I was still attracted to him. And somehow, all these feelings were tearing me apart more and more till I felt like I was suffocating. 

Each of my steps weighed me down when I finally walked out of the bathroom. We sat on the couch and ate silently. I was aware of him studying me intently. I knew he was impatient to know what had got me here in the first place. I took a deep breath as I finished the last bite of my sandwich and finally looked at him. He had a carefully careless look as he took a sip of the tea. I gazed into his familiar green eyes, my stomach clenched nervously. I had to tell him. He deserved that much.

"I..." I took a shuddering breath, my words dying in my throat. Why was it suddenly so difficult to tell him what had happened?

He gazed at me curiously, prodding. "Xaby?"

I could tell him and let him make the decision of whether he wanted to stay with me. But it had just been a kiss. 

No. It hadn't. What I had done crossed all the lines. I shuddered to think if I would have slept with him, had I not had a blackout at the last moment. He placed his hand on mine and I shivered at the familiar contact. Guilt racked my insides. It was difficult to speak. I felt alone all of a sudden. Burdened by a dirty lie. I would hurt him whether I decided to keep it to myself, or whether I decided to tell him.

"Xaby, what happened? You suddenly came here at three in the morning. It has to be som-"

"It...it was nothing," I shook my head. The words spilling out before I could wrap my head around them. "Just...a stupid disagreement that kind of escalated to a brawl."

My heart constricted painfully. Why the fuck was I lying?

His eyes darkened. "Who was it? Did they hurt you?"

I shook my head and took another sip of the coffee. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I bring myself to tell him the truth? It had always been so easy, to be honest with him. Why was it so difficult now?

Somewhere deep inside me, I knew the answer.

I was afraid if I told Gray that I had been attacked on my way out of the university, he would freak out. I was almost sure he would stop me from going back to the university. Ask me to study via distance learning until the culprits were apprehended. And I hated the thought to keep waiting for Gray like a lost puppy. Revulsion ravaged my insides at my next thought.

I wouldn't get to see Caleb.

What if I did see him again? Did I actually want Caleb Kingsley? Was I attracted to him or just the idea of him? Was I entranced with the idea of having a secret, forbidden affair like in some dark twisted fantasy? 

I had taken pleasure in danger, and now, I was jeopardizing my own aching love for some twisted thrill. I was sick. For the life of me, I couldn't imagine waking next to Caleb. But I could imagine fucking him.

Not making love as I did to Grayson.

Things with Gray were warm. Sweet. Comfortable. Caleb was like pouring rain that only enticed me for a short while, but I was already drenched.

He placed the cup back on the table and shook his head. "Like one of those loud drunken brawls?" he shook his head, looking genuinely concerned. Somewhere, a piece of my heart unhinged and shattered soundlessly. "I know you hate those kinds of loud altercations, Xaby. If it gets overwhelming, you should remain in your room. Just let them know you don't like that sort of raucousness."

I nodded, my heart hammering wildly in my chest. I was jeopardizing myself by not telling Gray. But I knew he would get overprotective. I was capable enough to handle myself. I wasn't new to dangers. He rose to his feet after drinking his tea and leaned over to the kiss the top of my head. "I have to leave now, love," he had a secret smile on his face, his eyes shining. My stomach knotted when his lips reached mine, his mouth coaxing mine open. I let his tongue enter mine, remaining still as he kissed me. My brain was frozen.

Inadvertently I thought of Caleb and the way his lips had felt. Comparing the kisses. Caleb's lips had felt like a thrilling adventure, a forbidden dream. Gray's felt comfortable. Tender. Soft.

He gazed down at me, something strange in his eyes. "Are you alright, Xavier?"

I nodded. Lying again.

"Xaby?" he pulled the chair near to me and sat on it, caressing my face. "You're acting strange, Xaby. What's wrong? You returned, that's pretty extreme. Are you sure it just a brawl? You'd tell me if they hurt you right?"

I shook my head again, my chest constricting. "I'm just...tired."

He knew I was lying. Of course, he did.

He turned his face away as my stomach turned guiltily. The hint of something secret flashing in his eyes again. I wasn't sure what it was. He rose to his feet and looked down at me. "I'll see you tonight."

I kept staring at him as he left. For once, I was glad to be left alone. My messed up thoughts were rising in a catastrophic tornado, and I was afraid I would drown under the deluge.

"I will go to see Scarlett today Gray," I told him, as I gazed up at him, my heart heavy. "We thought we'll go to this coffee shop."

He sighed softly and nodded, walking back to me and leaning in to kiss me gently. He turned towards the door for a second time and then returned suddenly, walking towards the staircase instead. I gazed at him curiously as he nodded at me, gesturing me to wait with a raised hand and walked up the staircase. I rose to my feet and stood at the foot of it, curious.

He descended after a few minutes, something wrapped in a cloth in his hand. He took a deep breath and handed it to me. My heart froze in terror.

"Gray, I can't-"

"You have a license."

I shook my head. "I don't like-"

"Xavier, please. I hate the idea of you being helpless. I've been meaning to give this to you ever since that incidence at the bar. Just, keep it okay?"

I gripped the metal under the cloth tightly, my heart racing. I had practised using a gun during my stint at the Crime Department. However, it wasn't something I was particularly keen at. I wasn't a fan of loud sounds or shooting people in general. "It...it might be risky. At the univers-"

"If there are any issues, you tell me. I'll handle it. But you're keeping this." He said firmly, leaving a thin room for argument.

I gazed at him, my heart seizing at the genuine concern behind his green irises. I nodded finally. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, caressing my face. "Don't be afraid to use it, Xavier," he said. "Even if you're just suspicious. Immobilize. Try to find cover and stay out of sight. If they're close, grab the wri-"

I smiled softly. I knew he worried too much about him and everything that he was telling me were things I already knew. I pouted, deciding to mess with him a little. "Okay, daddy."

He stopped talking at once, his eyes twinkling as he burst out laughing. He pulled me close and bit my ear playfully as I gave out an exaggerated yell. "You're quite cocky, aren't you?"

"Maybe it's because you haven't punished me enough lately."

He chuckled. "Only you can come up with something like this under such a situation, Xav," he leaned back, smiling. His hands remained on my waist as he nuzzled my nose with his. "I love you, Xavier."

I was quiet. I wanted to say it back to him, but guilt ravaged my insides. He kissed me and I was saved the compulsion of saying anything. But the way I had stuttered, terrified me. Dark, doubtful thoughts slithering out of the blackest corner of my heart.

When he leaned back, I saw a hint of doubt in his eyes. Why couldn't I say it back to him?

He leaned back in and kissed me again. Again. His hands reaching lower down my body and gripping me close. I remained still, somehow paralyzed. His mouth left mine, both of us breathless. He touched his forehead to mine, a shrouded sadness in his eyes. "Xavier...I love you."

I hated the way he sounded. Almost pleading. I was terrified of telling him. I was terrified of not telling him. 

He sounded as if he knew what was going on in my mind. As if he knew of the second thoughts I was having. He straightened up, caressing my face tenderly as he waited for a response that I never returned. I smiled at him, my heart spiralling into an unending chasm. "I will see you tonight." 

                                                                                                   *

I rolled my eyes.

Scarlet groaned as her phone rang for what I was sure was the dozenth time. She shook her head and reached for her purse, pressing the phone to her ear and giving me an apologetic smile. I leaned my elbow on the table and gazed around at the otherwise deserted shop.

It was a quaint little shop that Scarlett had been raving around and asked me to meet her at. Lying almost at the exact centre between the east and the west, it had been a perfect place for us to meet up. I took a sip of the latte and gazed at the large window to my right, overlooking a busy street with loud traffic that was thankfully muffled behind the glass. The entire theme there was red and brown, something that frankly looked rather nice. After a few minutes, she hung up the phone and shook her head.

"I'm so sorry, Xav."

"That's okay," I said and sighed dramatically. "I know that now you're this huge starlet..billionaire...popular-OW!"

She kicked my shin under the table as pain shot up my leg and I grimaced. "Er...what the fuck?"

She grinned at me and raised her mug of hot chocolate, flashing me a toothy grin. "Cheers, Xav!"

"Enough about me," she said after a while of chatting about the various deals her mom had kept and she had had to scrap. I was surprised that even in prison, Rosalie wasn't trying to interfere with Scarlett. Although, with her newfound confidence, I wasn't sure she would listen to her mother anyway. "How's university?"

"Alright," I shrugged, feeling suddenly uncomfortable and reached for a piece of the cubed dark chocolate that she had ordered. I bit into it and chewed it slowly, deliberately. Hoping she would gloss over the topic.

"Did you meet anyone?"

I coughed. Wheezing to catch my breath, my eyes watering when I finally came to myself and saw her staring at me, shocked.

"Er...yeah. There's my roommate. Jeremiah. He's pretty cool. Although..." I shook my head, worry forming in my chest. "He's been kinda sick this week. We're gonna take him to the hospital as soon as we can."

She nodded. "That's it?"

I took a deep breath and brought the coffee cup to my lips. "Er....yeah. There's this guy, Caleb. He's pretty chill." I took a large sip of the coffee. Way too large. My mouth burnt by the time I painfully swallowed it. 

"You're blushing."

My heart somersaulted. "No? My tongue is burning."

She giggled. "Oh. Em. Jee!" she started laughing. "I can't believe you have a crush. That's so cute!"

I gazed at her, stunned as she broke into a fit of giggles. My face and neck were heating up. I leaned in close to her and spoke. "Stop it, Scar. I...I have a boyfriend."

She shrugged, her eyes twinkling. "So?"

 I blinked, leaning back. "Er...so?"

She sighed and shook her head. "You need lessons, Xavier," she shook her head again, sighing dramatically. "You can be in love with someone and still get a crush. It's not an issue unless you know-" she shrugged and reached for another cubed chocolate, popping it in her mouth. "Something happens between you two."

My face was blazing. Her eyes widened. "Oh...did you-?"

"No."

"Kiss?"

"Oh," I spoke, my heart hammering nervously. "Er..yes."

"How...many times?" she asked, her eyes wide.

"A...few."

"Whoa," she leaned back against the red couch. "Xavier, does Gray know about this?"

I shook my head, alarmed. "Why should he? It...it was nothing."

She bit he lip and glanced away from me. Her reaction was making me really uncomfortable. "What...why do you ask?"

"Is he nice?" she asked. "Which year is he in? Does he like you back?"

"Yeah he's...incredible," I spoke in a rush. "He's really really smart and handsome and sexy. He's a doctoral candidate and...yeah, he has a crush on me."

"You're...gushing, Xavier," she shook her head, raising an eyebrow. Her uncharacteristically serious eyes made me shrink. "Are you sure that it's just a crush?"

"Of course!" I said, shaking my head defiantly. "He's just...really attractive."

"Do you..." she took a deep breath. "Can you imagine things happening with him?"

I looked away from her, not meeting her gaze. The truth was that I could. Maybe it was the newness of it all that was making me fantasize about him so much. Dark, forbidden thoughts that made me hate myself. "I...maybe."

"If you weren't with Gray, would things happen?" she prodded.

I bit my lip, my chest hollow. I couldn't answer. I wasn't sure I could bear to hear the answer myself. She shook her head. "This...this isn't right, Xav," she looked agonized when she spoke. "Not for you, for neither of you. You need to tell Gray the truth. Tell him about the kisses."

I rose to my feet, leaving the coffee cup half-filled and started walking towards the exit. She sighed, exasperated, and followed me outside after paying. We walked silently. She had to walk briskly to keep up with me. I didn't want to think about anything. My heart was ripping apart. "I'm not going to return you that money by the way," I said, trying to lighten the mood. "I think you can do without that."

She smacked me on the arm and opened her mouth to speak. "Xa-"

I gripped her hand tightly and stared in front of me at the busy street. I could see the unmistakeable, blonde, curly hair of Caleb Kingsley sitting in what looked like a minivan. Victor Montgomery was with him. They had stopped at the redlight near the crossing. My breath ceased and I felt a sudden pang of jealousy. "What..is he doing here?"

I was aware of Scarlett gaping at me, open-mouthed. I stared at them for a while before the light changed to green and they took off. 

"Xavier, you're crushing so hard on this guy."

I was quiet, realizing that she was right. The way my heart was creating to Caleb Kingsley wasn't normal. I had to tell the truth to Grayson. The thought terrified my core, my stomach bubbling in angst for the terrifying future.