I was quiet, listening to Gray's heartbeat as I lay my face against his chest. His arm reached around my waist, pulling me in closer as he stroked my back. I sighed softly, snuggling against him on the couch, my mind blissful for once.

I gazed, unseeing at the television. It was some old movie that Grayson had loved. I didn't really care for movies much, but he had insisted on a movie date tonight. Being close to him, cuddling into his warmth was making my heart colder somehow. He was still my home, but no matter what I did, I could not stop thinking about Caleb. Guilt racked me from the inside. Every time I looked at Gray, I wanted to tell him. And yet somehow, I couldn't find the courage. I was torn.

He stroked my hair gently, my back, my arms, my face. My body was never devoid of his caressing touch. I relaxed into him and shut my eyes.

"Xavier," he whispered. I moaned softly at the way the vibrations from his deep voice reverberated in his chest, feeling it against my cheek. "Love?"

I placed my chin on his chest and gazed up at him. "Yeah?"

"I love you, Xavier," he kissed my forehead, filling my heart with warmth. "I love you so damn much."

My throat felt tight. "I love you too, Gray."

"You...make me really happy," he whispered. I could see the dim yellow lights from the room reflecting in his enigmatic irises. "And...I think you're perfect for me."

My stomach clenched slightly in anticipation. Gray often showered me with compliments, but something felt different this time. He caressed my face tenderly. "I never thought that I would actually ever be in a relationship again but...you came in and just-" he laughed softly, "made everything so much better."

My heart wrenched in my chest. I was a cheater. I was a lying, cheating, manipulative monster.

"Gray-" I opened my mouth to own up to the truth, my heart thundering in my chest. 

His blissful smile shut me up. He caressed my face gently. "There's something I wanted to tell you," he beamed at me. "Victoria...she says she wants to move on and try to build her own life. That she was thankful for whatever I did and she agreed to file for a mutual divorce."

My heart hammered in my chest, a thrill of ecstasy travelling up my spine. I leaned back, smiling like an idiot. "That's incredible, Gray!"

I leaned towards him and kissed him, my heart full.

He laughed, his eyes twinkling. "Yep," he shook his head. "I honestly can't believe it.

I nuzzled his nose with mine, unable to stop smiling. "Believe it, baby."

He kissed me deeply, our mouths opening hotly against each other. I felt another pang of guilt in my heart. There was no way I could keep it a secret. I had to tell him now.

"And...the Crime branch from Colorado reached out to us, they need some international assistance on this high profile trafficking case," he shook his head, his eyes shining with euphoria when he gazed at me. "And, Luka suggested my name."

My heart seized in my chest, my stomach churning in anticipation. "Col...orado? Isn't that in...another...country?"

My head refused to comprehend. My blood running cold as he continued.  

"I know that it a lot of changes but..." he smiled softly, his happiness radiating off him warmly that seemed to chill me to my bones as if anticipating what he would say. He stroked the hair off my forehead and kissed my temple. "It could be like a new begin-"

I rose to my feet, disentangling from himself and stomped out of there, my entire body shaking with suppressed rage. What the fuck was he thinking? How could he want to rip everything away suddenly when I had finally started earning my own footing?

I went over to the kitchen and opened the fridge violently, my blood pounding in my head. I took out a bottle of water and started gulping it down, hoping the chilled water would cool my blazing blood. 

I was aware of him standing quietly behind me. I placed the bottle back in the fridge and turned to him, panting. "What the fuck do you even mean?"

Everything was so sudden. I felt like I was at the top of a rollercoaster and had suddenly started falling down. I was moving uncontrolled through a tunnel and didn't know how to stop. "Gray, I'm not-"

I heaved, doubling over as I tried to breathe. My vision was fading, dotted with bright lights. I didn't know if it was some manifestation of a panic attack again, but I couldn't care less. "You want to leave the fucking country? How the f-"

"I know it's scary, Xaby," he said, his voice panicked, something that shocked me. "But, we'll be together. It'll take you just a while for you to settle in and then-"

I couldn't speak, my ears blocking out his words as he rambled on. I had been freaking out about him leaving the country, now I realized that he was expecting me to go along with him. My rage swirled in a raging inferno.

"Xav...Xav..."

He walked closer to me, his eyes studying me intensely as I breathed hard. "Xav, are you-"

"No I'm not fucking okay, Gray!" I said, struggling to keep my lungs functional. "You..you drop this massive fucking bomb on me. You know I'm not...I don't like...change. How do you expect me to just move again? I have zero stability and-"

"No, No..." he shook his head firmly. "No Xav, I'll...it's okay. You don't have to worry about anything, alright? I'll...'ll support you," his cheeks flushed a bright red and my heart stopped in my chest as he reached for his pocket and took out a tiny velvet box. "Xaby, I...hoped this would be under less delirious circumstances  but, I just-"

"Gray, please-" I pleaded, my voice feeble. Trembling. "Please don't do-"

"You mean the world to me now, Xavier. And if you let me...I..." he took a shuddering breath. I was nauseous. "I would like to... spend my entire life trying to make you as happy as you make me. I know this may be too soon, but...it doesn't really matter to me. I have loved you every day since the last five years and will continue to do so till my last breath."

My entire body was paralyzed. I was almost afraid I was going to have another panic attack. "Gray...don't...don't-"

Everything was so fucked up. Everything was so damaged. I had to tell him what mistake he was making. I had to tell him I kissed Caleb. I was dying on the inside. When I had got into a relationship with Gray, I hadn't really given a thought to our future. I was just happy to be with him. In times like these, the differences in our dynamics stood glaring. He was ready to settle down, and I wasn't.

My entire body was entrapped in a block of ice when I saw, as if in slow motion as he got to his knees, a soft blush on his cheeks as he opened the box and held it in front of me. 

I took a shuddering breath, on the verge of tears. I felt like something was impaling me, banging my head ruthlessly against the wall. "Gray...Gray..."

"Xavier Froye Easton, will you marry me?"

I shut my eyes, the words setting a catastrophic explosion in my body that made me want to curl into a ball. 

My world crashed.

My vision tunnelled. I couldn't breathe. I stared at the sparkly ring which was blurred around the edges, unable to comprehend. I struggled and took heaving breaths, staring at him. He remained in his stance, gazing at me hopefully. A few months ago, I would have achieved heaven if Grayson Shelby had proposed to me. He had meant everything, my entire life revolving around him. But now, the situations had changed. I had my own life. I had my own identity. And he was asking me to give up everything that I had built for myself. Everything that he had wanted me to have. He was just ripping it away from me. Just like that.

"Xav-"

"Gray, are you fucking insane?"

My words were hoarse, sounding alien. His eyes widened as he quickly seemed to realize his mistake. "There's no rush, Xaby. I just-" 

My trembling body and electrified brain were barely paying any attention to him. "Xavier...I just-" he sounded desperate. "I-I'm sorry. I just..." he sighed deeply.  "I...I just want to be with you, Xavier. I love you."

I took deep, shuddering breaths. None of his words made sense to me. My hand trembled, my fingers cold and unfeeling. He touched my shoulder gently and I wrenched my arm away from him as if scalded.

"Why...why...you can't...I just started....leave everything...new...I can't..."

I was overwhelmed. I spoke incoherently, hiding my face in my hands as I struggled to keep my vital organs functional. "Gray, I just found a footing here. I just started finding an identity. I can't...I can't do it all again-"

He looked helpless. "It's a really good opportunity, Xaby. And I found a great university there which will fit you perfectly. It-"

"For...me?" I glared at him, suddenly seeing a stranger. "You...what?"

"Xav-"

There was no fucking way I was ready for marriage. Hell, I wasn't sure I would ever be. My initial shock was transcending to destructive fury. "When will you fucking stop making decisions for me? You're not my mom, Grayson."

I knew I was being cruel. Unjustified even. But I couldn't believe he would go to such lengths to shackle me in.

"I just-" he looked upset, almost scared. It shocked me further. "I don't want to force you. I just...you've only been here a few weeks. We can be together there, love. It would be so much bet-"

"Yes. For you."

He gaped silently and shook his head. "For us, Xav."

"It's not fucking fair, Gray," I shook my head, balling my fists so hard that I could feel my fingernails digging into my palms. My entire body shook with rage. I wanted to scream at him. Try to knock some sense into him. "You can't just make me move in with you whenever the fuck you want. You can't just send me away to university whenever you want. You can't just fucking ask me to move with you to an entire damn country. Do my opinions mean shit to you?"

I was yelling now, my voice sounding somehow amplified in the scarcely decorated room. I was shocked when he took a step back, his eyes wide. As if suddenly terrified. "Xav...I'm...so sorry. I honestly didn't-"

"I'm twenty-one, Gray," I yelled. "Do you realize how massive a commitment it is-"

He shuddered slightly. "Xav..." his voice was strained. Almost inaudible. "Please...don't scream."

I stopped at once, my heart aching. "Gray-"

"I was just trying to think of us, Xavier," he whispered. It was getting harder and harder to listen to his low voice and I was getting pushed further off the edge. "I thought...I thought you wanted-"

"Gray...I can't..." I shook my head. "I don't have any stable standing. I don't know shit about how normal life works. I am not ready for this kind of a thing. And when the fuck were you planning to tell me that you're leaving the damn country?"

"I...I didn't kno-" he was quiet suddenly, his face anguished. I waited for his response, but none came. 

I glared at him, feeling like something had broken between us. He was ready to commit to me. Commit to us. But I was delirious that he hadn't thought it prudent to even ask me if I was alright with moving to a different college, let alone another country.

He had wanted me to experience the normalcy of life. He had wanted me to go to university. And now that I was finally carving a niche, now that I was finally building myself, my life, he was trying to pull me back in. Splintering and burning down everything I built for my own self.

"You didn't even fucking ask?" I shook my head, trying hard to keep my voice even. "You didn't even think...you're so unfair, Gray. I don't like changes. And I've made so many...I can't make another change, Gray. I'm happy there."

My voice shook with emotions. How could he do this to me?

"I was just concentration on the first part, Xavier," his voice sounded weak. "Of us, getting engaged. Of us being together. Finally. I don't want to take anything away from you, Xavier. But this way, you can have it both ways. You can create your identity as you want and we can still be toge-" his voice died in his throat. When he spoke again, it was hoarse. "I thought...it's what you wanted." 

"I...I do want it, Gray," my voice broke, my heart-shattering. I wasn't sure if I did want it. Did I even deserve him after what I'd done? "Just...just not like this. You can't keep uprooting me again and again. I'm not...I don't like it."

He was quiet. He gazed at me for a long time before sighing and raking a hand through his hair. There was no way he would want to be with me if he knew what I had done.

"I'll quit. I'll tell them I can't leave the country. I don't-"

My heart seized. "But...you really want to go."

He bit his lip, his eyes agonized. "Not as much as I want to be with you."

I could see the hopefulness in his eyes, and it broke me. I knew he wanted to go. It was a great opportunity for him. But he didn't want to leave me, maybe he had just never thought it to be a problem. That I would bend to his commands like I always had. And now that I hadn't, we had reached a deadlock.

And I couldn't find a way out.

"You...you should go." My voice sounded detached when I spoke. My heart pulsating with ache.

His eyes widened. "It's a contract under the intelligentsia there. For three years, Xaby," he shook his head. "It's okay, I don't-"

"That sounds like an incredible opportunity," I whispered, tearing my eyes away from the intoxicating green. "You...shouldn't miss it."

"Xavier...I can't...I can't stay away fro-"

"I'm...asking you to, Gray," I whispered, my vision hazy when I finally looked at him. "I... can't be responsible for making you take such a decision. I feel...shackled. I feel small Gray."

His face was pale, he shook his head and moved closer to me, cradling my face in his hands as he gazed down at me. I almost broke at his touch. "No...I'm not making you responsible for anything, Xavier. It's my dec-"

Tears fell down my eyes and I took a step back from him. I took a deep breath and decided to tell him the truth, even though it was breaking me. I would tell him the truth. Maybe he would hate me just a little. Maybe he would leave me. I had to tell him. "I..." a ragged sob escaped me, my entire body trembling, paralyzed with fear and burning in shame. "I kissed Caleb."

His face went pale, his body was frozen for a while. For a second it seemed like he wasn't on earth at all. The words hung in the silent air like a death sentence. The silence was deafening.

For an agonizing minute, he was quiet, the sole sound that of the blood pounding in my ears. His expression was unfathomable. When he looked back at me, the haunted look in his eyes made the floor fall away from under my feet. I felt empty. I wanted to apologize to him, but my guilt was weighing me down. My words would feel empty.

"You...you...kissed...him?"

White-hot daggers pierced my heart at his expression. His eyes were dark. His voice was broken. Like his soul had shattered. He gripped the table as he leaned over it, speaking softly. "This...guy. Caleb. Do you...like him?"

"Gra-"

"You...like him?"

My chest felt constricted. My body, unfeeling. "It's...just a crush."

He looked defeated. I couldn't bear to look at him. For a moment I wished he would yell at me. Hurt me. So that I didn't feel like such a monster. I repeated in a feeble voice. "I...it's a crush."

He tore his eyes from me, his chest rising and falling rapidly. When he looked back at me, his eyes were glistening. It broke me. "What...what did I do wrong, Xavier?"

His voice was a mere whisper. A plea. I shook my head, taking shuddering breaths. My entire body trembled. It was cold. Unbearably so. "N..nothing, Gray. I j-"

His voice broke. Everything that had gone wrong between us returned to me. Him with Victoria. Taking her to the doctor even without telling me. His eagerness to send me away. His eagerness to bring me back. His sudden proposal. Him asking me to leave the country with him. Leave everything I had built here. Him telling Andrews about my panic attacks. I felt like he was tossing me around like a rag doll. And I, in turn, was cheating on him like a monster. Lying half-naked in the arms of a practical stranger. Almost sleeping with him. Imagining him. My cheating had surpassed the boundary of 'mistake.'  How did we reach here? Grayson had meant the world to me. He still did. What had I been thinking? 

 Caleb's words returned to me. I wasn't thinking rationally. I was cheating on him. It was unfair. It was unjustified how good he was. He needed to know that I wasn't the perfect guy he thought I was. The thought barely formed in my mind when the words slipped out.

"What's...what's happening to us, Gray?" I whispered, my voice choked.

He gazed at me as if his heart was breaking. As if he knew what was coming. "If it's just a crush, we can-"

"You...you don't know, Gray. I...I am horrible for doing this to you. You're giving me too much leverage. I don't think I have quite grasped the concept of a relationship yet and you're already on this another level."

I bit my lip, holding back a sob. He was quiet, a strange understanding in his eyes. It angered me. He looked like he had accepted it already.

"I can't...live like this," I said finally, struggling to keep my voice even. "I cheated on you, Gray. You....you don't deserve this. I cheated on you and it's killing me. It's not been that long but I feel like we're drifting apart already. Hiding things from each other. I've told you, I don't like you to make decisions for me. I don't like how paranoid you get about me. I don't like how overbearing you have become, Gray. And I hate myself for hurting you. And I wish you would yell at me or hurt me but I know you won't. And I don't want to hold you back."

He took a deep breath, letting the air out of his mouth as if trying to hold himself back.

"I...I can't live with this anymore," shards of glass pierced my chest when my own words fell on my ears. "I...I need a break from this. From...us."

He glanced away from me. He didn't say anything for a long while. I was scarcely aware that my face was wet with tears. He finally looked at me and my entire world disappeared in the emerald. It had taken every ounce of my courage to utter the words to him. I didn't know why I had said them. I just knew that our relationship sometimes felt like a trap, and I wanted to be free. I just knew that he was the embodiment of everything good in this world, and I was nothing but a sinner for hurting him. 

"Xavier," he whispered, his eyes glistening again. "Please...don't leave me."

My entire body ran cold. I was encased in a block of ice. I took a gasping breath. Silence fell between us. I felt like the entire world had come to a standstill. I was heaving. I couldn't breathe. The silence so defining that I wanted to scream. He gazed at me with love that made my entire body ache. But I couldn't yield. I had thought that our differences made us perfect for each other, but now, I wondered if I had been delusional.

There was something wrong with me. He had given me everything, and like a lying, twisted,  manipulative cheat, I had hurt him. 

He was silent for a long while before he nodded, taking a deep breath, his eyes bloodshot. Like he had accepted defeat. "I...I know I'm difficult, Xavier," he said. "I know you can have so much better so maybe-" he shuddered, a single tear rolling down his face as he took a deep breath. I took a step closer to him, almost running back to the only man I had ever loved. The only man who had ever loved me back in my ugliest, most raw form.

"You know..." he smiled sadly, shaking his head. "I can never love anyone like I love you, Xavier. You're...everything to me. I told you, there's nothing you can do that will ever not make me want you."

I splintered.

"I lo-"

"No," he whispered. "Don't make this harder."

I tried to speak again, sobbing like a child. "I do."

"You should leave."

He whispered hoarsely, his voice barely legible. I was in a trance as if walking through a viscous fluid. If I had wanted freedom, why was my heart shattered?

I kept staring at him, my brain irrational. Was it over? All those years of knowing him. All those secret touches and kisses and nights. All the times he had patched me up. Everything we had been through.

Over?

Why was he letting me go? Why wasn't he yelling at me? Why wasn't he angry? If he could just be a little cruel to me. If he could just stop loving me with the aching tenderness like he always had. If he could just make me pay. But maybe, I didn't deserve that gratification. I wouldn't get to see him. I wouldn't get to love him. I didn't know how to breathe without him. 

That would be my absolute damnation. That would be my atonement. That unbearable agony of realisation that Grayson Shelby was too good for a sinner like me.

He walked towards the staircase silently, not looking at me as he spoke. "Take care, Xavier. I..." he took a shuddering breath, his voice breaking as he spoke the next words. "I wish I was good enough."

I heard his rapid footsteps climb up the staircase, leaving me alone. I stared at my hands as if making sure I was not a phantom. As if making sure the surreality was real. As if making sure that my relationship with Grayson was over.

I felt suffocated. The very air around me a shroud intent on strangling me to death. 

He had sounded defeated. Like he was done fighting. He never argued with me anyway. He treated me like I was fragile. To be protected. Revered. His spirit had sounded broken.

And I was a monster.

His receding footsteps sounded like a death sentence. What the fuck was I doing? The moment he had gone, I wanted to beg. Grovel. Plead for him to come back. But I knew I didn't deserve him. Maybe he would be fine. Maybe he would be okay. 

I took a shuddering breath, my heart numb. Walking timelessly as if through zero gravity as I made my way outside, away from a part of me. Away from Grayson. Away from the drug that had kept all my anguish away.

I was drowning, and I didn't know how to surface.