Wrong.

It felt so wrong.

I felt a tangible ache in my heart when a stranger's lips travelled down my body. Caleb was somehow rougher than Grayson had felt. Even though his touch was tender, as if almost afraid. His lips mouth travelled lower and lower, sucking on my skin. Through my drunken haze, I was barely aware of his touch. His hands reached between my legs and a shock wave travelled through my body.

Gray.

"Caleb...stop."

He stopped at once, leaning back to look at me. "Xav-?"

I stared up at the warped ceiling, trying to get hold of my senses. "S..stop."

He sighed softly and lay down beside me. I felt my stomach knotting in guilt. Sooner or later I was going to have to get over Grayson, but I was going to give myself time to grieve. 

We lay quietly, our bodies close together and yet a vast distance between us. What had I been thinking? I took a  deep breath, struggling to keep my voice even as I answered. "S...sorry. I'm so sorry, Caleb."

He turned to his side and stroked my cheek. I almost flinched at his touch. "It's okay, Xav. I know its hard. You really seem to love  him."

I bit my lip and glanced away from him. I did love him. But why had I hurt him then? It was ripping me apart. I shut my eyes, my stupor lulling me into a restless sleep. "Can I...stay here?"

I barely heard his whispered response before I gave in to the suffocating darkness.

                                                                                          *

I woke up to seventeen missed calls.

My heart leapt in hope. It had to be Grayson. 

My head throbbed with the effort of lifting my phone up and I barely managed to open my eyes and stare at the unfamiliar number. I fought the overwhelming sadness that rattled my heart when I didn't see the familiar name with the little heart beside it. I battled the urge to throw my phone against the wall, yearning to watch it break like my heart.

I wondered why this person was calling me with such desperation. I sighed and sat up straight, pain shooting up my head. Caleb wasn't anywhere to be seen and my throat felt parched. I got to my feet, staggering for a second before I made my way to the rows of shelves built into the wall where I could see a bottle of water sitting on the top shelf. I reached for it, feeling along the many sheaves of files. The shelf was taller than I expected and in my effort to reach it, the files fell to the floor. Loose sheets of paper scattered and I cursed under my breath. I took a drink of the bottle and crouched down to collect the sheets. 

I picked the brown folder in my lap and started piling the printed paper. I was slightly surprised to see that they all seemed to be numbers. Huge, six-figure numbers. I reached for one and studied it, my heart racing with each hazy word. The header of the page read 'Northern Heart Hospital,' below it was a set of address and contact details. My eyes moved lower and my heart stopped in my chest when I saw a name.

 'Atkinson.'

They looked like the financial records of the hospital. It seemed like Atkinson Corporations had made massive donations to them even before Rosalie had left it. I didn't know about this particular financial detail and something about it seemed a little off to me. Why would Scarlett send money to a hospital here? So far away from her place? There were plenty of hospitals there itself. And in an attempt to salvage their public image, her agent had made sure that all acts of charity were widely publicised. Why had I never heard of this one before?

I tried to focus on the numbers, unable to make much sense of it when the door opened and I jumped, my heart thundering in my chest as if I had been caught stealing.

"Rise and-" Caleb's cheerful voice began, cutting off abruptly as eyes fell on me, narrowing slightly. "You're up."

When he spoke, his voice was low, guarded. 

My blood ran cold, my stomach clenching in trepidation. I rose to my feet, deciding to ask him about it casually. I knew he was friends with Doctor Montgomery, but it didn't make sense that he would have the financial records of the hospital. There could be a million other reasons for that.

He walked towards me, his face impassive as I spoke casually. "Um, these just fell out-"

He took the file back from me, placing them quietly on the shelf and turned to face me. "Yeah. It's okay."

"Caleb...why...do you have them?" I asked, keeping my gazed fixed on him for any signs of guilt. Maybe I was jumping the gun and there really wasn't anything going on. But SB Harber smelled the air and rose from his sleep.

I suddenly remembered seeing him near the coffee shop that I was in with Scarlett. My suspicions rose. My senses tingled, telling me that something was off. Even though my brain was hazy, my years of experience gave me enough instinct. 

He sighed softly, his eyes cold. "Drop it, Xavier."

He was firm, but somewhere behind his words, I felt a certain sadness. "Cal-"

He turned towards me and my stomach turned. His eyes flashed as he repeated, clenching his jaw impatiently. "I said, drop it."

I gulped, my heart beating a hundred miles an hour. He placed the file back on the shelf before sighing and turning towards me. "Just forget about it. Let's go get some breakfast."

He grabbed my hand almost roughly and somewhere, I felt like it was a silent warning. But I knew something was off. And it was time to get back in business. 

After a very quiet and awkward breakfast, Caleb excused himself, his eyes somehow cold. I still felt a sense of foreboding, knowing that something was off. I wondered if I should just ask Scarlett, but considering that she hadn't changed accountants, it was possible that she wasn't aware of the situation at all. I decided to call back the number that I had missed seventeen times instead and made my way to the staircase, my stomach somehow clenching uncomfortably. I suddenly felt vulnerable. My body felt cold, my heart racing.

A voice answered on the third ring.

"Xavier?"

I couldn't breathe. A sense of vertigo engulfed me and I almost crashed to the ground. 

"Xavier, please...hear me out-"

I had to hold on to the railing to keep myself steady,  my heart was thundering in my chest. I was horrified. Torn between wanting to hang up the phone and letting my father explain why he had ruined my life.

"Xavier...I...I want to meet you. I'll be over at-"

"How did you find this number?" I whispered, my body trembling with shock. "How...who g-gave-?"

"I know you worked in the Crime Department at Harbour. I...I...went to your old apartment. Xavier, plea-"

It still didn't explain how he had come to know my whereabouts, but I had more pressing matters in my mind.

"No," I spoke, my chest heaving. The walls were closing in on me again. My vision fading in and out of black. I felt cold, bone-chilling dread travelling up my spine. "I...don't..."

"Xavier," he sounded desperate, my body froze under a deluge of icy cold water. I remembered the voice when he had yelled at me. When he had yelled at my mother. Thrashing both of us mercilessly till I had bit and flailed and left the home. "Please, give me one chance to-"

"You don't deserve it," I whispered. I crumpled to the first landing of the staircase, my back against the wall. I shut my eyes, it was a challenge to breathe. "You don't...I...don't-"

My world spun, remnants of the hangover making my head throb agonizingly. I had the sudden urge to throw up as chills ran through my body. 

"Please...Xavier...one chance-"

I remained quiet. What could he have to explain? I was terrified of him. Horrified that I would forgive him. I didn't want to give in. He was the masked devil. He was the reason my mom had died, he was the reason why I had spent days, weeks roaming around the street, selling my very soul to make ends meet. 

And now, he wanted more from me. 

A  chance. When I  hadn't had one.

"Xavier, just let me know when I can see y-"

"Just...go. Michael,"

He was quiet for a while, I could hear his rough breathing. When he spoke, he sounded pained. "I know I don't deserve forgiveness, Xavier but...please. For your mother."

I stuttered. How dare he? How dare he mention my mother with his vile mouth?

I wanted to say something. I wanted to scream at him, but my body was giving way. I dropped the phone to the floor without hanging up and shut my eyes, taking shuddering breaths. The air felt solid. My lungs refused to work. I would be suffocated. The familiar sense of doom came over me, shrouding me. I was dying. No way I could surface from the sheer, naked terror that terrified my soul.

I knew if Gray was there, he would save me. Like he always had.

I bit my lip to keep from screaming as my entire body racked with sobs. Why was everything suddenly falling apart? Why was he returning to haunt me again? I wanted a new start, and it was so hard. Every time I tried to restart, everything fell apart. I remembered Grayson coaching me through my first panic attack and recalled his words. I doubled over as another pang of pain shot through me, an empty void opening infinitely in my chest. A pain so tangible I was sure I would succumb.

I just had to keep breathing. 

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

My lungs were shutting down, exerting immense effort to keep me alive.

It was worse somehow from my previous attacks. Or maybe, it was his absence. I shivered uncontrollably, hugging myself. It felt like the world around me was non-existent. Fear. Terror. Horror. The only truth. My only absolute truth.

I shut my eyes, taking deep, lunging breaths. My body trembled with the suddenly unnatural effort. Despite the anguish, despite the damning pain in my heart, I recalled Gray's words. His tender touch. The way he had held me close, calmed me down. I could still feel my palms tingling from the way his heartbeat had felt. Back when it beat for me.

After what felt like hours, my vision slowly started to make sense. I pulled my knees up to my chest and sighed deeply. The sudden return of Michael was the reason for my breakdown. The timings were horrific. He was a part of my life I had completely buried. To have him back suddenly, felt nothing short of a nightmare. I didn't know how long I would keep having these episodes, but it was time to face my demons.

I picked up my phone and saw that he had hung up the call. I dialled slowly, my fingers shaking violently so it took me a good ten minutes to type out a single text.

dorothy cafe. upper east. tonight 8.

I took a shuddering breath and pressed send, my vision blinded by tears. If Grayson had been with me, I wouldn't have imagined ever even giving the idea a second thought. I had been content hiding behind him, have him protect me. But now I was alone, and it was time to face the haunting ghost of my past that I had evaded since so long. I needed closure, and tonight, I would get it.