bad habit by miraculosdummy on ao3

I wish I knew you wanted me, I wish I knew..

Yeonjun knew that he had several chances, but chose not to take them. He couldn't.

Why? Because he had to prioritize everything else over the thing that he wanted most. Or rather, the person he wanted more than anything. If he was just a little more selfish and careless, then he'd risk it all, but of course, he knew better than that.

He was in distress. He was usually levelheaded, confident, and composed for the sake of being the ultimate role model to the members, but it was getting hard to keep it up. He was constantly holding himself back from acting on impulse and pouring out years' worth of feelings to a point where it was becoming unbearable and was tearing him apart.

How could love be so painful?

What you, ooh, uh, what you do?

Yeonjun was helplessly in love with Choi Soobin. Ever since they had collided back during their pre-debut days, the older found himself astonished by every aspect of Soobin: from the way his dimple showed whenever he smiled, to when he threw himself onto him out of laughter, or even when he was always there for him and being the introverted, yet confident person that Yeonjun was proud to recognize as the leader of their group. Through his flaws and all, Yeonjun loved every bit of him.

But it was also this love for him that kept torturing Yeonjun.

Yeonjun pushed a smile on his face, forced himself to laugh, and act like everything was okay when it wasn't. He couldn't even get through to the one just centimeters away from him. He would just watch the taller's lingering figure with jealousy as he laughed and talked with the other members, wishing and praying to god that it was the two of them, simply happy and being something more than just friends, or members, or even idols.

Made a move, could've made a move..

"..Hyung! Hyung, you okay?" The deeply soothing voice of Soobin echoed in Yeonjun's ears and turned towards him, suddenly attentive to his surroundings. The other members seemed to be talking among themselves, leaving Soobin's attention to be fully on the older.

Yeonjun softly gasped, finally realizing how close they were. Their faces were just centimeters apart, and from Soobin being taller than him, he could easily tilt his head up and kiss the hell out of him.

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine," He seemed to be convincing himself more as it took everything in him to hold back his blush. "I've just been feeling a little out of it, but it's not a big deal."

He felt a cool hand touch his head and Yeonjun wanted so badly to lean into it as Soobin seemingly checked his temperature. "Hm, you seem rather warm to me.. are you sure-?" He paused, meeting Yeonjun's eyes. Yeonjun could only imagine how he looked then as the heat grew across his face and his eyes widened as their eyes locked in on each other.

Was this real, or was he dreaming? Yeonjun desperately wanted to know as he looked into the dark orbs of the other. His heart fluttered as they were pure, round, and innocent with deep affection looking into his own. He wondered what Soobin was thinking, just what was going through his mind? There was only one way to find out.

Is it too late to pursue?

"..Soobin, actually I.."

Just as Yeonjun opened his mouth, he quickly bit back his words as the reality hit them, and the eager laughing and talking of the maknaes prompted both of them to look. Soobin jumped up, turning to see what was going on and Yeonjun used the opportunity to dart out of the room.

I bite my tongue, it's a bad habit

"Hyung, wait-!" Soobin reached after him just to barely touch the fabric of his shirt. When he looked up, he caught a glimpse of Yeonjun's face, and it sent a dull ache in his chest.

Kinda mad I couldn't take a stab at it

Yeonjun was always one to show his emotions through his facial expressions, and right then he couldn't even hide the pain and frustration as he rushed down the hallway and locked himself in one of the rooms. For someone who gave such a strong stage presence when it came to performing for his fans, he was actually quite a coward and only made it so that so no one would see the more vulnerable parts of his character.

He ran his hands through his hair and let out a shaky sigh while fighting back the tears that pricked at his eyes. He had lost his chance once again.

Thought you were too good for me my dear..

He knew that it was too good to be true. He knew, and yet kept trying to get through only to fail again and again. A light thump sounded in the room as Yeonjun leaned his head back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. He couldn't even help it when his mind filled with thoughts of Soobin, Soobin, Soobin. And he swore it was going to drive him mad someday.

Never gave me the time of day my dear..

Yeonjun was too indulged in his insecurities that he didn't even think twice about what could've happened if he didn't constantly run away from Soobin and himself. He was afraid of being judged and rejected for his own genuine feelings, and it caused him to grow so much doubt to a point where all the troubled and conflicted emotions swelled up inside him.

Little did he know the lack of communication reflected on the other, who stood by the door and clenched his fists with regret. Soobin had been wanting to speak to the older, but every time he tried, it felt like Yeonjun was only slipping further away. It had been like this for a while, and it hurt him more to see the one he cared so deeply about hurt himself to such an extreme extent. It was too much to handle, and the younger couldn't stand it anymore.

"..Hyung, please.. talk to me.." Soobin leaned his head against the door just as Yeonjun felt a hot tear slip down his cheek. The room was silent enough to hear the soft voice that followed from the other side. "..I love you too much to let you burden yourself like this. So please, allow me to help you."

It took several seconds until the door slowly opened, revealing a red, puffy-eyed Yeonjun. He gazed up to Soobin, the slightest shine twinkling in his eyes. "R-Really..? Did you mean that?"

"I would never lie to you," Soobin responded, gently wiping the tear away. Without a second thought, he embraced him, immensely filling the older up with such warmth that he hadn't felt in a long time.

Yeonjun trembled in his hold and clutched tightly at his shirt. He swore that he wasn't going to let it go this time. Soobin seemed to have understood, only pulling him closer.

"..It's okay, hyung, I've got you now. You don't have to worry anymore."

It's okay, things happen for reasons that I think are sure, yeah...