Dear Diary,

February, 2011
(...)
What is this I feel? Is this what Mom and Dad call love?

But I can't. She's a girl. I'm a girl. It can't be love. It can't happen. We can't happen. I don't like her. She's my friend. We're just friends.

(...)

April, 2017
I'm picking again. I'm staring again.

Why did I have to be born with breasts? Why did Dad have to give me an X chromosome? Why did I have to be born a girl?

I don't like it. Take it away from me. Take it all away from me. People stare. People comment. People whisper. People cat-call, and whistle, and harass.

I don't want it anymore
_________

It took a long time for me to realize that I wasn't straight. I had always denied it, saying that "it was just because we were friends" and "all friends feel like this." It took a while to admit that it wasn't true, and that what I was experiencing wasn't friendship at all, but crushes on girls that I hung around with all the time.

Before sixth grade, I didn't know what the term "gay" was. I hadn't even heard of anyone who was. I never watched television, so I'd never even heard of the name Ellen, or any politics or something discussing anything LGBT+ related. It wasn't until that year when my cousin came out to me at Thanksgiving, and the next year when my boyfriend did the same. They both had made me realize that hey, what you're feeling is totally normal and you should embrace it.

And that's what I did. That night I got online and researched until I had found a term that I felt spoke to me- pansexual. I told everyone that I knew or who I believed would accept me, and it wasn't actually that bad. I was met with criticism here and there but overall, wherever I turned I was met with warm, welcoming, open arms. And what I classified myself never stayed the same- it jumped from pansexual, to bisexual, to demisexual and greysexual, and finally to where it is now- homosexual/gay.

And this is when the body issues started coming. You see, I was never the skinniest girl in my school- everyone could clearly tell that I came from a family of curvy women. So when it came time for puberty, and my chest magically grew three sizes overnight, I was met with stares. I was the first girl in my class to get breasts, to start their period, to use deodorant, and to learn how to shave. It was very awkward for me, especially since I grew up in a dominantly male family, where it was mostly males in my house at all times. I was definitely closer with the masculine side of myself for a long time. I hated dressing up and doing my hair, and luckily since I was so young, it wasn't required. But when puberty hit, everything changed. I got my first makeup, taken to get really pretty dresses and heels, got my nails and hair done- and I hated every minute of it.

When I discovered the LGBT+ community, I decided to do more digging to see what I could find, and I was pleasantly surprised to find the term nonbinary. I stuck with it since, and found my preferred name, Aya (and, hey, it may be a female Japanese surname, but I decided to use it because I loved the sound and it's the name of the main character from my favorite game, Mad Father). It made me happy to find that there were others out there like me who were uncomfortable in their own body because of the way others made them feel.

I still cover up. I still make myself and my chest look smaller. I still get uncomfortable when people stare. I still get confused about where I stand in the community. I still am figuring myself piece by piece. But what I have so far is a good start, and I can't wait to go deeper in the future and find myself in the process.