Naina

As we reached Thiruvananthapuram, Zayne's hometown, I noticed a change in his demeanor towards me. Had the magic of Kumarakom dissipated, or had something transpired to cause this change?

We walked into the house silently.

"Asalaamu alaikum," his mother greeted upon seeing us.
"Alaikum salaam," I responded.

"I saw all your pictures. Looks like you both had a lot of fun?" she inquired. Zayne had sent her pictures.

"Yes, we did," Zayne responded.

"What kind of fun?" came a voice from behind, and Zayne looked at his cousin in annoyance.

His mother disappeared into the kitchen, saying something about tea. As the daughter-in-law of the house, I knew I was supposed to follow her.

As I made my way into the kitchen, I heard Omar ask Zayne, "So, did you pop her cherry? Swipe her V card?" followed by his laughter and Zayne's continued silence.

I returned to the family room with six cups of tea. Zayne's father and his other cousin, Omaya, had also arrived. I served them the tea and sat down next to Zayne. He moved away slightly but perceptibly. It was clear to me that something had changed. Was it because of what had happened last night?

Last night. It had played on a loop in my brain while we were in the car. He had kissed me-not on my lips, but all over my face. His touch had been so gentle and restrained. I had felt comfortable and cherished. It hadn't felt sexual to me, even though his arousal had pressed against me.

His kisses and touches were like chocolate- amazing and perfect when he touched me. But afterwards, guilt consumed me, leaving me with the need to wash it all away. Like I had done something bad or wrong for momentary pleasure. I couldn't purge it out of my system the way I did chocolate.

Advik's words haunted me.

"If you choose him, life would be so easy. I feel like I am the obstacle in your love story," Advik had said.

"Adi, I promise, he is just a friend. It's you. You are everything to me. I could never feel for anyone the way I do for you," I reassured him.

"So can we expect to become aunts and uncles soon?" Omar teased, his words cutting through the tense atmosphere.

"You sound like a broken record," Zayne snapped, his irritation palpable. "Can you just stop asking us about this?" His raised voice surprised me; he was usually composed, even under stress. But when I reached out to comfort him, he jerked his arm away. Something was definitely wrong.

I had never lied to him. I had always told him I wasn't over Advik.

"Are you sure you want to marry me?" I had asked him a week before the wedding.

"Why?"

"Because I will never be able to love you the way I love him," I had responded.

"We'll make do, Naina," Zayne had responded after several seconds. "We're friends, we'll be okay."

But now it seemed that Zayne wanted more from our relationship. He expected more than just friendship. But I couldn't give him love; my heart belonged to Advik. There wasn't any room for Zayne in that part of my heart.

I looked at him presently. He was still arguing over something with his cousins.

"Amit Mishra was in the wrong," stated Omar.

"Nope, a thousand percent, Virat Kohli was in the wrong," Zayne argued.

I smiled. Men and Cricket. I remembered how Advik would watch the game highlights because there was no way he could watch the whole match. I would lie on his lap, and he would watch it on his laptop. He would make comments and yell at the screen as though he were watching in real-time.

I forced myself to the present.

"It was that catch that he dropped that changed everything," Omar continued.

"Mole, would you like to make lunch today?" Zayne's mother asked me.

That wasn't really a question or a request. It was a test. Growing up in a large business family with numerous social obligations, I was all too familiar with compulsion disguised as choice.

I hadn't been good at cooking, but I had learned over the last couple of months in preparation for my marriage.

"Make sure the handle faces the left because you are right-handed. You will hold the handle with your left hand and stir with your right. Keep the washcloth on the left too so you can pick it up before you grab the handle, or you'll burn yourself."

"For meat, you add salt before you cook. For vegetables, you add salt after sautéing it for a few minutes."

The cook was present to assist me. My mother-in-law left me in charge.

"What do they like to eat?" I asked her in Malayalam.

"Madam, they will eat rice and fish with some vegetable on the side. I have sardine and seerfish," she informed me. "And I also have..." she rummaged through the fridge. "Spinach."

It wasn't much to work with, but it was enough. I instructed her to clean and gut the fish while I chopped the onions and tomatoes.

Meanwhile, I kept the rice boiling. Together, we were able to get everything done in about an hour. I had made fish curry, fish fry and Spinach thoran. I found raw mangoes in the fridge and decided to make a chutney to have on the side.

I was sweating from the heat of the stove and the humid weather by the end of it. The ceiling fan had had to be turned off while cooking to avoid putting out the flames.

I instructed the cook to transfer the food to serving bowls and rushed up to Zayne's room to get changed.

In my hurry, I forgot to knock and walked right in.

"So she isn't a virgin?" I heard Omar say. He then noticed me and went quiet. He looked at me differently, not in the teasing way that he normally did.

I looked at Zayne, feeling betrayed. It wasn't that I had a problem with the concept of premarital sex. For me, it had been something I had done believing that Advik would be the one I would end up with. It wasn't something I had taken lightly, and it definitely wasn't something I had wanted to share with his family. It was personal.

Zayne looked away.

I went into the bathroom, changed my clothes, and made myself look presentable. I could still hear them. I am ashamed to say I paused and listened, but I was curious.

"I get that she is hot. But you should never have married such a woman," I heard Omar say.

"Are you sure about this, Nia? I don't want to hurt you," Advik asked, apprehensive. He was on top of me, straddling me.

"You are sure you'll marry me, right?" I asked, smiling at him nervously.

"I already think of you as my wife, my soulmate," he proclaimed before kissing me again.

I was crying again for the life that I had thought would be mine. For all the dreams that had shattered. For all the promises that had been broken. Because I had lost faith. Because I had made a decision that would change everything. And I had made it so that we could never be together again.

"I am seeing a therapist, Nia. I'm working on my temper and impulsiveness."

He had been trying. I should have given him a chance.

"I don't have time, Nia, why don't you understand? I haven't slept over 4 hours in the last two days. I don't have time to complete his assignments. So he discharged me for non compliance. I'll find another psychologist. Someone who can work with my schedule. I promise."

He hadn't. He hadn't had the time to find another one. I should have found one for him. I should have helped him. Not left him when he had hurt me again.

"I hate who I am when I'm with you. I can't do this anymore. Please leave."

I shouldn't have listened. I should never have left. I should have helped him through it again, just like I had the last time. He had never wanted to hurt me. He had been hurting too.

Knock!

"Naina, are you okay in there?" I heard Zayne's voice through the door.

I couldn't get any words out. I hadn't realized that I was sitting on the floor, with my back against the door.

"I'm worried about you, Naina," he said. I could hear his movements; he too had sat on the floor on the other side of the door.

"It's not what you think," he continued, "Omar had been teasing me and it just slipped out. I accidentally said, 'there's nothing to pop,' and he took it from there. I didn't say anything to him. He was just goading me into giving him information."

I wiped my eyes, trying to steady my breathing. I tried to speak, but a sob escaped.

"Naina, I'm sorry, really," Zayne said on the other side, his voice breaking. I was hurting him again.

"We used to tell each other everything until now. Even when I was with Preethi. But in the last three months, I hadn't told him anything about you and me. The last time I had mentioned you had been over a year ago. So he's just being..."

I stood up and opened the door, cutting him off. He took in my tear-streaked face and pulled me into his arms.

"I'm so sorry..." he whispered into my ear.

"No, I'm sorry, Zayne, I should never have agreed to marry you," I mumbled into his shirt. "I should have just..." I didn't know where I was going with this. "You deserve someone who can love you. Not me. I'm..." I felt his body stiffen and his hold on me loosen.

I pulled him closer physically, though I was pushing him away with my words.

"I can never love you, Zayne, I'm so sorry. I should have realized that I would hurt you."

He pulled away, and I immediately missed the feel of his body against mine. I craved the comfort he gave me. He looked straight into my eyes before his lips came crashing down on mine.

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Thank you for reading. Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.
❤️Faiza