Zayne

"I can never love you, Zayne, I'm so sorry. I should have realized that I would hurt you." Her words pierced through me like shards of glass, but as she pulled me towards herself, pressing me against her, it felt like she needed me there. Like she needed me close.

Her confession stung, but her embrace spoke volumes. She was conflicted, torn between what she wanted and needed. And yet, I couldn't deny the love I felt for her, coursing through every fiber of my being.

I couldn't do this. I couldn't hold her like this and hear her tell me that she could never love me. With a heavy heart, I pulled away and looked into her eyes.

Those eyes that spoke volumes; belying the words she had just uttered. They held a longing, a desire that mirrored my own. And as her hands gripped me tight enough to hurt, I couldn't help but believe that she wanted me as much as I wanted her.

I leaned in and kissed her. It was a kiss born out of longing, out of the desperate need to feel her lips against mine, to make her feel what I felt. She responded eagerly, her lips moving in sync with mine. I cradled the back of her head, deepening the kiss as I tasted her lips.

Her mouth parted, inviting me in, and I eagerly accepted the invitation. I couldn't get enough of her, of the warmth and saltiness of her kiss.

My hands roamed her body, tracing the curve of her back before settling on her waist.

With each tender kiss along her jaw and neck, I felt her response, kissing me wherever my skin graced her lips. The scent of her, intoxicating and familiar, filled my senses as I breathed her in.

She was mine, my Naina, my wife. Yet, just a few minutes ago, she had just told me she could never love me.

I pulled away and I reached out to lift her chin, wanting to see her eyes, to reassure myself that she was still there with me. But before I could, a knock on the door interrupted the moment.

Naina swiftly moved away, her back turned to me, her hands gripping the sink as she leaned forward, her breaths coming in ragged gasps. Another knock sounded, urging me to approach the door cautiously.

With a quick glance at Naina, I cracked the door open.

My mother was on the other side. She gave me a once-over and looked weary. "Wash your face and come down for lunch. Everyone is waiting."

I turned towards Naina, who caught my eye in the mirror. She giggled. Her mood swings were giving me whiplash. Nevertheless, it was better than her tears, and I smiled at her.

She pointed at my face in the mirror. There was lipstick all over my mouth, near my eyebrow, and on my forehead. I smiled at the marks she had left, and then I remembered my mother's weary expression. "Shit!"

Naina laughed, her laughter contagious. I couldn't help but join in, soon we were both clutching our stomachs, caught up in hysteria. It was emotions piling on until it made no sense. We had both lost it.

"Wash your face," Naina mimicked my mother's tone between peals of laughter, and we laughed again.

After gathering ourselves, I washed my face, prompting more giggles from Naina, before we headed downstairs.

I held her hand firmly as we descended. "Love birds!" Vijaya aunty exclaimed. "Finally decided to grace us with their presence."

"Everyone was waiting," she said.

I glanced at Naina, who was looking at her feet, the corners of her mouth twitched upwards, but she was biting her lip, trying to stifle her laughter.

Laughter bubbled up within me uncontrollably. "Everyone was waiting," I whispered, and she threw her head back in laughter. Finally, we both sat down. Silent giggles still shook her, but I had managed to regain control of my laughter.

I made sure not to look directly at Naina, but from my peripheral vision, I could see that she was avoiding eye contact with everyone.

Vijaya aunty looked unhappy. But everyone else was smiling.

"Lunch was good, Naina," Umma finally said when everyone was done eating, "It was a little less spicy than we are used to, but the mango chutney was really good."

I had almost forgotten that Naina had made lunch today.

"I loved it," I told her. It was nothing extraordinary, but it was a decent meal. More importantly, my wife had made it. I couldn't help but kiss the side of her head while getting up to wash my hands.

I was grinning widely. Omar and Omaya were still here, but they didn't say much. I turned to look at Omar, but I saw him staring at Naina. I frowned.

"What are you gawking at my wife for?" I asked teasing him, trying to regain our usual banter.

He quickly averted his eyes and mumbled, "Sorry." This was out of character for him. No teasing, no jokes.

I looked at Omaya. She too wore a serious expression. I had preferred the teasing to this.

Thankfully, Naina didn't notice. I couldn't wait to take her to the room and pick up from where we had left off.

Unfortunately, my mother had other plans. "You are leaving tomorrow, and you still have four more families to visit. You'll do them today."

I would need to shelf my own plans for now

The second round of relative visiting went better than the previous one. It was a relief to see Naina doing much better.

At the end of the day, we had indulged in enough snacks to last us an eternity, at least it felt that way to me. We were dead tired by the time and went straight to bed, skipping dinner.

"Naina," I called out to her in the dark. This was quickly becoming a habit - these discussions in the dark.

"Yeah?" she turned to face me.

"What's the plan for... tomorrow?" I asked her. We had briefly discussed her going back to Mangalore for her course, but not the timings.

"Can I come stay with you for a couple of weeks and then head to Mangalore?" she asked me. "I have only given them a tentative date for return. I've missed about 2 and a half months. I had 1 month of unused vacation. So I'll have missed only one and a half months. I was thinking I'll round it up to two since I'll miss my exam anyway."

My face broke into a smile. "I would love for you to stay with me in Manipal."

I wanted to kiss her again. After the events of the afternoon, I felt more confident about it. I moved towards her, but she turned away. I scooped her up from behind and wrapped my arms around her. My Naina.

Initially, she seemed a little tense, but as I stayed still, she molded herself into my body. It was a beautiful feeling to hold her while she fell asleep. However, I needed to disentangle myself and create some space before I could fall asleep myself. I was not used to falling asleep while cuddling.

It was nighttime when we reached my apartment. I let Naina in, and although I had wanted to carry her across the threshold, something told me it would be a bad idea.

"The bathroom is..." I started to say.

"I know where the bathroom is," she responded, cutting me off. Of course, she knew; she had stayed here once before. There was an edge to her voice, and I couldn't tell if it was from tiredness or something else.

"Do you know what happened?" Naina asked, turning to face me. She lay in my bed, looking fragile and defeated.

"Maya told me you weren't well, that it wasn't COVID," I replied. I'd fetched her from Advik's apartment on Maya's behest.

"I'm having a miscarriage," she whispered. The words hung heavy in the air. Learning that the woman I cared for, maybe even loved, had been pregnant with another man's child stirred a tumult of emotions within me. I felt repulsed. I wanted her to leave. I wanted to leave. Yet, seeing her so vulnerable, I couldn't bring myself to turn her away. Such a masochist, I thought.

I lay down beside her, the couch feeling cramped.

"What did Advik say?" I inquired, knowing the baby was obviously his.

"He wanted to keep her," she replied softly, emphasizing 'her' instead of 'it'. Naina lay curled up in a fetal position, holding a pillow to her abdomen. "She's gone now," she whispered, tears streaming down her face without visible sobs. "Adi couldn't get time off. He's on call tonight but he'll be here tomorrow."

I hated myself for still wanting her, for still caring for her.

"Maybe it wasn't the right time," I suggested gently. She wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand, tears falling more profusely now.

"It was just starting to make sense. It was just starting to be okay," she confided. I listened, but I didn't fully grasp the context. It hurt me to see her in pain.

"What can I do, Naina?" I asked her.

"Can you hold me?" she asked softly. I hesitated, wondering if my touch would be welcome if she knew my feelings for her extended beyond friendship. But seeing her vulnerability, I couldn't refuse.

I held her in my arms and offered comfort as she cried over the loss of a pregnancy she had shared with another man.

If the baby had been mine, I would have dropped everything to be with her through this.

I brought both our suitcases in and started unpacking mine. As I made space in my cupboard for her belongings, it occurred to me that I probably needed to move into a bigger place.

The bathroom door was slightly ajar, and I knocked gently before peeking in. Naina was standing there, motionless. Taking a deep breath, I approached her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

The memories stirred up by her presence in my apartment weren't easy for me either, but I could only imagine how she must be feeling.

She turned around, her eyes empty. "We had named her, you know?" she said softly, confirming that we were both thinking of the same thing. "We named her Advaina. Adi was so sure she was a girl."

Was she truly unaware of how much this was affecting me?

"He would have been Navik if he were a boy."

I studied her face. She was staring at the drain, her expression blank. There was no joy, no sorrow.

"I suppose there's a reason I lost her," she continued, lost in her own thoughts. "We weren't ready to be parents. Adi had been..."

"Cheating on you," I completed her sentence.

Her eyes widened in surprise at my interruption. "He never cheated on me," she countered, her voice barely above a whisper.

I took a deep breath, trying to control my emotions. "Zaina is a great name," I said, forcing a smile. "We should call our daughter Zaina."

"I'm sorry..." she whispered. "I'm so sorry, I've been selfish. I don't deserve your love, Zayne, I'm so sorry. I still love Ad..."

"You don't deserve my love? Or do you not want my love?" I asked, my slightly raised voice betraying my frustration. She shuddered at my tone. I softened my voice. "I think you're just being stubborn. You're forcing yourself to hold onto him instead of trying to move on."

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Thank you for reading. Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.
❤️Faiza