Zayne

Naina wasn't moving. She had fallen asleep in my arms last night. I had been waiting for her to wake up. She had slept over 10 hours when I finally decided to wake her up.

I called her name and she barely twitched. Her breathing was shallow. She wasn't dead, was she? I reached out to check her pulse when she let out a loud scream. She screamed over and over.

I didn't know what to do. But then she stopped. I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid – afraid that she was mentally unstable. I needed to talk to Maya. Why wasn't she taking this seriously? I had spent less than a day with her and knew she wasn't okay. She needed help. Maya was a psychiatry resident. Why didn't she do something?

I was afraid to touch her. I was afraid to speak. I didn't know what changed between last night and this morning. We had made out and then cuddled.

"I'm sorry," I heard her voice, and the roar in my ears seemed to calm down a bit.

"What... what happened?" I stammered.

"Bad dream," she told me.

I waited. Would she tell me more?

She sat up and rubbed her eyes. "What are your thoughts on BDSM?"

Did I hear that right? I hadn't heard of that particular acronym, but I thought I knew what she was talking about. I was confused. She woke up screaming like a banshee, and now she wanted to talk about kinks?

"Not my scene," I answered abruptly.

Silence.

She walked over to the coffee machine, examining it. "What are your thoughts on... on it?" I asked her.

She started making tea. "I don't mind bondage. But no blindfolds and no Sadism."

Was this a normal Sunday morning conversation? She let the tea brew and then brought it to me. I took a sip. It was horrible. I scrunched up my face.

"Sorry, tea bag," she apologized with a smile.

"You didn't have to make tea. We can still make it for breakfast if we are quick. Go brush your teeth and we'll head down," I instructed.

She gave me a small, hesitant smile before turning to head to the bathroom. As I watched her, I couldn't shake the feeling of unease. Last night's softness and intimacy had been violently contrasted by this morning's terror and odd conversation.

As the water ran in the bathroom, I picked up my phone and dialed Maya's number, hoping to get some clarity.

"Maya, it's Zayne. We need to talk about Naina," I said hurriedly when she picked up. "Something's not right. She had a breakdown this morning."

Maya's voice was calm but concerned. "Tell me everything," she instructed.

I stepped out of the room and recounted what had happened.

"You are an idiot!" Maya's professional opinion cut through. "Why don't you listen to me? Don't try to make out with her, what's wrong with you?"

I didn't appreciate her attitude. Naina was my wife, and I could make out with her if she let me. And last night, she had let me.

"There's no line between husband and wife"

"I have no idea why she is asking you about BDSM. Maybe she wants to try it," Maya giggled, and I rolled my eyes. "I'm joking, please don't do anything like that."

"I don't plan to," I answered, annoyed. "Are you going to tell me if Naina has PTSD or something? Are her nightmares just nightmares?"

Maya seemed to be in deep thought for a moment. "I don't think she has PTSD. Advik hurting her doesn't seem to be what's affecting her. She is more conflicted about her identity than anything else."

"I want her to see a psychiatrist," I told her. "You know that she's too close to you to be your patient." Maya was great, but she couldn't be neutral with Naina.

"Yeah, I guess. I'll ask her if she wants to see someone."

"Convince her to. I doubt she'd listen to me, but I'll tell her as well," I told Maya.

"Tell me what?" asked Naina, emerging from the room looking beautiful. She took my breath away. She was wearing a pink floral salwar kameez and had a radiant smile on her face.

"You look so beautiful!" I told her, enchanted.

"You're still on the phone with me, you idiot!" Maya said, breaking the spell. I hung up, saying goodbye, unable to take my eyes off my wife.

"Wow, Naina!" I said again. She looked really good in traditional outfits.

Naina giggled, a sound that felt like sunlight piercing through dark clouds. "Thanks, Zayne. You look really good too."

Did I? Suddenly my morning got all better.

She let me hold her hand while we walked to the buffet. The buffet was small. Naina was eating well for the first time in a long time. I saw her eat two dosas but refrained from making any comments lest she stop.

"I was just talking to Maya about setting up an appointment with a specialist for you. You know, just to talk. It might be good for you."

"I'm already doing CBT with Maya," she said after swallowing.

"It may be good for you to talk to a professional about... about everything that has happened..." I suggested again.

"I talked to a counselor. I didn't like her. Too judgy," she told me, her features looking smooth and worry-free. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe she was doing okay.

But then I remembered how she had broken down yesterday and how she had screamed this morning.

"Maybe try a different counselor," I advised.

She put her piece of dosa down and looked at me with narrow eyes. "I am doing fine. I was doing fine till he called me. You want to talk to me, you talk to me. But don't talk behind my back to Maya and don't act like you know what's best for me. You don't. You don't know anything about me."

Her fierceness took me aback. The last time she had spoken to me like that had been when I had warned her about Advik.

"Guys like that, they don't like normal. After some time, they will be bored," I had told her one day. I had heard rumors about Advik's exploits in the bedroom, about his promiscuity. Naina somehow didn't seem like that, though you could never tell what someone liked behind closed doors.

"I never asked you for your opinion. What happens between us is none of your business."

I stayed quiet, giving her time to think about her tone with me. But she said nothing. No apologies.

"Okay," I finally said, choosing my words carefully. "I won't talk to Maya about you anymore without your permission. But Naina, if you ever feel like talking to me, about anything, I'm here."

She nodded. We stayed in silence for the rest of breakfast.

Naina wanted to check out and go to the beach. After all her morbid talk from yesterday, I was feeling weary of going anywhere near the ocean. But Naina was persistent. "Come on! I'll show you this beautiful beach near Ullal. It's my secret place."

We got into my car and she gave me some general directions to Ullal city, about 12 km from Mangalore.

We parked the car near some stalls and she showed me a beach access path between fisherman's huts.

As promised, it was beautiful. Pristine, with seagulls, a few fishing boats at the coast. The sands were golden, interspersed with granite boulders.

Mudcrabs crawled on the sand unafraid. Coconut trees dipped towards the ocean, and there was a small stream that joined the sea a little ways away.

"This is beautiful, Naina!" I exclaimed. "How did you find this place?"

Naina blushed. "I got lost a few months ago and my phone died. I ended up here. I spent the night on an abandoned boat," she told me to my horror though she wore a smile. "That one actually!" she exclaimed, pointing to a broken boat a little way from the coast.

"How did you find your way back?" I asked her. Had this happened after she had become my wife? Or before? We had been married about two months now.

"These fishermen were wondering about my Scooty. They were very kind. They told me how to get to the city and I drove to Mangalore from there. But now I visit here whenever I get... Whenever I get lonely."

I looked at her serene face. Why wouldn't she let me help her? Why wouldn't she seek help?

I looked at the ocean.
"I think my life would end with the ocean too."

The sea was rough, and the granite boulders made it all the more unforgiving.

"Naina, I'm worried about you," I couldn't stop myself from saying this. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Don't worry, Zayne. I'm doing well. I really am..."

"Then why were you screaming this morning?" I challenged.

"I had dreamt about Adi," she told me matter-of-factly.

I walked with her along the beach. The sea did have a calming effect. I don't know if it was the sound of the waves or the gentle breeze, but I felt calmer too.

"I dreamt that he had tied me up and hit me," she said, almost emotionless.

I was shocked and didn't know how to react.

"We've done that, you know?" she told me, and she looked straight into my eyes as if goading me. "With my consent. I had him tie me up and hit me."

I flinched. I couldn't look at her. I didn't want to hear about what she had done with another man. And I didn't want to believe that my Naina, my pure, beautiful Naina, would want to be tied up and hit for some kind of perverse sexual pleasure.

"He tied my hands and my legs, he blindfolded me, and he..."

"Stop it, Naina," I said, raising my voice. I couldn't take it. The past needed to remain in the past. I didn't need to know this.

"Why?" she shouted back at me. "You said I could tell you anything. I let Adi tie me up and hit me. I let him... I let him do it... I almost let him enter me with... with an object."

Her face shifted from rage to sorrow as she fell on her knees, and her whole body shook. She was crying. I sat next to her on the sand and placed a hand on her back. But she lifted her shoulder up as though repulsed by my touch.

"I let him, Zayne. I let him take my dignity. I let him do these things to me. I thought I'd marry him. I thought I was his, and I needed to... I just wanted him to love me..."

She was crying profusely. It tore me apart to see her like this, so broken. But I was breaking too.

"I just wanted him to love me..."
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Thank you for reading.

Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.
❤️Faiza