Naina

It had been two months since I last saw Zayne and poured out my darkest secrets to him. We still talked on the phone, but neither of us brought it up again.

I started seeing a new counselor. She was different—understanding yet strictly focused. Our sessions hardly ventured into my past, except briefly during our first meeting. When she asked about my goals, I told her I wanted to move on from Advik and find myself again.

She guided me through coping mechanisms for when thoughts of returning to Advik crept in or when I had panic attacks. She had me identify and document my triggers, then practice my responses until they felt natural. She asked me to write down one thing I was grateful for each day and to perform a daily act of kindness that offered no benefit other than inner joy. She also encouraged me to set one short-term goal and one long-term goal, and we worked towards them together.

Gradually, the flashbacks faded. I hadn't experienced a panic attack, nor had I broken down in the past two months. I was finally doing well; I finally felt like I was going to be okay.

"Naina, were you able to get leave for Onam?" Zayne asked me one day.

"Yeah," I replied. "I have five days. What about you?" Time off wasn't a big concern for me, as my official graduation would be delayed and I wouldn't be eligible for subspecialty exams this year.

"I have six days off," he said. "Let's take the train?"

I nodded in agreement. The train would take us 9 hours overnight, while a flight would only take 5 hours but would eat up daylight hours.

Finally, the departure day arrived. Zayne met me at my apartment, and we headed to the railway station together.

I had prepared mint chutney sandwiches and packed samosas for our journey.

"Here," I handed Zayne a sandwich, smiling at him. He looked particularly handsome today in his casuals. He wore a white cotton jubba paired with blue jeans. His top buttons were undone, revealing a glimpse of his chest. I couldn't help but stare. His chest was a bit on the hairier side, and I wondered what it would feel like to slip my hand in there. We had been married for four and a half months now. Surely that wouldn't be a crazy thing to do.

My eyes wandered to his arms, partially hidden by the jubba but still showcasing the contours of his muscles. I knew he worked out to stay fit, not to bulk up, yet he had just the right amount of muscle. His hands were another story—long fingers and well-kept nails. Our daughter should inherit his hands, I thought.

When I finally looked up at his face, I saw that he was keenly observing me. Our eyes met, and he smiled. I wished I was sitting next to him rather than opposite him. I longed to be close to him.

We ate our samosas in a comfortable silence.

"How is your PG going?" Zayne asked.

"It's going well. I have some new interns this month. We've been hanging out," I replied.

"That's great!" he said enthusiastically.

I used to go out more, but nowadays, I was either working or writing. Socializing didn't appeal to me as much anymore. I felt too drained for small talk or even smiling. I just didn't want to. If it weren't for Zayne, I'd probably have ended up as the resident spinster with 20 cats.

I remembered traveling with Adi on the train—him playing the guitar, me singing. My chest felt heavy.

I closed my eyes and focused on today's plan. I would meet Zayne's parents and stay with him. Maybe we could go out for dinner. One day at a time, I reminded myself. The rule was to look forward. I understood rules. I followed rules. Rules made life easier. Breaking rules made your life harder.

The next morning, we reached Kollam, and Zayne's family driver greeted us at the station. He loaded our luggage into the car.

"I'm nervous about meeting your parents again, Zayne," I admitted.

"They will love you, Naina. You should've seen Umma when she first met you," he laughed. I smiled. I hadn't heard this story before.

"It was love at first sight," he joked.

I remembered talking to her in the cafeteria during my first year. She had been kind and genuinely interested in knowing about me. We even exchanged numbers.

"She literally told me right then that I would marry you and you would have her blessing."

I smiled and looked out the window. I had been engaged back then. I hadn't told her that I was engaged. I had this feeling she was inquiring about me for Zayne, but I kept the engagement a secret. Why had I done that?

Maybe I did cheat on Adi at some level, but I hadn't had romantic feelings for Zayne back then, did I? Can you cheat without having feelings for them? I didn't physically or emotionally cheat, but I did something wrong.

I remembered my physical reactions to Zayne's proximity sometimes. But that had been because of his masculinity, nothing else. It didn't matter now. Zayne was my husband.

I remembered the feel of his hands when he had tied that chain around my neck on my birthday. He had done it in front of Advik. I remembered how my heart had raced, how my breathing had quickened, and how Advik had seen it all. I closed my eyes. Forward.

"I like gifts," I told Zayne rather abruptly.

"What?" Zayne asked, confused.

"I like getting gifts—earrings, chains, and all that." The jewelry Zayne's family had given me for the wedding was too heavy and expensive to wear. I wanted to wear something of his. I liked how Christians wore rings and Hindus wore mangalsutras.

Zayne laughed. "Are you asking me to buy you jewelry?"

I smiled. "I really liked the pendant you gave me for my 24th birthday."

I saw his Adam's apple bob up and down once before he straightened his features. He had been in the adjacent room when Advik had thrown the chain across the floor.

"Yeah, I still have that."

He had picked it up when Advik had gone to the restroom.

"I don't want that one anymore. Get me something with a nice pink or purple stone," I told him seriously. "Oval."

He laughed again. "What else can I get you, princess?"

"What do you need, princess?"

I took a deep breath. I focused on the conversation. Jewelry; we were talking about jewelry. But everything was getting fuzzy.

"I love you forever, princess."

My vision was getting blurred. Tears. My lenses didn't like tears. I was trying to hold on to something in the present. Contact lenses. Yes. I needed to blink so they stayed in place. They were toric and a change in angle would blur my vision. I blinked. Once I get my money back, I would do Lasik and get rid of my glasses once and for all. The tears stopped, the world came into focus. Zayne's hands were on mine, squeezing them. He was talking to me.

"I'm okay," I told him. I wiped my eyes as we turned into his driveway. "So, the necklace. Swarovski might be a good option to consider."

He looked at me curiously, as though trying to figure out if I really meant it. I did. Adi and I had had a no-gifts policy during PG. All our money went into our Runaway Fund. I had loved when he had bought things for me before then. I had loved wearing them, seeing them on me, knowing he had chosen them. And knowing I was wearing something he had given me. Why had I worn the pendant Zayne gave me every day while Advik's ring had laid in my drawer? I could've worn the ring around my neck instead. I hadn't. But this wasn't the time to retrospect. I had to put my game face on.

We got out of the car and greeted Zayne's parents.

"Asalamu alaikum."

"Wa alaikum assalam."

Zayne's mom hugged me.

"I'm so happy to have you both here," his mom said warmly.

To our surprise, Haseef uncle, Vijaya aunty, and Omar were also present. We were told that Omaya was on a trip with her friends.

"So, when can we hear some news?" Vijaya aunty asked, nodding her head in a teasing manner. Zayne blushed.

Omar laughed. "Zayne's still a virgin."

Zayne tried to punch him, but Omar ducked, and Zayne swore under his breath. I laughed.

"It's okay," Vijaya aunty said, "arranged marriages sometimes take time. Just don't take too much time, or you'll be too old to have children."

Were these people seriously discussing our sex lives? I looked at Zayne, who wore an exasperated expression, and I giggled. Zayne chuckled. He put his arm around me, and I leaned into him.

"Oh ho! I wasn't saying start right now!" Vijaya aunty teased.

Our suitcases had already been taken up, but we were both still in yesterday's clothes, feeling dirty and eager to change. But it seemed like no one wanted us to go.

"Here's tea," his mother said, bringing out two cups of steaming tea.

"Did you have breakfast?" she asked, and we both nodded. We had eaten on the train.

I had gained some weight, now eating two meals a day and one snack. I didn't count calories anymore but chose healthy options. On weekends, I treated myself if I completed all the assignments my counselor had given me.

Things were beginning to fall into place. There were nights I still dreamed of Advik. Most of the time, we were just talking or singing together, both of us making promises to each other. Waking up to reality was always hard. But my counselor and I had devised a plan for those days—to acknowledge the happiness in the past and believe in the happiness that awaited in the future.

She had asked me to write down one thing that made me happy in the present. This was the hardest part of the assignment. I could usually find things I was grateful for, things that made me laugh, feel calm, or gave me hope. But happiness? Genuine joy? That eluded me. There wasn't anything in particular that made me truly happy.

I didn't know if I would ever feel that joy again. The joy I felt when I saw him, when we spent time together—whether it was singing or exploring Manipal on his bike, when he did something nice for me, or when we talked about the future, our dreams. I knew what it felt like to be genuinely happy. And I hadn't felt it in a long time.

That afternoon, after lunch with the family, Zayne, Omar and I decided to head to the arcade.

The lights of the arcade flickered and a cacophony of beeps, jingles, and laughter enveloped us. Omar and Zayne immediately raced towards the basketball hoop game.

"First one to fifty points wins!" Omar declared, his eyes gleaming with competitive excitement.

Zayne rolled his eyes but grinned.

Zayne easily won and Omar appeared disgruntled.
"You haven't played against me, that's why you won!" I joked with Zayne who chuckled.

Zayne pulled me over to the claw machine, "I'm doing to win something for you." He told me. We spent an absurd amount of tokens trying to grab a plush unicorn that stubbornly evaded our grasp. Zayne groaned theatrically every time the claw dropped the prize.

"Why do they make these things so impossible!" he lamented, turning to me with exaggerated despair. I laughed at his expression.

Omar found us a few minutes later, proudly waving a handful of prize tickets. "I think it's time we hit up the bumper cars," he declared, and we followed him there.

Sitting side-by-side in the flashy red and blue seats, we gripped the plastic steering wheels and revved our engines. The moment the race started, it was pure, unadulterated chaos. We swerved, bumped into each other, and yelled out fake threats.

"Watch out, Naina! I'm coming for you!" Zayne called out steering towards me.

"Not if I get you first!" I shot back, swerving and accelerating to bump into him. I was having fun. For the first time in a long time, I was actually laughing wildly and joking as though I didn't have a care in the world.

Zayne and I approached the ring toss game while Omar decided to repeat the bumper car. A row of glass bottles stood at the game booth.

"Alright, Naina. Think you can beat me?" Zayne teased, grabbing a handful of rings confidently.

I narrowed my eyes playfully. "Oh, you're on, Zayne. Prepare to lose to your wife."

We lined up side by side, each taking turns tossing the plastic rings. At first, it was a series of near-misses, the rings bouncing off the bottle necks and landing onto the platform with a disappointing clink. But as the game progressed, my aim improved.

Zayne, determined not to be outdone, focused intensely. But just when he thought he had it, his last ring bounced off the rim yet again.

"Ugh, these bottles are rigged!" he groaned, throwing his hands up in exaggerated exasperation.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Sure they are," I teased, taking my last ring and eyeing the bottle carefully. With a flick of my wrist, I sent the ring sailing through the air. It landed perfectly around a bottle neck.

"Yes!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in the air in triumph. The arcade attendant clapped and handed me the oversized panda bear.

"Looks like I win," I said grinning.

Zayne burst into laughter, his earlier competitive frustration melting away. "Well played, Naina."

I extended the panda towards him with a grin. "Here, for you. I think it'll look better in your room."

Zayne took the panda bear, hugging it dramatically. "You know, Naina, you're right. Thanks," he said, still chuckling.

With a playful glint in my eye, I added, "Whenever you miss me, just hug the bear."

Zayne's gazed intensely into my eyes, just a trace of his laughter lingering on his face "I'd rather just hug you."

I blushed and looked away. I had been flirting with my husband and he was flirting back. It felt... good.

We decided to grab dinner at the mall where time flew by, and before we knew it, we were heading back to Zayne's house.

We spent about an hour with his mother, who was slightly cross at Zayne for spending the whole day out.

It was late and as we made our way to his room, Zayne took my hand in his, his touch sending a small thrill through me. Suddenly, I felt shy. I would be alone with Zayne again.

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Thank you for reading.

Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.
❤️Faiza