Tw: suicidal ideations

Naina

I felt the semblance of normalcy return for the first time in what felt like forever. Maybe things wouldn't be as bad. Maybe there was hope. Maybe I could embrace this new life. This new me.

I went to Zayne's room and checked my phone. Zayne had posted our wedding pictures on Facebook. You couldn't have guessed from the pics that I had been dying inside. I scrolled through all of them. The photographer had somehow managed to capture a picture of me smiling.

I realized that Zayne and I looked good together. Advik and I didn't. I could never measure up to him, no matter how hard I tried. With his thick eyebrows, strong jawline, hazel eyes, and a body that would put Greek Gods to shame, I had always felt like I fell short.

I blinked back tears and scrolled through the comments. My eyes landed on a notification. Tara had posted on my feed. My heart hammered as I clicked it.

"Go kill yourself, you whore. You couldn't bother to wait to marry him after fucking over Advik, could you?"

I gasped, struggling to breathe. Tears blinded me, and I couldn't see. I should have waited. I hurt him more than he had ever hurt me by marrying Zayne, the one person he had been insecure about. I felt like a terrible person. I didn't deserve to live. I couldn't breathe. I had hurt the person I loved more than life. I didn't want to live.

I barely felt it as my body convulsed in agony. I had hurt him.

"If we ever break up, no dating anyone else for six months, okay?" I had said one day, sitting on his lap and leaning back to kiss his jaw.

"If we ever break up, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else," he whispered against my lips.

Three months. I had married Zayne after three months. The reality of it came crashing down on me. What had I been thinking? This was not something I could walk away from. Everything was going dark. I felt my mouth and my fingers go numb. I couldn't breathe. I was drowning.

"You are my forever."

There was no life without him. I would end it. I would end me before I could hurt anyone else. Before I could hurt Zayne the way I had hurt Advik. I didn't deserve to live. The world would be a better place without me in it.

"Don't give up on me, Nia, even if I push you away."

He had been hurting after what he had done to me. I should have known that everything he had said was to protect me. I should have been there for him. Why hadn't I seen beyond my own hurt? Why hadn't I tried to understand his perspective?

I was a horrible person. My chest hurt. Everything hurt. I wanted it to end. What had I done?

"Naina, what happened?"

Zayne. He didn't deserve this. He was stuck. Because of me. I ruined his life too. I could never be a wife to him. What had I been thinking?

I passed my phone to him.

"Oh Naina," he whispered, drawing me into his arms. I held onto him like he was the only thing that could keep me from drowning. But I couldn't drag him down with me. I had to let go. I tried to pull away, but he didn't let me go.

I didn't know how long we sat like that on the floor, but at some point, my tears were all spent, and my breathing slowly went back to normal. But I had broken beyond repair. I hated myself, and I saw no hope, no utility in even trying. I would just be pretending anyway.

"Naina, I'm here, okay? I promise. Forever and Always," Zayne reassured me.

I looked at him blankly. Promises meant nothing to me. The promises made to me. The promises I had made. They were all nothing but haunting whispers that echoed in the land of unfulfilled dreams.

I wiped my tears and went to the bathroom. Zayne followed me in, standing at the door while I washed my face.

"Zayne!" I heard his mother call out.

"I'll be right back, are you going to be okay?" he asked me, looking worried with his face pale.

I nodded, trying to compose myself. My eyes fell on his shaving set. I picked up the razor and absently examined it.

"Don't do it upwards, it'll cause ingrowth," Advik chuckled, his face moving away. I had applied shaving foam on his face and was trying to shave for him.

There were five blades in the razor, but I couldn't figure out how to take them out. I nicked my thumb, and a small drop of blood appeared. I stared at it. Not enough.

I felt rough hands gently remove the razor from my own.

"I was just looking at it," I croaked, my voice hoarse from crying.

"Do you know how amazing you are?" he asked softly, a finger touching my cheek.

I shook my head.

"You make any room you walk into light up," he insisted. But deep down, I knew he was lying. He was saying whatever he could to make me feel better. I knew the truth. Tara knew the truth.

"Okay, girl, I picked up food for you," Tara said, handing me a plastic bag with a warm container in it. I was on a 72-hour shift during internship and hadn't had time to eat.

"Thank you so much! Really," I exclaimed, feeling grateful as I took the bag. I knew it had been out of the way for her to drop it off.

"What are best friends for?" She blew a kiss.

I could feel it coming on again, that sensation of drowning.

"Naina, look at me," Zayne insisted, and I did. "We will get through this. I promise. I didn't just marry you thinking it will be easy. But I'm here. I need you," his voice broke when he said 'need.' I looked up at him and nodded.

I opened my laptop and began to write. It had been something I had taken up when I had been at home for three months. I had been writing mine and Advik's story. I wanted to preserve it, give it an eternal life in some realm. Writing was the only thing that gave me peace.

Soon, I was feeling normal again. By normal, I meant that I could breathe without crying.

I dressed up for lunch. We were planning to have a light meal before visiting relatives.

Intentionally, I left my phone in Zayne's room. At this point, I was just going through the motions. Proper behavior was second nature to me. I had been trained from a young age on how to be a good girl, and I didn't stray. I had always lived for praise and validation from the people around me, especially my parents.

"You've put the perfect amount of ginger in the tea, aunty. You must tell me your secret recipe."

"Aunty, your flowers are stunning. Your green thumb is truly remarkable."

"Please teach me your cooking secrets. I've never tasted caramel custard this delicious."

"I admire your decor. Did you hire an interior designer? No? Your taste is impeccable."

It was so easy to lie, to be the people-pleasing girl I was taught to be. So easy to pretend. If only I could hide the real me forever, from everyone.

"I love you, Nia. It scares me how much I love you."

The memory suddenly injected itself into my mind, unbidden.

It had been the first time I visited him in Manipal. I felt awkward because he had a roommate, and there was just a half wall between the two rooms.

"Shhh...." I said in embarrassment.

"Can't I tell my fiance how much I love her? Or do you prefer more silent activities?"

My face tingled where he had kissed me. There was no escape. I couldn't do this.

"Excuse me," I said, standing up. "I need to use the bathroom."

"This way, mole," Zayne's relative told me.

I splashed cold water on my face, but the tears wouldn't stop coming. I couldn't embarrass Zayne. I was a mess.

I remained in the bathroom, hoping that it would somehow pass.

I heard a knock. "It's me."

I opened the door, and Zayne took one look at the sobbing mess I was and walked in, locking the door behind him. "Hey, we'll go home, okay?" he said, holding me close and rubbing my back. "We'll cancel the rest of the visits." I shook in his arms.

After a few minutes, we pulled apart. He kissed my forehead. Somewhere, I registered that this was the first time he had kissed me. I felt a little bit of calm wash over me.

He held my hand as we walked to the living room together.

"Naina has a migraine. She needs to rest. But thank you for having us," he said, and he hugged the relatives while I stood like a statue, unable to lift my eyes to face them.

Zayne led me to the car, and I placed my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around me. I didn't want to talk, and he seemed to understand that.

Zayne repeated the same lie about my migraine to his mother and escorted me to his room. While he used the restroom, I picked up my phone and opened Facebook. I had deleted Tara's post and blocked her, but I checked it just in case.

"Slut"

"Shameless whore"

"Kill yourself, bitch"

These were people I had thought were my friends. They had initially tried to patch us up and then taken Advik's side, villainizing me. Few people knew what had happened. And instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt, they had assumed the worst. That I had cheated on Advik with Zayne. I wondered if Advik had tried to correct them. Perhaps he believed this too.

I had neglected the friends that I could call my own. Instead, over the years, I had hung out more with Advik's friends, people I didn't have much in common with. I had believed that they were my friends too. That they had liked me for me. But what was there to like? Fresh tears filled my eyes..

I hadn't heard Zayne coming until he took my phone from me.

"I'm deactivating your account. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat. All of it," he said sternly. "Naina, these people are crazy. They don't know what happened. Don't let their cowardly actions hurt you."

He returned my phone to me after a few minutes. "I've changed the password and set your accounts to my email so you aren't tempted to reactivate it."

I looked at him blankly. I knew he was trying to help, but I felt the little bit left of me being chipped away.

**********************************************I'm not glorifying suicide or describing ways to do it. If you are triggered by such content, please skip. Don't report my book unnecessarily. I read wattpad guidelines before writing this chapter.

Thank you for reading. Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.
❤️Faiza