Zayne

We dealt with death and dying a lot in medicine. We dealt with uncertainty, loss, and guilt. We dealt with multitasking and rapid decision-making. We dealt with humans and human emotions.

But nothing could have prepared me for this. Naina's gut-wrenching tears. She had lost somebody, but he wasn't dead. While I understood grief and bereavement, I didn't see her progressing beyond the initial stage of grief. I felt lost, unsure of how to support her. Now, I understood why her parents brought her home, but how could I care for her? Would she be able to complete her course? As much as I loved Naina, I despised Advik for what he did to her-for hurting her, cheating on her, abusing her, and convincing her that their relationship was love.

I had put Naina to bed and gone up to the terrace. Umma looked at me suspiciously. She generally had good instincts. She had warned me against marrying Naina but had conceded upon my insistence.

I dialed Maya's number.

"Oooh! You finally remember me after marriage," came Maya's teasing voice. "Did all your dreams come true?"

I knew she was being playful, but I felt a tinge of annoyance. I shook it off. I had called her for help.

"Is Naina in danger of hurting herself?" I didn't bother with the niceties and got straight to the point.

"Why?" she asked after a pause.

"She's very... depressed." I didn't know how else to put it.

Silence.

"Maya?"

"Yeah, Zayne, I told you she wasn't okay," she began. I remembered calling her when Naina had agreed to marry me. She had warned me that Naina wasn't in her right mind and that I should wait a few months. But I hadn't listened. I cared for Naina. I always have cared for her. If there was any chance of marrying her, I would. And I would do it again before I let her go back to that creep who didn't deserve her.

"How can I help her?" I asked her. I couldn't change the past, and I didn't want to. But I needed to know what to do now.

"Just be there for her. Don't try to make her fall in love with you," she advised.

"I wasn't going to..." I started, but she cut me off.

"She needs to process what happened and accept it. I think she has adjustment disorder with depressive symptoms." She gave me her professional opinion, and I smiled. Maya was amazing. I was lucky to have her as my friend.

"Will she be able to get over it?" I asked, voicing my fears.

"Humans are resilient. Time heals everything."

I relaxed.

Maya was a psychiatry resident, and I trusted her opinion.

I vowed to be patient with Naina.

Meanwhile, my texts were full of congratulations. Some of the interns we had worked with together sent messages like "I told you so!" or "I knew it!" I smiled. When Naina and I had worked together, people had always assumed we were a couple.

Naina would be okay. She was strong. If anyone could get through this, she could.

"I don't know if I can keep doing this," I said. I was in a supply closet with Naina. It was during my final year of General Medicine residency. Naina was in her first year, and we were going through the Delta surge of the COVID-19 pandemic.

"They're just coming here to die. Alone." I took my gloves off and wiped my eyes. I had my N95 mask on but had taken off my protective gown. We had lost four patients today, two of them middle-aged women with children in their teens. We had to break the news to their families, listen to them shout in anger or cry in disbelief, and witness their grief. Today had been too much.

"Sir..." Naina said soothingly. "We did our best..."

"We did nothing!" I exclaimed. "I have never felt so... so helpless." I rested on the window sill, holding my head in my hands.

I felt Naina's hand squeeze my shoulder. It was the first intentional touch from her. I wrapped my hand around her waist, and she placed her head on my shoulder. I rested my head on hers. I wished with all my heart that she were mine.

I went back to the room and found her calmly working on her laptop. I left the door slightly ajar and joined my parents downstairs.

"What happened today?" Umma asked me.

"Naina gets migraines." I wasn't technically lying. She did get migraines. She just wasn't having one now. She gave me a pointed look before continuing.

"Everyone liked her," she told me finally. I sensed a 'but' but it never came.

"I like her," I winked at my mother.

She rolled her eyes.

"I think we all know that. Shame on you pining after her like some schoolboy," she mocked me.

"Patience. See, slow and steady wins the race," I grinned. I had known from the first time I laid eyes on her that she would be mine someday.

"Some race. If you ask me, she is the lucky one," my mother mumbled.

"Umma, try to get to know her. I love her. I want you to love her too." I valued my mother's opinion, and I wanted her to form an unbiased one.

She didn't immediately respond.

"Here, let me get you your dinner," she finally said, walking towards the kitchen. I followed her. She instructed the cook to prepare two plates of rice with rasam, fish fry, thoran and pappadam, and to take one up for Naina.

"Umma, I'll take it up," I offered.

Umma rolled her eyes, and I laughed. Nevertheless, she handed me the tray, and I went up the stairs to find Naina standing by the window.

I was tempted to put my arms around her and pull her towards me. Instead, I placed the tray on my desk, and she turned around, giving me a small smile. "Sorry about today. I'll do better, I promise."

I wanted to tell her that she was doing great, but we would both know that was a lie.

"Let's eat?" I pointed to the tray.

She picked up the pouf that had been near the windowsill and placed it close to my chair. It was a small gesture, but it made my heart race.

"When we were kids and my cousins came over, we would bring our food up to my room to eat. The adults would eat at the dining table. Omar and Omaya used to sleep in my room until Omaya was too grown up to be sleeping with us," I said, feeling the urge to share these memories with her, even though they seemed irrelevant to our present. "Omaya went through a phase where she hated me. She would cry when she came home, and one day she intentionally spilled ink on all my notebooks. I was so mad!" I said chuckling. "They are the closest I have to siblings."

"That's sweet," Naina noted absently.

"Are you and Nishita close?" I asked her. Nishita had been easy to talk to, but I had noticed that she sometimes said things that made Naina uncomfortable.

"Yeah, we were very close," she responded, using the past tense.

I frowned but didn't know what to say without reopening more hurt.

"What do you keep writing? New manuscript?" I asked her, noticing her laptop. She and I had been working together on a manuscript for our research abstract that had been accepted in an Indian Medical Journal. She hadn't worked on it for the last three months, and I had completed it myself. I had left her name in as the first author when I had submitted it.

"No, I'm just writing about my life. To process everything that happened," she told me.

Yeah, her life. That was code for her relationship with Advik, wasn't it? She was married to me, crying about Advik, writing about him. I was a patient man, but I was no saint. I had my limits.

I picked up her plate and mine. She had eaten less than half. I sighed and took the plates downstairs. My eyes fell on a box of chocolates-liquor chocolates from my college friends. My parents hadn't realized what it was or would have thrown it away, saying it was haraam. I picked it up and took it to my room.

"Wanna finish this tonight?" I winked at Naina.

Naina looked at what was in my hand, and her eyes widened for a second before they filled up with tears again. What now? I thought, exasperated. Did alcohol remind her of Advik? Or chocolates?

I took a deep breath and forced myself to stay calm. 'She lost someone she loved. That's it. Be patient,' I told myself.

"Okay, more for me then?" I forced a smile, sitting opposite her on my bed and opening the box. I put a chocolate truffle in my mouth. "Mmm... delicious!" I said in exaggeration, closing my eyes as though savoring the taste.

Naina laughed, and I opened my eyes to look at her. She had a smile on her face, which made me automatically smile.

I picked up a second one, and she giggled.

"For me, not you," I told her, eating a second chocolate in front of her. "These are really good. Come on!"

Naina hesitantly picked up a truffle. I watched her take a bite, wanting to kiss her when she closed her eyes and actually savored it.

"You liked it?" I asked her.

She nodded, and I picked up another one and gave it to her.

There wasn't enough liquor in it to get drunk, but when we finished the whole box, I felt strangely elated. Naina looked happy too.

"Do you want to pray together?" I asked her.

She giggled, and I smiled at her. Then she broke into a full laugh.

"What?" I asked, smiling, but my heart fluttered at the sound of her laugh.

"So we eat liquor chocolate and then do namaz?" she asked me, chuckling. I laughed.

"Yeah, let's get rid of our sins," I joked.

Her face fell. Shit! What had I said?

"I... I need to use the bathroom," Naina said, abruptly standing up. "It may take a bit, okay? Do you mind getting water for us for tonight?"

I nodded, wondering what I did wrong.

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Thank you for reading. Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.
❤️Faiza