Naina

I retched into the toilet bowl, regretting the indulgence in chocolate after nearly a year of strict control. Zayne had been eating it too, and for once, I wanted to let go and enjoy without restraint. It tasted heavenly, but now, the aftermath wasn't worth it.

"A minute on your lips, a life time on your hips."

This wasn't typical of me. I knew the risks of bulimia well - electrolyte imbalances, halitosis, dental erosions, acid reflux, and in severe cases, even esophageal perforation. I normally just controlled my diet. It must have been the second time this had happened in the past year.

I looked at my face in the mirror. I had never been overweight. In fact, I had been quite confident about my body. It had only been during the COVID pandemic that I had gained weight, and when Advik had pointed it out, I had started noticing it too. He had just been looking out for me, I guess, but I became insecure about my body.

Advik's life in the university hospital during his PG was vibrant, surrounded by medical, dental, and engineering students. His social circle flourished, and while he remained faithful to me, I knew all the while that he could have had anyone he desired. It gnawed at my confidence. But I had reason to be insecure.

"What's going on between you and her?" I asked Advik.

He stretched his arms out, his eyes squinting against the morning rays.

"Nothing, she's just a friend," he told me.

"Don't lie to me, Adi. I can read you like a book," I snapped back.

"Nia, I never touched her..." His eyes shone, just like mine did.

"But you wanted to..." I challenged him. He looked away. "You wanted to kiss her at the restaurant, didn't you?"

He gazed at me with an expression pleading for respite.

"But I didn't do it, can't that be enough?" his voice was a whisper.

What good was it rehashing any of that now? Advik was gone. Why was I still doing this? Counting calories, restricting myself? Crying? I had never been enough for him. He had been more than enough for me.

I washed my mouth with mouthwash and joined Zayne and his family downstairs.

The next morning I woke up after Zayne and rushed downstairs to find his family already at the breakfast table.

"Did you sleep well?" his mother inquired. I felt embarrassed. "Is your migraine gone?"

I nodded, feeling uncomfortable.

Zayne draped an arm around the chair I was sitting on. The tips of his fingers touched my shoulder, causing my heart rate to pick up ever so slightly.

I looked up at him, feeling a warmth spread through me as his gaze lingered on my face, moving from my eyes to my cheeks, my lips, and then back to my eyes. I felt my cheeks heat up under his intense gaze.

"Umma and Vaapa have booked us a two-night stay at the Taj villa in Kumarakom," he announced.

I stared at him blankly, feeling a pang of guilt at the thought of such a luxurious gift being wasted on us. Memories of my time with Advik in Gokarna flooded my mind, and I swallowed hard.

"We don't have to..." Zayne hesitated, his expression uncertain.

"Nonsense," his father interjected. "It is a gift for my children." He smiled warmly at me.

I smiled back reflexively. "Thank you, uncle," I said, knowing it was the polite thing to do. When someone gave you a gift, you accepted it. It would be rude to refuse. And if it was expensive, you repayed them in kind; you didn't say no.

"What is this uncle business? Call me Vaapa," he said kindly.

"Mole, don't call me aunty, call me Amma," Advik's mother said with a warm smile.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, feeling the tension ease a bit.

Zayne's hand moved from the chair to around my shoulders, giving me a reassuring squeeze. His arm stayed around me, offering silent support.

Maybe Advik had reason to doubt me. To feel insecure. I had always felt something when Zayne touched me, whether it was a simple handshake or a brush of our skin while working together. I couldn't deny the physical reaction he stirred in me. But I had never encouraged it.

"Zayne..." I began, unsure of how to express my thoughts.

"We don't have to go if you are not comfortable," he reassured me, his voice gentle. "But a change of scene may do us some good."

"Yeah, we can go," I told him, feeling the urgency to escape the current environment.

He placed a quick kiss on my forehead, catching me off guard.

"Zayne!" I exclaimed, surprised by his affectionate gesture. He grinned mischievously at me.

We packed quickly, eager to begin our getaway. Kumarakom was a four-hour drive away, but if we left within the hour, we could still make it for a late lunch.

As we drove through Thiruvanathapuram to reach Kumarakom, Zayne pointed out his old school to me.

"Did you know that once upon a time, Mohan Lal attended my school?" he remarked, a hint of nostalgia in his voice.

I laughed, "That doesn't give me much confidence in your education."

"Oh, I'm just saying that it produces great men."

"Sure!" I chuckled.

He showed me his biceps, and I burst out laughing. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Strong men too," he winked at me, and I rolled my eyes.

Zayne stood at 5'11, but he wasn't someone who would stand out as muscular; I would probably describe his build as athletic. I knew his build because I had seen him in nothing but a towel, and I blushed at the memory.

"Never thought you would be a blushing bride," he teased.

I widened my eyes and smacked his forearm.

"Ouch!" he cried out. Maybe I smacked him a tad harder than I had intended. "That hurt!"

"You deserved it," I smiled.

"Nia, you know, it does hurt when you punch me," Advik laughed. It couldn't have hurt much if he was laughing, right?

"Well, you deserved it."

I focused on my breathing. It would pass. The vivid image of his face, the feel of his touch, his scent. It all came back to me in a rush.

Breathe in... 1, 2, 3... Breathe out... 1, 2, 3...

"You need to let me go, Nia," Advik said, his voice breaking, unshed tears in his eyes. "What would you tell a woman whose partner hurt her?"

I shook my head. "This isn't like that. You... you just lost control."

"I hurt you, Nia. I hurt the person I love the most in the world." Tears fell down his cheeks, and I wiped them with my thumb. "What if something had happened to you and it was my fault? I could never live with that."

"Please, Adi, I can't let you go. Anything but that."

"Nia, but if I hurt you again..."

"You won't."

"Naina!" Zayne's panicked voice jolted me back to the present. "Naina!"

I realized that I was crying. The driver was looking at me from the rearview mirror, concerned. I forced my features to be neutral and counted my breaths again.

Zayne held my hand and slowly stroked the top of my hand with his thumb. I slowly relaxed, leaning my head back in the headrest and closing my eyes.

We sat in silence until we reached Kumarakom.

The resort was beautiful. Small cottages were sprawled across lush green land. You could hear the laughter of the small streams that flowed in the vicinity and the rush of the ocean a little bit away.

I felt instantaneously uplifted. The ocean always had that effect on me. The bellboy helped bring the luggage into our room. Eager to embrace the sea breeze, I wasted no time changing into shorts and a T-shirt. Putting on my slippers, I tugged at Zayne's hand.

"Come on, let's go!"

He laughed. "Okay, let me change into shorts too."

"Don't take too long!" I said playfully.

In a few minutes, Zayne was ready to go to the beach with me. As we walked, Zayne took my hand in his. I smiled at him, and his face genuinely lit up.

The beach wasn't safe for swimming, so we just dipped our toes in the water before walking back to the restaurant to order lunch.

"Karineen pollichadu and prawn fry," Zayne told me matter-of-factly.

"Are you asking me or telling me?" I laughed.

"I'm telling you that this is what I'm getting. You can either share with me or order whatever you want."

"I'll share," I said quickly.

He frowned. "I was joking. What do you want?"

"I don't mind that, honestly," I reassured him.

Prawns were calorie-dense, and I didn't want a repeat of what happened after the liquor chocolate, so I avoided them. However, I did enjoy the fish.

We lazed around on the hammock near the ocean, with me reading books on Wattpad and he reading a physical book, "Pachinko," to be exact. I was glad that we had come here. I hadn't felt this relaxed in a long time.

"Do you want to get an Ayurvedic massage?" asked Zayne.

"Na, the smell triggers my migraines," I declined. "But you go. I'm going to use the pool."

"Are you sure?" he asked me.

I nodded. I could tell he was looking forward to the massage.

I tucked my T-shirt into my shorts and got into the water. It was cold and felt soothing in the warm, humid weather.

I swam a few laps and felt completely relaxed. I decided to push myself a bit. I could normally hold my breath for 30 seconds when I swam underwater, but my record had been 40 seconds from a few years ago. I dove into the water. I counted in my head.

"I just want to try it," Advik said.

I was scared. "I don't want to. It could go really wrong. I won't do it." I stood caged between Advik and the wall.

"Nia, I'll do it," he assured me. "I'll keep a tab on the time, I won't let anything happen to you."

"No, people have died doing this. Remember we had assisted in a post-mortem exam on a patient who died during erotic asphyxiation?"

That had been my first exposure to the concept. A dead person, during our forensic medicine rotation. That didn't inspire much confidence.

"Nia, you just tap on my shoulder if you start to feel lightheaded and I'll stop."

He was kissing me again, and I felt his hand on my throat. My heart raced. I was scared. The image of the dead man on the post-mortem table crept into my mind.

"Look at the red spots on the mucus membranes and the lungs? Those are submucosal and subpleural petechiae, a hallmark finding in obstructive asphyxiation."

I couldn't breathe. I didn't know if it was the chokehold or my panic. I just knew that I couldn't breathe. I didn't remember what to do to end it. Everything was going dark. I couldn't breathe. I needed air. I had no voice. My arms wouldn't work. And my thoughts left my mind.

"Oh shit! Nia! Nia!"

"Oh my God, Naina!"

**********************************************Thank you for reading. Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.
❤️Faiza