Kit and I make our way back to his room. He's sitting on his bed and watching me as I pace.

Kit is exactly how I remember him.  Sure he's five years older but the things that make him him are still there.  He still thinks too much, he hides too much, and he fights when he feels embarrassed.  He's incredibly insecure which I don't understand because he's utterly perfect to me.

How do I start? Do I yell at him? Do I comfort him? Do I listen to his explanation? What do I do?

I sit beside him and look into his eyes.  I place my hands on his cheeks and guide his face to my lips.  I kiss his forehead, his eyes, nose, and lips.  I stop at his lips and kiss him deeply.  He is mine to kiss after all.  I stroke his cheek with my thumb as I kiss him until I am satisfied.

Finally I let him go ready to have a conversation that is four years overdue.

He leans his forehead onto my shoulder and places his hands on my hips.

"You left me." He whispers.

"I didn't Kit.  I didn't." I back up and use my hand to make him look me in the eye.

"I went to college.  You were supposed to join me.  Don't you remember?"

He shakes his head yes.

"But you didn't follow me, you followed Pha and Beam.  You chose them over me."

"No! I didn't.  We went to X University.  I tried to follow you.  You weren't there!" His eyes are wide and tears are swimming in them.

That's right. I was supposed to go to X University but after my father died we didn't have the money for me to go there so I went to another college.  My mom had sold the house and we moved in with my grandparents.  

Damn. I did leave him.

"I'm sorry Kit.  I'm so sorry. I was wrong. This is all my fault."

I stare at him and this time the tears flow from his eye.  He cries openly and all I can do is watch.  I wrap my arm around him and pull him onto my lap.  I kiss his temple as he cries.

"Asshole!" He hits me on the shoulder.

"Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!" Each word accompanied by a whack from an angry Kit.

I am an asshole.

When he's done hitting me he sobs into my chest.

"Kit, I'm so sorry. I was so distracted by everything that was happening to me that I forgot to tell you that I changed schools. When you didn't come I was furious. I couldn't believe that you did that."

"I couldn't believe you chose them over me. I mean I was so in love with you and you were supposed to love me too...."

"I did! I do!  That's not fair!" He is grabbing his hair and pulling at it.  He stands up and his eyes are red and angry.

"You don't think I wanted to be with you? Do you know how upset I was when you weren't there!? Do you know how hard I worked just so I could get into that stupid school for you?! Pha and Beam too! Well Beam, Pha's a genius he didn't have to try." He mumbles that last bit about Pha. 

I stand to hold him but he pulls himself away.

"Don't touch me. I'm still mad at you!"

I pull him into a tight hold.  We both know I am stronger and he will not get away but that doesn't stop him from struggling.

"Dammit Forth. Let me go.  I hate you.  I hate you so much!" He is pulling against my arms and lands a few good kicks to my shins but I'm not letting him go. Slowly the struggle leaves him and all that's left is him repeating that he hates me as he softly punches my shoulder.

"I know baby.  It's my fault.  I was wrong.  Please forgive me."

He looks up at me with swollen eyes, tear stains on his cheeks.

"How can I not forgive you? You're all I've ever wanted." He gives a defeated laugh and slumps into my arms.

I walk him to the bed and sit us down.  I caress his cheek and run my fingers through his hair.  He leans against my shoulder and falls asleep.  I slowly lay him on the bed, cover him, and walk out of his room.

I head downstairs to the kitchen.  His mom is there and making dinner.

"Forth sweetie. How did it go?" She asks.

"He's mad at me but I think he's forgiven me.  We both thought the other one left but it was my fault Mae!"

I can't stop the tears now and his mother gathers me into her arms.

"I thought he chose his friends over me. I thought....I thought." I can't get the words out.  I was so stupid.

She lets me cry.  I feel another hand rub my back.

"What's going on?" I hear his dad ask.

I don't hear a response so she must have mouthed it to him.

"It will be ok son. I promise it will."

His hand travels up and ruffles my hair.  I miss having parents.

This is a different reaction than the one I got last week.

I was standing in the street looking at my old house.  The new owners have really let it go.  My mother would have been so disappointed.  My dad built that house. He built all of these houses actually, but this one was made especially for my mother.

My chest hurts right now thinking of all of the loved ones I have lost: my dad, my mom, my grandparents, and Kit.  The weight is extraordinary, the burden on my heart from all of this hurt.  I try to breathe deeply but I can't.  My lungs refuse to cooperate right now.

This was a bad idea.

"Forth?"

I turn towards the voice and see Kit's mom.  I wai to her and offer my greetings.

"Mrs. Intochar.  How are you?"

"Fine and you?"

"Fine. Thanks for asking."

I turn back and look at my house again and sigh.  I should still be living in that house. Kit and I should be together, living in that house. The house my father built for my mother.  The house that holds all of our happiest memories.

"How is your mother?"

I look at her and quickly wipe the tear that had managed to escape.

"Oh Mae died a year after we moved.  It seems she wasn't meant to be without my pa so she went to be with him."

I start looking down at the road willing the tears to stay back.  Deep breath in, quick exhale out, raise my head, and smile.

"I need to go." I say because I just can't look at her.

I know exactly where my Kit gets his looks from and that person is standing right in front of me pretending to be cordial.

I start to walk away and she grabs my arm. I turn and look back at where her hand is joined to my arm then up to her face.

"Come have dinner with us.  Kit's not here so it won't be awkward."

Of course not, dinner with your ex's parents is never awkward.  I nod my head yes and follow her home.  I help prepare dinner and we discuss everything that's happened over the last five years.  As the conversation goes she becomes more and more receptive and gentle.  The awkwardness is gone.

We have dinner and though at the beginning Kit's dad greeted me like his wife eventually he too accepted me.  They ended up talking me into staying here and I decided that maybe I should help out around the house while I could.

Then Kit came home.

"How? How is it going to be OK? Does he even know that my parents died? Does he know that's why I left? Does he know that I longed for him these last few years desperately grasping to every memory just to get through?  He doesn't! He just thinks I left him!" I crumble to the floor.

"Tell me, please.  How is it going to be ok?" I am begging.  Truly and completely begging.

"Your parents died?" My head snaps up and he's staring down at me.

Oh god I must look so weak right now.  He can't see me like this.  He can't.  I wipe my tears and try to stand but legs are refusing.

"DAMMIT!" I scream as I smash my fist into the ground. I clasp my hands behind my head and pull it forward rocking slightly.

Arms wrap around me. Sweet loving arms that hold me securely.  Arms that are making me feel safe and not alone for the first time in a long time.  I look at him and he has tears again.  Why do I keep making him cry?

"I'm so sorry." He whispers as he hugs me.  He keeps kissing the top of my head.

It's now or never.  Time to be a man Forth, don't let him slip away again.  I look at him and make sure I have his complete attention.

"You. You can never leave me alone. OK? I can't do it again. I can't be without you again."