Hoseok dreaded to wake up the next day and get himself moving. He'd rather isolate himself for the next few days, or maybe, longer and live in his own bubble.

He knew how that would be like, if he really tried that. He would want to live in that shell of his forever. Being disappointed in himself had happened way too many times in his little life and he'd given up on way too many things he used to enjoy once because of this. Dancing was one of them.

Hoseok felt his eyebrows furrow, why did he remember his past passion for dancing. He gave up on that hobby years ago. Disappointment also often brought back hidden memories that were concealed deep in somewhere.

Now Hoseok was feeling this sudden surge of emotion deeply. His mood was in the opposite end again, he could feel the dark aura sitting on his shoulders. In short, Hoseok felt like crap.

He couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why he felt like this. Obviously what he had done yesterday to Hyungwon in front of Serim played a big part in this solemnity. But Hoseok knew it was more than that.

One thread of emotion pulled on many strings and now Hoseok was buried deep within his own morbid thoughts.

This wasn't anything new. Hoseok was capricious, very very capricious. To the point it wasn't normal. To the point one couldn't just label it as, hey I might be just feeble, or I have anger within myself and can't manage it.

That wasn't Hoseok's case. It wasn't just anger, it was all kinds of emotions, scaled from joyful to dejection, he went through it all. Sometimes in a matter of minutes.

Just like how he was feeling grandiose yesterday having lunch with Yoongi, in minutes he had a burst out in his classroom, later in few seconds he just wanted to cry his eyes out, by the time he reached home he was tired and burdened by his thoughts, this morning all he wanted to do was sit still and push away the thoughts that were killing him.

Thoughts that whispered close to his ear to just bang his head against the wall. Or hurt someone else, no, why was he thinking that, how could he.

Hoseok was a monster, he really felt like one, and he shivered when he realized he was blankly staring at the kitchen knife laying on the counter all this time.

He knew he wouldn't do it, he wouldn't. He knew something was very different with him when he was a teen, he knew his caprice manner was getting out of hand.

He was better now, was he?

"Jungkook isn't here today either and I'm getting a bit worried," Taehyung said as he bit on his apple. Hoseok heard from the side as he was filling up his empty bottle with water. "I would've gone and searched his room already but after whatever happened with Jin hyung I'm never playing detective again."

Jimin giggled a bit. "Maybe he went back to his hometown suddenly. Or maybe he's crashing at his friend's place, who knows? Oh, Hoseok hyung, are you going to campus? Want to go together?"

Hoseok flinched a bit when he heard Jimin directly speak to him. Shutting the cap of his bottle tight, he turned. "I'm not going to university now. I have volunteer work at a kid's hospital."

"Oh, the one you talked about before? Don't you hate kids?" Taehyung faced him, the half bitten apple on his grip. "Good luck, hyung!"

Jimin laughed and gave him another boost of luck. Hoseok's eyes were leaden, even though he slept a lot last night all he had were nightmares. Now he was exhausted and low on energy. While he turned back without a response he heard Jimin asking Taehyung about him, if Hoseok was okay. And Taehyung returning with a reply that Hoseok sometime looked like that, that he was probably okay.

No, Hoseok wasn't okay but he acted like that because Hoseok also wasn't sometimes like that, he was often like that.

He buried himself deeply in work, to the point of exhaustion so that no one could figure it out, and he wouldn't too himself. So that these thoughts wouldn't poke on the back of his head, and start to drill a hole there.

He was barely ever at the dorm, he was barely ever with his friend group in the university too. He was barely with himself even, he tried to stay out of reach, tried to stay disconnected with himself and everyone else as much as possible.

Here he was now, back to square one. And now that Hoseok was thinking about it he realized he had isolated himself for years. This was a different kind of isolation.

He was lonely, empty like a rattling can, could be blown away just by a rush of wintery wind.

He was empty because he had abandoned himself and everyone. All in fear that he would get abandoned first.

Tired, he was fucking exhausted thinking about all these. He was so disconnected even with reality that he could barely notice that he was at the kid's hospital already and a little boy, probably seven or eight years old clad in the hospital's gown was poking on Hoseok's thigh with his index finger as Hoseok sat like a ragged doll.

When he looked down he saw the boy's eyes lighting up with curiousity. "Are you okay mister?" He had a lisp, Hoseok realized, instead of pronouncing the 's' in mister he enunciated 'th.'

Subtly Hoseok moved his leg away, he didn't respond too. He had to get up and help people. Stop being such a joke, stop being so fucked up in the head and do something to redeem himself.

Hoseok averted his eyes and it fell on Hyungwon who had a few balloons in his hand to with the kids. The tall and blonde boy was staring at Hoseok from afar and as soon as Hoseok noticed, Hyungwon looked away and quickly walked past.

Oh, Hoseok realized, he wasn't here alone. He was here and his supposedly 'friends' if that's what he could call them anymore. This was a volunteering team from the university.

Hoseok suddenly found it hard to breathe. Did Hyungwon know? Could he guess? Why was he staring at him like that? Was it a look of awe that people gave him whenever he acted out of 'character', or was it a look of being terrified, like a deer that was to be slayed by a hunter? A look Hoseok often got too, because indeed Hoseok could be frightening, he knew, those eyes would tell him.

Both looks were abhorring, both twisted Hoseok's stomach in knots. Did everyone else knew? Did Hyungwon tell him what he had guessed? Hoseok remembered that last night in their group chat Serim only announced that their assignment was to be due next week, that she had talked it out with their teacher. What else? Hyungwon didn't text, no one else asked much on that matter.

"Mister, are you okay?" Again with the lisp the little boy spoke. Hoseok was trembling hard on the bench made of plastic, so roughly that even the bench was rattling with him. Those eyes of awe the boy was giving him, God, Hoseok hated this.

"Fuck off! Go and play with something!" Hoseok shouted and stood up immediately, his stomach was empty for the lack of food since last day but he felt like throwing up.

Before he rashly left to find a toilet he saw the boy with a saline bag attached to the pole next to him stare with terror in his eyes, too shocked to utter another word.

By the time Hoseok had found an empty male's toilet and locked himself in there, his guts were about to spill out. Still trembling nonstop he clutched on his stomach and gagged up a few times, every time he tried to vomit nothing came out. Only a bitter taste of bile spread across his mouth. How could he vomit when he didn't have dinner last night, or breakfast today.

Though he really would feel better if he could throw up a little. When he couldn't he stood in front of the sink and washed his face, he gurgled the tap water to cleanse out the bitter taste.

Gripping on the edge of the washbasin he looked at the mirror, his eyes were red and face screamed exhaustion. Trying to ease his erratic breathing he looked at the running water from the tap. Suddenly a vision erupted in his mind.

The little boy, the sick and little boy who only asked if Hoseok was okay and Hoseok projected his worst behavior on him.

How could he do that? Why even? Did anyone else see? He remembered that the waiting room was empty. Even if no one did, the little boy witnessed it. How could Hoseok lash out to him?

Why did he always act like such a goody two shoes when his head was always filled with monstrous thoughts, cruel words were always at the tip of his tongue, he wished of doing things on impulse sometimes that no one could ever imagine from him.

Hoseok was a walking nightmare and he himself only knew that.

What if he punched the mirror right now, what if his blood would spill after the shards would break into his skin? His hands were gripping so hard on the edge of the sink that his knuckles looked as white as snow.

His breathing was haphazard again, chest heaving up and down rapidly. He felt so ugly staring at himself, he felt so god damn ugly.

Then he noticed the tears slipping by his red rimmed eyes and suddenly, his impulsive thoughts stopped.

It was a static line in his brain. Everything merged together. He was numbed, out of the agony.

Quickly he wiped his eyes and looked at his reflection again, breathing in and out a few times he shut off the tap and walked out of the toilet.

As soon as he stepped outside he put on the biggest smile he could measure. A bunch of children were playing by themselves a few feet away outside in the lawn. Hoseok made up his mind that he would approach them in a jolly good manner, play with them.

And he'd help out a lot of people today, he would bury himself in work because that was better than being buried under his destructive thoughts.

The good deeds would cover up for everything, they'd erase his other deeds that were done in impulse. They'd redeem him, make him feel a little better about himself.

That thought too suddenly scared him. He was in such a worst place a few minutes before and it had already dissolved into something else.

"Hoseok?" A female voice called out from the back as he stood there, lost in himself.

Hoseok already knew who it was before turning back. "Can we talk?" Serim let out a small sigh from behind.

---
A/n: it was my birthday yesterday and I'm here writing a chapter that would most definitely trigger me.

NeWay, hope you're doing okay. Please don't be hard on yourself and take a break if you need it. Sometimes you just need to breathe. It will be okay.