"Just tell me one thing, Hoseok." Serim bit on her lower lip, her hands placed over her hips. Her looks defensive but soon it melted into a helpless shrug of her shoulders and her arms went loose. "Are you okay?"

The world was rotating around the sun in its usual routine but it felt like it had stopped, right that second when Hoseok felt his breathing hitch in his throat and a lie, assuring Serim he was okay with a bewildering smile almost slipped off but it didn't and Hoseok didn't know why.

"It's not a onetime thing. I notice that you..., sometimes you...," Serim looked around the dull vicinity of the hospital where no one else was around, as if she was looking for the right word.

What word? Weird?

"You just act, different. I noticed you running off to the toilet with tears in your eyes Hoseok. I noticed you avoiding our batch's party only to walk around the city aimlessly. I saw how you behaved at the news of the accident of our group assignment last day and those were not the only times."

If the earth had stopped rotating a few minutes ago, now it was spinning in full speed. Hoseok felt dizzy, nauseated, he could almost see his own complexion going pale. The shorter girl in a blue romper and pigtails on her head didn't stop however.

"I am not going to talk about the time you ghosted me on a date, the time I asked you out. You started avoiding me from the next day but I acted like none of it happened and never brought up the topic again just so we could stay friends. It hurt, Hoseok, because I can't understand you. We've been friends for so long and I thought you might have started liking me too but I guess you didn't."

He did like Serim. He liked how she had this strong persona, a short girl with a temper and a fist, passion that fumed like incandescent flames, yet she could be calm and levelheaded in dire situations like a white dandelion growing on the viridescent fields.

Plus Hoseok really liked how she either always had pigtails or braids on her head.

Actually, Hoseok liked everything about Serim. So much, that it hurt because he had never been infatuated with someone so much in his life before.

But with his condition, only a disaster and ruination could follow. He didn't want to hurt Serim nor did he want to get hurt himself.

"I really want to understand you better, Hoseok, but I can't." Serim looked like she was in pain, waiting for him to say something but he could say nothing.

He wanted to explain himself, say that he really wanted to go on a date with Serim. Hold her tiny hand and listen to her usual tantrums. The day Serim nonchalantly shoved him a ticket to the avengers movie and told him to show up at 7 in evening or else, Hoseok was truly floating on cloud nine.

He didn't know what happened the later part of the day. Perhaps, he dropped, he fell from high above the sky like a meteor crashing on the earth and he burned in his own flame.

His mood fell down so hard that he went astray, he couldn't exactly pinpoint the reason behind this, then again most of the time he couldn't tell the reason behind his abrupt changes of mood and behavior.

Perhaps, because he lost an earbud that day, or perhaps because he had gained an extra pound and his brain went haywire because never again he wanted to be an obese and made fun of like his teen years.

In the end, he followed to a barbeque restaurant where his roommates were having dinner and he pigged out on meat and got drunk in alcohol.

It was all on impulse, he just wanted to feel better after avoiding Serim because he realized he could never have any kind of relationships with his unstable self.

Though, all that only made his mood spiral even downwards. He spent the night cursing out loud in his sleep and crying his heart out.

He was this close to doing something stupid that day, on impulse he would often think of doing those. It was hard every time to restrain himself.

How could he explain this to the girl in front of him?

"I know you're different, Hoseok," Serim said, her eyes trained on him. His knees trembled beneath his body hearing the next words.

"No ones going to leave you for being different, at least not your friends who truly love you. Don't avoid people after a misconduct, or in fear of a future action. We... I may not understand you, yet, but I'm willing to."

Why did it have to be so hard?

"Because fuck, if you were not my friend, I would've kicked you in your balls man." Serim said in a more serious manner next. Cursing was also what he had learnt from her as Serim often said that swearing out loud could give someone momentary relief, that life was harsh and she needed that form of catharsis.

Why did it have to be so hard to come clean, even to a person he loved?

Maybe it was harder to explain his worse sides because it was someone he loved.

Maybe Hoseok kept running away from getting attached to people not only because of his crippling fear of abandonment that haunted him in forms of nightmares but also because he truly thought of these people as his friends.

It was hard to show them what vile creature really lied behind this sanguine Hoseok.

"If you ever want to talk to us..., me, about your problems, I'm gonna listen Hoseok. I may be an asshole sometimes and a little thick headed but I'll be there for you." Serim said.

Just tell her you have borderline personality disorder Hoseok.

Just tell her you gained pounds and pounds of weight in your teen years because of this.

And that you sought a year of therapy when you were sixteen and were under medication for your episodes that led you to self harm.

And that even after all that you still weren't okay and maybe you never will, that you always felt empty and your head often was filled with atrocious thoughts, that you felt emotions so strongly you couldn't control yourself most of the time.

Hoseok couldn't utter a single word, only what he realized in his sobered up state that he was hugging Serim as if his life depended on it.

He didn't know who made the first move but he guessed it didn't really matter because the girl with her head on his chest was hugging him as tightly as if he was oxygen and she was running low on air.

"You need to apologise to Hyungwon, okay?" Her voice came out muffled, Hoseok's tshirt absorbing her words before they reached to him.

"Okay," he said, and he really did.

Minutes later, he found out Hyungwon in the waiting room where he stood with a baby half asleep in his bony arms, the baby's head propped up on his shoulder as he talked to the parents smilingly.

By the time the curly haired boy had reached him the mom had left taking the baby. Hyungwon was alone and only glanced at Hoseok as he stood next to him. More parents were walking around with infants to get them vaccinated.

The clamouring around the arena was loud but not really reaching them. Hoseok breathed out before he spoke, "I am sorry for lashing out to you the other day. It was not your fault I know. I didn't mean what I said to you that day."

Hoseok didn't know what he was exactly feeling behind those words, words that came out sane and well thought out. Hoseok was just afraid of getting questioned.

"I know, shit happens." Hyungwon said softly before raking a hand through his dirty blonde hair. "Sometimes we just don't feel like it."

Hoseok felt light, as if a burden was lifted off his chest when he saw Hyungwon not poking anymore on that matter. Serim and he both had been Hoseok's friend since first year, maybe they really were willing to understand Hoseok.

Hoseok wanted to hug Hyungwon but that would be too awkward to perform there. Hoseok saved it for the next day after he'd greet Hyungwon as a sunshine.

First, he needed to find the kid with a lisp he reacted to earlier, resulting in that kid crying. Hoseok wanted to reconcile with that little boy too.

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A/n: a lot of people know about bipolar disorder but not borderline personality disorder. BPD may seem similar but it's different.

I'll talk about it more in the explanation chapter.