Four. Seppuku

You wake up with her by your side for several nights now. Before she gets a chance to wake up, you have already gone to the bathroom and brushed your teeth as you don’t want your morning breath to get in the way of your kissing session.

She looks beautiful under your starched sheets and you look at her body. Her arm is draped over her head as she sleeps and at that moment, you think that she is cute. You have done nothing with her but fall asleep with her in your arms but unfortunately she would always fall asleep faster than you. You plant a light kiss on her pink lips and she smiles as she hugs you.

“Good morning.” She lazily tells you and she hugs you tighter.

“Morning.” You tell her back and then you kiss her neck lightly. She urges you to continue by putting your hand on her chest. But you always lower it and pull her closer instead, hoping that your kisses would change her mind.

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She steals kisses from you and for the first time in a long time, you have become so addicted to her that you often become rough with her.

You think that this is probably the reason why she leads your hand, as she sees you attracted to her as much as she is to you.

Both of you are in an alleyway and you put your tongue in your kisses and you massage it with hers. Right after you picked her up from her practice, she pulled you away from the busy pavement and into the secluded cavity of one of the buildings.

“Touch me more.” She would breathlessly tell you while you make your way onto her neck but you never do it. You think that her purity is something she should treasure and it is not right for you to take it away from her. Eventually you decrease the intensity of your kisses and the mood fades away, like the afterglow of a wildfire.

You can tell that she is disappointed and that hurts you but you let it be. She is a flower that you have to give away eventually.

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Both of you arrive at the dorm and it is dim with music playing. The heavy base vibrates around the room and people are engaged in peripheral conversations with each other. Yoona smirks at you while waving two beer bottles for you and her, and with Yoona’s actions, Jessica’s grip on your hand automatically tightens.

It was a celebration to welcome the new trainees who arrived a week before. You have noticed that ever since their arrival, Tiffany and Yoona have been spending more time with them, giving more privacy between you and her. Yoona has taken a fancy for a tall girl, slightly younger than her, named Seohyun and Tiffany has been spending more of her time with Taeyeon, who was her roommate back in the academy.

“Drink up and have some fun.” Yoona smiles at you with that demeaning smile of hers. You grab the beer and you give her the other bottle. You lead her to the couch to where everyone else is and you rest your back against the couch, and you take a sip of your beer. She holds your hand and eventually she gets tipsy from the beer.

You just close your eyes and relax, while she is hugging your arm. You completely feel her warmth as you listen to the song being played.

You take another sip of your second beer bottle. You personally love the taste of it and you remember making out while you were drunk with Yoona, way back then. The fact that you got drunk with each kiss was surreal to you, and it eventually became your favorite thing to do at the parties you went to. You let your thoughts wander at the things you have done in your past, grinding with someone to hot and heavy R&B, making out with a girl to be the center of attention, and even playing chandelier and shedding your clothes whenever you lose. She interrupts your thoughts as she drinks her bottle, as if chugging it like it was water. She is trying to impress you and you are indeed impressed. Not by how much she can drink in one go, but rather at how gorgeous she looks with flushed cheeks.

You lazily smile at her at how she can make an Asian glow look so sexy.

“Yuri, I love you.” She tells you and she pulls you closer, ignoring the people around the two of you. Her kisses are aggressive and you want more. She ends up pulling you down as she lays her head on the armrest, and you are now on top of her.

Everything feels so right and you feel hazy from everything that is happening. You hear faint sounds of people saying things but you pay no attention and you kiss her more. You are getting more and more lightheaded and you figure that everyone else will probably forget this incident after tonight.

Your making out proceeds for a longer time and you feel yourself on fire. She grabs you and takes you to her room, and she starts to shed her clothes in front of you and you feel stunned at how sexy she is. You want her but the desire for her purity is still stronger than your bodily cravings.

She is now down to her underwear and you want her so damn much. You take a deep breath and you exhale as you close your eyes. You are trying to calm yourself down from what you are about to do, as you yourself are unsure of how it will turn out.

“I can’t.” You say as she goes on top of you.

“Why not?” She asks while she hungrily kisses your neck. Any second now, you will break your limit.

“Not tonight. I don’t feel like it.” You close your eyes as you resist her. She gets off of you and she sits up with disappointment as you see her with her head down and hands fidgeting with each other.

“Okay.” She says and you feel sad that you are breaking her heart. She silently wipes her tears in front of you and you grab her hands and place them tenderly onto yours, then you kiss her to suppress her weeping.

You wrap her in your embrace and you are disappointed with yourself. Slowly you pat her back as you know that you are hurting her feelings. But you understand that it is for her own good.

“Let’s go to sleep?” You whisper to her and she nods. She hugs you tightly, and you hug her back. Her eyes are staining your shirt from her tears that you look at her again and you wipe the hurt again before lightly kissing her. Your foreheads part and you look into her eyes and you smile at her. She turns shy again and your smile becomes wider.

You would trade anything in the world just to see her act like this every single day.

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You get off of the bed and for the first time, she has woken up before you. You try to look for traces of her but you see the bed empty. Talking can be heard from the outside and you step out, seeing Jessica sitting on the couch with your fellow trainees circling her. They take notice of your presence and Taeyeon smirks at you.

“Speak of the devil. We were just talking about you. Take a seat.” She says as she crosses her arms and signals you to sit next to Jessica.

You sit and you wait for her to say anything and Jessica holds your hand.

“We’re really dating.” Jessica boldly tells them and you can already see Yoona chuckling at your direction.

“Chyeah, and I f*ck Seohyun every night.” Yoona adds as a rebuttal in an attempt to add sarcasm to the conversation.

“Unnie!” Seohyun screams while she slaps Yoona’s arm. Although it was perfect as a joke, you know Yoona well enough to know whenever she is joking or not.

“Anyway…” Taeyeon clears her throat and looks at you sternly. “I have no problem with the two of you dating as long as it does not interfere with practice. I was put by the manager as the leader for this group and I am responsible for the things that go around this dorm. Just keep it clean and don’t cause any problems.”

Jessica nods and you nod weakly as well.

“Who’s hungry?” Taeyeon then asks as all of the three other girls go to the kitchen and follow her, leaving you and her alone.

You look at her and before you can utter a word, she hugs you tight with her arms around your neck. You pat her back, unsure of what has become of your relationship at present.

When she let go, she puts her hand on your cheek and kisses you tenderly. You close your eyes and you kiss her back.

“You two should get a room.” Yoona smiles while leaning on the foundation near where she is.

Jessica breaks off the kiss and she looks away from you while trying to hide her blush away from you and Yoona.

Then she stands up, pulling you along with her and she literally takes Yoona’s advice.

“Feel free to go at it all day, no practice today.”

You want to slap Yoona out of her wits for saying such vulgar things.

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Jessica pushes you against the door after slamming it shut and she kisses you roughly while getting you out of your clothes. You become alarmed and you stop her before she could have the chance to fully unbutton your blouse from last night.

She clenches her hand along with your shirt and you can tell that she is frustrated with you. She bites her lip while looking away and she eventually starts to talk.

“Am I not good enough for you?” She asks you and you are unable to say anything back.

“Do you not like me, Yuri?” She starts to cry again in front of you and you want to stop her from crying. You extend your hand to her but she shoves it away.

“Why are you still hesitating when I have finally told them? This is why you don't want to right? Because they do not know?" She says and her eyes are getting red from crying. "Would you rather do it with Yoona instead?”

You hug her but she tries to struggle. Nevertheless, you use all your strength to secure her in your arms.

“You think I’m disgusting that you do not want to touch me.”

“No.” You slowly whisper to her, hoping that she would be comforted with your simple words. “You are worth so much more than you think.”

“Then why won’t you touch me.” She reasons out with her tears flowing down her cheeks.

“I have respect for you.” You gently say while you rub her hand with your thumb and kiss it.

“No, you keep on pushing me away. You reject me and it hurts. You kiss me but you leave me at that. Why do you keep on leading me on? Is what I am giving you not enough?” She cries in your arms and she tries to struggle away from you again.

“You are more than enough.” You hold her and then you tell her a lie that you regret, right after you utter it. “I love you, Jessica.”

“Then prove it.” She turns at you and looks at you straight in the eyes with determination, hurt, and boldness that scares you so much.

“Okay. Let me go shower.” You say before you break off from her, and you leave the room.

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You wait in her room while she takes her bath. In a few minutes, she will be exposing herself to you fully and you will satisfy her as much as you humanly can.

You cannot help but feel bad with what you have been doing all this time, as you have actually been hurting her with all the times that you have refused her. You understand that you were trying to find your ideal ending for her, not necessarily taking her own feelings in consideration. Instead of protecting her, you are in fact, hurting her.

You walk around her room and you see different spreads of polaroids on her desks. Some with friends and some are with older people that may be her relatives. You then notice a piece of paper hidden under the pile of polaroids.

Today I kissed Yuri for the first time and I was actually scared that she might reject me for being such a bad kisser but she didn’t. She held me and we kissed more under the stars. Kissing her makes me feel lightheaded and I feel butterflies in my stomach.

You fail to read further as you hear footsteps approaching the room. You put the paper back to the bottom of the pile and you sit on the bed. She opens and locks the door, and you see her wearing nothing but a towel on.

Your heart begins to race as you still see beads of water running down her collarbone. Your breathing begins to hitch as she approaches you closer and she is now facing you with her hands on her towel. You look at her and you cannot deny that you are getting seduced by her. Her expression, erotic, and you are getting sucked in.

She lets go of her towel and you see her naked in front of you. She straddles herself on your lap and she wraps her arms around your neck as she presses her body onto your clothed self. The kissing makes you more and more hotter, slowly making you want her.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” You breathlessly ask as she is taking off your shirt, revealing your toned body for her.

“Yes.” She tells you while giving you another kiss. She puts your hand over her breast, urging you to grope her. You do and she lets out an erotic moan that arouses you more. Eventually she pushes you onto the bed with you left only in your underwear.

You hear a knock on the door and she groans at who it is that is interrupting the two of you.

“Jessica, Yuri loves it when you’re on top.” You hear Yoona say.

She then looks at you and kisses you again while already being on top of you, as if ignoring what Yoona has said.

You hate Yoona for being so f*cking damn right.

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Selca 5: 序破急

“Hnn Yuri…” she tells you while you are pushing her against the mirror in the studio. Both of you have just finished a dance routine and the sweat that has been running down her neck for the past hour has finally gotten on your nerves. Right when the music ended, you took her arm and you started to kiss her while you caught your breath. She puts her hands on your waist and pulls you close which urges you to go on.

“Ugh…f*ck. Yuri, please more.” She sighs while she is clinging onto you. Her back is against the mirror, her nails digging into your back and your legs are in between hers.

Her body heat is arousing you more and you continue. The smell of sweat coming off from both of you is turning you on even more that you would literally wreck her if you weren’t as tired as you were right now. You taste her and it makes you crazier than you are at the moment. The sex with her is raw, rawer than you have ever imagined sex to be and it is something you have never experienced with anyone before. It is just beyond lust and you do not how you have managed to survive without her.

The sounds she makes and the erotic noises coming from her just urges you to go faster.

She screams out your name and her legs collapse on you and you see her leaning against the mirror on the ground, heavily panting from the aftershock. You are tired yourself and you give her a gentle kiss to finish everything off.

“I love you so much.” She tells you with that angelic voice of hers and you find her so arousing.

You give her a hug while the two of you are trying to catch your breaths and then eventually you carry her in your arms and you bring her to her room.

You place her on her bed as you know that she is tired from what just happened. You gently kiss her, as a token of your thanks.

What has become a soft and gentle kiss has then become another fast roller coaster for the both of you as you shed off your clothes again.

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You love the way she moans, the way she becomes breathless whenever you would touch her. Her voice gives you chills down your spine every time she begs you to go faster. The expression she makes when she’s close to her climax is something you look forward to every time. Her body is something you know very well and you love that it gets hot from your touch. You have found that you can’t get enough of her, and she feels the same way.

You do quickies with her before you leave your rooms for practice, stolen make out sessions every time either of you take a bathroom break. And every night you go at it, over and over again.

You cannot imagine a day without doing it with her or at least having some sort of touching with her. She has certainly become bolder than she was before and you think it’s erotic. The fact that she looks so innocent but urges you to do the kinkiest things is one major turn on for you.

“Do you want more?” You whisper to her with your hand running down her leg.

“Yes…Please.” She replies to you, her voice sounding desperate and needy.

“What do you want?” You love torturing her with words while you add in light touches that makes her burn more with desire. You love it when she tells you things that she would never say to you during the times that you do not have sex.

“Please, Yuri…Fcuk me harder please…” she desperately tells you while trying to move your hand.

You have always been weak when it comes to her begging; since she can make herself look so desperate so well that it might as well become a fetish.

You continue doing things to her and she says things in English from the pleasure you’re giving. You do not understand English at all and you pay no attention. Because after all, she looks so hot while saying each and every syllable and you think that at this point, that’s all that matters.

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Sometimes she is the one that initiates and you can tell that she still becomes nervous. Her actions are rough when she is already in heat and ready for you, so you calm her down by kissing her neck. You wonder how she feels with each touch you give her.

“So sexy.” You often whisper to her and she always looks back at you with a hazy smile and she would often kiss you after.

“I love you Yuri.”

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You have been slacking off from your work out but you understand that a session at night burns as much as your trip to the gym. It is around 5:00 AM and you see her lying next to you, bare under your sheets. She is pretty and with her light complexion, you think she looks like an angel when she sleeps. You think that maybe with blonde or orange hair, she would look gorgeous.

Her movement shifts and she hugs you tightly while she’s sleeping. Lately she has been calling you Seobang and you do not understand where she has gotten it. You have tried asking but instead of telling you, she would instead blush and giggle.

You understand that something is indeed happening to you as you yearn for her more and more each day. There are instances when she looks at you and you feel your heart skip a beat, making you do all sorts of things to her, in or outside the bedroom.

She would make everything seem so dead when she is not around and you feel a void when the two of you are apart. You have noticed the slightest things that she would do absentmindedly and you love each and every one of them. The way she twirls her hair when she is bored, the face she makes when she looks for someone, and the smile that she shows, enough to melt anyone’s heart.

You love the way she holds your hand to a particular grip. Her hands fit perfectly into yours and you have become used to it over the months. The sensation you get from her saying your name and with her telling you what to do her body. The feeling of uneasiness you get whenever she is away from you makes you want to hold her close when she back by your side. Whenever she is around, you feel needy of her, thirsty for her kisses and hungry for her caress. You love all the sensations she gives you and you always try to get your fill of her, despite how much your body allows.

Weeks have passed ever since you have been with her and you understand that there are changes that you notice. She bites her lip when she is shy or has done something wrong, she kisses you to stop you from looking into her eyes and just gazing at her for hours whenever you get the chance, she gets jealous when Yoona tries to talk to you about her scenarios with Seohyun, and she even tries to act possessive that her cuteness compels you to listen to her.

The way her face looks, when she smiles, when she frowns, when she pouts or even when she sleeps, are things that you look forward to every single day that you have been living together. Much too slowly, you see yourself trying to catch stolen glimpses of her whenever people are around. Whiffs of her hair every time she passes your way. Now that the time has passed and your relationship have finally become stable, you realize that you are now too far in to back out, and you are slowly becoming addicted to Jessica Jung.

What has been alien to you prior to her confession is something you have confirmed through time.

You are in love with her, and you are glad that she is all yours.

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You hear Taeyeon talking from the outside and you wake up without her next to you. You stand up and wear your discarded clothes, as you do not want to show yourself naked with everyone else in the room.

Just when you were about to turn the doorknob, you hear Taeyeon talking again.

“I just hope that you will be able to prioritize everything with what I have talked about, Jessica. I am not saying that you should stop your relationship but do understand that we are debuting in three months’ time.”

You do not hear anything from the other end but you decide to go back to bed and wait for her there. You end up dozing off lightly for another nap, and eventually you feel the bed’s weight shift on the edge. You open your eyes and you see her looking at you. Although she has not said a thing to you about her conversation with Taeyeon, you understand the situation well.

Over the past few months since the first time that the two of you have had sex, she has been practicing poorly to accommodate your time together. You, yourself have been affected as well but unlike her, you are able to keep everything under control. She holds your hand and you smile at her. Today is one of those days where you just want to look at her and be content with it for hours. You hug her from behind as the two of you lie down. Your hands intertwined together with hers over her stomach.

Just when you were about to tell her your confession which you have been holding back for around four months time, she surprises you with one of hers.

“Let’s break up.”

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Selca 6: Rubicon

“Okay,” you tell her and you let go of her. You are completely unsure of how you should react but you do what is obvious. She does not want to be with you anymore, so you accept it as you may have to do it eventually as well. You sit up to leave her but you still see her motionless on the bed.

She is shedding tears and you begin to feel hurt from what is happening. You lie back down and you hug her again. Your hands are holding hers and you try to be gentle as possible.

“Don’t cry,” you whisper to her and she just holds your hand tighter. You hug her tighter, as it will be the last time that you will have her in your embrace. You decide that it would be better to hide your feelings, as it would just create unnecessary tension for the both of you.

Eventually she falls asleep and you let go of the hand that clasps hers. You kiss her fingertips, something you love to do because it makes her blush so much.

“I love you,” you whisper to her and you smile. You have finally confessed but now you have to end it as well.

You then move the hand that she is holding, and finally, you let go of her.

“Goodbye.”

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For the past few days, she has not been herself when she is with you. You do not know how she is doing as she does not discuss anything with you. Both of you are recovering from the aftermath of what has become the two of you, but you are holding up surprisingly well. You still feel the void and the emptiness without her but you understand that all you have done, is all for her happiness.

You have found that you often take walks to ease your pain and she is practicing harder than ever before. Once in a while when you see each other, you end up looking away upon realizing that you have once again gotten lost in her eyes.

“Yuri, can you come to my room for a sec, my air conditioner’s not working and I can’t figure it out.” Yoona tells you while you are preparing your sandwich. She is watching T.V. with Tiffany and you automatically look her way, just to be reminded that she has no more constraints on you.

You go to Yoona’s room and the air that greets you is dry and hot. You see Seohyun tied to the computer chair with a blindfold on and you look away to the air-conditioner’s position.

“Unnie?” Seohyun asks casually, as if unaware that she has been tied up.

“Hang in there, Hyunnie. I’m gonna die from a heatstroke if this heat continues. Yuri-unnie’s here.” Yoona says while you bend down to fix the switch.

“Uhh…what? Yuri-unnie is here? Er…”

“Relax. She’s used to kinky stuff like this. So don’t worry about it.”

“Isn’t that right?” Yoona asks while leaning over and speaking into your ear. You ignore her as you know that you do not want to be involved at all. “If you want, we can always do a threesome. Seohyun’s pretty kinky.”

Hearing this makes you work faster than you are at the moment. Eventually you get the air-conditioner working and you are relieved.

“Hyunnie, Yuri-unnie fixed the A/C; how about a threesome to celebrate?”

“Uhh—"

“I’m good and you’re welcome.” You say before Seohyun gets a chance to tell you her answer. The door slams shut while you are closing it, startling her and Tiffany and you head to your room.

You think about all the things you have done with her and time seems to have been going faster than usual while you are standing still on what feels like a time lapse.

You sigh as you watch the orange light penetrating your white linen curtains. You hear faint moaning coming from the room next to you. The sound of 50s jazz echoing from Taeyeon’s vinyl turntable. And the sound of television, on this hot afternoon.

All the vibrations buzz around you, enough to keep you relaxed. But just like an addiction that you are trying so hard to pacify, you know that the only drug--or rather sound, that can truly do that is her voice.

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You awake at dawn and you are hit with the reality that she is not next to you again. You decide to grind your ma and you will be heading off to your jog.

You go to the refrigerator and take out a root of ma. Then you pick up eggs and you start waiting for the skillet to heat. Just when you crack the first egg, you realize that you are no longer doing this for her. You suddenly feel pain in your chest and tears suddenly blur your vision. You do not understand these new emotions but you know that you are hurting.

You decide to turn off the pan and you try your hardest to hold your tears.

Unfortunately, those tears keep on flowing and the only thing you can do is wipe them off.

Your crying finally ceases and you go on with your daily routine. You go for your jog, shower, and you practice until night. This goes on for several days and you find yourself distancing away from her as each day passes by.

The spring air is cold and you end up going out for dinner. She has been spending more time with the other girls, and you are often left alone. Yoona is always with Seohyun and Tiffany and Taeyeon are always with her.

It is a holiday and you walk around the city. You look at the buildings surrounding it and you find it bare of people. You wander around and you look for a place to eat. You have no plans of going home for the next few hours so you decide to go to a tofu shop. The songs that play around the bar remind you of the Jazz songs that Taeyeon would play in the afternoon.

You place your order and while you eat, you find everything empty, just like the previous days. You understand that she is the cause of the void but you do not understand the reason why the void exists.

You hear the faint sound of the pedestrian light and you see people walking across it.

Then you hear screaming coming from the other side with a man running towards your direction. You hear a car screech and the last thing you remember are people screaming in shock.

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You stay frozen on your tracks as you have experienced the reaper do its job, inches away from you. A man is holding a girl’s corpse with tears on his face, next to a car with a broken windshield. A few seconds ago, you had been walking behind the girl and now, you see her dead and lifeless with blood staining her body.

The man is crying and he is screaming out promises that the girl cannot hear anymore. His promises of getting married, growing old and having a family together are echoing around the entire intersection. People are as still as you and then the paramedics eventually come and you get shoved off to the side. They try to revive the girl through the AED machine but you still see her lifeless.

You are shaken from what just happened and you stay in the same position for a good hour.

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You are walking home and you still are feeling the aftershock from what you have seen. The sense of despair that the man has felt as he held his lover is something that is bothering you. You are scared that you would face the same fate without her. Being able to see her smiling in a moment and lifeless in the next, scares you. You arrive in front of your dorm building and you cannot help but cry again. You are in love with her and you cannot leave your feelings concealed as you know that your future is uncertain.

She is the reason you have been in bliss for the past few weeks and you have been trying to deny your addiction for the last few days. Your boldness in assuming that you can survive without her, your altruistic acts of choosing whatever that is good for her, your selflessness in honoring your decision have all fallen down, as you have come to the realization that your life is nothing without her.

Life itself, is nothing without her.

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The elevator door greets you and you look at the numbers as they ascend to the floor where the dorm is.

You open the door and she is lying down on the couch with a book over her face. She is looking at you with the same pufferfish face she has greeted people with before. The loud sound of R&B is booming from Yoona’s room and it is out of place with the entire thing. You approach her and she looks at you intently.

You place your hands on hers and you tug her close, hugging her tightly, letting her feel your trembling.

Your heart thumps uncontrollably and you find it hard to breathe. She somehow understands and she hugs you back.

“I don’t want to let you go.” You tell her and your emotions are flowing out and as you utter the words, you finally know exactly what you want.

Her hand stops caressing you and she is processing the information you are giving.

You let go and you look at her face to face. Her face is beautiful, still just as beautiful as the last time you has seen her. Then you touch her, just to make sure that it is really her in front of you.

You share a simple kiss and at this moment, you are convinced that you must fight for your love.

Fight for her until your final breath, until you reach your limit, until you break and until you shatter.

“Jessica, please don’t leave me.”

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Selca 7: Norms.

Over the past few days, you have found that she has been avoiding you by making sure that she never crosses paths with you throughout the day. She has been waking up early to go to vocal practice, while you are still fast asleep.

You remember the times that you used to wake up next to her, her hair messy and her makeup smudged from all the lovemaking you have done from the night before. Her lips are a distinct taint of pink and you enjoyed giving her kisses which turned into make out sessions when she pretends to be asleep. Now you only hear the distinct sound of her keys clanging from the front door, which is probably the only interaction you can get directly from her.

In the afternoons, she takes naps instead of watching television and you go into your own room at that time as well. The fact that she is so close, yet so far away from you is something you are wounded from, and you do not understand how to mend it.

Several days have passed and you see your activities as empty, repetitive, and short. Time has gone into a standstill with a deafening silence surrounding it. You barely have that smirk that you used to show, the motivation to work your hardest, and all your reasons for existence are dissipating one by one.

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Rumors float around about her and Jaejoong going out. Secret encounters, frequent dates, with Jessica coming home later than usual. You question her action of ending it with you but yet finding someone else to be with. You want to put an end to all the doubts you have so you go to Tiffany and ask. You are not close to her but she is closest to Jessica at this moment.

She is watching television and the show is about different celebrities getting matched then having a fake wedding. You wonder where these companies get their ideas as they become more ridiculous throughout time.

“Tiffany, can I talk to you?” You say after the show has gone into a commercial break.

“Sure.” She smiles cheerfully at you while lowering the volume down.

“Is Jessica seeing Jaejoong?” You ask earnestly as you want nothing but the truth.

“I…I don’t know.” She replies with a slight drop on her tone. “Honestly, we haven’t really been talking.”

“Oh…” You rest your back on the chair again and you look at the T.V. lazily.

“I’m sorry, she has been avoiding me but are things okay between the two of you?”

“No, we broke up.”

“Oh, I’m sorry for asking.”

“It’s okay. Let’s hope for the best for her.”

You look at her with a warm smile. She is just as worried as you but someone has to be strong in the midst of all this. The show then resumes from its commercial break. You smile as you take the remote from the coffee table. You turn up the volume and you watch the show with her. No words are needed to convey how the two of you feel, so you let the noise drown your emotions out.

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The next day, you wake up and it is already 10 A.M. You have overslept and you get out to the kitchen to see if there is anything to eat.

You see her eating on the table, barely starting her meal. You take a plate and you sit next to her.

You can tell that she is uncomfortable with your presence so when she is just halfway done, she already stands up. You pay no attention to her because you know that it is a lost cause.

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You have just finished drying your hair and you see her reading again on the couch. You decide to confront her with it since the idea that she is with someone is putting a thorn in your heart.

“Jessica…” She inches away from you.

She does not respond but you face her direction. She is nonchalant and her expression is unreadable. You then call her again.

“Sica…”

After a few more attempts of calling, she closes her book and she stands up. You stand up as well, stopping her by grabbing her wrist.

“I heard about you and Jaejoong…” She does not look in your direction and it pains you that the same hands that held your own are now pushing you away. You hug her fiercely from behind and she tries to struggle. The fact that this is the harsh reality is giving tears to your eyes. Eventually the struggling has come to a halt and you know that you are hurting her as well.

“Are the rumors true?” You ask and you hope that she will deny it. She does not give an answer but you assume that she does not want to discuss it with you, despite it being true or not. You are hurt and you turn her around to look you in the eyes. Just like you, she is crying.

“Yuri let me go.” She weakly says while she cries. You wipe her tears away while yours flow freely.

“No, I love you.” You gently say. You feel pain in your chest that you somehow cannot describe. “If you’re worried about your practice schedule, let’s work things out…please.”

“What we have…is not normal. Yuri...we can’t be together.” She sorrowfully says while trying to get away from your embrace.

“Is this why you’re with him?” You unconsciously put a hint of anger in your tone.

She does not answer but you feel hurt. Hurt with the fact that she does not want to be with you because of something that is beyond your control. You love her and you feel frustrated because what she wants is impossible for you to give. On instinct, you give her a gentle kiss to see even a hint of her love for you is still there. But she rejects it by shoving you away.

--------------------------------------------------

Things have gotten worse between the two of you that the only way that you can see her was during the joint practice you have with the other trainees. You see her from a distance, talking to other people while you are in the same group as Yoona and Seohyun. You practice and you try to ignore looking at her.

You know you are straining your body harder than anyone in the room, as you already spent the entire night practicing by yourself.

You are becoming lightheaded and fatigue is taking over you. Unfortunately, the entire room’s energy does not permit you to go against it.

------------------------------------------------

Gasps are heard and look for the source of it. You see Jaejoong walking past your fellow trainees and taking his place in front of everyone. The music then ends and he instantly steps forward to make an announcement.

“Hi everyone, I’m Jaejoong from DBSK and from next week on, I will be leading this practice.” The elicits cheers from people and you look at her. She is not smiling like the rest of your fellow trainees but she does not look upset either.

“But before that…” Jaejoong clears his throat again. “Jung Jessica, can you come in front please?”

You look at her and she lowers her head while everyone observes her every movement.

Jaejoong takes her hand and you understand what is imminent.

“Jessica is my girlfriend so please treat her with respect. I am telling you all this to put an end to the rumors. I am sorry but we are exclusive to each other. Isn’t that right, Jessica?”

She looks at you while hesitating for her reply. She looks uneasy and nervous, and you bite your lip in anticipation of her rejection of him.

But unfortunately, it never comes.

“Yes.”

---------------------

Selca 8: Reset

You drink your beer and you see them sitting on the couch across you. Jaejoong is obviously drunk with his hand on Jessica and Jessica leaning on his arm. She is looking down with her gaze concentrated on his hand, and you are distressed as you look at them. You miss her smile and you miss everything about her, though she is just within your reach.

The hands that used to touch you and give you sensations that you have never felt before are now confined in someone else’s. You look at her face and you look at how beautiful she is again. She is pretty and you eventually acknowledge the fact that she finally has her own prince, which was something you wanted before you found out your own feelings for her.

You take another sip of your drink and you can feel your head hurting already. Eventually you fall asleep and luckily, this party was in your dorm.

You smile inwardly as you dose off to your slumber. At least in your dreams, you can only see her with the person you want to see her with the most. You.

-------------------------------------

You feel a cold object sitting on top of your head as you wake up. You then try to see what it is but a hand catches yours, preventing you from touching it. You open your eyes and Taeyeon greets you with a gentle smile with Tiffany looking at you on the side. You are in your room covered with a blanket and your head is hurting from your hangover.

“Get some rest today.” Taeyeon tells you with a warm smile on her face. You then try to sit up but they stop you from doing so.

“Just take a nap for a few more hours, please Yuri?” Tiffany says while they try to push you down to the bed again.

You breathe out from the pain that your body feels and you breathe out while you close your eyes. You want to see her, despite of the fact that she hates you.

“I’m going to get you some soup.” Taeyeon stands up and exits. Tiffany then takes her place and she places her hand on your shoulder.

“Take care of yourself. I understand that you are worried and hurt about her but please do take care of yourself.”

You faintly nod and you want to cry. You miss her again and you want her to be taking care of you. Taeyeon then comes back with your soup and you feel sad for being so helpless in front of them. You take the soup from her, and she gives you a warm smile in return.

“Yuri-ah, stay strong. Hwaiting.” She says in almost a whisper. You weakly smile as you blow a spoonful of your hot soup.

“Go get some rest after you finish, okay?” Taeyeon smiles again while brushing off your fringe. You then become glad you work with such good people.

-------------------------------------------------------

You open your eyes and you look at your watch. It is already 9 AM and you are becoming to feel sweaty under your sheets. You feel better than the day before and you decide to go to the restroom and freshen up. As you open the door, you see her looking through the stack of DVDs next to the T.V. and concentrate on going to the bathroom as you know that you do not want her to look at you with such a groggy look on you.

After your shower, you come back and she is looking intently at the screen, obviously trying to ignore your presence. You sit near her and you try to watch the movie with her. To your stamina allows, you constantly find yourself having the urge to hug her and bring the past back. You miss her fingertips that you used to kiss, her blush that she would constantly hide from you when you said something sweet to her, you miss every little bit of her that you find boldness from yourself that you never thought you had, a few moments ago.

“Jessica…” You say as you wrap your arms around her from behind. Her temperature is slightly colder than yours, indicating that you still have your fever.

She tries to struggle by moving your arms away from her but you are too strong for her. Her actions hurt you and you begin to shed your tears.

“I love you.” She stops and you put your body closer to her. “I love you so much that I can’t stand a day without you. Please…come back.”

She does not move or even utter anything and you know that you are losing her. Your head is throbbing from your fever and your heart is bleeding from what is happening. You cry while you hold her and she consoles you by holding your hand and lightly brushing it.

Eventually you lose your energy and you cannot move your arms. Your eyes are beginning to feel heavy and you feel yourself being moved.

“Babo…” she gently tells you.

-------------------------------------

You wake up and you see Yoona sitting on the other loveseat across you. You have a blanket over you and she is nowhere to be found.

“Yuri, you really got it bad for her huh? Honestly, I never really thought that I’d see the day.” She tells you with a smirk while flipping through the channels. Eventually she has found something that catches her attention and she puts the remote on the table. “Man, this girl, she looks like Seohyun I swear.”

You look at the television screen and you see the girl’s resemblance to Seohyun. The girl is in the show that Tiffany was watching the other day, with celebrity couples getting married, and doing various missions as they pretend to be a couple. Yoona’s expression seems to change whenever the girl would smile at her fake husband.

You start to become nauseous again so you sit back on the couch where you are while looking at the television show.

“How are you holding up with the whole Jaejoong and Jessica thing?” She asks you while the show goes to commercial break.

The silence is filled with sounds from the television while she waits for your reply.

“Don’t worry, nobody’s here besides Seohyun but she’s taking a shower.”

You chuckle at Yoona.

“I’m surprised that you’re not showering with her.”

“Yeah I know, I’m actually surprised that I chose you over her.”

You let out a small laugh. Moments like these were the reason why you still regarded her as your best friend, despite of the fact that the two of you share quite different personalities.

“Hang in there, everything will get better.”

“Thanks.”

----------------------------

Three days has passed and you have not seen her at all. Tonight, Tiffany and Taeyeon are sleeping overnight for vocal practice while Yoona and Seohyun went home for a brief holiday. You already finished your dance practice earlier during the day, and you had nothing else left on your agenda. You are now lying on your bed while thinking about your debut that will be happening in two months time. They have not finalized any of the members for your group nor have they given out the name. You think about the things that will happen and you cannot help but to feel slightly anxious about it.

Minutes pass and it starts to rain. You hear footsteps coming from the door but unfortunately, your eyes are too heavy to bother with who it was.

---------------------

You hear vibrations coming from your phone and you see the wind coming from the rainfall getting stronger. Thunder sounds from outside that you become startled by how sudden it is. You then check your phone lazily as you see that you have just received a text message from Yoona.

She broke up with Jaejoong.

Your lips quiver from the message and you feel out of breath. You feel as if you are choking as your heartbeat starts to beat irregularly. This was news that you have been hoping for ever since you have heard of them dating.

Another boom of thunder sounds and you hear a faint sound of someone crying. You sit up on your bed and you get out of your room to hers.

You realize that it would make perfect sense for her to be inside. Nobody was supposed to be home when you fell asleep, and you had no idea of her whereabouts initially.

You open the door and you see her sitting at the edge of the bed while hugging a pillow. She is crying and she looks at you for a second before looking away. You understand that she is scared of the thunder, just like how you first night that you held her in her arms as the two of you slept. She needed you, and this time, she needs you again.

You go to her and you kneel in front of her. You take the pillow away from her arms and you can see her tears flowing from her cheeks.

“Jessica…” You tell her as you begin to feel hurt. The fact that she is crying makes you hurt as well.

“Jessica, please, I’m sorry.” She cries while you hold her in your arms. You understand well that you are not the cause of her hurt but you feel responsible for it.

She cries louder and she hugs you tighter.

“I’m here, please don’t cry.” You say while you try to calm her down. Her breathing eventually becomes slower but she has no plans of letting you go. “I’m here now. I promise I won’t leave you.”

During the hug, you feel pain in seeing her cry and you feel her warmth against yours. Her body fits perfectly onto yours and you know that you are calming her down. Eventually she takes a deep breath and then you start to release your grip. But unfortunately she stops you by repositioning your body onto hers and hugging you tighter than before.

“No…”

You do not say anything but you brush her hair in response. You give her a kiss on her forehead and you stay with her.

“Let’s go to sleep?” You smile at her and she weakly nods at you in response.

You lie down on her bed with her using your arm as her pillow. You look at her sleeping peacefully in your arms.

You then feel that things have gone back to the way they used to be again, and that somehow, things have reset.

-------------------------

Selca 9: Momentum

It is one of the perfect mornings that you’ve always dreamed of—you wake up and find her lying beside you, still fast asleep. You smile at how beautiful she is when she sleeps. You wrap her with your arms, and she hugs you back on reflex, obviously missing your embrace as much as you miss hers.

You find her cuter when she then stirs in her sleep, instantly telling you that she is about to wake up. You count the moments as she may once again revert to the times that you have been away from her. You think that nothing could be better with her hand in yours, and her head resting on the crook of your neck. It was almost too good to be true, but as you look at the ceiling and stare into the blank ceiling, your thoughts quickly wander and you ask yourself what the real deal is between the two of you.

But you shrug them off eventually, because what mattered to you at that moment is your dream coming true. You pull her hand up and you put her fingertips close to your lips. You kiss them gently, until you look behind her hands and notice a pair of eyes observing your gesture. You chuckle at the way she bats her eyes at you; she still looks shy as ever, and it should have stopped you from caressing her. Instead, you pull her closer to you, as if her shyness was out of the point now.

You feel her chest rising up and down and her breathing hitching as you stare deep into her eyes. When you close the gap between the two of you, she would seem more stunned, just like the first time you kissed. You look at her lips and they look inviting. You want her and you are almost certain that she wants you as well.

When you gently press your lips on hers, you feel like the day, perhaps that moment, would last forever. You close your eyes without moving your lips and you exhale while you kiss her. It relieved you to know that the feelings that you thought have fleeted, are back to fix what has been destroyed.

The kiss eventually breaks by itself and the two of you look at each other again. Her cheeks are turning red with her lips having a more defined color of pink. She bites her lower lip, shying away from you. But you pull her closer to you again, and now her body is against yours.

This time, just as you try to kiss her, she pulls your shirt possessively, and all at once the tables have turned. You try to catch up with her as she gently kisses you. The faint taste of vanilla on her lips hinted you that she probably wore that flavor as lipstick last night. You then close your eyes, letting her lips glide on yours, as if you’d never get another kiss like it again.

She has you at her mercy, but you don’t mind it at all. You would do anything she wants, as long as she stays with you.

-------------------------------

You’re not at all surprised at why you barely talk whenever it is only the two of you. Both of you believe that even the simplest gestures you share make up for the unspoken words. She stays with you whenever she is done with practice, and you hold hands as you go back to the dorm. Whenever the two of you watch television, she rests her head on your lap and her hands intertwined with yours. Occasionally, she steals a kiss from you and you reciprocate, but never initiate.

See, this is one thing that’s been holding you back. It would’ve been easy for you to lose control of yourself, but the fact that what you’re doing with her is wrong ruins everything that you believe as love. You know she does not belong to you.

And, as selfish as it sounds, you would do anything in your power to keep some part of her for yourself.

----------------------------------

You spend your afternoon resting on the couch, waiting for her to finish with her vocal lessons. In the middle of your nap, you hear the faint sounds of swing jazz, coming from Taeyeon’s room, and it lulls you even more to sleep. Soon, you hear sounds coming from the television, and you open your eyes to see who just switched it on.

“I hope you don’t mind if I watch T.V. ‘We’re a Fake Couple’ is starting soon,” Yoona grins at you.

“Yeah, sure.” You nonchalantly say while looking at the television. The sound of the television on lazy afternoons somehow made you feel better—sure, it made you drowsy, but it’s also the time when the two of you can spend the most time together, besides in bed. You start to lightly doze off until you hear the commercial break start.

“Man I swear, I don’t like that YongHwu guy. He’s so touchy with that girl that looks like Hyunnie.”

You loll your head and open your eyes again, watching Yoona crinkle her nose. You lightly chuckle at her; the fact that she doesn’t like the show and still watches it boggles you.

Just then, something about the show pops into your head.

“Hey Yoona…” you call her.

“Yeah?”

“Do you love Seohyun?”

She reluctantly looks at you, and you begin to doubt if she really was that Yoona you know so well.

“If I tell you yes, then it would be a lie,” she answers.

“Honestly, I’m not sure what this is I’m feeling. But if you are asking if I am attracted to her, then yes, I really am. I like the way she does these things and I love it when she smiles at me. Every time, after sex, the smile she gives would always seduce me. I just love everything she does. I think I want to keep her.”

You chuckle at what Yoona just said. You realize that she indeed wasn’t the Yoona you knew. Seohyun must’ve really done things to her.

“That’s good. Just take it easy on her, I mean, you know, you don’t want to wear her out every single night.”

“You absolutely have no idea who wears out who when we do it. She’s kinkier than me. Can you imagine that?” Yoona lets out a laugh.

“You’re lying.”

“Nope. Actually, we even tried so many things because she begged me to. Ropes, whips, handcuffs, blindfolds, sky’s the limit.”

“That’s insane. She looks so innocent.”

“Innocent my ass. She just does that so that you won’t get suspicious of her. But seriously, if you don’t believe me, then why did she act calmly when you went to our room to fix our A/C?”

Just as you open your mouth again to speak, the moment hits you, and you quickly decide to believe Yoona. Nothing could be more ridiculous than reality.

“Yeah I know. I couldn’t really believe it myself either.”

“Well, that just goes to show that the two of you are meant to be.”

“I guess.” She laughs and then eventually her laughter fades down. “Hey Yuri, I’m sorry about that text.”

You pause for a while as you think about the text she sent you a few days back. It pushed you to the edge where you assumed that Jessica really did that to Jaejoong to be with you. You know it wasn’t true, but it has given you another chance to be with Jessica. In a way, Yoona has brought her back in your life again.

“It’s okay.”

You give her your most sincere smile.

“Thanks for your help.”

----------------------

As days pass, you begin to notice that she has been spending more time with you than with Jaejoong. She ignores her phone when she is with you and often times, you hear her make up excuses after practice. You try to ignore what is happening, knowing that hoping too much would most likely disappoint you in the end.

Dance practice has finished and she has been next to you for the entire time. You see Jaejoong walking your way and you hear their conversation.

“Hey do you want to go to the mall today?”

When you hear nothing from her, you look at her from the corner of your eye and see a hint of trouble in her eyes.

Jaejoong then looks at you, completely unaware of the situation.

“Yuri? You want to come with us to the mall?”

You look at her again but she has already turned her back on you.

“Oppa, I’m going to change.”

“Alright.”

He turns to you, and you feel a pang of guilt as he gives you a smile.

“Well? Come on, it will be fun.”

You don’t know what’s going on, why he had to invite you to go along with them, but more than anything, you know that he shouldn’t have done that. Strangely, you still fall for it.

“Okay, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

---------------------

As you step inside the car, you overhear Jaejoong asking Jessica to take the backseat, too. The fact that Jaejoong was a famous celebrity meant that they cannot freely date, and that people shouldn’t see them together.

Jaejoong twists his mirror as he glances at her and you. After a few minutes, he finally starts the engine and drives away. You and Jessica both look outside the window. You then glance at Jaejoong, making sure that he isn’t looking at you, then you look at Jessica’s hand. When you find that it is just an inch away from you, you take it, and she does not let go.

What seemed to you as a short drive ends when you finally see the mall outside. She lets go of your hand as she opens the door and goes out to the mall entrance. Following her and Jaejoong would’ve been easy, but watching at her hand intertwined with someone else’s was enough to make your stomach lurch in a bad way.

You walk side by side with the couple and your hand lightly brushes against hers. Eventually you take it and you clasp it tight under your grasp. She does not resist, and you feel slightly nervous, knowing that her one hand holds Jaejoong’s and the other holds yours.

Eventually Jaejoong finds a store that he likes and he then proceeds to look for a shirt. When he heads for the mens’ dressing room, you pull her to somewhere secluded. You finally arrive near the women’s dressing rooms, and she is looking at you with fear in her eyes. You brush off a strand of hair from her face and you look at her slowly before you kiss her. You reckon the possibility that Jaejoong might catch you, but you kiss her anyway.

You want the doubt of her choosing you over Jaejoong to go away and she has done just that, as she deepens your kiss by wrapping her arms around your neck. You respond by holding her close to you, without any intention of letting go.

You have fallen too deep in loving her, and you become hopeful that she feels exactly the same way as you.

-------------------------

Again she lay beside you as she takes an afternoon nap, because she can never do so without you. She looks like a princess in your eyes, if she loses the worn out shirt and the shorts she is wearing and change into a gown of some sort. You can feel her breath, hear her soft hums of sleep—you know that she’s close to you, but you wonder why she’s somehow far from your heart. You move closer to her, as if she was a mirage that’s about to disappear anytime soon.

But she doesn’t disappear. When you take her hand and you kiss it, she gently wakes up from her nap and sees you smiling at her. You see her blush at you, giving you another hint that she will turn away from you. But instead of turning away, she kisses you. You close your eyes and kiss her back. You feel your heart pace up again, and you start to run and the restraint you knew so well as one of your strengths eventually crumbles down as she kisses you more. The only problem with it is that you think you’re drowning over and over again from the adrenaline pumping within you. You try to muster what remained of your strength to stop yourself from continuing. But unfortunately, she has lost herself in the stream of lust, carrying you with it, that there is no other way but to go forward.

She leads your hand to familiar places, wanting more of your touch. You kiss her again, this time more gently, in hopes to suppress the lust she is feeling for you. Instead you have set your own trap, building up lust for her. Your breathing hitches while the two of you continue. The desire to have her is igniting your body, just like the old times, and again you wonder when it’s going to stop.

You are back to where you used to be as you help each other out of your clothes and share hungry kisses in between. Her milky white body is beautiful, just as you remember it. As you go on top, she looks at you with such a needy expression, telling you to keep going. You hear her moan and feel her body heat up faster than usual the moment you kiss her neck and you give her a love bite. The way she squirms at your touch is enough to let you know that she wants this just as much as you do.

“Please…” she whispers to you as you make your way down on her. You nod before trailing kisses along her body. There’s no need for you to be told what to do, because what she wants is exactly what you want.

“Yuri…more.”

------------------------

A week has passed and the same routine follows. She makes excuses to dismiss herself from Jaejoong and she walks home with you, her hands in yours. Whenever you arrive at the dorm, she lets go of your hand for less than a minute and takes them again as she goes on top of you while shedding off her clothes. You are often seduced with the way she does it, and you become addicted to her gentle kisses. You always tend to intensify the kissing—to get as much of her as possible, for every chance you get.

The same routine looped for the past days.

One of the cold summer nights, you are lying on her bed with her sleeping soundly in your arms. You listen to the sound of crickets outside the cold summer night. You look at her and you give her a gentle kiss on her forehead that makes her shift her position. In a way, you have found your ideal ending for your relationship with her and you are glad that she is in your arms and not someone else’s.

However, in spite of what you've been through, you know too well that there is still that grey area between the two of you that only she can clear up.

--------------------

You go into the living room and you see Tiffany sitting next to Taeyeon while watching T.V., you decide to go to where they are but unknowingly they share a kiss that takes you aback. Tiffany’s hand is on Taeyeon’s collar while Taeyeon has her hand on the back of Tiffany’s head. Though you never would have expected it, you feel the love between them as they break off the kiss with a smile on both their faces. Eventually they take notice of you and they abruptly part ways.

You can see the two of them blush in front of you, with Tiffany looking down but still holding Taeyeon’s hand.

“Er—Hi. Yuri.” Taeyeon says while putting her hand around Tiffany’s at a more comfortable position.

“Hello.” You take a seat on the couch across them and you look at the program they are watching. Some two guys are dressed up as women complete with skirts and make up, frantically walking around a building to find the members of the same stupid girl group you’ve seen in a variety show previously. You continue to watch the show, as you understand that you do not want Tiffany or Taeyeon to feel uncomfortable around you.

“Yuri…” Taeyeon catches your attention, forcing you to turn to her. Tiffany is still looking down with her hand clasped tightly with Taeyeon’s and you give her your undivided attention.

“Yes?”

“Um, I don’t really know how to say this but…Tiffany and I have been dating for a while now. I’m sorry if I’ve kept this from all of you.” Taeyeon says while she caresses Tiffany’s face. “I hope you can accept us.”

You can see the sincerity in her as she tries to comfort the probably nervous girl.

“You’re too cute.” she whispers to Tiffany and you involuntarily smile at the couple. Tiffany gently slaps Taeyeon’s arm, protesting with a “Yah.”

Taeyeon then grins at you and you smile back to her.

“I’m happy for the two of you.” You confidentially say in exchange to her acceptance with your relationship with Jessica a few months back.

“Thank you.” Taeyeon tells you sincerely and you resume watching with them whispering in the background. You are happy for them and you reminisce at the old times that your relationship with Jessica was in the same condition.

Eventually the show ends and you wonder as to why funny variety shows in Korea always end with crying. You then see Tiffany stand up and look at Taeyeon.

“I’ll be in my room if you need me.” Tiffany tells Taeyeon and she shyly smiles at you.

“Okay.” Taeyeon replies to her and she rests her back against the couch to wait for the next show. “Are you not bothered with the whole thing about me and Tiffany?”

“I’m just surprised but no, I’m okay with the two of you dating.” You say while the two of you watch the commercial shown on T.V.. “I just wish things with me and Jessica would be better.”

“I thought you guys were back together?” She asks with a hint of surprise in her tone.

“Uhh…not exactly.”

Before she could give out a reply, you hear Tiffany’s voice in the background, calling for Taeyeon. She stands up and bows at you for an apology and you just smile at her.

After she leaves, you feel a sense of emptiness inside you as you miss Jessica again. She should be home a few minutes from now but you understand that your circumstances with her are different from Tiffany and Taeyeon’s. You feel more confused as to who she is to you, as you have now confessed your own relationship status to Taeyeon.

“I’m home.” She says while closing the door. She gives you a hug and you hug her tighter. All the confusion then gets lost in your thoughts as you welcome her lovingly in your arms again.

--------------------------------

You wake up with her still at your side. It is 8:00 A.M. and you are already too late for your jog. You stand up to brush your teeth before she wakes up and kisses you again but she has already taken your arm, preventing you from movement. Her hands on your shoulders and she bears an expression hungry for you. She lingers on your lower lip, gently nibbling on them as you feel your self-consciousness grow with the lack of your usual routine. Not feeling a response, she kisses you more and eventually you give in and retaliate back.

You know that you have that strength to resist her and keep her away from you early in the morning, but when her body presses onto yours, she takes away that restraint. At once, your hands have a mind and will of their own. You love the thrill of being with her as she is the only one that can send chills down your spine with every single move that she makes.

As you touch and caress all the familiar places of her body, you begin to think that you want her—need her—to be there by your side. No, you want more than her presence. You also want her heart.

“Jessica, what are we?” You finally ask. A question that has been bothering you ever since you have returned to her side has finally been unleashed from its confinements. The question strikes her harshly and she distances herself away, that it scares you. You grab her wrist, in an attempt to show your desperation for an answer and she avoids your gaze.

“Tell me…please.” You pull her close and all at once, her defenses loses that she becomes weak from your caress.

“I love you.” You tell her but you eventually let go as you see her unresponsive with you. “Jessica Jung, I love you. I really love you.”

“Yuri, I’m sorry. I can’t.” She whispers to you and you know that she is hurt with your inquiry and confession.

Instead of letting her walk away from you, you hold her close and she does not resist. She has been hurt from your mere question and you understand that this is because of her fear; fear of not being able to debut, fear of being judged, fear that would entail in such a relationship with you. She used Jaejoong as a shield to avoid her love interest with you but it has amounted into nothing as she found herself waking up next to you as frequent as the time that you were together. She tried to forget you but you know that it was easier said than done as you have tried to do the same. You love her so much, and you can only hope that she feels the same way.

“Jessica, will you accept my love?” Your naivety continues to triumph over you. As much as you want to accept the cruel reality of not being able to be with her, you are also hoping that she can give you answers that will assure you of having her as your possession.

She eventually sheds tears and you understand that you are being too optimistic in the midst of reality. A relationship with her will not work alongside a career in the public eye, as the world would watch your every move. You know that you cannot have the best of both worlds and that you must choose. Choose something that you have been working to achieve all your life, or choose her, who has become the reason of your existence.

“Let’s run away.” You claim your final proposal before your attempt of surrender. She breaks away from your hug and she looks you in the eyes. Confusion can be seen from her face that you cannot stand another moment of silence. “Let’s throw away everything and run away. We can be together. Let’s go away, away from all this.”

She becomes scared and you understand that this is not something that she wants. Your hand withdraws away from her face and you feel pain on your chest from what you are doing. You understand that your love for her has become selfish, and that it is becoming a constraint for you and her.

But still you patiently wait. Wait for a response of acceptance—or an explanation—or anything that may be able to clear up doubts of your relationship with her. You bite your lip and you look at her until tears start to cloud our vision.

Your tears flow freely from your eyes and once you feel the drops descend to your hand, you understand her answer.

She does not want you and she is choosing her dreams over you.

You feel hurt that you start to leave the bed.

“I’m ss—orry.” You say while you sprint to the door to cover up your humiliation.

Never have things been clearer to you.

You would trade your dreams to be with her and to keep your relationship alive. To love her freely, away from criticism and pain that you will experience after your debut. And away from any potential hardship that you may encounter as a celebrity.

You would give up your dreams, your talents, your time, your all. But you realize that this is not enough for her.

You are not enough for her.

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