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╰•★춤춰 나를 위해 영원히
깨진 거울 속 날 보며 발을 맞추지

아름다운 이 순간 난 멈추지 않아 봐
Woah, 다시 chaconne now

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彡im so sorry about how short this is TT

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Ni-ki remained silent, his mind racing with thoughts of his own. He glanced at Jake, who seemed to be lost in thought as well. He wondered if either of them were thinking about the same things he was: the what-ifs, the could-have-dones, the might-have-beens. He knew that they all felt a certain amount of responsibility for what had happened, even if it wasn't entirely their fault.

The waiting room slowly began to fill up with other people, friends and family members of the other patients in the hospital. They all seemed to sense the tension in the air, and their eyes kept drifting over to the group of six who sat together, waiting for news about their friend. Jungwon felt a weight settling onto his shoulders; he knew that he and the others would have to explain what had happened to Sunghoon, and he wasn't sure how they would find the words.

Heeseung left the room briefly to call their manager, who had been frantically trying to reach them since the accident. Once he was off the phone, he took a deep breath and turned to face the group. "Look, I know this is going to be hard to hear, but we need to tell everyone what happened." The others nodded in agreement.

Jungwon took a deep breath and began to speak. "Sunghoon hyung... he tried to take his own life last night," he said, his voice shaking. "He left us a note, and it was... it was really hard to read. He was in a lot of pain, and he didn't think he could go on." The room fell silent as the weight of his words settled over everyone, friends and family of Sunghoon alike.

"We didn't understand it at first," Heeseung continued, his voice raw with emotion. "We thought it was just a cry for help, but... we should have seen the signs. We should have known something was wrong." Sunoo began to sob quietly, burying his face in his hands. Ni-ki looked away, unable to meet anyone's gaze. Jay sat forward in his chair, his elbows resting on his knees. "We all feel responsible," he said, his voice steady. "But we need to focus on getting Sunghoon better now. We'll support him however we can, and we'll make sure he knows that he's never alone."

As the words hung in the air, Jungwon couldn't help but think about the long road ahead of them. There would be therapy, counseling, and a lifetime of trying to understand why Sunghoon had felt so hopeless. But they would face it together, as a family. Because that's what they were: a band, and a family. And nothing could ever break that bond.

Jay glanced over at Heeseung, who seemed to be lost in thought, his fingers absently twisting a strand of his hair. He wondered what was going through his mind, if he was feeling as overwhelmed as he was. Ni-ki was rubbing his eyes, trying to blink away the tears, while Jake sat with his head in his hands, deep in thought. And Sunoo... well, Sunoo was just a mess.

Jay couldn't help but feel a mix of emotions as he took it all in. There was guilt, of course, for not having seen the signs sooner. There was anger, at himself and at Sunghoon for letting it get this far. And there was fear, for the future of their band and their friendship. But most of all, there was a deep, aching sadness that threatened to consume him whole.

The waiting room was quiet, save for the occasional sniffle or rustle of clothing. The clock on the wall ticked loudly, the second hand seemingly stuck at the same spot, as if time itself had come to a standstill. Jungwon found himself staring at Sunghoon's sleeping form, willing him to wake up, to tell them everything would be okay. But even as he wished for that, he knew deep down that things would never be the same again.

Outside, the sun began to set, painting the sky in shades of pink and orange. Its warm glow cast a soft light through the window, bathing the waiting room in a peaceful, almost ethereal calm. Jungwon closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, trying to find some sort of inner peace amidst the chaos of his thoughts and feelings. They all knew that they could have, and should have, done more to help Sunghoon. But now it was too late for regrets. All they could do was move forward, together, and do whatever it took to make sure something like this never happened again.

As the minutes ticked by, Jungwon found himself lost in thought. He thought about the first time they'd met, the way Sunghoon had made him laugh when he was feeling down, the countless hours they'd spent practicing and writing music. He thought about the tour, and the way Sunghoon's voice had carried through the arenas, filling the air with their music. He thought about the future they'd dreamed of, and how they'd planned to conquer the world together.

But most of all, he thought about Sunghoon. He thought about the person he was beneath the fame and the glamour, the man who was hurting so deeply that he'd wanted to end his life. And he vowed, right then and there, that he would do everything in his power to make sure Sunghoon never felt that way again. He would be there for him, through thick and thin, and together, they would face whatever challenges lay ahead.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the door to the waiting room opened, and a nurse emerged, her expression somber. "He's awake," she said softly. "You can go see him now." The six of them exchanged nervous glances before rising to their feet, their hearts racing in their chests. As they followed the nurse down the hall, they clung to each other, finding solace in the familiarity of their touch.

The room was dimly lit, with a single bed in the center and a small nightstand next to it. Sunghoon lay there, his eyes still closed, his breathing shallow. Jungwon took a tentative step forward, his heart in his throat. He reached out and gently took Sunghoon's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Hey, it's me hyung." he whispered. "We're all here. We love you, and we're not going anywhere."

He saw Heeseung and Ni-ki move to sit on either side of the bed, while Jake and Sunoo stood nearby, their expressions a mix of concern and hope. Sunghoon's eyelids fluttered open, and he squinted against the light, his eyes red-rimmed and puffy. He tried to speak, but no words came out. Instead, he squeezed Jungwon's hand, the pressure tight enough to make him wince.

"It's okay, Sunghoon hyung," Jungwon said softly. "We're here for you. We'll get through this together." He glanced over at the others, and they all nodded in agreement, a united front against the darkness that had threatened to consume them all.

Slowly, Sunghoon's grip on Jungwon's hand loosened, and he allowed himself to lean back against the pillow. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to put us all through this." His voice was raw, full of pain and guilt.

Sunoo shook his head. "Don't apologize hyung," he said, his voice steady. "Just focus on getting better. We'll figure out the rest together, okay?"

Sunghoon managed a small nod, his eyes drifting shut again. He felt the weight of their presence in the room, and it was almost overwhelming. But at the same time, it was comforting. He knew that they would be there for him, no matter what.

The members watched him, each lost in their own thoughts. They had all been through so much together, and they knew that they would continue to face challenges in the future. But for now, they were simply grateful that Sunghoon was alive.

As the hours passed, the doctors allowed them to stay with Sunghoon, taking turns sitting by his bedside. They talked about anything and everything, trying to distract him from the pain and the weight of the world that he felt. They reminisced about their early days together, laughing at the memories of I-Land and their first tours. They discussed their hopes and dreams for the future, both as individuals and as a band.

Slowly, Sunghoon began to heal. His color returned, and his strength came back. But the scars that the experience had left on his soul were deeper than anyone could see. He struggled with guilt and self-doubt, wondering if he deserved the love and support that his friends and fans gave him. He found it hard to believe that they could possibly forgive him for what he had attempted to do. 

Jungwon could see the turmoil in his eyes, and he knew that they needed to have a serious talk about what had happened. But he also understood that Sunghoon wasn't ready yet. So, for now, they focused on the little things: sharing laughter, watching movies, and just being together. They took walks in the park, enjoying the fresh air and the sounds of nature. They ate dinner together, talking about mundane things like their favorite foods and the latest TV shows.

As the days turned into weeks, Sunghoon grew stronger, both physically and emotionally. He began to open up more, sharing his feelings with them, and they listened, offering comfort and understanding. They knew that the wounds he carried ran deep, and they were there for him every step of the way.

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One day, as they were sitting watching a movie, Sunghoon took a deep breath and Iturned to all of them. "I want to talk about what happened," he said, his voice steady. "I want to know if we can...move past it." They nodded, feeling a mixture of relief and apprehension. He knew that this conversation was long overdue, but he also wasn't sure how it would go.

They turned to him, movie forgotten, all attention focused on him. There was a few seconds of silence, each waiting for the other to speak. Then, Sunghoon opened his mouth and everything came pouring out in a rush.

"I- I'm not actually sure when it begin. I just began feeling like it one day... one day it just became too much. All of you- all you had someone to talk to- someone you could spend all day with- and I- I- just didn't have anyone. I guess thats when it started.

The members exchanged glances, full of worry and shame. 

"Hoonie?" said Heeseung gently. "What do you mean by that? All of us were ready make time for you.. all you had to do was ask.

Sunghoon snorted. "Are you serious hyung? Were all you that blind to everything?

-Flashback-

"Hyung! called Sunghoon brightly as Heeseung and Jay were pulling on their shoes, getting ready to leave the apparement.

"Yeah, Sunghoonie?" Jay said, a smile on his face.

"I just... I wanted to talk about something. With you both. I mean, just... talk." Sunghoon looked at them hopefully.

"Oh... well... we can do that anytime, can't we?" Jay said, already beginning to move.

"I'm kind of busy now, Sunghoonie. Can't it wait?" Heeseung added, not looking back as he followed Jay out the door.

Sunghoon's heart sank. He wanted to be angry, but he couldn't. He knew they were busy, and they had their own lives. He didn't want to be a burden. So, he just let it go, and he pushed his feelings down, trying to ignore them.

But the more he tried to ignore them, the stronger they became. It wasn't just about having someone to talk to. It was about feeling like he belonged. Like he was part of something bigger than himself. Like he mattered.

-End Flashback

-Flashback-

"Wonie? Where are you guys going?" Sunghoon asked gesturing to the three maknae's all dressed up to go outside.

"Oh hyung, we're going out for dinner and then to a club." said Sunoo, grinning.

"Aw, can I come with you guys?" Sunghoon asked, a small pout forming on his lips.

"Well hyung..." began Ni-ki, glancing at Sunghoon and then back at the others. "Actually, we were hoping to just have a maknae's night out. You know, just the three of us."

There was a brief silence as everyone exchanged awkward glances. They knew that Sunghoon probably felt left out sometimes, but they also needed their own time together. He was a part of the group, but he wasn't a maknae. He was older now, and they needed to spend time bonding without him sometimes.

"Well..." Sunghoon started, his voice small. "I understand. I just... I don't want to be in the way. You guys can do whatever you want." He forced a smile and turned away, pretending to be interested in something else.

-End Flashback.

-Flashback-

Sunghoon watched as Jake pulled on his shoes, also going out, seemingly alone. Hope ignited in his chest- maybe he could go out with Jake perhaps? 

"Hey Jake, um, I was just wondering if you were doing anything tonight. I'm not really in the mood to be by myself." He asked, trying to sound casual.

Jake looked up from his shoes, surprised. "Oh, uh... well, I was actually going out to meet with Chan hyung and Felix hyung. But if you want, you could come with us. We don't have much planned that you wouldn't be able to do." He smiled reassuringly, though Sunghoon could see it in his eyes, that Jake was hoping he'd decline.

"No, no, it's okay. You three should go have fun. I'll just stay here and... um, find something to do." Sunghoon said, trying to force a laugh. 

He didn't want to make things awkward for Jake, he understood that they had their own friendships outside the group. He knew all three of them were Aussies so they'd likely spend the day conversing in English. Sunghoon didn't know English or Chan or Felix from Stray Kids.

 He didn't want to intrude on their day together, knowing perfectly well that Jake only invited him because he felt bad for Sunghoon. He felt worse at the feeling of relief that spread across Jake's face. Sunghoon knew he was doing the right thing, but it still stung. He wanted to be wanted, to feel like he belonged. Instead, he felt like a burden. Like he was in the way of people enjoying their lives. He watched as Jake quickly said his goodbyes and left the room, and he couldn't help but feel a pang of envy.

-End Flashback-

-Flashback-

Sunghoon remembered the first time they'd all moved in together, back when they'd first debuted. It had been awkward at first, all of them trying to figure each other out, establish their own roles in the group. He'd always been the quiet one, content to watch from the sidelines, and they'd never quite known what to make of him. They'd thought he was aloof, maybe even a bit stuck-up. But over time, as they'd spent more time together, they'd come to realize that he was just as lost and lonely as the rest of them.

They'd become a family, in a sense. They'd cooked together, laughed together, cried together. They'd shared secrets and fears, dreams and ambitions. And through it all, Sunghoon had been there, a silent presence in the background. He'd listened, he'd cared, and sometimes, when they least expected it, he'd offered advice or comfort.

But now, it seemed like those days were gone. They'd all grown apart, pulled in different directions by their own lives and interests. Sunghoon couldn't help but feel like an afterthought, a relic of a time long past. He knew they still cared for him, but he could see the distance in their eyes, the way they avoided making plans with him. 

It hurt, more than he could ever admit.

He'd tried to reach out, to connect with them again. He'd invited them over for movie nights, cooked their favorite dishes, even offered to help them with chores. But it hadn't been enough. They'd accepted his gestures with polite smiles and well-meaning words, but he could tell they weren't genuine. They were just being nice.

Sunghoon had thought maybe it was his fault. Maybe he was just too much to handle, too needy or demanding. He'd tried to be more independent, to give.

Sighing, he walked further, just thinking of memories from I-Land and debut days, back when they were all still kids just newly debuted, just discovering the world of being an idol, and living together. He didn't know how long he walked, just thinking round and round again and again in the park, just thinking.

He finally registered the sun going down and night finally falling. He put his hand in his pocket, fishing out his phone. He looked at it, staring at the bright 8:14 on the screen, noticing the lack of phone calls or texts. Usually, he'd get about fifteen texts from Heeseung alone, had the elder not seen him for simply one hour. He swiped up to look at the settings, wondering if he'd actually put his phone on Do Not Disturb. He hadn't. 

-Sighing, he pushed himself off the wall he'd been leaning on and started to walk back to the dorm. As he neared the entrance, he could hear the faint sounds of laughter coming from inside. His heart skipped a beat, hoping that they were laughing at something he'd said to them previously, that maybe they hadn't forgotten about him.

 But as he stepped into the room, the familiar sight of everyone sitting at the dining table, laughing and eating, was replaced with a sense of emptiness. He hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should interrupt them. They were enjoying their time together, and he didn't want to ruin it.

 But then he noticed that they hadn't waited for him, nor was there any food left. The cooking vessels were all in the sink, as if they'd given up on him and decided to eat without him. A lump formed in his throat as he forced a smile and walked over to the table.

"Hey guys," he said, trying to sound cheerful. "Looks like I missed out on dinner."

No one looked up from their food or conversations. They didn't even acknowledge him. It was as if he weren't even there. A sharp pain stabbed at his heart, but he forced a smile, trying not to let it show. He sat down at the empty spot at the table, feeling more alone than ever.

"Oh, hey Sunghoon," Heeseung said finally, glancing up from his plate. "We thought you must've gone to bed already." (So they hadn't even checked?) His voice was filled with concern, but it was clear he was also trying to be polite. Sunghoon forced a smile. 

"No, I just needed some time to myself." He reached for a napkin, dabbing at his mouth. "I'm sorry if I kept anyone waiting."

There was an awkward silence that followed. No one seemed to know how to respond. Sunghoon felt a lump forming in his throat as he fought back tears. He knew they didn't mean to hurt him, but it was hard not to feel the distance between them. 

Finally, Heeseung cleared his throat and said, "Hey, don't take it the wrong way. We were just enjoying our time together, you know? We didn't mean to leave you out." His words were gentle, but they only served to further Sunghoon's heartache. 

"It's okay," Sunghoon replied, forcing a smile. "I'm glad you guys are having fun." He reached for his phone, pretending to scroll through his feed, anything to avoid making eye contact with them. "I'm going to bed now, I'm a bit tired. Night." 

No one responded.

He lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, feeling the weight of their words press down on his chest. It wasn't fair. They had no idea how lonely he felt, how much he missed being a part of their group. They didn't seem to care about him anymore, and it hurt more than anything. Tears streamed down his face as he thought about all the memories they'd shared: the late-night conversations, the silly arguments, the inside jokes. It all felt like it was slipping away from him. He wished he could go back to when things were different, when they were all still friends.

But he knew that was impossible. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that they had all changed. They had grown apart, and now they were just strangers who happened to share a dorm room. He could feel himself withdrawing further and further, like a tide receding from the shore.

It felt like some thing was crushing him, obstructing his pipeline, making it impossible for him to breathe. It felt like something was squeezing him from the inside, crushing his lungs, stopping him from taking a breath. It all felt so congested, like there wasn't enough space in his body to hold all of the emotions that he was feeling. And he couldn't exactly let them out either because he didn't know how to. He felt claustrophobic, like he was curling in a small space, too small to even move. He felt like he would burst; he wanted to cry and scream, throw something, anything- he just wanted to let it all out. But he couldn't. It hurt and it hurt badly. He wished he knew what to do, he wished he had someone to talk to. But he didn't. He was alone and thats how ti was going to stay.

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One day, during a particularly bad argument, he snapped. He couldn't take it anymore: the feeling of being left out, of not being good enough. He lashed out at them, hurling insults and accusations. They looked at him like he was a stranger, like they didn't know who he was or why he was there. And in that moment, he realized that maybe they were right. Maybe he didn't belong.

So he decided to prove it to them. He would show them just how little he cared about their company, about their approval. He would become the very thing they seemed to want him to be: someone they could ignore, someone they could push aside. At first, it was easy. He could feign indifference when they would talk about their days, their ideas for choreographies and songs, their friends.

He could pretend not to notice the looks they would give him, the way they would stop including him in their conversations. He could laugh along with them when they made jokes at his expense, as if it were all just a game. But the longer he pretended, the harder it became. The ache in his heart grew, and the loneliness became almost unbearable. 

He found himself thinking about them constantly, wondering if they were really as happy as they seemed without him. He would lie awake at night, imagining them all laughing together, their heads thrown back in gales of laughter, their voices echoing through the empty halls of the dormitory.

He began to notice other things, too: the way they would touch each other when they thought he wasn't looking, the little smiles they would share across the room. It was like they had a whole language of gestures and expressions that he had never been a part of, and it made him feel even more alone. He tried to distract himself with hobbies, with friends from other groups, but nothing seemed to fill the void that they had left.

That was the first time Sunghoon cut himself, trying to obtain some sort of relief from the emotional turmoil inside him. He had never been good at expressing his feelings, and the pain seemed to be a more tangible manifestation of his anguish. At first, it was just a tiny scratch, barely visible, but over time, it became a coping mechanism, a way for him to feel something other than the hollowness that consumed him.

As the days turned into weeks, his wounds became more severe. He would hide them from his friends and members, using long sleeves and loose clothing to conceal the evidence of his self-harm. But the marks on his skin were a constant reminder of his pain, a physical manifestation of the emotional isolation that had become his reality. Sunghoon began to withdraw even further, spending more time alone in his room, lost in a haze of music and books. He avoided eye contact with his former friends, feeling a mixture of anger and shame every time he saw them together, laughing and sharing stories without him. The weight of their betrayal was crushing, and he didn't know how much longer he could bear it.

-End Flashback-

As Sunghoon finished recounting all of these incidents, he registered the fact that there were tears on his face. He looked down unable to look at their faces.

As Sunghoon finished recounting all of these incidents, he registered the fact that there were tears on his face. He looked down unable to look at their faces.

"I'm sorry," he managed to choke out. "I didn't mean to-"

"No." said Heeseung so vehemently that Sunghoon was taken by surprise. He looked up and noticed tear tracks on all of their faces, even Jay who rarely cried.

"No," Heeseung repeated, "you didn't do anything wrong. We were the ones who pushed you away. We didn't understand, we were selfish, and we were cruel. You were just being yourself, and we couldn't handle it. We should have been there for you, we should have supported you, but we didn't. We failed you as friends."

Jake wiped his face with the back of his hand, sniffling. "And look where it got us. We lost you. You're the one who's suffering, and we're the ones who are miserable because we drove you away."

Sunghoon looked up at him, surprised. "You don't have to say that," he whispered. "I understand why you did it. I just wish..." He trailed off, unable to finish the thought.

"We all wish things were different hyung," said Sunoo softly, taking Sunghoon's hand in his. "But we can't change the past. All we can do is move forward and try to be better friends to you now."As they sat there in silence, the weight of their words hung heavily in the air. It was as if a invisible veil had been lifted, and for the first time in years, they were truly seeing each other.

 Seeing the pain and anguish that Sunghoon had been going through, and realizing just how much they had hurt him.

Jay finally found his voice. "I think... I think we all need to apologize to you, Sunghoon. Not just me, but all of us. For being so cruel, for pushing you away, for not understanding what you were going through. We should have been there for you, and we failed you miserably." His voice was thick with emotion, and tears threatened to spill down his cheeks.

Sunghoon looked up at Jay, surprised by the sincerity in his voice. "I-I don't know what to say," he stammered. "It's not just your fault. We were all to blame." He sniffled, trying to hold back his own tears.

Heeseung placed a hand on Sunghoon's shoulder, his grip firm but reassuring. "No, Sunghoon. You're right. We all pushed you too hard, we all contributed to it in our own ways. We were all selfish and cruel. We should have been better friends to you."

Ni-ki nodded in agreement, his voice barely above a whisper. "We should have been there for you hyung. We should have understood. We should have been able to see past our own problems and see how much pain you were in."

Sunoo squeezed Sunghoon's hand, tears streaming down his face. "We're so sorry, Sunghoon. We didn't know what we were doing. We didn't mean to hurt you."

Jungwon reached over and dabbed at his hyung's tears with his thumb. "I know it's hard, but I promise you, we're here for you now. We're not going to push you away again. We're going to help you through this, okay?"

Sunghoon looked up at Jungwon, his eyes red and puffy. "Okay," he whispered, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Thank you."

They sat in silence for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts. The weight of their confessions hung heavy in the air, but there was also a newfound sense of hope. A hope that they could begin to mend their friendship, that they could move forward together.

Sunghoon wiped his nose on his sleeve, sniffling. "I just wish I could go back and change things," he said softly. "I wish I could have been stronger, or at least told someone what was going on. But I was so scared and alone."

Jake nodded, his expression understanding. "I know how that feels. I felt that way too when I was going through my own stuff. But now we're here, and we can help each other. We can support each other and be there for each other."

He glanced at the others, who nodded in agreement. "We're not going to let you go through this alone, Sunghoon. We're here for you now, and we're going to make sure you get the help you need."

Jay reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. "I brought this for you. It's a list of resources, hotlines, and therapists who specialize in helping people with depression and suicidal thoughts. I found it online, and I thought it might be useful."

Sunghoon took the box from Jay, feeling a mix of gratitude and hope swell up inside him. "Thank you, Jay. I appreciate it." He looked up at his friends, their faces now etched with concern and care. "I'm going to use this," he promised, "and I'm going to get better."

As they sat together in silence once more, Sunghoon felt a sense of peace wash over him. It was as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and for the first time in a long while, he felt truly seen and understood. The others didn't say anything, but their presence alone was enough to make him feel less alone.

──── ❈

彡i think i put a little too much of myself into sunghoons character lmao

彡i write as a way of venting and my emotions come out thru this, and im still not able to express them properly. 

彡talk about complicated feelings