Niki feels an unexplainable loneliness, which makes small things feel unbearable. What will he have to do to be able to feel like himself again?

-

The last text he sent remained unread. He'd sent it half an hour ago, and still he was watching the screen and waiting for a response. He knew that they should have been out of class, why was there no response? Had he done something wrong?

The apartment was quiet - and cold despite the fact that they had heating - and it was making the world seem like it was spinning slower than usual. Everything felt dream-like with no one to ground his thoughts, letting him float away into oblivion no matter how hard he fought back.

After checking the screen of his phone one last time, he placed it down beside him and leaned against the headboard of his unkempt bed. Sighing, he closed his eyes and exhaled a cold breath that resembled the cold breeze that swept up all other noise or warmth in the apartment. His entire world had been reduced to ambience.

Sitting and feeling sorry for himself wasn't going to do any good though, and he stood up with reluctance and brought himself out of his room, plodding to the kitchen. His stomach felt empty but he wasn't hungry, so he put the kettle on and decided to make himself some tea. Tea is supposed to be soothing, so he had a flicker of hope that it would make him feel at peace in some way.

It took him a moment to notice that the kettle had boiled, and he made his tea slowly but with little patience. He felt like he was trapped in a game without a running mode, instead just having to trail behind at an unsatisfactory pace without knowing the real goal. He finished the tea and took himself to the living room, where he sat among a mass of blankets and placed his mug of tea on the coffee table as he picked up the TV remote.

When he turned on the TV, he changed the channel and squinted as the screen blared brightly. He flicked through channels but none seemed to appeal to him. Usually, a few of them would interest him but instead he switched to Netflix and scrolled through the movies and TV shows, unimpressed as everything seemed boring to him now. Why was he so picky?

He put on an anime and drank his tea, but all that it did was warm him up slightly. He still felt cold, and his head hurt with the thoughts that swirled around in his mind. Everything was either painful or numb, including his heart.

Giving up on Netflix, he put his empty mug down on the coffee table and paused the show, heading to his bedroom with a blanket from the sofa. Too many thoughts surrounded him as he lay in bed and tried to fall asleep, his mind active and set on not letting him get a moment of rest.

Niki's eyes felt tired, his body felt exhausted, but there was nothing he could do about it except wait. His nerves were on fire with impatience and frustration, and he pulled the blanket over his head and shut his eyes tighter.

Why was sleeping so difficult to do?

He always managed to sleep when he wasn't supposed to, so why not now? A blanket over him, eyes closed and body tired, what was stopping him?

He sat up, a dizzy wave hitting him for a moment as he did so. Reaching over to the bedside table, he grabbed his phone and turned it on, taking the earphones from the pocket of his hoodie. He put them in his ears and plugged the end in, pressing play on his playlist.

Music usually helped him, whether he was trying to sleep or just calm himself in general, music always managed to sooth him enough to at least settle some of the thoughts in his mind. But no, of course not this time. This time was different.

If he knew why he felt so bad, maybe he could fix it, but all he felt was an irreparable loneliness. There was no one inside the apartment except himself, and it felt more like a self-established prison than a home. It was like he was being held captive in his own mind.

He yanked his earphones out and dropped them onto the bed. He lifted his hand to throw his phone across the room, but then he stopped. He was just being childish, completely and utterly childish. His phone dropped out of his hand and he slumped onto his bed, curling up as tears formed in his eyes again.

-

If there was no one in the apartment, Niki decided, he would go where people are. He already had his hoodie on so he slipped on some shoes and left the apartment, locking the door behind him. The corridor in the apartment was empty, like it had been abandoned in an apocalypse. Everything was eerily quiet, quiet enough for him to feel anxious listening to his own heartbeat.

Niki squinted as soon he left the apartment block, the sun blaring in his eyes but it didn't cast much warmth over him. He navigated the barely occupied streets until he reached a park, where he sat on a bench to give his legs a rest for a moment.

All around him he saw people, only a few but they were definitely there. There were groups of friends, there were couples and there was a father and son in the playpark nearby. Niki wished he could be a child again. Why had he wished his childhood away so quickly, in search of the responsibility that he would have to bear for the rest of his life anyway?

And then the rain began, first just droplets but then it began to pour, and he decided it was time to go home. Seeing people wasn't making him feel less lonely, it was just making him feel more insignificant. He shoved his cold hands in his pockets and began to walk back to the apartment block.

He seemed to have just escaped the worst of the rain, and part of him wanted to just stand in the rain but he knew that it would make him more cold and possibly sick. Instead he rushed inside the apartment block and ascended the stairs, his legs feeling exhausted just from the short walk.

Once inside his apartment, the temperature wasn't much different. It was still unusually cold, and all he felt was more empty. His stomach ached because he hadn't eaten, his head ached from a lack of sleep and his skin was unbearably cold. And it was all his own doing.

Sulking in a pool of woe and self-pity, he took off his shoes and lay down on the sofa, his hoodie still wet from the walk. He felt horrible. He felt disgusted at himself, and angry at the world around him. But what could he do about it?

He cried. It definitely wasn't the first time that day, and it wouldn't be the last either. He cried until his shoulder shook with every sob, and his chest hurt from forcing himself to breathe properly. He wrapped his arms around himself as his tears sunk into the remaining blanket on the sofa, and his self-shame clung to him like a second skin.

Maybe it will go away, he thought. If he cried enough, the pain would disappear. It had to at some point, he couldn't live his whole life like this. Would he live his life like this? Could he die of crying too much?

The crying gave him hiccups, which only made his sobbing worse. He felt like his body had made it impossible to breathe, like it was forcing him to give up. But give up on what? Crying wasn't exactly a bad thing to give up on, but it wasn't like he could help it anyway. His body aches with the urge to sleep, and his mind was at last beginning to give in to fatigue.

Crying had finally exhausted him, stretching out the last of his energy until there was nothing left of him. Slowly, but surely, he fell asleep.

-

The sound of the door opening pulled him out of his thoughts. In his sleepy haze he was about to get angry, but he realised what the opening of the door meant.

Someone was home.

Or, alternatively, he was about to be murdered, which he wouldn't mind either with the persistent ache in his bones.

But if his roommate was home, what would they think if they saw him looking so pathetic on the sofa, having just woken up from a pity-induced sleep? He felt the urge to run out of sight and hide in his room, but he also just wanted someone to hug. But could he risk being judged and making his day even worse that it already was.

He couldn't decide. So he cried. He hated crying by now, it was the bane of his existence but it felt like it was the only thing that made up his existence. Niki, the boy who cried himself to the point of death. He wouldn't like to own that title.

But here he was. He covered his eyes with his hands, unable to bring himself to look at his roommate when they saw him. He leaned down and buried his face in his knees, his chest beginning to hurt again. Why was he like this?

But then he felt a hand on his back, a warm hand at that, rubbing gentle circles into it that slowly allowed some of the built-up stress to release itself. He was almost soothed to sleep, but he sat up properly and wiped his eyes, another round of tears coming anyway.

Sunoo sat next to him, and he felt the older boy's arms around his waist. He gently pulled him onto his lap and kept Niki secure against his chest, his hand running through the younger's hair and his other arm around Niki's waist as he grabbed Niki's hand to hold it tightly.

Niki, for the first time that day, felt better. He didn't feel good, that was a while away, but he felt better which was a massive improvement from the downwards spiral that he had been stuck in all day.

"What's up, Niki?" Sunoo asked softly, resting his chin on Niki's shoulder as he played with tufts of his hair. Niki shrugged, looking down at his own lap with shame. He couldn't tell Sunoo that he was pretty much crying for nothing, but could he even lie to him either?

He shook his head, and Sunoo didn't push any further. Instead he took him to his bed, bringing the blanket with them that Niki had grown so attached to. He helped Niki into bed and took his half-wey hoodie off him and gave him a warm and dry jumper instead.

"You can sleep now, okay? And then we can sort all of this out in the morning," Sunoo suggested, a sad but reassuring smile on his face. Niki almost did just as he said, but a feeling in his gut told him otherwise.

"But hyung, I don't want to wake up feeling like this tomorrow," Niki frowned, sitting up again as he wrapped his arms around himself. Sunoo almost rolled his eyes, smiling at the cuteness of the younger boy.

"Then we'll sort it out now, okay?"

-

There was more cuddling than conversation, really, but it made Niki feel better. Sunoo was indeed the master of comforting.

He had his arms around Niki as he showered the boy with affection as if he was his own son. He rocked him side to side gently, and planted a kiss on Niki's cheek that made him giggle quietly.

"I'm always here for you, okay? Even if I'm not actually present, you can always come and find me. I just want to see you happy, it hurts me to see you crying like that."

Niki nodded, sinking deeper into Sunoo's hold as he shut his eyes, feeling sleepier and more relaxed for every moment that passed. Maybe another human's comfort was all that he needed, and Sunoo's comfort in particular was something that never ceased to make him feel better. There was something special about Sunoo and the way he treated him.

--

Lmao the starting summaries are getting shorter.

You know when I said I would proof-read that Jay chapter? Yeah... I didn't. And not the Jake one either. Or this one. So if you spot something off, I won't mind if you tell me!

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this one :) Jungwon is next