Rufaidah sat in her office after a long day at a refugee camp going through her old diary which is filled up with mostly poems she wrote in her darkest days at night when she feels so alone that loneliness suffocates her. She wiped a stray tear, grief engulfing her whole being. She is grateful for those days because they've shaped her into what she is today, they made her strong and thankful for what she have now. Al'amin stays at home in bed or in the study reading books, saying he is glad to have a break to read something other than contract agreements and sketches and what not. Rufaidah will laugh at his childish enthusiasm knowing that he miss doing what he knows how to do best and can't wait to get back to work which will be soon in shaa Allah.

She kept the diary aside debating on going home or staying till closing hour. She decided on the former bringing out her laptop from it's bag to write a report. Immersed in work with her phone plugged to charge, Rufaidah didn't notice the barrage of notifications lighting up her screen because the phone is on silence as she continued typing her report oblivious of the world around her.

After an hour and a half, she stood up to offer her asr salah before heading home. A knock stopped her mid stride towards the toilet.

"Hey sis! Got a minute?" Shams nervously asked, looking tired.

"Of course! Come in B. Hope all is well? You look beat" she observed.

Shams bobbed his head before saying " I've been calling you but you didn't pick, so many message left unread so I thought you're mad at me or something" he babbled.

"Why will I be mad at you bro? Am totally confused right now. Tell me please"

" I guessed you haven't seen any of my texts then. Our brothers are back, I picked them from the airport with their family. So I sent you a text inviting you home for dinner"  He looked down, not wanting to see her expression.

"Oh cool, they are highly welcome home. Extend my regards to them. I can't come for dinner or anything that has to do with meeting them. I only have one brother who's right in front of me. As far as I'm concerned, I don't know them neither do I want to. Have a great night B" the loud bang coming from the toilet door resonates the office.

Shams punched the air, knowing that Rufaidah will definitely give him a hard time. He decided to call her husband but decided against it.

Rufaidah prayed with a trembling body, trying hard to keep herself from breaking down. She don't know how Shams manage to act strong all the time but she cannot, she can forgive her brothers for abandoning them but she can't forget. It's too painful to let go, even if she's happily married to the love of her life.

She managed to reach home in one piece. She didn't notice the beautiful decor in the living room, neither the delicious aroma wafting through the house, she was blinded with rage, seeking for respite in anything she can get. She's so mad she forgot to keep repeating innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun istighfar and isti'adha. Al'amin was in the kitchen, cooking and counting the minutes his Noor will be home. He specially miss her during the day and wanted to do something romantic for her. He heard the sound of the door closing and saw her rush into the bedroom shaking.

He quickly turned off the gas and rushed behind her. He found her crouched on the floor gasping for breath. She let out a loud shrill that startled him before she started banging her head on the wall. Al'amin caught her wrist, trying to calm her but she is out of control. She wrestled herself out of his embrace and continue hitting her head on the wall. Al'amin had never seen something like that before, he has never witnessed her anger this intense. He was finally able to calm her as she clung to him crying so hard. There is an ugly gash on her forehead with blood spoiling his shirt but he didn't mind. He let her cry until it turned to hiccups before he lay her in bed to fetch the first aid kit to dress her wound. Rufaidah refused to meet his eyes as he gently clean the gash and used a band aid to close it. She refused to look at him as he gently took her to the bathroom to
bathe her. He dressed her, changed the soil sheets before feeding her. He gave her some painkillers and tucked her in.

In desperation to know what happened, Al'amin unlocked her phone and read all the messages sent to her by her parents and brother and he couldn't help himself but get angry at all of them. They should leave the poor woman alone, if she's not ready to meet her brothers whom he can vaguely remember because it has been so long then so be it. He started connecting the dots from when Reedah will come home with uniform stained with blood or bloodied hands and refuse to tell them how she got it. He pitied his wife and what she has been silently going through. He's sure not even her parents know about this side of her and he wondered how many episodes she'd had and who helped her calm down not knowing that she hits her head to unconsciousness every time it happens.

Rufaidah didn't want to sleep, she wanted to apologize to her husband, tell him she's not crazy, that she have no idea how anger consumes her to hurt herself but the painkillers are kicking in by the second, making her weaker until she succumbed to the darkness.

Al'amin didn't want to interrupt her peaceful slumber but it's already past 12am and she hasn't prayed maghrib and ishaa so he had no choice than to wake her

"Noor" he whispered, gently tapping her torso. She stirred, mumbled incoherently and turned.

"Noor habibty wake up and pray" he shake her, with a little force.

"I'll pour a bucketful of water" he warned but she didn't even stir.
At a loss for what to do, he kissed her forehead gently tracing her cornrows. That did the trick and she slowly opened her puffy red eyes fixing them on him. He smiled lovingly at her before saying she should get up and pray it's past midnight.

"Yahsalam! How did I sleep that long?" She groggily exclaimed, putting her cap back on climbing down from the bed.

He waited for her to say her prayers and adhkars silently on a couch with a thoughtful expression.

"Are you done?" He asked as she folded the mat.

"Yes" she replied.

"Come sit with me babe" he motioned for his lap and she did.
Instead of asking her what happened, Al'amin surprised her by saying "Are you okay now? Does your head ache? Do you need something?"

Rufaidah felt her heart swell at his questions, knowing that she is indeed lucky to have her Maalik as a husband. He's just as kind as his sister, reminding her of the days she took care of her the exact same way he did.

"I am fine thank you"She forced a smile.

"You don't have to be ashamed of anything babe, we are one and we are in everything together from now till eternity in shaa Allah. I understand if you don't want to talk about it even though I'd love to share your pain with you. It's okay to have a flaw, it's okay to not be able to be strong sometimes. It's okay to break down once in a while babe. Don't hide from me, I am your husband, one who loves you with every fibre of his being despite everything you've been through. I love you Noor"  he draw her closer to him, taking a whiff of her scent.

A few minutes passed, as they sit there relishing each other's warmth each having different thoughts in mind. Rufaidah stood up from his lap and opened her bedside drawer, fishing out her journal.

"I wanted to show you this on our anniversary, spoken words can't portray what I've gone through, so I hope this will help you to understand. I am not ashamed of who I was with you, I know that you will accept me in whatever situation I find myself in, I'm scared that you'll think am a monster, who can't keep her emotions at bay and fear having children with me in case I hurt them" she handed him the book and walk out to fetch a jug filled with coconut drink from the fridge.

As Al'amin flipped through the pages he realized that they didn't know half of what Rufaidah went through. His sister knows a lot but not much to cause alarm. He absently held the cup she offered as she busied herself looking for something to keep her from looking at him as he go through her worst and best memories.

Al'amin couldn't sleep after going through the gruesome heart wrenching roller coaster ride that happened to be the life of his wife. He can't believe she is standing right there with him, loving him, supporting him and trying so hard to change for the better, to please Allah and be the best version of herself. He has always known her parents are the worst kind of people, people who neglect their kids in search for temporal luxury of the world. He hadn't known that she was almost raped back then, never knew she had sleepless nights and had tried to take her own life many times.

He watched her quietly as she sleep in a curled up position on the mat. His wife is a fighter and he's not going to let anyone hurt her. If she don't want to meet her brothers, then so be it, he will not force her and not even her parents will make him do so.

He went out for fresh air and to clear his head around 8am. His thoughts are jumbled and chaotic. Her words keep clouding his head. He will have to do something about her family and she will have to start consulting a therapist.

He went back to a fully dressed Rufaidah arranging breakfast on the table and his heart shattered into more pieces.

_________________________________________

I'm sorry guys. Totally not into writing anything. Had a busy week and life happens uno. Kuku manage this Kay ?

Shukran Jazeel.