Dear Lauren,

I'm scared.

I'm in a dark room with a window facing the street. I want to turn on the light but don't at the same time.

I was talking to someone about how we're going back to school in a few days. Not you, though. I'm so sorry.

Minutes later, I remembered a video I watched about a week ago. It was a PSA someone was reacting to.

It started off with kids showing off all the stuff they got for school before slowly turning into all of the supplies being used in a school shooting.

It reminded me of Jaylee's house when it was shot at. I don't think I'll ever be able to get the sounds of the gunshots out of my head. It was a miracle no one was injured or worse. I think it's safe to say that 3rd grade was a horrible year.

I remember huddling in the bathroom with my brother in case our house was next. As much as I want, I think that might be something I'll be able to forget, as much as I want.

The next thing that came to mind was that one episode in that show my mom watched that I'd occasionally spy on, or we'd watch together. It was when that girl came to see the therapist at the hospital after a shooting happened at her school and her best friend died.

Turns out it was just a drill that gave the whole school PTSD and caused them to need therapy. The girl's friend with a bullet wound in her head was act part of her imagination as she heard the gun go off and her friend fall to the floor. It was an act. A horrible, horrible act.

After that, memories of the school shooting video I was forced to watch last year came flooding back. I hated every second of it, every second of where I saw people die. Despite how morbid I am, I still feel grief for them.

Next comes The Shape Of Thunder. It's a great book, but it's not for me. It's still so sad how her brother brought a gun to school and killed his teachers and fellow students. Sometimes it's too much for me.

And then I think of The Canyon's Edge. All those people who died in the restaurant shooting, including Señora Martina and the mom. I know all of these are fiction, but it's still terrifying to think about.

I know I don't have it as bad as some places, where they just get on with their day after a death, but I don't live in places like that. It might make me weak, but I don't think I can handle all of that. The truth is though, that as tough as I like to act, I can't handle seeing scenes that are too bloody. I wish I weren't so squeamish.

Sometimes I wonder if it was a bullet that stopped your heart, and it just makes shootings so much more terrifying. Maybe I'll be able to find out soon. My lungs have been seizing up a lot today, we might have a repeat of Christmas in 6th grade where I could barely breathe.

I'm thinking of asking to see a therapist, but I'm worried about the cost and how much stress it'll cause my parents.

Maybe I'll just go with you instead. I don't think I could take this much pain for much longer, mentally and physically.

Everything hurts, please make it go away.

You know, school starts in just 9 days. I wish you could come with me.