I gently closed the door and went back into my room. Still amazed, I placed my sweaty palms on my chest and I could feel the heartbeat racing through me.

"Oh God! Noah is going to kill me. How would I ever tell him about Collins?" Confusion struck me as I placed his helmet into an old empty carton in the corner of my room. This way, Collins won't know.

"What are you hiding there?" A baritone voice brought me out of ecstasy.

My eyes raised to my uncle's cold blue eyes that froze my soul.

The sweat hanging unto the nape of my neck dropped to my back and lingered down the middle of my butt. I just swallow hard at his tall figure in front of me.

"Emmm...  I was put...ting in some old books." I managed to say, wonder v when he actually entered. I'm pretty sure he wasn't in when I got in.

"Better. And why haven't you prepared lunch?"

"Um... I'm just entering. I'll make pasta."

"Can't you cook something different?"

"There's a little noodles left."

"It's good to know you're finally putting that empty brain of yours into use. I saw a boy with black hair coming from this direction. Was he from here?"

"A b...Boy?" my mind went blank.

"Yes, a boy. A beautiful boy on a black motorbike. I have a feeling he cane from here."

"No, I don't know any boy. I didn't see anyone either. " I lied. "He must be from the neighborhood."

"Okay, come downstairs right away before I throw you down myself! Take this and get me more noodles, ten packs of cigarettes and twelve bottles of beers! Be fast about it, we've got no time!" He yelled at me and threw ten dollars on me.

"A..re we having any guests?"

"What a dumb question?! Are you a newbie in this house or what?!! The gang are comes for hangout by 6:00 p.m,  remember! It's Friday night. Plus we're distributing our new drugs today!"

"Oh, it's Friday." I picked up the cash and shuffled it into my side pocket.

"Just get lost and be fast about it!"  He outraged at me and added. "If a bottle breaks you'll suffer the consequence, Syl!"

"Okay sir!" my voice echoed around the room while I rushed out with blighted hope.

Northie meowed softly as she saw me. Instead of rushing after me as usual, she stared at me with a weird look. As if she haven't eaten for years. I went closer to pat her softly at the back. She ignored me completely, still sitting in the same position. A worrisome look spread on my face as I scratched her back once again but she didn't move.

"Are you still there?!" Collins busted the front door wide open and I just disappeared from his presence.

'Something must be wrong with Northie. She never ignored me like this. She use to be a very good cat. Was it because of Noah?' I wondered. But she was very friendly with Amber.

Whatever.

I got to Tobi's gigantic store. He was sitting in his usual position while one of his new employee, Dylan was helping out with a customer' s shopping.

"Hello Tobi." I started with a pleasant greeting.

"Sylvie! It's been a while...How have you been?" Concern laced his face.

"Fine, sir. I looked at him, trying to explain why I haven't been able to come to work but everything felt different. Like Northie, I just ignored.

"I understand you're always busy with studies and house chores, but please. Don't quit this job yet. I'm so much in need of a trustworthy person like you. " his dark eyes begged mine.

Tobi is very kind. Unlike other employers that would fire their workers on spot and some might even maltreat them. Tobi in the other hand begs me. Plus, he pays and feeds me well. Truth being told, I only enjoy working with him during holidays, in order to save for food and books, sometimes. But while I worked every month end, Collins asks for the payment and lavish it on his drinks and drug business, leaving me with almost nothing left in my pocket. There are days when I take out of the money and he starts asking where the balance is. He surely knows I receive $50 pay every month. Working for Tobi is the best but with my uncle on my side, I feel... Threatened.

"I'll find time. " My lips finally quivered the words. I'd love to buy noodles, twelve bottles of beer, ten packs of cigarettes. Looking up at Tobi, I noticed his chapped lips were pressed together. As if he wanted to say something but didn't know how to say it.

"Is everything alright, sir?" I pulled closer.

Vertical wrinkles formed on his forehead. He looked at me with a rather defeated look. "Yes, sure."

Toni then opened the drawer in front if him and brought out some cash. He counted it and handed it over to me.

"W...What is this for?" I asked in astonishment. "You've already paid me."

"Just take this. Collins came the other day saying I don't pay you in full. He complained about $10 being deducted so I doubled it for you. Here's $20 extra. Just in case you need to tell me something, I'd be more than happy to help."

Watching him, I couldn't help but to think he knows the truth somehow. As if he noticed something strange from Collins and wanted to hear from me first but I turned away with a bright smile. Thanks a lot fir this, Tobi. I'll get eggs, flour, sardines and vegetable oil with it.

I felt his stare on me as I picked a shopping cart. And this is how I live. Scared of telling the truth. Scared of myself.

***

After shopping, I trekked back home with an heavy bag. But this wasn't the first time carrying a weight heavier than me. It was something I should be used to but I still struggle living with.
Careful as possible, I tried not to work too fast else, the bottles would break. Neither did I walk too slow. I had to get home before 6:00 p.m.

Luckily for me, I stepped in two minutes before their arrival. I had to start with the dishes, then, the food. After cooking, I served and decided to go into my room to rest for a while. Apparently, my backed ached like it was going to break.

"Where are you going?" Collins wore a frown at me. Fix this for me. He placed a bucket of hemp in front of me while I rolled it in bits. As careful as possible, nothing must go to waste else, I'll suffer the consequences.

Collins placed two packs of cigarettes in a plate and placed it in the middle of the dining table. With a saucer for each if them, they poured down the golden beer from their beer mugs down their throats negotiating how to sell and distribute the drugs. Stilling right in the midst of them and poring more beer into their empty cups, I try to ignore the choking smoke of burning cigarettes and hemp that filled the room like stormy clouds.

At least, stormy clouds would have been better. At least, it would have kept me warm but most Friday nights, I end up doing this till late midnight when sleep finally takes them or, sometimes, till morning. The only time I have to rest is whenever I wanted to pee and I would have to be back, downstairs right away else, Collins would come for me again.

***

The more my heavy eyes tried to close, the more I tried not to sleep. I dared not sleep before any of them, especially my uncle. Facing the frustration.

"Make sure you finish this before sleeping." Collins stammered, clinging the last bottle of beer to his chest. I watched him hatefully.

My eyes scrolled through to the other members. They were all asleep, cracking up a loud sore that sounded firecrackers. I couldn't help but to wonder how they'd managed to sleep despite the cranky noise. Looking at the big bucket in front of me, I was almost there. The hemp had almost touched its end. I placed everything into the bucket and dusted my hands. My eyes were itchy from lack of sleep. My back cracked even without stretching. How I hate my life. I looked at the heavily drunk men with thick and spooky tattoos dawned on their tanned, darker skins. I was pretty sure that none of them would ever trade their life for mine. I wouldn't take theirs either. Or was I living a luxurious life compared to them?

Thinking about being alone, a thought of what happened earlier after school blew through me. Thinking about Noah, he has a good heart. Thinking about his hidden smiles and weird the kisses we've both shared. I couldn't help but to think he deserves more. He deserves better. Noah being involved in my so messed up life would surely be a disaster.

Lost in the thoughts, the next thing I felt was the intoxicating feel of beer washing through my face.

"How dare you sleep you idiot!  Would that sleep provide food on your table?!"

The clouded sleep in my faded immediately. Like a light that suddenly went off. Was I dreaming about Noah? I thought I was still awake.

"Get up this instant and complete your job!" he hissed at me and stood up. I watched him make way back inside, into his toilet.

I wondered if he wasn't tired of living lile this because, I was already fed up. I wiped out the beer that was still dripping down my black hair. I felt disgusted but continued anyways. Going back to my room to take a towel might piss him up. And I don't want that. If Collins comes back and notice, he'd beat me blue black till I'm out of breath. Thinking about what had happened three months ago, I widened eyes and focused on tying the rest of the hemp in front of me.

5:38 a.m

Finally, I was through with everything. I poured the typed hemp back into the big bucket and placed it in the middle of the dinning table. Finally, it's time to sleep. Even though I know very well that I hardly get any sleep on weekends. I pushed my lazy legs upstairs and staggered to fall my bed.

"Meow!" Nothie cried. I'd mistakenly jumped on her.

So annoying. She gets to enjoy my bed better than me. It's no doubt, my cat lives a luxurious life compared to mine. In my next life, I'd come as a cat. I hissed to myself as I pushed her into the blanket curving my cold body and resting properly.

Staring at the dim light of the lamp sitting on the bedstand, I closed my eyes, trying to get a sleep it couldn't. My vision suddenly turned blurry, as tears washed down my eyes. I kept it low, not to wake the others. Crying silently in my mind and soul. I wished I could control these feelings. I wished there was a remedy for happiness. I wished I had a superpower, to live a free life.

"I really miss you mum. I wish you would come and take me out of there." I said it out, loud and clear.

I think and assume things a lot but sometimes, I just say it out loud. Especially for the fact that I miss my parents. My love for them still grow no boundaries. More eyes poured through my eyes until I my head ached so hard. My eyes felt like dropping off in blighted hopes.

"I wish I had died with both of you. How nice it would have been. A family of three died in a car accident, is better news than only one survived. Especially if that one is their child. Mum, dad... I don't know where you are right now but I hope you see me." I said to myself in the silence.

'Cookooorrroooocccooooo!'

'Cookooorrroooocccooooooo!!!'

The only cock we had left in the house made a loud noise. Announcing the sight of dawn, I pulled out of bed. Still unable to sleep. It was morning already so, sleeping at this time is useless. I scrubbed my itching eyes with the heels of my palms, and left Northie alone in bed.

My legs finds its way into the bathroom. I swiftly washed my face and brushed my teeth. Well, I started my morning chores as usual. First with my room, then other rooms followed. I fed the chickens, pigeons and birds with some grains. Then I proceeded to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.