5 October

Oh god!

I can't believe; it's happening... today am sharing what I can't voice because I don't have words to express that feeling_

I was trying to talk to her for all these days but all in vain, I can't understand why; whenever she is around me I start behaving like a college boy, nervous and shy, my beats increases at once when she stands close to me on the table to serve me Breakfast or dinner (she used to wait for me on dinner). And am also trying all these days to wrap all works before 7.

So I can spend more time while looking at her by side eyes; yes side eyes as I can't watch straight in her eyes, I don't want to lose myself without saying her my feelings, though I don't know I can do it ever or not. Don't know what stops me from doing so, our age gap, our silence, or just our Love, LOVE yes its love, what I feel for her and somehow I know she loves me too, but it's me who was running away from the fact. As always I was sitting in my study and feeling alone I want to see her, I want her to be around me every moment.

Without her, I feel alone in my own home. Suddenly a thought struck me, if I am feeling alone in my own house what about her she left everything for me and here I am leaving her alone every time when I know about her dreams..,

I decided to talk to her, I get up and reached the room I was still trying to find words to express my feelings my thoughts if I can express them. She was lying there; I thought she was sleeping. I stepped in and shut the door. I felt as she turned to look at me on the sound of the bolt of the door, it means she was not sleeping my heart beats harder and I determined to talk to her at any cost tonight. I sit beside her, she already turned off all lights except the side lamps of our bed as she knows I have a habit of reading before sleep, I don't know how she does but in just a few days she understands me as she is with me from ages.

I gathered all courage and touched her at shoulder lightly, that touch, that feeling was different, apart from the world. Any word can't express it and when she turned to me, those eyes were so captivating I forgot everything, who I am, what I was up to, my all hesitation just flushed away in her one look, there was love an innocent love, an ocean of immense love and it's all for me and me only, that happened for which I was afraid; I lost my self in those eyes, in that owner of those eyes, I don't know how but I loved her, I loved her whole night as much as I can, and there was only love and devotion in her eyes, which force me to love her more and more passionately...I wish I could say it too that I love you but Without a single word we know that we love each other from the bottom of our hearts, she is my love, my life, my everything all I can wish now is to say it one day in words.

So I can hear it from her lips in that melodious voice, tonight I proved myself that She (BJ) was wrong she can't affect me anymore because I have found the one who loves me and I love her.

She was not in my mind even for a second and now when I am recalling her intentionally, it doesn't affect me not even that anger, because now I don't have any connection with her not even of hatred.

Tonight I lost myself, who was full of past life shadows and pain, and found my real self in her, in her love and devotion.

The love of my life, My Arpita is sleeping in front of me and right now I can see that cute child-like innocent smile on her lips which is assuring me that I didn't do anything wrong by loving her, by making her all mine and she loves me too.

yeah her presence turns me into that innocent college going Avdhesh and it proves tonight again, she was in my arms the whole night but I can't say her that I love her I want to place a kiss on her rosy lips but I can't so I did it now when she is sleeping, I read somewhere -

" Soul meets soul at Lover's lip"

Now I am waiting to meet hers's I will try it every day obviously when she will be sleeping, but I will not disturb her sleep just a light kiss and my soul will find a reason to live, that is to wait for her reply. Which may never come.

6th October

I spent the whole night wrapped her up in my arms but in the morning... I still want to hold her like that forever and ever, I observe her cute face the whole night while she was sleeping, I think I slept for few hours too when she was in my arms and when I opened my eyes I find her cute face in front of my eyes what else I can ask for.

I gradually draw my arms back and get back to my side of the bed, I was watching her sleeping silently but how can I miss the chance to make my day, I get close to her swiftly and touched her lips with mine so lightly that she must think it, some gust of air or butterfly but she was wakening so I tried to get back but can't so I closed my eyes in hesitation and pretend to sleep but I was looking at her.

She opened her eyes and for some time she did the same as I do, looked at me calmly, and then she gets up looking at me affectionately and left the bed for daily chores of house.

When she was leaving I wanted to hold her hand and drag her back to me again but I can't, I smiled at my silliness and hugged tightly my pillow and find her beautiful earring stuck in my pillow, it reminds me of our last night, all that love that affection, everything I just kissed it and stored it with that white shirt which had her handprints, remembrance of our first meeting. What else I can do except feeling proud of my luck to have her in my barren life, she came like the first piece of cloud, the first drop of rain, the first swift of spring. My first and last love. My Love My life My Wife My world My Arpita.

Khwahisho me meri ye kaisa asar aaya..

Ke khuda ko bhi shayad iss nacheez par Reham aaya.

No khwaab me bhi kabhi chuu sakta tha jise..

Aaj usei khubsurat hasrat ko apni panaahon me paya

~~~~~~~~~~💕💕~~~~~~~~~~~
Arpita blushed to read her praises. And turned a few more pages and find the page from where their beautiful life starts turning hell.

~~~~~~~~~☘☘☘~~~~~~~~~

15th October

21 December

(the night before final reports)

Today anything can happen I have tried my best to prove those reports wrong, but now m loosing my all hopes, it's my last-ditch, all these days these all things makes me a different guy, I never feared anything, life never meant any precious thing for me ever, but now I am scared don't know is this fear of dying or fear of losing something more precious than this life "Arpita" or fear that what can happen with her after me.

No what I am thinking, I am already hurting her in my foolishness, I am spending more time at Office then home, though I want to see her, but I am afraid if she gets that something is worrying me then what will I do? No, I have to bear it all alone even if it's true I have to think about something for her future. Don't know what will I do but for sure I will secure her life anyhow.

Last evening when I returned late from Office she was waiting for me at the dinner table, I liked it when she serves me with all her love and affection but I don't want her to wait for me at dinner she doesn't need to stay hungry just because m late. She slept on the table waiting for me.

I went close to her, her hairs were hiding her beautiful face from me, I can't control my self from seeing her, I waited the whole day for her one sight I settled them lightly, I think I gazed her innocent tension-free sleep, but next second fear of those reports again drawn me to deep pool of agonies. What if...

No I can't think further, I left her behind and reached my study I called Kaka intentionally so she may know that I came back and she can have her dinner, I wish I could dare to say it my self. I said loudly "Sharad Kaka, bring some coffee in my room, I had taken dinner at the office. Don't disturb me after that."

Huun don't disturb me as I am very busy. All I can do was to think about her.

I want to be assured that she had something so I tried to see her from behind the curtain but what I saw was not as I wished she just get up and start to put all things in the freezer. I looked at Kaka, and he gets what I want to say, earlier he wanted me to say something but when I looked at him in a pleading manner he went to her and said-

"Arpita bitiya at least you take it, you prepared it with so much affection"

But her reply was- "It's ok kaka, I am fine, I am not hungry, it's quite late, You take rest, I will make his coffee, you just give it to him, he will not like it if I disturb him."

Now what should I do, I already said that I had dinner and she was denying to have it alone, I was thinking and looking at her when Kaka came with a coffee mug made by her. She didn't have dinner but made my coffee just because I want, how can someone be so selfless, I can feel her love and devotion for me in every gesture of hers, , My eyes filled with tear, kaka noticed it he put the mug on the table and without looking at me he said or I should say rebuke me.

"Now you are a Married man, Arpita is your responsibility, how can you do it with her, she made everything for you with so much love and affection and what you did 'I had dinner at office' human how can you do it Babua"

What can I tell him, what I'm going through, I thought whatever will happen tomorrow will be tomorrow, all I had was just the night, I followed him to dinner table she was there; lost in her thoughts with rest of coffee, I don't know how to start it so I just said-

" You should take dinner on time."

it was clear by her expressions that she was surprised to find me suddenly there, that smile on her lips was the most soothing thing I can saw ever, I know she have the same hesitation problem as me, she gets up and struggled with words "uuhh.I.. I..I ."

Oh that shy smile, that mesmerizing looks, though she was looking downwards but she made me forget my all worries for that moment I don't know how but my hand stretched toward her and I held her shoulder and made her sit in front of me, all I can say was

"Don't wait for me after 9 OK, Kaka bring the dinner." I think she was looking at me, I can feel her silent looks; once she sits I called kaka - "Kaka brings dinner but just for one" her smile was enough for me I don't need anything else.

But she said-"Kaka am not hungry, I am not going to eat alone" those melodious words with that down stare was enough to take me to heaven.

"Kaka, bring for me too, Aaj double dinner Karna padega" I said with a little smile I guess!

"No it's Ok you don't need to trouble yourself, I m not Hungry really!" she can't think of hurting me anyhow, though the fact was I want to spend some quality time with her.

"Maybe but I am feeling hungry now. Would you mind if I dine with you" I said looking at her. Oooh that cute smile with that killing shyness, she was blushing all the while we were dining.

After a long time, we took dinner together, again without any further word; I was taking pleasure to observe her cute and shy smile, and it turned the tastiest supper of my life.

After dinner I can't stay with her as I was not confirmed about the future which may... no I don't want to think about it.

I came to our bedroom, the fear of losing her was breaking me inside didn't know what to do, I thought she may take some time to come but she came in few minutes I feel as I was about to cry, I can't afford it in front of her so I pretended to sleep, turned all lights off before she can reach to room, and hide my eyes by one arm as I feared what if she saw any tear. But the desire to hold her and cry to my heart was there somewhere in me which force me to wait for her with open arms, and as she can hear my heart, the next moment she glided in by my side, her head was on my shoulder, her arms went around my chest, was it my imagination or real. M I going to die so god was granting my wishes! don't know what destiny has stored for us, all I know was that; I had only last night so I took a deep breath and hold her back in a tight hug. Don't know when we fell asleep but I am sure of one thing that she was happy and so was I, to have her in my arms, with all her love.

Today when I left home she was sleeping I just placed a kiss on her lips gently as I do every day but today the desire for response of that call of the soul was deeper, I looked at her for few seconds in desire; just hope that report will be fine and negative this time or my soul will be left unsatisfied as my only desire is to touch her soul through those lips, to get the reply of my daily kisses someday...

"I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm, your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy, golden storm, yes many loved before us, I know we are not new, in city and in forest they smiled like me and you, but now it's come to distances and both of us must try, your eyes are soft with sorrow, Hey, that's no way to say goodbye."

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

Disclaimer: Above beautiful quote is not written by me. Am just citing it from somewhere I read. 💕