22 December

Today I came office early, before anyone else.

I can't face Arpita with my fearful eyes, what if she gets what the hell I am going through. No, I can't see her in any kind of pain or trouble. I have to face it all alone.

As time passed staff start to come as always and start with their daily works, everything was normal as daily routine but the world was different for me.

My life, My dreams, My desires all were on stalk. Simple came to ask for some work but I was lost in my thoughts she didn't took much time to smell that there's some problem and I had to tell her everything she laughed at me and assured me that nothing is going to happen.

Her words were like, "You are still as you were in college Avi, always scared of results, don't worry you will pass this time too... if you are scared to fetch those reports I will collect them for you and believe me there's nothing to worry about."

"No Simple, I can't trouble you in this state, you need rest, If Chulbul heard that I caused you extra work, he will be annoyed and you know I can't bear the anger of any three of you."

She laughed at it too, "Don't worry Your Chulbul is going to fetch my monthly test reports he will collect yours too." And she left the cabin to call Chulbul. She is always like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My fear came true, my all faith in God is shattered now, how can God do this to me, in just a flick of the second I got everything and in the next I loose it all.

No, I loose it all first then I came to know what I had. (the ink was faded a bit as letters were washed by his tear drops..)

After few hours Simple came back to my cabin with some papers,

I was restless since morning so I was pacing near the window for some fresh air, I saw her and my heart sank into deep darkness; she was looking as she had already cried enough.

I got what the reason could be but I held myself back and asked her-"Simple where is Chulbul, The delivery boy? He didn't get reports or what?" I tried to avoid her gaze, No I don't want to see pity for me in anyone's eyes.

She stepped toward me and said-

"Avdhesh, I have collected the reports, It's positive again." and she broke into sobs and my world shattered into pieces in front of my eyes.

My whole life with my Arpita!

from the very moment I saw My Arpita,

Her college function!

Our marriage!

The moment I touched her the first time!

Those eyes forced me to loose myself in the owner of them.

That cute smile for which I am living.

That warm hold around my chest which I still can feel.

It seems as someone is snatching it all from me, and I felt as my legs are denying to hold me strait further all I could utter was-

"Don't cry Simple your tears can't change destiny, I wish I knew it earlier." and Simple held me before I could fall.
I controlled my self somehow by her support.

"What would you had done if you knew it earlier before your marriage? and what about Arpita now?" She asked settling her hair, As she knows it well my only concern is only and only Arpita, my own life never worth it for me.

I looked at her, her face was soaked in tears, I wiped her tears and what else I can reply except-

"If I knew it earlier, I would never marry her, and now I don't have any choice except divorce." Yes, I said 'Divorce' she was about to say something when I heard Her whisper,

"A..v..dh...ji..."

and when I looked back at door I couldn't believe my eyes. Arpita was there and she was about to fall on the ground.

I rushed and somehow caught her in the air. After seeing her I can't control my emotions and especially after seeing her like that, I lift her and placed on the couch next to the window for some air.

I think I was shouting her name to call her back because Simple was trying to calm me down. I shouted at Simple too, to call the doctor, she did it before I could say but at that time I knew only one thing and that was: My Arpita was not well, but I was wondering, why she fainted like that.

Oh God, what if she heard all our conversation and came to know about my illness!

But thank to Simple She noticed that Arpita was holding her Pregnancy reports in hand. And when she entered the cabin I was in Simple's arms, and on top of all Simple didn't mention the name of any decease that mean She must have misinterpreted what She saw and heard.

And that was the only good thing that happened with me this evening!

No, I don't know whether I should call the next event good or bad.

In few minutes Simple came with her doctor as that number was on her speed dial, so she called her gynecologist, after checking her up she came to me with a smile and said-

"Mr. Thakur, why are you looking so tensed it time to celebrate, you are going to be a father, congrats she is pregnant."

Her words were like magic for me for a second, I was like in heaven I forgot everything, I hugged the doctor in excitement and said Thanx to her, asked about Arpita's health, she said everything was fine all she needed was to rest, Simple was there too, she went out with Doc.

And for the next few minutes, I was alone with My Arpita and My baby.
I was so excited I sat by her side and started to talk to her, I hugged her while she was unconscious.

I spoke my heart-

"Arpitaaaaa, thank you so much you don't know what have you given to me today, I can't even dream of this happiness, I can't believe I am going to be a father, you know I want a girl just like you, a sweet little angle, even I thought a name for her too,

I will call her Pari and in her sweet melodious voice she will call me Pa.."

I looked at her face, her eyes were wet with tears...Suddenly the reality struck me, what I was saying, how can I think of weaving dreams, when I already had lost everything, again I felt the floor beneath me melting; I was in a deep pool of darkness, and next second I found my self on the ground next to her couch where I was sitting.

I looked up at her face, there were shadows of fear and pain, maybe because of what she saw and interpret it. My eyes turned away from her face as I can't bear that pain anymore.

What will she do if I died in front of her? She can't bear me with someone else then how will she bear it when I will leave her alone forever and what about our baby.

She is just 20 how will she manage everything and that's the time 'She' my so-called Bhauji (Sister in Law) came back in my mind, her greed her ruthlessness.
She is silent till now as She knows it well that she can't harm my Arpita until am breathing, after me she can do anything to her for our property and top of all to take out her frustration as she knows I love Arpita not her.

No my decision was correct I have to divorce her, and above it, I have to settle everything before leaving her alone, yes I have to make her marry before dying so I can see her happy, so what if I can't be there with her, who knows how long am going to survive, one year, one month, two months!

No, I can't take risk. I have to secure her future before dying.

And how can I forget her greedy stepmother; I can't leave her on her, She will sell her to anyone for money, no I can't leave her as my widow too, her life will be a living hell I have to do something.

And the only thing which came to my mind was that after me our baby will always remind her of me, She can't live peacefully with my memories.

What can I do now suddenly the incident happened a few hours ago came to my mind again.

She must hate me to cheat her, Yes I have to maintain that misunderstanding of her but what about Simple! Will she agree with me? And what if Chulbul has any objection?

No, No all I need to think right now, was of her only! About her safe and secure future and for it, I have to make her marry some good guy before dying.

But who will accept a pregnant woman as wife and love her? No with me, our baby has to die too!

Oh, what a cruel father I am! Before seeing my baby I was thinking to kill her or him. She was still unconscious. How can I miss the chance to lighten my heart and soul both, but this time my heart wants to feel our baby I rest my face on her belly and tried to hear my baby's beats, I can't hear it,

But I know one thing that She or He was there and She or He can not only hear me but understands me too. My pain, My helplessness was not hidden from it.

How it can be when its part of me too, but I can't feel it until it came in the world but I can't desire for it too, when I couldn't hear him/her I seized her bally, I kissed my baby several times, I started to talk her

-" Baby, I know Papa is so bad, but your mama is good, very sweet.. baby if you came in this world after me then your mama can't live peacefully ever as you will remind her of me, and I want her to forget me and if possible hate me too!
Sorry baby can't allow you to come in this dirty world, you have to wait in heaven for some time, may be when your Mama will find someone who can protect her whole life, you can come, till then wait there, I will come to see you soon."

I kissed my baby again, I can't control my self and I cried a lot while holding her, maybe its my last chance to feel her close to my heart, to feel my baby for the first and the last time.

after some time Simple came in with Chulbul, when I saw them I recall that how happy was Chulbul when they came to know about Simple's pregnancy, and here I am shattered and planning to kill My baby.

Simple tried to console me "Don't cry Avdhesh she is fine and very soon you are going to be a father."

Her husband supports her too as he too is one of my best buddies-"Yes Avi why are you behaving like kids, She is fine yaar come on get up from the floor." He came and made me stand on my feet, wiped my tears off, all I need was their support to take Arpita away from me.

"Chulbul you are right everything will be fine, but only if you want," I blurted.

"What do you mean by if I want? we are always with you after all if we are happy today is just because of you Avi."
He placed his hand on my shoulder to assure me.

"Then please ask your wife to pretend..." I needed more courage to ask for such favor.

Simple was astonished as she doubted my intentions -"Pretend for what Avi?"

"To be my girlfriend," I said with a sigh.

She shouted at me-"What the hell you are saying Avi, you just saw what happened her in that misunderstanding, and you want to maintain it! Don't you want her to live or what?"

"I know Simple, but you can't deny the fact that I can't live with her love any longer then why should I spoil her life its better if she hates me, let her think of me as a ruthless womanizer." I tried to convince her.

This time it was Chulbul who showed disapproval- "stop it, Avi, are you out of your mind, what are you saying? Why do you want her to hate you when you love her so much?"

"God forbidden, What would you do Chulbul if you were at my place, don't you want to secure your love's life after you. I am just trying to do it.
Before closing my eyes I want to see her happy and safe with someone." I tried to made him feel my condition.

Simple shouted on me angrily - "Are you out of your mind Avi! What's going in your mind, stop all this nonsense, what do you think of a woman, you will show her that you are a bad guy and She will marry anyone else while she is carrying your baby! Are you sick Avi, stop all this because I can't tolerate this nonsense anymore."

"I know she can't that's why I need your support guys, Simple please fix an appointment with your gynec for Arpita. She will not continue this pregnancy." I said firmly without any emotion.

"Stop it, Avi, just stop it now, you are not god, you can't make her decisions, let her know and decide what she wants." Simple The True Feminist provoked by now, left the cabin in anger.

"I can't Simple; because I can't let her know my condition She can't handle it, it's better if she leaves me out of anger and disgust so She can accept someone wholeheartedly next time. Don't you agree with me Chulbul?"

I know he can't disagree with me, as I know how much he loves Simple, He would do the same if he were at my place, I left it on him to convince Simple, and somehow He did it in few hours.

Meanwhile, I had nothing to do except stare at my Arpita and my baby with all longing ness, I think I cried too again and again holding my baby and washed her with my tears, but before I can wipe them off from her belly; I felt as She was gaining conscious I don't want her to know the news as it has to be.

I don't want her to know my pain. I can't afford it that moment and if she saw my eyes she would get it as she always does. I quickly fetched my shades and turn my back on her and started to wait for her questions.

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Jo...☺