After a few hours, I called Kaka to inquire about her condition,

He told me that She was in her room since she reached home, it meant that she didn't tell anything to Kaka, that's good for me. If She had done that then it would be harder for me to get away from her, as kaka knows what She is for me, for my life and he would have told her everything. I need to hide all this from Kaka.

But at the same time I need Kaka's help too as I can't show my concern to her then he is the only person who can look after her and She will listen to him too.

His words and the concern in his voice was enough to make me restless, I can't stay away anymore, I need to be there, I need to see her, feel her, feel her presence around me, especially when I know how much pain I have caused her and how can I leave her in that pain. I have to suffer it with her by seeing my love in that sheer pain, after all, She will not be with me after few days, then I have to suffer alone even for her one sight.

When I get back home Kaka was there to ask me what happened with her?

why she was like that?

I had no answers to his questions.,. All I could say was, "She is angry with me Kaka I hurt her, please take good care of her."

I felt it unbearable to control myself and broke into sobs. I hugged Kaka and started to cry after all Kaka is the only person who is with me since my childhood and after Amma, his arms were my cradle, who else can share my pain, without asking the exact reason for it.

He got that there's something wrong but as I was not in the condition to reply he didn't ask anything just patted on my head gently and gave strength to hold back my tears. He reached Arpita the next moment, I followed him but I hide myself behind the curtain.

Kaka placed his gentle loving palm on her forehead and called her back from that deep dark well of sorrow where I pushed her.- "Arpita . Bitiya have something you didn't had anything since morning.." and it worked with her too, all that pain, that frustration, oozed out as tears and sobs. When I saw her crying like that how could I hold my self, I cried too with her but away from her.

Kaka got that something really bad happened he asked her this time- "Aree Bitiya what happened? why are you crying like this? Avdhesh.." he was about to tell her about my condition but thank God he looked back at me while mentioning me and I nodded in denial to mention about me.

He just thought that She was angry with me that's why I stopped him to take my name. He smiled a bit on our first supposed to be fight and asked her further.

"Is there anything wrong?"

She quickly composed herself and said-" No Kaka everything is fine. I am not hungry. Was just missing my Dad. After talking to you now I am fine.

Is he back? You should give him something."
She said with a shivering voice.

I can't understand how God made her? Why is She so selfless? First She lied to Kaka, am sure just because she too didn't want to hurt him by telling about my behavior and the camouflage of my infidelity, and more than that She is asking him to look after me.

My eyes again got flooded with tears, Kaka looked at me and left us alone. She laid back without any activity like a living dead, tears were still rolling down from her eyes, No I can't see her like that. But I had to bear that hell before dying as just dying and getting apart from her was not enough of my punishment. Don't know for which crime God is punishing me like this. Watching my love in such kind of condition, any punishment of hell can't hurt more than this.

I spend few more hours in the study as I can't see her in that state, when I thought She must have slept I came back to our room, but she was still like that, like a living dead, only difference was now I can feel her eyes fixed on me, moving with my every step in the room, her pleading eyes as She wants to hear something from me, which I want to say too but can't voice it.

I just pretended to be unaware of her restlessness and get on my side of the bed.

It was the same room, same bed, same both of us of last few months, last night but the only thing which was not same was me, I turn off the only lighting source in the room, the side lamp, put off my spects and laid back and pretend to sleep, as last night was my last sleep when she was in my arms, without her how can I think of rest, of sleep, of breathing, She was just at arm's length and I can't grab and hold her, when She was crying bitterly, when She needs me, needs a shoulder, needs a warm hold to ensure that She is safe and everything is fine.

I bear it for long hours She was crying and crying and her sobs were chopping me inside, when I couldn't control my self any longer I almost reached to grab her by the waist but I held my hand back before touching her, but I couldn't take it back, the urge to hold her close to heart was stronger then I thought. I closed my eyes and started to wait for her to come in my arms herself, praying my God to bless me with just one more night to sleep with my life, to allow me one more moment to collect for the rest of remaining hell after her.

Kaka's old radio and that melodious song put more fuel in that desire...

"Lag jaa gale, ke fir hasin ye raat ho na ho..

Shayad fir is janam me julakaat ho na ho.."

I dared to look at her with all desire and pleads, I felt as She was turning to me I just closed eyes and stretch my arm more open to invite her ..

In no time She was in my arms, her head was on my shoulder while arms were holding me tightly across the chest, She hugged me tightly, and started to cry bitterly, I can feel her warm tears burning my heart, She was shaking badly,

"Paas aiye ke hum nahi aayenge baar baar,

Baahen gale me daal ke hum ro le zaar zaar,

Fir aapke naseeb me ye baat hi na ho..."

Song was depicting the desire of my heart.

who knows, maybe this was my last night with my life. I want to hold her back but I can't while She was crying badly, maybe She was expecting me to wake and talk to her, which I can't if I dared to pretend this time I was sure to lose my self in her which I can't afford, so I continued to pretend my sleeping drama while tears were flowing from my eyes too, this time it was that sheer darkness in our room which hide my tears form her, when I was sure that She slept I fulfilled my desire. I hugged her tightly closed to my heart and cried to my heart. After crying I felt a bit light maybe because she was with me and I can feel her, don't know when I fell asleep.

Next Morning...

Again luckily I woke up before her, when I opened my eyes her face was a breath away from mine, She was in my arms, her eyes were still wet and I think so was mine.

I kissed her eyelids lightly and then placed a kiss on her lips as paying regular homage and a tear came itself at my eye's corner as I know it was my last attempt to touch her soul, from tomorrow I can't do that because what I was going to do today will take her away from me forever and she will hate me for sure.

23rd December

I had to start all scene before She could get up and again look at me with those pleading eyes, I found only one way to escape from that situation I decided not to look at her or if I have to look at her I will not look into her eyes, and without my dark shades never, as this was my only way to hide the pain in my eyes or She would read it as She always does. I went to take shower as I want to wash it all away, all fatigue, all sorrow, all redness of my eyes, and if possible my existence as well so I can save myself from killing my baby.

When I came back She was there as I thought: She was staring at me with pleading eyes, I determined not to look at her but how can I deny myself because apart from her I don't have any existence I keep looking at her all the time at times in mirror and rest by side looks but I made myself sure that She could not saw it.

It was time to start my rude and cruel play. I just called Kaka-

"Kaka, get Breakfast please, we will leave in half an hour, Arpita has an appointment with the doctor."

I mentioned it as I didn't have the guts to say it to her directly, She just took her clothes and get in the bathroom for a shower. I didn't want it but as She moved like a zombie my eyes again got filled with tears.

As I mentioned about her appointment with doc. Kaka came to ask about her health, How could I forget that Kaka was certainly not part of my self-destructive deeds,

"What happened Babua,? Is Arpita bitiya fine? She was not looking well even yesterday, what happened to her?" Kaka asked worriedly.

"Yes Kaka, She is fine, just weakness I think that's it, and after today She will be fine, don't worry I will take care of her."

What else I can say, except She will be fine after the day as I will not be there in her life any longer to cause her pain and not that part of me who can remind her of me.

Kaka-"Ok Babua, I will bring both of your's breakfast here, make sure She finishes it. She didn't have anything last night too."

"Ok Kaka. Kaka .. Don't bring anything for me, I am not feeling like having anything so early." I told him as he was leaving the room.

How can I think of having anything when I was destroying my own remaining life!

"Babua is everything really like as you are telling me?" He inquired looking back at me as if he sensed it.

"Yaa Kaka why are you not believing me?" I replied casually looking at my watch.

"Ok, if you are insisting. But I never saw you wearing shades at home especially at this time, well, it's your life who am I to ask you anything." He said with a bit of annoyance.

And He left with a sad face, I knew it; I can't hide anything from him for long, but this time it was something I can't share, in frustration I removed my shades too. He can't bear it. Once Arpita leaves this house, I will make sure that the family of Kaka comes here to stay with him. Or He goes to them. He wouldn't be able to see me dying.

Kaka brought her breakfast and left without any further word. When I noticed her coming out I stood in front of the mirror and started to comb hair. How else I could get a chance to look at her, She was wearing Red saree, wet hairs, completely as I always want to look at her, She always looks; Beautiful.

She was staring at me with some kind of hope, which I can't fulfill now. I tried to not do it but our eyes met when I was wearing my jacket and turned to her, in that flick of second her eyes said a lot of things I get it all but I can't respond to them, it's not about me, it's for her and her future, again I put the shades on, as I can't see those tears in her eyes, fetched my bag and was about to leave the room when She followed me silently, How can She do it like that, don't She feel any anger for me? How can She forget that She didn't have anything since last night, if She cares for the baby!!!

I knew I was about to take her to kill our baby but how can I overlook this irresponsible act. I just turned to her and this time I was really upset with her -

"Don't you think you are forgetting something?"

She just gave a blank look followed by

"What?"

Oh God this time I didn't get her. Was She unaware of what I was talking or that was her way to show anger to me, causing trouble and suffering for herself?

I didn't have any other option except returning to the room and I did that only.

"Kaka brought your breakfast in the room, have it we can leave after 15 minutes." I declared without looking at her.

And I threw my bag again back on the bed, while She was standing away in mid door as I was going to force her for something; I sat on the bed next to her breakfast. But her reply was-

"No, I don't feel like having anything."

Oh God, what should I do with her? She was about to start cry again, I can feel her vibrating voice. I can't allow her to break down and cry this time like the previous night She has to be strong, She has to learn to be strong; I can't be with her to hug her and wipe her tears off every time, and for that, She must have something. I took the glass of juice and reached to her, this time I forced her to hold the glass-

"Stop your nonsense and take it."

At that moment I saw her anger and stubbornness for the first time she didn't moved by my scold even a bit and turn her face to other direction and denied plainly -

"No, I will not"

And a silent tear rolled down her cheek.

What I was thinking of her. After all, She is my Arpita, how can I think to force her for anything? It gave me a strange feel, a bit of pride, and a bit of confidence that She is not so delicate as I thought She can stand with her decision. But it irritates me too as She was weak and still denying to have anything even juice!

I all most banged the glass back and all I can say was-"OK, as you wish!"

I felt helpless in front of her stubbornness. And I left the room She followed me wiping her tears herself as She too wanted to hide it from Kaka.

She gets in the car, next to me, while I was driving. To clinic, my only wish was to look at her, to capture her beauty in my eyes for the rest of my life, but I can't even do so, as She was constantly looking at me with tear full pleading eyes, I can't dare to look straight at her, but when I feel it unbearable I look at her reflection in the window glass.

When we reached the clinic She looked frozen, as She can't believe that I was really doing it. I get out of the car and want her to do the same but She didn't move even a bit from her seat, even She looked at me with tearful eyes and denied to do it just by a nod.

Oh that look... that miserable condition of her... every time She looked at me like that I feel like something in me shatters more badly and its particles poke my soul more badly I felt bleeding internally I could feel that pain in her eyes, that fear.

But I had to do it.

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Jo...