CHAPTER SIXTEEN:
THE F.U.N

The other way —the near-impossible one— Five had mentioned was to go negotiate with Cha Cha and Hazel.

So that's how Five, Luther, and Jason ended up in a car —the license plate said HERMES which Jason thought was really cool— and drove to the middle of fucking nowhere and stopped the car, waiting for the two assassins to arrive.

"You know, I never enjoyed it," Five said and looked outside.

"What?" Luther asked from the driver's seat.

"The killing. I was good at my work, I took pride in it but it never gave me pleasure. I think it was all those years alone. Solitude can do funny things to the mind. At least I had him," Five pointed to the backseat where Jason was taking a nap in his human form.

"Yeah, well, you were gone for such a long time. I only spent four years on the moon, but that was more than enough. It's the being alone that breaks you."

The two looked around before Luther patted the briefcase between them, "You think they'll buy it?

"Well, what I do know is that they're desperate. it's like a cop losing his gun. The commission finds out, they'll be in deep shit. Not to mention the fact that they'll be stuck here until they get it back."

"Well, I should hold onto it," Luther looked at Five.

"Hmm?"

"In case they make a move on you."

"Alright Luther, but be careful. I mean, I've... I've lived a long life, but... you're still a young man. You got your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it."

"You sound like my Nonno before he died and he was fucking old," Jason groaned and sat up on the backseat, rubbing his neck, "Man, that was the most comfortable yet uncomfortable nap I've ever had."

"Sleeping beauty finally awakes!" Five said sarcastically and looked at Jason in the rear mirror.

Jason winked at him, "I was waiting for my prince to kiss me but he was busy being an old man."

Luther looked between the two uncomfortably.

"I would never kiss you."

"But you think I'm beautiful!" Jason intervened his hands together and bought them to his chest and started blinking fast while looking at Five.

"If we were a Disney couple, we would be beauty and the beast."

"Awww! Don't sell yourself short Cutie! You don't look like a beast!" Jason rested his head on Five's shoulder, "Also I wouldn't mind you being a beast, I've heard they have big co-"

"Oh look!" Luther shouted and pointed at the car approaching them, "They're here! We better stop this conversation right here and right now and never continue it."

"I was gonna say Cocaine packs!"

"Sure you were," Five said and got out of the car and Jason followed him.

"I swear!"

"Mhm."

Hazel and Cha Cha's car passed them before stoping, and the two assassins stepped out. Five and Jason went to talk to them while Luther held on to the fake briefcase.

"Were masks really necessary?"

Hazel and Cha Cha took off their masks and threw them aside.

"Cha Cha! F is for Friends that murder together-"

Cha Cha looked at Jason with dead eyes, "I will kill you," She then turned her attention to Five, "So where is it, kid?"

"Wow, That's how you're gonna start. You know, we can get right back in our car and call it a day."

"You won't even make it halfway there," Cha Cha said and pulled out her gun and pointed it at Five.

Jason looked at Hazel and nodded awkwardly at him and got an awkward nod in return.

"Maybe, But as I'm sure you found out in your previous foray, my brother is not your average giant."

"He's right. You dropped a chandelier on him, got right back up," Hazel agreed.

"Yeah, he's a special giant."

"By the time you took him out, he'd smash your precious briefcase to a pulp.

"Probably us too, right? So, how do we help each other?" Hazel said and looked between the three.

"I need you to get in contact with your superior so I can have a chat with her. Face-to-face."

"About what?" Cha Cha still had her gun pointed at Five. Which Jason really didn't like. Rude lady!

"Well, I don't believe that's any of your concern."

Cha Cha sighed, "Just don't tell her about the briefcase."

"Fair enough."

Cha Cha lowered her gun and went to a telephone pole nearly and started dialing.

Jason and Five went and stood next to Luther.

"What happens now?" Luther asked not taking his eyes off of the Cha Cha and Hazel.

"Now we wait."

Before anything else could be said or be done, they all heard the "Ride of the Valkyries" playing and an icecream truck coming towards them.

Jason felt confused and happy. Mostly happy. It was a really hot day and he had no idea how Luther could wear so many layers without melting on the spot.

The five watched as the ice cream truck came closer and closer.

"Is that her?" Luther asked making Jason roll his eyes. As if that woman would even go near an icecream truck.

When the truck passed them, they saw Klaus driving and waving at them, with Diego sitting shotgun.

Luther and Jason waved at Klaus as he passed by —Jason more enthusiastic.

"What is he doing here."

Klaus didn't stop the truck and instead headed straight for Cha Cha and Hazel. The two assassins started shooting once they realized the truck wasn't going to stop instead of leaping out of the way, and predictably, they got hit.

one of their bullets headed for Luther, Jason, and Five. Luther jumped in front of the two, trying to protect them. But before anyone could get hit or fall from being hit by a car, time stopped.

Five and Jason peaked from behind Luther —one on each side— and looked at the frozen scene.

"Neat trick, isn't it?" The handler said from behind them.

Jason and Five turned to face her. she took off her sunglasses and looked between the two, "Hello Five, Jason. You look good, all things considered."

"It's good to see you again."

"Feels like we met just yesterday. Course, you were a little bit older then. Congratulations on the age regression, by the way. Very clever. Threw us all off the scent."

"Ah, well, I wish I could take credit. I just miscalculated the time dilation projections, and... Well, you know. Here I am."

"I told him it was an eight not a five but he didn't listen."

"And I told you, the problem wasn't that!"

The handler looked between the two with amusement, their bickering always amused her.

"You realize your efforts are futile. So why don't you tell me what you really want?" The Handler said returning them to the topic at hand.

"I want you to put a stop to it."

"You realize what you're asking for is next to impossible, even for me. What's meant to be is meant to be. Like you two. That's our raison d'etre."

Five took a gun out and pointed it at The Handler.

"Yeah? Well, how about survival as a raison?"

"I'll just be replaced. I'm but a... small cog in a machine. This fantasy you've been nurturing about summoning up your family to stop the apocalypse... is just that. A fantasy. I must say, though, we're all quite impressed with your initiative, your... stick-to-itiveness, really quiet... quite something. Which is why we want to offer you a new position back at the Commission, in management."

Five chuckled, "Sorry, what's that now?"

"Come back to work for us again. You know it's where you belong. Both of you," She looked between Jason and Five.

"Well, it didn't work out too well the last time."

"But you wouldn't be in the correction division any longer. I'm talking about... the home office. You'd have the best health and pension, and an end to this ceaseless travel. You're a distinguished professional in... schoolboy shorts. We have the technology to reverse the process. I mean, you... you can't be happy like this," She lowered the gun Five was holding.

"I'm not looking for happy."

"We're all looking for happy. We can make that happen. We can make you... yourself again."

"And what about my family?"

"What about them?"

" I want them to survive."

The handler took a deep breath and looked at Luther before looking at Klaus and Diego, "All of them?"

"Yes, all of them," Five said it in the tone of like 'obviously you oaf, duh!'

"Well... I'll see what I can do." She offered her hand to Five, "Do we have a deal?"

"One thing."

Five then went and threw Hazel and Cha Cha's guns far away, and then moved the bullet that was flying towards Luther slightly away.

The handler looked at her watch before she looked at Jason, "Hey there handsome."

Jason stared blankly at her, "F is for friends that murder together, U is your dead body, N is for nobody ever finds your body, down there in the deep blue sea."

She looks at him weirdly before looking away nervously.

Five comes back and takes her hand, and with a whoosh, they're gone, and time goes back to normal.

—ᴥ︎—

(not Me jamming to F.U.N while writing this.)

Bonjour!

Okay so, here is the question, as you probably noticed, I didn't write if Jason goes with Handler and Five or if he stays, so it's up to you to decide.

•Should Five and Jason go to the commission together

or

•Should Jason stay with the Hargreeves?

Sorry the chapter was short but it was for the reason above^ so yeah.

[also we might have a surprise this week 👀 idk]
[no promises]
[wink wink]