Guess who decided to reinstall the Wattpad app back on her phone and go back here? *points to self*

I know, shocker, right? After the incident that happened to me right before and after New Year's, I just... lost it. I pushed all that I once held dear to me away.

It's childish to admit, but my mother had successfully shamed me on the second day of 2017. You could say I started off the year on the wrong foot, but I think that I'm just a hopeless cause. And the argument with my mother (and her band of loyal bashers called my brothers) was the brink of the edge that I already dwelled in.

I haven't been exactly open to my mother of I guess my "double life" on Wattpad. Not that I saw any reason to tell her anything, as she assumed that being the smart child in school meant that I was mentally fine. Even more, she calls Pokémon the demons, so I doubt she'll be enthusiastic to know what I do read and write about. It wasn't until I was texting a certain friend that she began to interrogate me. I tried explaining to her that they were sending me a story through text, but she heard none of it. Instead, my mom snatched my phone and took it to my oldest brother to translate for her (as my mom doesn't know the basics of the English language). Next thing you know, they pulled the bs card on me as my mom dragged me into the living room.

Then my family took turns to yell at me. My mother, being the traditional housewife regardless of being an employed single mother, bashed me for looking friends elsewhere. She was already irritated of my public decision to wanting to go to college out of state; the fact that I trusted people outside of my bloodline shocked her. She screamed at me at why I could be so selfish and self-centered when she's giving me everything that I could possibly need (Hell it's February and I can still hear her words).

My oldest brother then grilled me and demanded where did I get such information to even text with someone. So I admitted to him that it was from a site called Wattpad. Before I could explain that it was a site where aspiring authors come together to unite with me, he slapped me. He roared out that I was too young to even have any social media account. He accused me that if I really wanted someone to talk to, I had him. Outraged by this, I told him off that no one in the household shared any of my tastes (Give me credit that I did not call him a hypocrite as he's mostly shut in his room, on every social media account you could think of).

My mother then went back to yell at me. And then my brother. And then my oldest brother. And the cycle repeated until I was drained from any teenage rebellion. And on the brink of insanity as I kicked the table instead of one of them. They called me too young to have any accounts on the internet. They called me too old to be so naïve. They called me too young to actually have stress. They called me too old to be so spoiled and bratty.

They mocked me for being indignant. Spat and shoved at me with their words until I agreed. Which I finally had done in order to make the words stop. I know, I'm weak for letting them be right. Too weak to stand up against them for more than an hour. And I cried, never feeling more alone in my life than at that moment. I had a day to cover the scars brought upon by their words before I returned to school.

But since then, I uninstalled Wattpad from my phone. I've ignored the texts from all the people from my childhood and my internet buddies. I tried being the person that my family wanted me to be.

I became the daughter that sat down and listened to my mother's fashion advice.

I became the sister my oldest brother wanted me to be, one who would never talk back and cower her head.

I became the guardian for my other brother, and spent time with him as I smiled and nodded at his jokes.

I became a daughter who agreed with my mother and abandoned all outlets to write.

I became a sister who accepted the insults thrown at me and smiled at them.

I became the sister who supported her brother, no matter how everyone else was right on him being mentally challenged.

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That was bullshit. I can't believe now that I tried to become something I'm not. That I tried my hardest to please the most petty people on Earth. My mother still accused me of being selfish and that I would abandon them out of the blue. My oldest brother eagerly insulted me at every chance he got and never saw me as an equal. My other brother was just plain crap, as I had to bite my tongue at every illogical thought that poured from his mouth.

So then why did it take you all this time to not only see this, but to come back?

I left writing. Completely. I drowned in my own misery and pretended that I had no other way to combat. I was in a state of denial that I had lost this battle against my family. The bubbly façade at school only shattered when I got home. People saw the strained smiles, the hollow laughter, and the supposed fits of violence. What they never saw was a girl who had lost her very own identity.

I remember once that an ex-friend had questioned me at what I feared most. At the time, I had none that toppled the other; even more daunting, I never truly pondered on the subject. But if I could answer him now, it would be this: I fear the loss of my identity. To lose the personality that I am is to lose what I am. And to do that is to be dependent. With that comes dominance. And if there is something I absolutely detest, it is to be at the mercy of others.

But I've been a mess. My small social circle irl grew to an even smaller social circle as I lost more friends to my stupidity. I lost one for not being able to bite back my bluntness, and another for refusing to help them pass a class. Most recently, I lost one more for rejecting him on Valentine's Day.

My gambling habits also resurfaced. To be specific, I relapsed back into playing poker amongst other card games. I redownloaded those games that involve betting - ones I haven't touched since middle school years. I swear, this will be a true problem with me and Vegas is most likely my new home.

And writing... I didn't lose passion for it. However, I did become shamed of it. No more reading another Dylan Thomas poem at night, no more asking book recommendations at school, and no more Wattpad. I wasn't even tempted to log back in when using laptops at school.

But not everything has been awful for me. I entered an art competition amongst the rest of my school, and my surprisingly colorless artwork earned a 49/60 points. I also met a kid there who concurred with my anti-Pokémon Go sentiments. Then there was the consecutive AP mock exams I had to take at school. If I would've taken the real thing in May, the results say I would've gotten a 3 in Calculus, a 4 in APUSH, and a 4 in AP Lit. I did better than most people around me, so I kinda took (not really) pride from that. I also led a debate in my APUSH class and revived my passion for exchanging banter.

And then I read Othello. Completely fell in love with Iago (who cares that everyone who died was his fault?!) and his rather brilliant schemes. I learned about Chaucer, the man who quasi-inspired Shakespeare. I then received praises for the recent essays I've been turning in by my English teacher, and have been asked to aid other students in revising their essays. Obviously playing card games with older kids was legit, as we tested how lucky we could get.

But that's about it on the period of my absence.

Now move on to the future.

Good old Dylan Thomas. Don't know what to do without the infamous words of the drunken Welsh with a talent for causing the distraught sentiments. Anyway...

After just giving myself excuses for basically since the year began, I've decided to fight back for what I once had. Mainly, it all starts here where I read amazing stories and met equally amazing people. It's about time I come back, catch up to those +999 notifications, and maybe write. I'm not sure, as I did lose my muse.

But I apologize to those that I've failed during my absence. Now I'm sure that my friends here have moved on and are probably in a better situation than I am, but I still want to stop by and say hello. And a VERY belated New Year of course.

So in the end, I will return. Although not exactly in the same way as in per say spamming people with massive comments.

Nor will I come in with some spectacular novel or anything.

Maybe my habits on answering messages might change (hopefully for the better).

Because if there is one thing I learned the hard way, it's that pushing people away can be misinterpreted as a sign that you don't care for them. That you find them disposable.

You guys are irreplaceable. Seriously, I met most of you on here during the summer, which was pretty grand. I hope I can stick around at least for one more.

To pi_memorizer: I have no idea how it's coming up with the game you said you were going to create, but I do hope that it's going swell. Perhaps you already posted it somewhere but I'm honestly too lazy to check.

To izayoix: I might be some random reader of your famously angst books, but I do hope that I can be that again soon. For now, I hope that Pathos is coming up nicely and that you've already plotted your plans for new books to write.

To Risa-White: I certainly hope that school isn't as tiresome as it was last year. And that TGR is still being updated (since I basically lived under a rock I have no idea of this).

To Doppelgengar: I prayed that school has not deterred you from having grand adventures. Seriously, I hope that if we can talk one day, you have plenty of shenanigans to tell me.

To Sheare: I really need to catch up with Monopoly. Like seriously, from the notifications that I could scroll down, I saw chapter thirty something. At least you don't have to worry about me spamming, but I have missed your intellectual opinions. I hope that thus far you've met with success.

To luminescencexx, VanillaWind, ktd527, FallOfRempire, EpicAuthor01, Stormlocke, ThatRandomGolduck, lazuriteoftheskies, Meme_Knightwalker: Really missed talking to each and every one of you. From raving about books and fandoms, commenting on your works, and talking other topics, I lament on being without it. I hope that I can be part of that again.

And finally, to blue___22: I apologize for probably being the shittest person you've had the displeasure to meet and talk. You are the person that I have the least excuse to even come up excuses for. I had no right to allow exterior forces to deter me from your friendship. You're indispensable to me, but clearly my actions have spoken something else. I am confident that you've been fine and adjusting to whatever the year has brought you. And I sincerely hope that you've gone back to writing, as that is the most stable coping mechanisms you'll get in life. But I miss our conversations. From talking about writing to fanfiction and life in general, I wish it could go back to those times. But please know that I wanted to see how you were doing, but I didn't have the guts to face my family. I apologize for giving into family pressure and pushing you aside when you didn't deserve this.

I really do suck at apologies guys. But here's the thing: I suck at it only because I don't practice it. I don't apologize for the things I meant to do, which mostly saves me from saying that phrase "I'm sorry". In the other hand that just means I have no idea how to be organized as it comes from my very dysfunctional heart.

So okay... I'll try to come back, writing wise, but I'm not too sure. My life has consisted of broken friendships, Fire Emblem Heroes, homework, and amongst other boring things (except for soccer and playing poker).

So until then...