4/8/18, 4100 words
Hi. This is a tear jerker.

This has many trigger warnings. Scenes and mentions of shootings, death and mental illnesses.

And an actual h u g e thanks to Payton_Elizabeth1  for preveiwing this and editing. Youre amazing and thankyou so much mate :)

Important notes at the end of this chapter.
And lots of trigger warnings.

Alex
I ran my fingers through my greasy hair. God fucking dammit.

I didn't know what made John freak out so much, but whatever it was I could easily tell it was bothering him. He had become so reserved. Quiet. He seemed to be biting his tongue at multiple opportunities to speak.

I was going to ask him what was up, and this time I would get to the bottom of it. But I was surprised at his sudden outburst as if it was bottling up all things up until he exploded. And this wasn't good.

And then he left. I didn't know where he went- I couldn't have had the faintest clue- everything became fuzzy for me to think clearly. The single thing I could remember was the sickening drop in my stomach. The wriggling fuzz that consumed my thinking and caused my breathing to become harsh and heavy.

To make an even worse situation Peggy into the staff room and spoke, "I just got a text from John. What the hell happened." She glared at me as I clutched my chest with my shaking hand. It didn't take me long to realise how much damage I just did. I did it again. I hurt him. I'm an idiot.

I remained quiet for a string of silence until I finally strained back tears. "John hasn't been acting himself. You know that, right?" My voice wavered.

I couldn't even tear my eyes from my shaking hands to look at Peggy. She responded with an 'mhm'.

"I confronted him about it. I told him that he could tell me what was wrong but..." I squeezed my eyes shut to blink back salty tears. "He got upset. He burst. I don't know what to do. It's all my fault..."

I finally lifted my head up and made eye contact with her. I couldn't make words- I could only think about the most terrible things that could happen next. "Its all my fault."

Tears rolled down my cheeks and although I wanted to keep inside a sob, and be strong, I couldn't help slip out a quiet weep of pain. My arms hugged my shoulders in my weakness I left my head down in shame as tears spilled onto the ground. I couldn't help it. I messed up.

"Alex... come here. Hey," Peggy outstretched her arms and squeezed me tight. "Hey, it's going to be alright! You know John is withdrawn from us and-"

"Peggy, I know that, it's just... I feel like I lost him. I pressured him into telling me what was wrong and he just... he couldn't. No, he physically couldn't. It's unbearable to see him like this, so empty and bothered... so disturbed. And now because of me and wanting to dig around into his own personal business, I got him hurt."

"Alex, look at me." Peggy took my chin in her thumb and index finger and sternly looked me in the eye- sort of giving me stability. "It is your business now. In fact, this has gotten out of hand. And I'm not saying it's his fault, but there are things that he's thinking or being told that makes him think to talk and reaching out for help is a crime.

"And this is not okay. He needs someone right now. And look, he's probably not as upset about you trying to talk to him than you think he is. It's probably that this setback might have triggered his mental state to become worse. Not because of you, but because a negative impact has occurred, alright? I'm sure that once we get him to talk, it will be fine." Peggy wiped a tear from my cheek.

I took a deep breath, before responding. "Thank you, Peggy. How did you know what happened, anyway?"

She gestured to her phone. "I got the message from him then conversed. You can have a look," Peggy then handed me the phone and hurled herself on the bench.

I looked down at her phone and began scrolling, with every word my stomach twisting into an even bigger knot.
John: Peggy. I'm so sorry. I'm just telling you now that I've left the restaurant and gone back to the hotel- I feel dead awfully guilty because this is Laf's night and Hercule's. I'm so sorry.
Peggy: :0
Peggy: what happend??? What's wrong???
Peggy: happened*
John: I don't want to say, it's going to open a can of worms and make me look like an attention seeker.
John: I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have even texted you then, haha.
Peggy: John Laurens tell me right now. You know how I go. I know somethings up and if you cant tell others you can tell m e
John: I should have told Alex my problems. Then this wouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have been so stubborn when taking his help.
Peggy: :0! Did you and Alex have an unsettlement?
John: Yeah. He asked what was wrong and he thought something was up with me. And I said nothing.
John: what I'm even more worried about is that I stormed out and it was Hercules' night with Laf and it was incredibly selfish of me. All I was thinking was that I needed to get out of there and clear my head and thoughts.
Peggy: dood
Peggy: seriously.
Peggy: obviously you were distressed and it was sensible of you to leave to clear your mind for a bit. That's.
F i n e m a t e
Peggy: and I i know you didnt mean it to be selfish or anything, okay hun? Can you do something for me and go on to sleep once you get to the hotel?
John: Alright.
John: Again, I'm so sorry. Please dont tell the others, I dont want to make a big deal of it.
Peggy: sure boo- ill cover you :p
Peggy: see ya soon. <3
John: <3

When I finished reading I passed the phone back to Peggy, my face felt stiff with anxiety and worry. I was about to respond when Eliza came into the room with a glint of a smile.

"Its done. They've gone on a walk under that stars~" Eliza spoke in a dashing, dreamlike tone.

"God, you romantic bitch." Peggy rolled her eyes. Eliza glared at her with an 'You-read-until-1am-about-gay-romance-online-you-dipshit-don't-tell-me-I'm-the-romantic-bitch' look.

She turned to me, noticing my dishevelled hair and stained cheeks. "Alex! Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm fine." I smiled. Despite my sickening feeling, I felt better for a split second by smiling at her. Eliza nodded cautiously. "So, are we packing up now?" I inquired, wanting nothing more than to find John and talk to him again.

"We have only a few more things to do but yeah, we're leaving in a few. Get your stuff packed- Herc and Laf will be back at the hotel far later than us." With a wink, she strode off.

Peggy put a hand on my shoulder before I could start moving. "Hey. I suggest you give him some space. Just to talk to himself for a bit. Then we confront him tomorrow. Okay?" All I did was nod, turning away to pack up my stuff.

We finally got back to the hotel, a feeling of triumph wavering through the pack as we rejoiced in victory. I was the only one who was offset and wanted nothing more than to curl up next to him.

As everyone retreated back to their rooms, I stayed in front of my hotel room. I took a deep breath before unlocking the door and pushing it open.

It was completely gloomed in darkness, the only lights seen from the window. I could faintly see a figure in the bed, limp and curled. I sighed and closed the door. "John?" I whispered and sat on the edge of the bed.

He didn't respond or stir in the slightest. I turned my head towards the window, admiring the lively lights with defeat. "Why couldn't you have talked to me." My voice became scarce. "Why do you always shut me out. You do this to yourself and..." I leaned down to his soft face, staring into his galaxy of freckles. "You do this to yourself and it hurts me." My eyes closed. Drops of tears fell off my cheeks for the second time that night.

"Its silly, really. It's none of your business."

I shot my eyes open. John was coldly staring up at me, though I could scan a hint of remorse and guilt flashing in his eyes. He must have been awake the whole time. "John." I couldn't say anything properly and for a second we just stared at each other in silence.

John sat up, the covers wrapping his body up to his shoulders. "I can't tell you things because... it doesn't make sense."

"But- John"

"Look, Alexander-" I shivered. John never used my full first name. "There are some things I can't tell you because... I can't figure them out myself. So stop trying."

I couldn't believe him. This wasn't like him. He's never been this cold to me before. And it broke down a barrier of mine and slightly scared me. "John. That's unfair. You know I'm trying to help you and you should stop being stubborn and just talk to me."

He paused as if he was replaying my words. "You're not trying to help me. You just pity me." His words spilled out like a hiss.

"Pity you? Are you kidding me? At this point, I wouldn't even be talking to you if you weren't my boyfriend. You're being so difficult." I scoffed as my voice rose. I immediately relapsed on my words and nearly slapped a hand over my mouth. "John, oh my god."

John didn't even look at me, but I could tell he snapped. His voice turned into a snarl as he moved off the bed. "You know what, Alexander? I never ask you what's wrong with you- I never ask you whats troubling you, because you are happy. You don't know what I'm going through. You've never felt it- so you wouldn't know that I don't want to talk to you. Anyone else with this thing would know how it feels." Tear spluttered down his face as he got closer to me, pointing a finger into my chest accusingly. "So keep. Your mouth. Shut. Do not call me difficult when you don't know how it feels!" His voice echoed through my ears as he screamed.

I couldn't talk. I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything. I just limply stood backed up against the wall, my knees shaking.

John backed up with his head down, an unreadable expression glued to his face. He stood for a second before moving back to the bed, climbing in and covering himself up. I exhaled shakily. My mind was completely fuzzy. I needed to breathe. I started to hyperventilate silently and I clutched my chest. Fuck. Fuck. Oh god, what have I done? Why did I say that. I turned to focus on the lights of Paris. What a city of love it such was, huh. My forehead rested against the cool glass as I hazily watched the night sky and trees.

John's body became still, and after what felt like hours, I stumbled over to a spare side of the bed, trying to softly climb inside. John was turned from where I previously stood, and from what I knew, he was most certainly asleep. I knew that his characteristics of sleeping were his nose twitching slightly and his left index finger tapping against the pillow. He always does this when he slept. He must be asleep.

All I could hear before I drifted off was faint weeping.

John.
"John and Alex, Honey. It's time to get up now. We're going on the tour soon!" Theodosia's honey-sweet voice rang through the door as she knocked.

I already was awake. I had been for hours. I couldn't sleep when Mon Esprit's eyes blared at me from the back of my head. Reading my thoughts. When I was younger I used to think that if people stared at the back of my head they could read my thoughts. I guess it was true, from Mon Esprit's standards.

Everything that I said to Alex. All the negative emotions that Mon Esprit bottled up for me finally exploded and created... a living being. From what I could see. Mon Esprit became real. Not an imaginary friend. Not just my thoughts and my mind. He became a thing that talked to me. Someone I could interact with. After Alex fell asleep the night before, I started to silently weep. My final breakdown.

I clutched my throat as an attempt to breathe. Or to choke myself and drown in my own despicable misery. Alex slept with me in complete obliviation to what was happening to me.,.l

"What's gotten you sad 'now', Johnny?" Mon Esprit's voice spoke. Only this time it seemed real. I could hear it. I whipped my head around- and there behind me, a scribbled figure- a full sillohet of me but inked in childish scribbles, no face, no lips, no eyes, no hair. But he looked exactly like me. In even deeper marks were scribbles of different parts of Mon Esprit. Where his hair would be, his eyes, his cheeks, his mouth and his stomach.

I realised soon that this was every part of my body that I was uncomfortable with. I hate my hair, the colour of my eyes, my splotches of ugly freckles, my smile and my chubby stomach. Only Mon Esprit told me that these things about me were awful, funny enough. No one else said that I was ugly. Ever.

"N-Nothing," I replied. "Go away."

"Now we know that there's no way that can happen, John." Mon Esprit smiled eerily. A smile that cannot be seen or made of, he has no lips to smile.

"I just want to be alone again. I don't want to be...accompanied like this all the time." I whispered, barely audible.

"But don't you see? I'm here to tell you the truth. Always the truth." Mon Esprit shifted in front of me.

I couldn't move or breathe, nor could I even cry. I was new to Mon Esprit coming alive as an actual thing that followed my every move, but I also felt the familiarity there. Like he's been like this forever.

"Come on, Alex. John. Wake up." I snapped out of my flashback. Another knock at the door. Another beat of silence.

"Yeah, John. Wake up from this nightmare." Mon Esprit looked at me from the window.

"I wish," I mumbled under my breath. I wish this is a nightmare. I pray to god. I took one more glance at the window before replying to Theo, "I'm coming."

I quickly got out of my pyjamas and changed into a fresh set of clothes. I created my top down as Mon Esprit came across to me, hand on my waist and shoulder. "You look disgusting. Why even show up."

"Shut up," I mumbled again, forcing myself to walk towards the door and open it. Theo stood before me, wrapped in a purple cardigan that complimented her dark skin and topped with a tropical hat.

"Where's Alex?" Theo questioned.

"He's not here, I bet," I replied with an inch of sarcasm.

"Ah," she tilted her head in confusion, "Then who were you talking to?"

I turned around in the doorway to look in the hotel room, Mon Esprit nowhere to be found. "Just myself."

"Yeah, John, you were talking to yourself, huh?" Mon Esprit spoke again, echoing through my head this time. I ignored it.

"Yeah, okay then. Anyway, are you ready? We are going out to a really cool cafe before the tour to get something to eat. It's an LGBT cafe in the city!" Theodosia beamed and turned to walk down the hallway after I replied with a curt nod.

The feeling when life crumbles over your head, but it's still sunny outside.

The noon sun sat over our heads I sat silently, sipping my hot chocolate while the group engaged in conversation. Angelica, Aaron and Angie were in a conversation about the tourist attractions of Paris, Theo and Maira were conversing about family matters and on the other hand also in a heated argument with Laffyette and Hercules about Watermelon smoothies.

My eyes doubled over to Hercules and Laf again. Smiling giddily, arm in arm, leaning to each other; it made me slightly jealous. Or hurt that I couldn't do this with Alexander. I could of, but it wasn't such a good idea. I became so mad at him it would be crazy if he were to forgive me.

I scanned around. Alex and Peggy were nowhere to be found. Eliza explained to me this morning that earlier Alex and Peggy went out and would meet us later, and I was anxious to think what they were doing and what would happen when they get back. For now, it was just Angie, Aaron, Eliza, Laf, Herc, Maria, Theo and I.

"John, hon, what's up?" Eliza took my hand across the table. I jumped slightly but played a smile on my face.

"Nothing! I'm good. Just wondering where Alex and Pegs are." I lied through my teeth, feeling a smile of triumph from Mon Esprit who lurked at the back of my mind.

"I just got a text from them. They should be here in a minute." Eliza squeezed my hand a grinned before returning to a conversation. I huffed and tangled a piece of my curly hair and sipped my hot chocolate.

It seemed that no one knew of Alexander and my fight, except for Peggy. She was the only one who had coached me through getting my head together through this.

It felt like only a second until Peggy and Alexander wandered through the cafe doors, searching for our table. My heart had a shock and an attack in one, my senses heating up and making me sweat.

The two soon spotted us and sauntered over to our table; Alexander dragging back slower made my chest rise with anticipation with every step he took.

The two took a seat, Peggy planting a kiss on Maria's cheek and sitting next to her. Alex awkwardly scootched next to me, taking a seat and opening the menu without a word. I could feel Peggy's eyes beading down at the two of us. I couldn't say anything to him, as the "pathetic scrawny kid" I was, as Mon Esprit would recite. I just let my cheeks flush and burn as I scanned my eyes down at the menu.

A waiter soon came around to our table; the chattering ceased as the group was eager to start ordering- most of us hadn't eaten anything yet. "Bonjour, what may I get you all today?"

Eliza piped up first. As she spoke I droned off again, noticing different people entering and exiting the cafe. A young man with another man, holding hands. I wondered what their backstory was.

Angelica ordered next. I tuned out her order and noticed a man dressed in all deep, dark blue entered the door with a bag and walked over to the counter with a cheery smile.

Maria soon spoke. I could pick up the words 'French' and 'egg', but I was too busy scanning the cafe and watching other people again. Two women in casual dress, dining shyly and conversing across the table.

Laf then spoke, fluent French of course. I noticed three younger girls sitting with a middle-aged woman, chirping loudly with innocent but sensible giggles. I would guess that she would be the mother of one of them, but I wasn't one to stereotype.

Before my heart could react, I suddenly noticed the man in dark blue reached into his bag. I grew curious at first and tried to take a glance- but then clasped my hands to my mouth in pure horror and my heart froze in utter disbelief.

A scream echoed in the cafe, turning direction to this man.

He was holding a large firearm.

And he started to pull the trigger.

My world stopped. I clutched onto the closest thing I could find and shook in shock and fear. This couldn't be happening. Not now, not here. It's a vacation. It can't be true-

The gun fired, a dash of red splashing on the window like marked on paint.

Fuck.

Chaos leaked through the doors and windows, which seemed to be completely locked and could only fit through our creams of help.

We grasped to unlock the door without getting hit with a bullet- but the door was completely locked. My heart raced so miraculously I thought it would burst out of my chest.

My whole body would shatter in a second if I didn't calm myself down. The people around us swarmed into safety and toppled over a large table for us to take cover from the bullets with. I was at the end, even more, vulnerable to being hit and this made me extremely worried. I tried my hardest to clutch onto the person beside me (who was Angelica) to move out of reach from bullets.

I looked at my pale, trembling hands and came to an utter realisation. This is real. I am in a siege. The only way out is that backdoor. Either I try and run for it and get shot, or he comes over here and shoots us. Or we surrender. I have no choice. I'm going to die, aren't I?

The cafe turned silent. The man shooting started mumbling for us to come out so he could not just shoot us, but torture us because of our "deadly sins as being gay". This was unfair. Not even all of the customers here were for LGBT. Those poor kids. Just wanted to have a good time. A dead eerie silence rang through our heads when he paused.

I exhaled and turned my head to my right, catching eyes with chocolate brown hair. Alex sat crouched under a table. No protection. Just him cowering behind a table. He would get shot, I was certain of him. I started shaking more, desperately trying to grab his attention. With every whisper of his name, more tears built up in my eyes. "Alex. Please look at me."

Alex finally snapped his head around to meet my eyes, a sorrowful and terrified expression written on his face. "I'm sorry," he mouthed. "For everything."

I buried my face in my hands and quietly shook. I wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and beg me for forgiveness. Alex moved his arm to gesture something else but a sinister voice spoke first,

"Found you, fag." My breath hitched as the man aimed the gun at Alex. Everything stopped. There was no way this was happening.

A loud, piercing scream shook through my body, suddenly moving me to push from my hiding spot and fly against Alex's body and shielding him.

A gunshot echoed through the room and I could feel the wind whoosh towards me before my right shoulder became completely numb with hysterical pain.

The terror-stricken, white sheet expression on Alexander's face in front of me was the last thing I saw before my head became overwhelmed with a nauseating feeling and my body becoming light.

So.
Can I just say, this was not in any way promoting mental health and CERTAINLY NOT gun rights. I had watched a presentation in class about shootings and it sickens me. I want to raise awarness about the massive amount of deaths by gun shootings (most in america with over 10,000.)
so, this.

the bottom line says: "we won't sell kinder chocolate eggs in the interest of child saftey. why not assult weapons?"
this is an ad only about americas gun laws that i found. not to say that america is the only problem.
So, yeah. Guns legal is awesome, huh?
Chazz💜💜💜