It had been two weeks since that day in rehearsal where Alex and Kata started talking. They now walked down the hall together after ILA, discussing some of the details for their project.

"So I'll make the graph for the business plan tonight with Damini and you'll finish up the pitch script with Zoe?" Kata asked. Alex nodded.

"We'll send y'all the script when we're done so you can make any changes you want," Alex said, but Kata didn't seem to be paying attention. She was shooting eye daggers at something farther down the hallway. Alex soon saw that this something was Hunter and the blond girl that had told him off the other week.

"Who's that?" Alex asked softly. Kata seemed slightly surprised by the question, and about a week ago Kata wouldn't have known what she meant by her inquiring, but Kata was starting to pick up on what Alex meant by her few-worded questions.

"That's Katie- um Kate." she caught herself, knowing that Kate didn't like to be called Katie anymore. Alex looked at her thoughtfully. There was more that Kata wasn't saying. Kata glanced over at Alex. It was amazing how she could get Kata to talk by saying nothing at all. "She's my- well, we used to be really close, and we're still friends, but it's not the same."

Kata looked down at her feet, and Alex studied her for a second before nudging the other girl with her shoulder. Kata looked up and Alex gave her a small smile. "Friends drift apart and it sucks. That really sucks." Alex paused, looking at Kata. "If she and you aren't as close as you used to be then that's her loss." Because you're awesome. Alex thought, but she bit her tongue before saying so. It was true, Kata was awesome, but Alex didn't allow herself to say things like that to people. If she said that she cared about people or that she enjoyed their company, or even if she told them how awesome they were, then it made that fact so much more real, and when she lost them it hurt that much more.

Kata gave Alex a grateful smile. "Thanks, Alex," she said. The two girls stopped in front of Alex's locker. "I guess I'll see you in advisory?" Kata said, not wanting to go to orchestra. Alex looked at her in confusion.

"We're not in the same Monday advisory class though."

"Yeah I know, but we have advisory in the library today for suicide prevention," Kata answered. Alex took a sharp breath in, but Kata didn't seem to notice. "Oh crap I gotta go, I'm going to be late." Kata rushed, looking at the clock. She dashed off and was promptly told by a teacher to stop running. That left Alex to figure out how she was going to survive advisory.

***

P.E., lunch, and history passed slowly, Alex's stomach-churning throughout all of them. She desperately wanted an excuse to get out of going to the library, but she had never been a good liar. She knew she could ask her mom to pick her up, but she thought that would be a little ridiculous, and she would feel guilty for taking her mom away from work. In the end, Alex found her feet carrying her to the library against her will, and she was just hoping that she would make it through the lesson.

When Alex stepped into the room, the projector screen was pulled down and on it in big red letters read: "Suicide Prevention: If you see something, say something." Alex felt her stomach drop to the floor as she swallowed hard. She looked around for someone she knew, hoping they could keep her distracted, but the room was so packed that she couldn't pick anyone out of the crowd.

A few more people filed in behind Alex so she moved farther into the room and when she saw no open chairs, she sat criss-cross on the ground.
The bell rang but it was almost impossible to hear over the noise of all the students packed into the library. A teacher went up to the front of the room to quiet everyone down, then she started talking about the fact that this was a very serious and important lesson so everyone needed to be respectful and pay attention.

The powerpoint changed to the next slide. "What is Suicide?" it read. Alex started biting her lip. She tried her best to block out everything around her and started doing every exercise she remembered from therapy.

"Suicide is when a person intentionally takes their life. They feel overwhelmed and they think that ending their life is the only solution to their problems. That's not true, there's always another way, and no one has to result to suicide." the teacher said from the front of the room.

The slides changed again. "Warning Signs."

Alex shut her eyes momentarily and began drowning out everything around her.

"If someone says things like I wish I were dead...my life will never get better...you'd be better off without me...actions like withdrawing from loved ones...risky behavior..."

Next slide. "ACT. Acknowledge. Care. Treatment."

Everything became more and more muffled.

"...if you see something say something...can't keep it to yourself...you can prevent it...you can save a life..."

New slide.

"...act...save a life...prevent...tell someone...need help...you can prevent...you can...you..."

Slide.

"...save...a...life..."

Alex could no longer see what was on the slides. Her vision was blurry and she couldn't hear what was being said either. The noise in the room was replaced with ambulance sirens and the piercing cries of people around her. They pounded on the inside of her head and Alex wondered how everyone else seemed so calm until she realized she was the only one hearing anything. Alex looked around frantically for a teacher so that she could leave the library. She needed to get out of there.

The noises in her head started being accompanied by images and it was taking all of Alex's strength not to burst out crying.

"...act...you can help...you can save them..."

Alex couldn't take it anymore. She quickly got up and made her way to the doors. She slipped out as quietly as she could and as soon as she was outside the library she started running. She didn't know where she was going, just away from that room. From reminders. And maybe from her own thoughts.

Alex could no longer hold back her tears and it was becoming increasingly harder to breathe. Finally, she made her way to the fine arts hallway. She didn't know what was happening. Alex knew this had happened before, but everything in her head was fuzzy, and she couldn't remember anything. She just wanted someone to make all this pain go away.

Alex looked into Mr. Benj's classroom, but no one was there. She started shaking and gasping for breath. She couldn't breathe. Her throat was closing up.

Alex quickly made her way onto the stage and hid behind some set pieces so no one could find her.

Alex cried as quietly as she could, but her breathing was raspy and it felt like no air was getting to her lungs. Her throat was closing up and every inch of her body was shaking violently.

She held her head, wanting this to all stop. The ambulance. The shrieks. The cries. She could hear them all so clearly. It was happening all over again. She could practically feel the hands of the paramedics pushing her away, blocking her view. Everything was so loud. Alex's head was throbbing and she started clawing at her hair, her face, her arms, anything to get it to stop.

She started rocking herself and wrapped her arms around her legs. She was reliving the worst day of her life. She just wanted it to stop. Until it did. The sounds of ambulances and crying were replaced by running feet.

"No no no," Alex whispered to herself, crying harder. This was even worse. Right before it happened. "I don't wanna go back. I don't wanna go back." she whimpered over and over again. "I can't go back."

***

Running. Frantic footsteps. Her footsteps.

Adrian just ran off after telling Alex that she was the only good thing he had. He wasn't allowed to talk like that. Alex knew it was about to happen, something she had been afraid of for a long time. She had never been this afraid though. She burst through the door.

"Mamá! Mamá!" she screeched, tearing through the house throwing open the door to her mom's room.

"Alex what's going on?" she said, eyes filled with panic. Alex just shook her head forcefully, grabbing the car keys.

"We have to go find Adrian."

The two ran into the garage and Alex began tacking Adrian's phone. Adrian was at his house. A small wave of short-lived relief washed over Alex, but soon enough she was right back to panicking again.

Ms. Cairney asked her in the most steady tone she could muster what was going on, and Alex explained what had happened before Adrian ran off. Ms. Cairney sucked in a sharp breath and anger clouded over the worry in her eyes. She began muttering every conceivable cuss word known to man in Spanish.

It was no secret that much Adrian preferred Alex's family over his own. His brother was off at college, and his parents thought he was better off without them. They left for business trips for weeks at a time and were barely ever home so anything he needed parental advice for, he went to Ms. Cairney. The three had a special bond and most of the family traditions the Cairneys had, Adrian became a part of at some point.

Both Alex and her mom knew that Adrian was having a really hard time. He really didn't have anyone except the Cairneys. His parents were barely around, the kids at his school avoided him because they made him out to be some rich snob, his brother left the house and never looked back, and he didn't have anyone else in his life. He had told Alex on more than one occasion that he felt invisible and like no one would care if he disappeared tomorrow. After extensive online research, Alex, her mom, and Adrian concluded that Adrian probably had severe depression. The Cairneys tried to do whatever they could to help, they begged his parents to put him in therapy, but they wouldn't listen saying that there was no point and that Adrian was fine.

In less than two minutes, Alex and her mom arrived at Adrian's house and Ms. Cairney knocked furiously on the door. Adrian's mom answered it.

"Oh Mica what a nice surprise!" said Arian's mother, with a polite smile plastered on her face. Ms. Cairney stormed into the house, Alex running after her.

"Where's Adrian?" Ms. Cairney demanded. She had her fists clenched at her sides.

"Oh, he's just in his room why?"

"I need to see him!" Alex said, panic rising in her voice.

"And why's that? He's absolutely fine." Adrian's mother responded, sensing the fear in Alex's voice and trying to assure Alex, as much as herself with her calm words.

Alex tried getting around the older woman, but she looked frightened and wouldn't let Alex up the stairs to where Adrian was.

"Your son is not fine and she hasn't been for a while." Ms. Cairney growled.

"I think I know my son a lot better than you do Mica and I would appreciate it if you would get out of my house now." She pointed a strict finger to the door.

That was the final straw. Ms. Cairney's voice started rising in volume, something she did when she was scared.

"If you know him better than I do, then how come I was there for every moment when he needed a mother? How come I was there when he broke his arm and didn't know what to do because he had no one to drive him to the ER? How come I've been there for every single production and performance he's done? How come I was there when he said that he didn't know how much longer he could keep this up and that every day was waking up to another nightmare?" Ms. Cairney's volume spiked. "Again and again and again, never-ending! How come I was there when he said she was tired of being sad all the time and he thought the only way to stop it was to end it all?" Ms. Cairney's voice broke, and tears started streaming down her face as she continued yelling at the woman in front of her. "Why was I the one there when Adrian had a panic attack and said for the first time that he wanted to die? That he felt like any moment he was going to die! How come you didn't listen when I tried to tell you that he needs help! How come I was the one trying to help him through all this, but I couldn't give him everything he needed because I'm not his fucking mother!"

Adrian's mom was in shock from the scene in front of her, giving Alex a chance to run up the stairs, calling Adrian's name the entire time.

Alex threw open the door to Adrian's room and saw the whole thing in disaster. The contents of the bag from their sleepover were strewn all over the bed, and the contents of the desk were all over the floor. The desk drawer had been thrown wide open.

"Adrian." Alex sobbed.

Alex went down the hallway and stopped only for a moment because she thought she heard a noise. Alex stopped outside the bathroom and heard quiet muffled sobs. She heard something hit the bathtub, and then more cries, only softer.

Alex frantically jiggled the doorknob, but it didn't open. She ran off to find the metal rod she knew Adrian had in his room for picking locks. She quickly brought it back and jammed it in the little hole of the doorknob. Her hands shook, making it near impossible to hit what she needed to to get the door to open, but she finally did and the sight that she saw was not one she would ever forget.

Adrian was on the floor of the bathroom, wrists, and arms covered in blood that was still gushing steadily out of his wounds. There were two empty bottles of pills on the floor, and a bloody razor lay in the bathtub. Adrian knelt on the tile, fighting consciousness and Alex barely registered the shrieks coming out of her mouth. She ran over to and fell on her knees next to her friend. Adrian leaned back and collapsed in her arms.

"No!" Alex cried. She continued shrieking, not able to control anything coming out of her mouth. "No no no no no no!" She held close Adrian to her and sobbed, all her tears falling into Adrian's jet black hair. "Help! Help! Please!"

"Alex," Adrian rasped. Alex stopped all noises coming out of her. She held as still as she could. "I'm sorry. I-I couldn't take it anymore." His eyes filled with tears. Both their eyes did. "This isn't your fault. You need to promise me you'll keep going without me. You need to promise me that you'll be okay." Alex pressed her forehead to Adrian's, slick with sweat. She cried harder. Adrian weakly lifted up his hand, and Alex saw a folded piece of paper clutched in it. The two adults found the friends, and Adrian's mom stood there, paralyzed. She started silently crying, hands covering her mouth. Ms. Cairney on the other hand took one look at the scene before her and was filled with more anger. She took her phone and dialed 9-1-1.

"Take it." Adrian choked out. Alex took the blood-stained paper from him. "It has everything I want to say to you."

"The paramedics are on their way."

"Alex." Alex snapped her head back to her dying friend. "I think- I-I made a mistake. I had so much left to live, but it just wasn't getting better, and I just-" Adrian started crying, his body shaking but no tears coming out.

"No, no, you still have so much to live. You're going to be okay. They're going to help you. You're not going to die. You can't die." Alex started crying and shaking.

Adrian started saying something, but his words were so quiet that it only looked like he was mouthing words.

"I see you lying next to me..." Adrian's voice faded off again as Alex squeezed tears out of her eyes. She started singing softly with Adrian as Ms. Cairney wrapped Adrian's wrists to help stop the bleeding and started asking 911 what to do next.

"With words I thought I'd never speak. Awake and unafraid..." Alex's voice turned into sobs, but she silenced them as quickly as she could.

"I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone..."

"Alex." Alex immediately went silent. "I was afraid. I was afraid to keep on living." Both Adrian and Alex had a fresh round of tears. "I-I'm still afraid, but I-I want to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. I-I j-just want t-to live." Alex tried to quiet Adrian who was shaking violently, but she was shaking a lot herself.

"You're going to be okay. A, you're going to be just fine." Adrian's shaking gradually died down, and he began going limper in Alex's arms.

Alex could hear ambulances outside.

"I love you," Adrian said in a weak voice, but it was barely audible over the sounds of the sirens. Ms. Cairney flew out the door to bring the paramedics up to where Adrian was. Multiple people's feet pounded the stairs. Alex looked back at them, then to her friend again. Adrian's eyes started fluttering shut and his breathing slowed. Alex started crying harder.

"I love you too." she sobbed, as Adrian went unconscious.

"Ma'am we need to get to the patient."

"I need to stay with him." Alex cried, gripping Adrian closer to her.

"Please ma'am."

"He's my best friend!" Alex shrieked, kicking the man who was lifting her off the ground and dragging her back to her mom. She screamed, trying to see her friend, but the paramedics blocked her view. They lifted Adrian onto a stretcher and when they passed the three women, Adrian's mom started sobbing and shrieking from seeing what state her son was in. Ms. Cairney couldn't hold anything in any longer either, and all her anger disappeared as she let all her tears fall. Alex ran down the stairs, chasing after her best friend. "Adrian!" she screamed.

She went outside and was closely followed by the two mothers. The paramedics lifted Adrian into the back of the ambulance, and Alex tried to follow but was pushed away.

"I'm sorry, we can't allow anyone in."

Alex's tears started falling even harder, and they didn't stop the whole car ride to the hospital. She clutched Adrian's words tightly, not able to open them.

The three women waited outside Adrian's hospital room for what felt like forever, each of them shedding tears until their sobs became dry and their shoulders merely shook with everything they wanted to cry.

Eventually, a doctor came out with a grim look on his face, and Alex realized she was never going to see her friend again. She hadn't gotten to him in time, and even with the knowledge in her head it still felt like her insides were being torn apart at the doctor's words.

"I'm so sorry. We couldn't save him."

***

Alex sat on her bed, crying and clutching Adrian's last words in the palm of her hand. She never opened it. Months and she still didn't know what it said. She didn't think she would ever have the strength to know

10/29/16
Dear Ocean,
The Ocean always knew
I think so did I
I could just never place my finger on what
I've known it's my fault
But not known what to do
The Ocean knew I belonged in it
Not good enough for land
Not good enough for the sun to kiss my skin
For the birds to know my song
For the trees to stop and wave
For the stars to wink
For the people to see me
They turn their faces away-
Ashamed
Even the Ocean only lets me refuge in the coldest waters
It won't let anyone see my through the darkness
And leads me to a cave that should be home
Empty
And black
A void that refuses to be filled
As I sit and wish myself to fade away
I turn my face away-
Ashamed

***

A/N: I want to use this a/n to remind everyone who may be reading that I am always here to PM if anyone needs to talk about anything. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know. I will listen to you without judgment and I don't even have to say anything if you don't want me to, I can just be a listening ear. I'm always just one message away.

Love,

Sunny <3 <3 <3