XVII

"Rows and rows, mouths of fjords

I swim in them in my dreams

Oh baby, I'll carry your disease

That darkness that lives inside you deep

Oh honey, I'll put up a fight with death"

"Hypnos" - Chelsea Wolfe

The last few days before the test both whipped by and seemed to drag on at the same time. Harper lost sleep at night not because she was scared of who might be looking into her head, but because she was excited to start training with Carson to in turn train initiates when the next year came around. The morning of the test, less than hours away from that final thing that held her back from being Dauntless, she found herself at the big silver tables with Eliza and Jenner. There were others, but it was only the three of them with their heads leaned in laughing or chatting about whatever would distract them from what was coming up. Harper found herself worrying for Eliza more than anyone else, and began to wonder who else out there was like her. Why did her tester tell her not to tell anyone?

It was impossible to tell if anyone else was like Eliza, Harper only knew that she herself, was not.

She surveyed her surroundings; some people were picking at their food, others were eating so much and looked like they were ready to burst. Some people had reverted back to old habits like nail biting and tapping their foot rapidly underneath the table, disrupting the people around them. Harper ran over her fears in her head over and over again, trying to remember how to tackled them in the simulations, and telling herself that she would get through this with ease. 

With her vision floating around the room, she was able to spot Eric overlooking the mess hall as he had the first night that she had ever eaten in Dauntless. When their eyes locked together, he dipped his head slightly in a respectable manner, and only when he was sure no one would see, he closed a single eye in a playful wink. Harper only grinned back, and turned away before he had the chance to be the first to look away. With her back to him, she smiled to herself, and finished off her breakfast.

"Well, I guess I'll see you two on the other side." Jenner looked eager, determined to take this on. He said nothing about what fears he had to face, but he didn't look as though he were about to be forced to face all of his fears, and Harper admired that.

"Do you have your plans figured out for after?" Harper asked quickly, as they had a few minutes to spare.

Jenner nodded. "I've known I was going to work security since I was born."

Eliza gaped. "You have work plans?"

The two of them nodded, and Harper shot a forlorn glance at Eliza. "I lucked out, I really did. I don't think anyone else who transferred has plans."

"I am such an idiot," she muttered to herself. "I should just leave, be factionless."

"Hey," Harper grabbed her shoulders, "don't think like that, you know that wouldn't be a better option."

"But-"

"No." Harper took control of the situation. "You're going to go in there, face your fears, celebrate tonight, and then we'll start thinking about jobs."

"But you already have one," she huffed.

"So I can put my time into helping you find one," Harper declared. "Don't add this to the list of fears you already have to face."

Jenner was gone, and so Harper leaned in and whispered to Eliza. "You're something special, you know that? Your secret will die with me, but Eliza, I think you're going to be far more important than you know."

That put a smile on her face.

***

When it was her turn to sit in that daunting looking chair; large and metal, in the center of a large circle of viewers, Harper felt the mixture of excited and nervous, something that she had been feeling a lot of lately. Her eyes spotted Jeanine Matthews first, and she averted her attention to the chair in order to get this over with. What was Jeanine doing here anyways? Well, Harper had an idea, obviously, but she didn't like that the leader of Erudite was watching over the final initiation test of another faction. It seemed as though she was making it blatantly obvious that she was seeking people out, or perhaps looking for the ones like Eliza to stop them from being that dent in humanity.

Sliding into the chair, Harper smiled up at Xander, who was the one monitoring the simulation, injecting the serums. She had never met him, spoken to him, but she had seen him around. His face was well carved, like a statue of perfection. His eyes looked tired, as though they had seen too much in his life. But Xander gave a small smile back, and his voice had a slight hint of an accent, something that didn't turn up much at all. It was subtle, though, as if it was just a way of speech that he was born with. It sounded nice in Harper's ears. "Good luck."

"Luck has nothing to do with it," she replied as Xander slipped the serum into the gun.

He threw a grin in her direction. "You truly are Erudite, aren't you?"

"No," Harper said as the needle plunged into her neck, "I'm Dauntless now."

Xander was gone; everything was gone because Harper couldn't see. With her heart rate only picking up a fraction of an amount, Harper told herself that her eyes were not her most important sense, every sense had a role to play. Fine tuning her ears, she heard clattering, laughter, chatter. She used her nose to smell her surroundings. Sweat and food; a terrible combination but she knew that she was in the mess hall; no. She was close to it. She could hear the river below and she walked along, using her fingers to touch the wall, tapping her foot ahead of her to ensure that there was ground before planting her foot. She made it into the loud mess hall, and found a knife, and then used it to cut her blindfold off.

She was standing on the edge of the ravine, and two hands shoved her, and she fell down into the waters below. It should have killed her, that fall, but instead she plunged into those icy cold waters and swallowed it in. Kicking to get her head above the water, she managed to get a gulp of air even though her lungs were burning from water being forced into them. Her mind was telling her that she needed to grab something and pull herself out of the forceful current, to get her head out of the water. Undoing her belt, she wrapped either end around her hands once so that she had a strong grip, and then got above the water. She spotted a jagged rock, and threw her hands around it. The belt caught and her body was whiplashed in the water, but she managed to get herself out of the river and into the burning city.

She ran, ran through all the people trying to kill her. When she looked at the ground, she saw Eliza's body on the ground. Blood dribbled from her mouth, and Harper realized that they were killing people like her. Forcing herself to continue, though the image of Eliza's corpse burned into her head, she made it to the top of the building, the only pristine one. A faceless man was controlling the panels that controlled the people, and she raised her gun and fired the shot before he even looked up. 

She ended it, then two people grabbed her and she found herself woken up with ice cold water being tossed over her body. Strapped down in an ugly metal chair, she found herself opposite another faceless man, only he had features, they were just darkened by shadows that always seemed to be there. When he began to torture her, she held back her screams, proving that she wouldn't cave under pain. Beside her was a cart of knives, and when the man disappeared to grab some other form of torture, she managed to nudge it closer with her foot, and she squeezed her hand out of the restraints, grabbed the knife, freed herself. It all happened so fast; the man came back in and she plunged the knife into his belly.

When the knife was withdrawn, she watched the man crumple, his features forming those of her fathers. Instead of collapsing on the floor and crying, holding his body until she died. She glanced at the knife, and then at her father. He was groaning, about to speak, and Harper knew that if he spoke, he would give everything away. Her fear was not that she would fail him anymore, but that he would ruin her chances. And so she brought the knife down to his throat, and before she ended his life she whispered. "I love you, Dad. This is for the best."

The simulation came to and end, and Harper didn't jerk in the seat this time. She woke and a few people were muttering; she could see Jeanine talking to someone, a clipboard in her hand. Harper felt shaken to her core. Even though it had only been a simulation, she did something different in that one than all of the other ones. Instead of promising her father that she would avenge his death, that she would do anything she could to not fail him, she had killed him. Prevented him from speaking, prevented his words from possibly exposing her to Jeanine and Eric. A smirk fell upon her lips, not because of the pseudo-memory of killing her father, but from finally figuring out how to stop his looming presence from putting a dent in her plans. The irony of that; her father putting a dent in the plans that he had created for her.

"Well done," Xander said, "you are officially Dauntless."

"Thank you," she said, sliding out of the chair and walking with surprisingly sturdy legs towards the door.

From a side view, she spotted someone approaching her. It was Eric, his arms folded over his chest as he neared her. With a single eyebrow raised he looked as though her were impressed but was hiding something. She didn't fret, and figured she would get it out of him sooner or later. She stopped walking and waited for him to reach her, and when he did, she waited for him to speak. He had finally seen inside of her head, seen her fears, understood some of what made her tick. "Drowning, really?"

Of course he was here to make fun of her. She didn't take it personally, and was just glad he didn't mention her father. "I bet you'd be terrified if you found yourself in that damn river."

He laughed. "Mines burning."

She blinked. He had just exposed a fear without her having to dig. "That's fair."

"Congratulations."

"Eric? Being sincere?" Harper widened her eyes to pretend to be in pure shock.

"It is a rare commodity." He grinned, but then his smile began to fade. A more authentic and respectable expression took over his face. "Jeanine."

The woman appeared out of nowhere. "Hello, Eric."

"I'm overlooking the simulations, I don't have time to talk," he said curtly.

"Oh, I'm not here to talk to you," she said as-a-matter-of-factly. "I'm here to talk to Harper."

Both Eric and Harper had curious looks upon their faces, but Harper was simply using hers to cover her worry. Her eyes met with Eric's for a brief second, and then she turned her head to Jeanine and offered a small, polite smile to show that she was ready to talk. Eric cleared his throat. "I'll leave you to it then."

When he was gone, Harper thought it would be easier to look at Jeanine, but it wasn't. Knowing that the two of them worked together, and knowing that Eric trusted her, it made her believe that he might stand up for her or protect her when it came down to it. Though she knew Jeanine wouldn't pull anything right away, Harper knew that she wasn't beyond poisoning people, and she made a mental note to check everything she was going to eat for the next week at least. She brushed the sweat from her palms and looked up at Jeanine.

"Walk with me," Jeanine suggested, though it was more a command. She began walking before Harper could even agree. 

Harper took a shaky step and began to follow her father's murderer.