Chapter Twenty-Two

I don't want a safety net

3rd person pov

it was the college fair today so blake walked into the school with eli and demetri as they walked around and looked at the pamphlets. that was when miguel and sam walked over to them, blake was holding elis hand and her head was rested on his shoulder as she looked at the other couple and they smiled at the sight of them making blake smile back and then shake her head as she looked around for anything else to do right now 

"hey! all of our trials and tribulations of nerdom have finally come to this. we're the belles of the ball. they are fumbling around our dresses trying to cop a feel of our tantalizing brains" Demetri said and Blake turned to sam and then she turned to miguel 

"well i am gonna go with sam and look around because that hurt my head, ill see you later" she told the trio as she kissed hawk and then wrapped her arm around sams as they walked off and away from the three boys together and blake laughed 

"so where have you been looking?" she asked the girl and sam held up four phamplets and blake smiled with a shake of her head 

" Let me guess all close to Stanford?" Blake questioned and Sam nodded 

" Well not all of them there's a few that aren't close but I don't know if I can handle long distance even when Miguel was in Mexico I had a hard time, Where have you been looking?" Sam asked and Blake held up a few phamplets as well 

" Demetri keeps trying to tell me that since him and Hawk are going to MIT that I need to find somewhere close to there but I don't know if Hawkins actually talked to him because apparently I know more than demetri does" She spoke and Sam turned to her 

"meaning?" sam pushed and blake sighed as she ran a hand through her hair and looked around to make sure that nobody could hear her, especially not hawk or demetri. 

" He hasn't applied to MIT because he wants to look at other schools and Demetri is going to be heartbroken but I don't want to base my life off my boyfriend and I'm not saying that it's a bad thing.  I'm just saying that since this whole karate thing has happened I haven't been able to be my own person in a while. And college is my chance for people to know me as more than just his girlfriend or this girl who does karate, I want to be more than that but I don't... I don't want people to look at my past and base me off of that, you know. ever since this whole thing has started I've tried to find ways to be myself  my name, hair dye, piercings, tattoos ,but nothing separates me from karate and Blake who used to be a nerd and loved DC more than she loved Marvel. Sometimes I miss that Blake a lot of times I miss that Blake but I never show her because people never got to know her the way they knew karate me and I guess I hid her for too long" She ranted to sam and Sam watched her as she sighed and nodded 

" I never knew you liked any of that stuff" Sam stated and Blake nodded 

" I don't show it as much. I care about people and I have so many thoughts and ideas about the world and everything but I don't show it because I don't think any one would ever understand why I think the things I think. sometimes I wonder if I'm just meant to be Blake who does karate and not Blake who loves DC and space and reading and writing and my cat Venus and these things that make me sometimes I wonder if I'm just supposed to be karate Blake and honestly I'm sick of being her" She told the girl and Then Sam finally realized something 

" Hawk reminds you of the girl you used to be you stay with him because he lets you be a nerd and because you love him but because he sees a part of you that nobody else sees" Sam said and Blake nodded 

" Yeah you're not wrong I mean I've never showed myself to anyone the way I've showed myself too hawk I just got so used to being around him and him accepting this nerd that I was. I've been terrified of change in my whole life whenever something happens that's big and important I tend to think of all the ways that it could be destroyed, so college is terrifying because I'm realizing that I have to go into this world alone. High school was a great experience for me but it didn't help me along the way of life the way I needed it to, And I don't want to live in this high school bubble that I keep going back to because it's safe. I don't want a safety net" Blake spoke

" Then let yourself fall ignore everything you've learned and let yourself feel what you need to feel because high school is over for us pretty soon and we have to learn how to live on our own with or without the people we started high school with. You don't need a safety net you need security and I think college can do that for you Blake but you have to let it do that" Sam told her 

" It's just terrifying because what if I fail what if I start doing what I'm doing and then I just fail it's scary and I don't want to be terrified any more but I don't know how to do that. Every time I applied to a college I get scared that I won't be accepted and then I start to back out and then maybe I start to think I don't need a degree and I don't need college which is probably a lie but it's what I keep thinking about. And it's weird and I don't want to put all of this on you because you have your own shit and quite frankly I feel terrible for putting this all on you but you're the only person who's even bothered to ask. Demetri Keeps leading Eli away to talk about MIT and I'm starting to realize that i'm going to be alone because I don't want to go to MIT and I don't want to go to Ivy League colleges. I'm my own person and college actually gives me the chance to explore that and I'm not saying that I want to break up with him cause I don't but I think I need to find out who I am without relying on someone" Blake told sam and Sam smiled at her 

" It's kind of funny to think how far me and you have come cause I used to think that you hated me and and you would never want to speak to me and now we're close and talking about college and I'm starting to realize that everything I used to think about you is a complete lie. I was crowded by the judgment of the people I was friends with and that caused me to look at you in a terrible way and I'm sorry for that. But I'm really glad that you trust me and I'm really glad that we're able to have this conversation without you punching me in the face. So I say we go about this day normally we keep looking at colleges and we stick with each other because we both have boyfriends who want to or are going to colleges that are basically the most popular and I think we have to stick with each other" Sam said and Blake nodded as she hugged the girl and sam hugged her back. 

" What if if we end up at the same college I mean like that would be crazy but I would actually know some one in it wouldn't be terrible. Thank you for being a good friend, sam" Blake said and Sam nodded as they walked off and continued to talk to each other about colleges and their boyfriends. 

but for once someone else than eli gave her the security that she needed and she loved it. it felt good to be honest with someone even if they were barely close before.

-ABBYS NOTES-

realizing that i never gave sam and blake any moments until now is soul shattering to me because theyre one of my fav friendships and im so sad that i never wrote something for them so heres this!