❝𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝖘𝖎𝖌𝖓 𝖔𝖋 𝖆 𝖇𝖊𝖆𝖚𝖙𝖎𝖋𝖚𝖑 𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖘𝖔𝖓 𝖎𝖘 𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖙
𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖞 𝖆𝖑𝖜𝖆𝖞𝖘 𝖘𝖊𝖊 𝖇𝖊𝖆𝖚𝖙𝖞 𝖎𝖓 𝖔𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖘.❞
- 𝖀𝖓𝖐𝖓𝖔𝖜𝖓

Your POV:

"(Y/n)? Hey," Taehyung seemed concerned and I quickly brought my hand to my eyes, rubbing out the tears but I felt like it was useless. More tears seemed to bubble underneath.

"Ah, no, just something in my eyes," I said softly, giving him a fake smile which he totally ignored along with my words. 

"No you're crying," he narrowed his eyes. "What happened, (y/n)? Tell me."

"It's nothing," I gave a small laugh to distract him form how hurt I felt. I wanted to let him know. I wanted him to say nice things about me. I'm so disgusting and pathetic, I make myself sick. "Just that Minho and Gunmin think that we shouldn't be paired together and maybe I'll be better off with Mookjae-ssi."

Taehyung's eyes returned to their normal size as he took in my words. He placed his hand on my shoulder and new tears burst out.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice shaking. My breathing was very uneven now as more and more warm tears bubbled to the surface. "I just... Am I so ugly that they don't want to put you next to me? Just because I'm fat, does that mean they have to pair me with the fat guy? I'm sorry I'm making an issue of this but it just hurts, Taehyung."

"I know," he said, pulling me into a side hug as he looked down into my eyes. "I'll tell them that I want to be paired with you. I should have done that long ago."

He let go and stood up, walking over to the four where they were discussing the pairs. I heard Taehyung say, "Hey guys, I just wanted to let you know that I wanna be paired with (y/n). Is that okay? I mean, we should be allowed to be with who we want to be with, right?"

"I guess if you want to," Minho shrugged. Chaeri squealed and Jae-hee just smiled in amusement while Gunmin scribbled something down. 

"Thanks," Taehyung gave them a grin before walking back to me and sitting down. "Eul-soo will be here any moment. But I wanna talk to you after this, (y/n)."

I didn't say anything, just gave him a nod as I wiped away my tears and forced no more to come. I should be happy now; Taehyung did become my partner like I wanted.

Except the hurt didn't leave.

●◐○

"Yeah, we just wanna talk so you go ahead," Taehyung flashed Eul-soo a smile. "I'll drop her at your dorm if you're worried, okay? Just leave us alone now, go!!"

Eul-soo smirked at the last line but she left with her arms held up in a surrender pose. Everyone was leaving since we were done discussing and Taehyung waited for them to disperse so we could ‘talk’. I saw Chaeri walking to us, looking concerned.

"Hey (y/n)," she said when she stopped two feet away from me. "Are you okay? I saw you looking sad and you looked like you cried. I'm sorry, I didn't know you would be hurt by my teasing..."

"It's not that," I reassured her. "I'm okay now."

She looked at me for a few more seconds before nodding. Then she gave a wave and walked over to where Jae-hee was waiting for her, holding their purses. Jae-hee waved to us so we waved back.

It was turning dark now so Taehyung and I walked over to sit on one of the benches on the path to our dorms. When the path was clear of all students, he turned to face me.

"(Y/n)..." He looked sad. "Do you really think that about yourself? That you're ugly?"

"I mean, yeah," I gave him a sad smile. "Nobody ever says to me that I'm beautiful, y'know. They don't tell me I'm ugly to my face either but that's just people being polite. But I think that's the truth they just don't want to drop on me."

"(Y/n), no," Taehyung shook his head, looking like a sad and heartbroken puppy. "Why would you think that? You're not ugly."

"Taehyung," I swallowed thickly, feeling the tears coming up again. I should just vent out instead of crying but I ended up doing both. "I've seen those quotes about how we shouldn't care what the society thinks of us and everything. About how it's the beauty inside that matters. But in the real world, Taehyung, no one tries to look past the face and get to know people. It's so hard for me to look at people and wonder if they're comfortable talking to me."

Taehyung was patiently hearing me out and I had too much inside me to say.

"It's so easy to talk to beautiful people because you carry the assumption that they must beautiful inside too. But I'm not beautiful on the outside. Or maybe even inside. I'm a selfish person who wants those around her to like her and want her and need her. I'm a possessive and insecure person who just doesn't want to be replaced by someone better than me. I'm a bit manipulative when I try to make those around me give me praise and compliments by asking questions trickily. 

"I'm such a horrible person that I can't see myself and feel happy about who I am. But I can't change who I am. I've tried but my insecurities don't go away. Even the guy I like won't like me back because even if he gets to know me as a person, that still won't be enough."

"Then don't," he said quietly. I stopped and looked at him in confusion. His head was down, staring at his lap. "Don't like a guy who can't accept you the way you are. You deserve someone better, someone more accepting who can love you and give you all that you deserve."

"Deserve?" My empty laugh seemed to ring in the empty pathway. "Taehyung, I just want someone to look at me. To think that I look beautiful when they do so. To smile when they see me laugh. Someone I can make happy. Someone who can make me happy. I just want someone to love and accept me the way I am. And I have yet to meet someone who can. And I think that I never will meet someone like that."

"You will find that someone," Taehyung said determinedly, looking up to gaze intensely at my eyes. I gave a tired sigh, looking down at my lap for a second before looking up.

"Would you?" I knew I was being manipulative again, trying to get him to say yes and knowing I could essentially ruin our friendship but I'm so tired. So tired of hoping. So tired of running after something that will never run after me. "Would you be that someone, Taehyung? You've got to know me. Tell me then. You're a guy too. Tell me, would you love someone like me?"

The expected answer was him to be hesitate and then admit a no. Instead, he hesitated then said–

"I would, (y/n). I really do."

◣◥◣◥◣◥◤◢◤◢◤◢

Updated/Published On:
20th September 2020
20/09/2020

A/n:
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I wrote you a 600 something worded apology letter.