The Happy Fortress
1:25 A.M.

Charlie woke up the way she did everyday. With a smile on her face and a positive attitude in her heart. She dressed herself for work and walked out into the Hotel. She started thinking about the humans that arrived yesterday.

She thought about something interesting that they told her.

-Flashback-

"Well, 2020 will certainly be an interesting year." Charlie said.

All of the Mercs suddenly went wide eyed.

"What... the fuck... did you just say?" Nate asked.

"The year is 2020, dumb-shit." Luna replied.

The mercs all looked at each other.

"You mean ta tell us dat we've been flyin' through a portal for over 50 years?" Scout asked.

"50 years?" Repeated Angel Dust.

"Last time Heavy and team were on earth, year was 1967." Heavy replied.

-End flashback-

1967, huh?

Charlie was thinking of meals from the 60's that she could make the humans. Unfortunately nothing came to mind. So, she did the next best thing. She thought of meals she knew how to cook and hoped that the mercs would like them.

She walked into the Hotel lobby... and was surprised to find that the humans were already awake. Heavy was by himself eating a sandwich, Pyro was staring at the fireplace, Demo was drinking with Husk, and Sniper and Spy were talking with Moxxie, Milly, and Blitzo.

"Mornin'."

Charlie turned around and saw Fender standing behind her.

"Oh, hey Fender. Where's Nate and the others?" Charlie asked.

"Nate and Engi went with Medic on an errand, and Vaggie decided she'd go with them. And in case your wondering, Soldier's doing his daily 0100 assault on France right now." Fender replied.

"At 1 in the morning?" Charlie asked.

Fender shrugged.

"Part of mercenary life. Sleep as long as you want, stay awake long enough to survive." He replied.

Charlie wondered what the mercs day to day lives were like. Yes, they were paid to beat each other shitless, but that couldn't be something they did every day... right?

Charlie ignored the thought and asked a different question.

"So, what did Medic need to get?" Charlie asked.

Fender stiffened at the question.

"Um... let's just say that he's into medicinal science... a little too into it." Fender replied.

"How so?" Charlie questioned further.

"Uh... okay, don't tell him I told you this. Medic was trained during a time where the Hypocratic Oath was downgraded to a Hypocratic Suggestion. That's not a joke, either. So, as you can imagine, he's not exactly a doctor you would want to operate on you." Fender explained.

Charlie was a bit unnerved by the explanation.

Fender walked off to do his own thing. Charlie then overheard the conversation between the five contract killers.

"I'm sorry, but there's no difference between a crazed gunman and an assassin." Explained Moxxie.

"Of course there be a difference! Ones a job and the other is mental sickness!" Retorted Sniper.

Spy stiffened, knowing where this conversation was going. And it brought back some bad memories.

"How is being an assassin a job?" Asked Milly.

"Because assassins are professionals. And professionals have standards. One: be polite." Sniper began.

-flashback-
1965
TuFort
New Mexico
12:37 P.M.

Spy managed to get across the bridge unseen by the BLU team. He was at the entrance of BLU base, when something had suddenly hit him. He noticed that he was covered in a yellow liquid that had a fucking awful smell. That meant only one thing.

Jarate.

"Take that you filthy backstabbin' spook!" Sniper jeered above him.

Then Sniper blew Spy's head off.

-End flashback-

"Two: Be efficient." Sniper continued.

-flashback-
1967
Dustbowl
New Mexico
2:03 P.M.

Spy was running away from Sniper, who was trying to hack him to death with his machete.

"Get back here ya' punta'!" Sniper shouted.

Unfortunately, there were no health kits around, so that meant Spy would just have to keep running, or suffer a slow and very painful death.

While Spy chose option 1, he ended up with option 2, after he tripped on a rock.

His death took 4 seconds. A long fucking time when you've been working with these guys for 5 years.

-End flashback-

"Lastly, and arguably most important: have a plan to kill everyone you meet." Sniper finished.

-flashback-
1964
BLU Base
New Mexico
3:42 A.M.

Spy's head sat in Medic's refrigerator. As it had for a month now. And the worst part was, it was still alive. Spy wanted somebody to kill him so that he didn't have to be a disembodied head anymore.

He heard someone near the fridge. When it opened, it revealed Sniper. Sniper grabbed a beer from the fridge.

"Aces!" He exclaimed.

"Kill me." Spy said.

"Nah." Replied Sniper.

Then Sniper closed the fridge.

-End flashback-

"You alright, Spy?" Asked Blitzo.

"I... I think I'll go wake up Scout." Spy replied.

Sniper snickered, knowing exactly what was going through Spy's head.

Charlie, on the other hand didn't. So, she let Spy be and continued on to start her daily routines. She noticed that she was a bit understaffed, given that Vaggie wasn't here. She looked to Heavy, who was still eating his sandwich.

"Hey, Heavy?" Charlie asked.

The big Russian looked at the young demoness.

"I was, uh... wondering if you would... be willing to help out with something?" She asked with a nervous smile, not knowing how the hulking Mercenary would react.

Luckily for her, he responded with a warm smile.

Somewhere on the streets of Hell

"Remind me what we're doing again?" Asked Angel Dust.

"Collecting corpses to help satisfy Medic's disturbing curiosity." Answered Nate.

"This, like, a fetish or something?" Angel asked.

"Knowing Medic, it very well might be." Nate sighed.

Medic and Engi load another corpse into the Limousine.

"Why is he collecting corpses in the first place, anyway?!" Shouted Vaggie, who was sickened by this whole errand.

"Because exotic organs need to come from somevhere, unless you are suggesting zat zey appear out of thin air. And now zat we are in a place vhere no one cares vhat we do, my research no longer requires funding." Medic explained.

Then Medic loaded another corpse into the limo.

"Doc likes to research organs from various endangered species and people with different kinds of diseases. Now, he's added demons to the list." Engi explained.

"Well, now there's an interesting tid-bit. Y'know, I can offer my organs if you'd like. Of course, I'd have to charge a fee." Explained Angel, that perverted smirk of his appearing on his face.

"Let me guess... sex?" Guessed Nate.

"Bingo, sugar-tits!" Exclaimed Angel Dust.

"Knowing Medic, he would probably take ya' up on that offer. He'll do just about anything to conduct his experiments." Engi explained.

Medic and Nate loaded a eighth and final corpse into the car.

"No! Absolutely not! The Hotel is supposed to be a place to discourage that kind of behavior!" Vaggie shouted.

Nate leaned over to her.

"Good call. I do not want to know what Medic's sex noises sound like." Nate shuddered.

Now that they had what Medic came for, they all loaded into the car and began driving back to the Hotel. On the way, Nate told Engi and Medic about a camping trip with Demo and Sniper that went horribly wrong. To Vaggie's surprise, it was a peaceful tale. Well, as peaceful as you can get with the Mercs.

When they arrived at the Hotel, they started to unload the corpses they had collected... but stopped when they heard screaming coming from inside the lobby.

"What's going on in there?" Vaggie asked, concerned.

They opened the door, and were greeted with a shocking sight.

Scout was on fire.

"OH! OH, I'M BURNIN'! I'M BURNIN'!" He cried out in pain.

"HOLY SHIT!" Blitzo shouted.

Pyro was in the back of the room, jumping up and down while patting his hands. Almost as if he was enjoying the scene of chaos.

Vaggie suddenly got a fire extinguisher from out of nowhere. Unfortunately, Pyro tried to stop her from using it.

"Pyro, no! I know you like fire, but this ain't the time!" Engi exclaimed.

Engi got Pyro off of Vaggie, then Pyro responded by pulling out his flamethrower.

"Pyro! Qué demonios estás haciendo?! Don't use that in here!" Nate shouted.

The chaos was brought to a halt when Soldier kicked down a door, released a mighty battle cry from inside of him, then blew Scout to pieces with his rocket launcher. Unfortunately for Nate, some of Scout's blood got in his mouth.

"Oh! It's in my mouth! It's in my mouth!" He shouted as he ran to the nearest bathroom.

Charlie and Vaggie were horrified at the sight. Bits and pieces of Scout scattered across the lobby. And the worst part, Soldier stood on the remains of Scout's chest like he just did a good thing.

"Ahh... I love the smell of a kicked ass in the morning." Soldier said.

"Y-... you... what have you done?" Muttered a traumatized Charlie.

"I put out the fire." Soldier said proudly.

"You-... YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM!!!" Vaggie roared.

Soldier picked up Scout's head.

"Ah, he'll be fine. Won't you, ya' pansy?" Soldier asked the head.

"FINE?! FINE?! HE'S FUCKING DEAD!!! YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM!!!" Vaggie shouted.

Soldier was about to say something, until Nate came out of the bathroom and spoke first.

"Normally you would be right. But I agree with Soldier on this one. Scout'll be fine." Nate said.

"W-What? What do you mean?" Asked Charlie.

"I mean that Scout will be back in 3... 2... 1..." Nate counted down.

Then, as if on cue, Scout was reincarnated in front of all of them.

"Dat... really freakin' hurt." He said.

"W-wha-... how the fuck is he...?" Milly stuttered.

"Oh, tha'. Tha' is one o' Medic and Engineer's greatest creations." Demo answered.

"Respawn technology." Fender elaborated.

"'Respawn'? You mean...?" Angel Dust asked.

"Yep." Scout answered.

Heavy took out a shotgun and blew Spy's head off.

"Heavy can do that to little baby men, and they will be back in 3 seconds." Heavy explained.

Then Spy respawned in front of everyone.

Then Luna pieced something together.

"Wait, so when you guys killed each other in those videos, that wasn't bullshit CG? You actually killed each other?" She asked.

"Aye. Sounds about right, lass." Replied Demo.

Suddenly, a low growl was heard in the room.

"Sorry, that was me." Engi explained.

"Come. Heavy made sandviches for baby men." Heavy said.

Then the mercs left the lobby, leaving behind dumbfounded demons.