Spineless Snakes

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For my own reasons, I decided to make up my own Hazbin Hotel lore. You'll see in a moment.
The Happy Fortress
1:04 A.M.

Once again, Charlie woke up to start the day. Just like Yesterday, she had a smile on her face and a positive attitude. She walked out into the lobby of the Hotel and was greeted with a similar sight as yesterday.

Heavy was eating a sandwich (or sandvich, as he called them) and talking to Nifty about a girl named Sasha. Engineer was talking with Vaggie at the bar. Demo, Husk, Soldier, and Angel Dust were drinking together. Spy was talking with the IMP employees. And just like yesterday, Pyro was staring at the fireplace.

Charlie noticed that a few people were missing.

"Where's Nate, Medic, Fender, and Sniper?" She asked.

"Nate , Fender, and Scout are in Medic's room working with those organs that we collected yesterday." Engineer replied.

Charlie suddenly remembered the eight corpses that Medic, Nate, Vaggie, and Angel Dust brought back yesterday. It also elicited an interesting question from the Mercs.

-flashback-

"Now zat I think about it, vhat happens to a demon when zey die in Hell?" Asked Medic.

"Uh... y'know how there are nine rings of Hell?" Asked Milly.

"Yeah?" Replied Engineer.

"Well, turns out that the rings represent planets. Each time a demon dies, their sent to the next ring. We were kind of surprised to learn that actually." Moxxie answered.

"How many people are on Hell number 2?" Asked Demo.

"Ring 2 received it's first soul in 1987. As of right now, it's only 6% populated." Explained Vaggie.

-End flashback-

"As for Sniper, he's still in the establishment. Though, we do not know where." Answered Spy.

That was good enough for Charlie, so she went on to do her daily routine.

While passing the Bar, she noticed that Demo was drunkenly sobbing. Husker, oddly enough, was crying with him.

"Demo, what's wrong?" Charlie asked.

"He was just *sniff* telling me one of the saddest stories I've ever heard *sniff*." Husker replied.

Demo and Husker continued sobbing. Charlie put a hand on Demo's shoulder.

"Hey, it's okay. Why don't you tell me what's wrong?" Charlie suggested with a warm smile.

Demo sat up and faced Charlie.

"'What's wrong'? Look at me. They got the makin' hands of a black, Scottish, cyclops. They got more fuckin' monsters in the great Loch Ness than they've got the likes of me." Demo sobbed.

Charlie was a little shocked at the detail, but kept her composure. After all, Demoman seemed like he needed a dependable friend right now.

"I just *sniff*... why can't I make ya' proud, Mum?" He asked no one in particular.

Charlie was shocked at what she was hearing. She felt sympathy for the merc. She knew what it was like to not have a connection with parents.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be like the rest o' the family. I- *sniff* I'm sorry I couldn't lose both o' my eyes." Demo sobbed.

Charlie was taken aback by what she just heard.

"Wait, losing both eyes is part of your family's tradition?" She asked.

"Aye. I didn't loose them in an explosion like me family, either. When I was a wee lad, I peeked inside a magic book and had to have it scooped out by a wizard." Demo explained.

Despite the fact that the situation was insane, she still felt sympathy for the mercenary because the message was the same. He had no connection with his parents.

Charlie was about to say something. However, she was interrupted when she, and everyone else, saw Sniper repawn in the lobby.

"How the fuck did you die?" Asked Blitzo.

"I was runnin' down the stairs since the elevators were out of service." He explained.

"Running? Is something wrong?" Asked Vaggie.

"Yeah. We got a real problem. And by 'we', I mean mostly you, sheila." He replied, gesturing to Charlie.

With Nate, Fender, Medic, and Scout

"So... we agree never to do this experiment again, right?" Asked Fender, wiping blood off of his chassis.

"Uh, yeah." Replied Scout.

"Still not as bad as the May of  '64." Nate muttered.

When the four of them reached the bottom of the stairs, they opened the door... and saw that the rest of the RED and BLU teams were hiding from any and all windows.

"Um... vhat's going on here?" Medic asked.

"The fucking press!" Blitzo exclaimed while boarding up the lobby windows.

Fender peeked out one of the windows and saw that there were a shit ton of demons outside the Hotel with cameras. He noticed that Charlie was facing them alone.

With Charlie

Charlie was outside the Hotel trying to deter the reporter demons. Unfortunately, these pricks were persistent. But Charlie knew that if they found the humans, it could be bad.

If they found the humans, then it would slip that said humans were mercenaries, further damaging the Hotel's reputation.

Unfortunately, there were so many reporters that Charlie was getting overwhelmed.

Just then, everything seemed to stop. Literally. Everything was frozen in place.

Well, almost everything.

Fender opened the door and let Charlie in.

"So, uh... what the hell just happened?" Asked Fender.

"I... I don't know." Charlie admitted.

Scout noticed that Vaggie was looking at the frozen reporters.

"See a familiar face?" Scout asked.

"More like feel a familiar presence... and I really fucking hope I'm wrong." She explained.

"No you are not, my dear." Said a eerily jovial voice.

The mercs turned around and saw a new demon in the room.

"Fuck me running." Vaggie grumbled.

"Now, is that any way to greet an old friend?" Alastor asked.

Though the mercs didn't recognize this demon, they knew he had to be bad fucking news, since the IMP employees were cowering behind a couch.

Though, Medic thought that he recognized the voice.

"Uh, hello, Alastor. Why, uh... why are you here?" Charlie asked with a nervous smile.

"Well, when I heard that two unidentified vehicles crashed into the side of this fine establishment, I knew that I had to come down and see what all the ruckus was about." Alastor replied.

He then turned his attention to the mercs.

"However, I was not aware of any newcomers." He added.

"Oh... uh, Alastor, allow me to introduce you to these guys. This is Scout." Charlie began.

"Yo, what's up?" Scout greeted.

"Hm. I recognize your accent. Massachusetts?" Alastor asked.

"Yep. Boston." Scout replied.

"This is Soldier." Charlie continued.

Soldier didn't greet Alastor because he was too busy juggling explosive ordnance.

"Bold fellow, isn't he?" Alastor commented.

"This is Pyro. He can't really speak." Charlie said.

"Hrm hmph hm humm." Greeted Pyro.

"Hmm. One moment." Alastor said.

Then he summoned a plastic bottle, then put it over his mouth.

"Hm hrm hum hmph hm?" Alastor asked.

"Humm hmph hrm hm hmm." Replied Pyro

Alastor removed the bottle from his mouth.

"I like this kid." He chuckled.

Charlie was astonished that someone who wasn't one of the mercs was able to communicate with Pyro.

"Uh, right. Anyway, this is Demoman. Or, Demo for short." Charlie continued.

Like Soldier, Demo didn't greet Alastor. He was passed out drunk.

"Well, well. It seems that Husker here has made a new friend." Alastor said.

"This is Heavy." Charlie continued.

Alastor looked up at the hulking Russian.

"Hello! Name's Alastor, pleasure to meet you." Alastor greeted, extending his hand.

"Uh... nice to meet tiny deer man as well." Heavy replied, shaking Alastor's hand.

Medic listened closely to this demon's voice. He knew he recognized it, he just didn't know from where.

"This is Engineer." Charlie continued.

"Howdy." Engineer greeted.

"This is Sniper." Charlie said.

Sniper tipped his hat to Alastor.

"This is Spy." Charlie continued.

"Bonjour, mon bon monsieur." Spy greeted.

"Ah, la langue française." Replied Alastor

"Vous le parlez?" Asked Spy.

"Si cela vient d'une nation civilisée, je le parle probablement." Replied Alastor.

Alastor turned back to Charlie.

"Uh, this is Fender." Charlie continued.

Alastor looked at the reprogrammed soldier-bot.

"Alastor. How do you do?" Alastor greeted.

"Bite my shiny metal ass." Fender replied.

"Tempting, but I'm afraid I'll have to pass." Alastor replied.

"This is Nate." Charlie continued.

"'Sup?" Nate said.

Then Charlie turned to Medic.

"And then this is..." Charlie began.

However, when Alastor laid eyes on Medic, his eyes went wide, and the room seemed to get darker.

"YOU." Alastor said in a deep and terrifying voice.

"I'm sorry, but do I know you from somevhere?" Medic asked nonchalantly.

"OH, BELIEVE ME. I KNOW YOU. AFTER ALL, IT'S HARD TO FORGET THE FACE OF THE MAN WHO SENT YOU DOWN HERE." Alastor replied.

Every demons jaw dropped. They looked at Medic, then at Alastor, then back at Medic.

"Uh, is dat bad?" Asked Scout.

"For your friend, yes." Vaggie muttered.

"Unfortunately, I send a lot of people here. If you vould be so kind as to provide some more elaboration." Medic said, again, nonchalantly.

It was then that everything went back to normal. Including Alastor's eyes and voice.

"Wait, wait. Do you... really not remember me?" Alastor asked.

"I'm afraid not." Replied Medic.

"Hmm. August 26th, 1947. Does that date ring a bell?" Alastor asked.

Then Medics eyes went wide. He finally figured out where he had met Alastor before.

Then he started laughing at the memory.

"You?! HAHAHAA!!! I knew you died, but I didn't think you vould be here!" Medic laughed.

"I'm probably going to regret asking this, but how did you kill him?" Vaggie asked, wanting to know how one of Hell's most powerful demons died in the world of the living.

"Hehehe. Oh, let me tell you a tale." Medic replied.

Timeskip

The mercs and Alastor were laughing at the story of Alastor's death. The demons on the other hand were sickened by how gruesome it was.

"Vait, vait! It gets better! Vhen he woke up, he found zat his skeleton was missing... and I was never heard from again! Hahahaa!" Medic laughed.

The weird thing was, Charlie and Vaggie expected the mercs to laugh at the story, but they didn't think Alastor would laugh at his own death.

Yet, here he was.

"I died three days later and woke up here." Alastor chuckled.

"And I lost my medical license the next day." Medic chuckled.

"I can imagine." Moxxie said, about to throw up.


Sir Pentious' Blimp

"AAAHAAHAHAHAAA! Foolsss! They have no clue of the plansss I have for this infernal shit hole!" Sir Pentious cackled.

"Hey, Mr. Bossman? I got a picture from that guy you hired a few days ago." Said Egg #62.

"Is it another picture of that fucking Hotel?" Sir Pentious groaned.

This was the 42nd picture of the Hotel this photographer sent him.

"Yeah. But this one has 10 humans and a robot." Egg #74 explained.

Sir Pentious' eyes widened when he heard what was in the picture.

'10 humans and a robot? That couldn't be them... could it?' He thought to himself.

He snatched the picture from the Egg and looked at. Sure enough, in the picture were 10 humans and a robot.

And he recognized them.

"Change of plansss, boys! Hell can wait! I have an old score to settle! To that fucking ridiculous Hotel!" Sir Pentious announced.

The Eggmen all stopped what they were doing and began to pilot the blimp towards the Happy Hotel.

"So, Team Fortress is here in Hell?! How long I have waited to exact my revenge on those fuckshits! And now that Mann Co. can no longer supply them with armaments, my vengeance will be so much easier! HAAAHAHAHAHAAA!!!" Sir Pentious cackled.

'I have waited over 50 years for my revenge. And now, I will finally have it! But first, I need to call some old friends.' Sir Pentious thought to himself.

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