I'm a failure. I'm stupid.

Hindi ko ito 'yung ginusto kong mangyari. Dapat... hindi ganito, eh. Nangako ako kila Mama Ate na magiging ginhawa ang  buhay namin kapag graduate ko...

Nangako ako sa sarili ko na hindi ko papabayaan ang oportunidad na makapag-aral. I failed my promise to my family... and to myself. I failed to give the love I deserve to myself. I failed to achieve my dreams. Ang laki kong tanga.

I'm almost near. Almost. Maybe I should have just focused on my dreams and ignored the man that would only crumpled my heart.

I felt alone here in my room. The atmosphere was so cold. Ilang buwan na ang lumipas, lahat ay umuusad maliban sa 'kin. Nanakawan pa kami. Napakaraming nangyari.

I tried to work different jobs and sidelines just to earn money but I always got fired because I'm always out of my mind. I'm always preoccupied. I worked as sales clerk, seamstress, retail sales associate, because selling crochet isn't enough. But, being busy helped me to distract myself. A bit.

Now, I was in my room, sitting on the floor, my elbow were in my knees and my butt was touching the floor. I was scared to be alone, especially every nights. I hated the fact that I still missed him after what he did. I hate waking up on a random hour and will overthink.

Wala ako sa sariling napatayo. I walked towards my study desk, and saw a cutter lying there. I grabbed it and held it tightly, my hands were trembling. I stared at it, emotionless. I started extending out its blade. I closed my eyes as I moved it, almost reaching... touching skin. My wrist.

I want to end everything.

My phone on the bed suddenly vibrated. With that, I opened my eyes and got my phone to answer the call using my other hand. The number wasn't familiar and it is not saved from my contacts.

I answered the call, still not letting go of the cutter.

[Hello po. Random caller lang. I just want to say that all will be alright in time. Kung may pinagdadaanan ka man, kapit lang kay Lord. May problema man o wala, manalig ka pa rin sa Kanya. If things did not go on your way, He has plans for you. Just trust Him.] Then the guy ended the call.

Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko sa narinig. I found myself putting back the cutter on my desk with my shaky hands. Nanghina ako pagkatapos at napaupo na naman.

Hindi ko na naman namalayan na umiiyak na naman ako. Pagod na pagod na akong umiyak. Walang gabing hindi ako umiyak habang yakap ang unan o minsan naman ay sa banyo para hindi marinig ni Ate at mag-alala pa.

Whoever that person is, I am so thankful. I was insane for planning to take my life. Paano sila Ate at Mama? Paano ako makakabawi at babangon kung susuko na ako agad? He has plans... And I will trust Him.

Kaya ko pa. Kakayanin.

Weeks after, I got accepted on a company. Actually, bumalik ako roon sa pag-apply dahil dati ay mukhang binalewala lang ang resume ko. Ngunit, bumalik ako... dahil gusto kong i-prove sa kanila na kaya ko rin. Na dapat akong bigyan ng pagkakataon. Hindi ba, hindi lang naman sa mayayaman at may kapangyarihan nararapat ang chance? Kasi, this time, pagbubutihin ko na talaga.

They are hiring for some fashion designers. Although, I didn't graduate, they still accepted me as their designer after I showed them some of my works before and my portfolios.

Grateful. That's all what I felt. Naitago ko pa kasi 'yung mga pictures ng mga outputs ko noon. Luckily, they were impressed but still, they wanted me to do my best on my work and present a good presentation. They gave me a chance. And now, because of this chance, I think I am slowly rising up from the shallow and deep ocean of pain and doubts.

Pero ngayon, mukhang kukunin na naman sa akin 'tong opportunity na ito.

Everything was fine. I was doing good. Working here for four months helped me to continue doing what I really loved. My passion.

Not until the cousin of the owner stole my design and told everyone that I just copied hers.

No one listened to me.

Unfair.

Lahat sila... hindi nakinig sa 'kin. Sino ba naman ako para paniwalaan nila? Pamangkin ng may-ari 'yung nag-akusa sa akin, matagal na siya, ako bago pa lang... Kaso, sobrang unfair, eh. Kapag may nakukuha akong opportunity, binabawi rin agad mula sa akin.

Laging may hadlang. Lagi na lang.

Walang nagtanggol man lang. 'Yung inakala kong kaibigan ko rito... wala. Wala siyang ginawa.

They were all one-sided. Pakiramdam ko... pinagtulungan nila ako. Kahit anong explanation ko, walang nakinig at naniwala.

I didn't cry in front of them despite the lump I could feel a on my throat. I stood stern and inhaled deeply before walking away, with my things with me. "Ang kapal ng mukha." Rinig kong sabi pa ng iba. Ako pa talagang makapal ang mukha.

But after that, I went to the bathroom, crying. I let it out and clenched my fist before looking at my reflection on the mirror. Tears flowing from my eyes were visible. It was red and puffy. May mga pumasok din sa restroom. They looked at me with their judgmental eyes.

"Balita ko, siya raw 'yung nanguha ng designs ni Miss Cilla." Alam kong pinaparinggan nila ako dahil sa malakas na pagkakasabi nila no'n.

I remembered whag the dean told me months ago. She said that I'm not fit into fashion designing. Walang naniniwala sa kakayahan ko...

Lumabas ako roon. Lumabas ako ng building at kita ko ang ibang employee ay pinagtinginan nila ako. Wala akong kakampi. Mag-isa lang ako.

Pag-uwi ko sa bahay ay naligo ako agad. Hanggang doon ay patuloy ang aking pagiyak. Sobrang sakit ng mga mata ko, ng ulo ko, at ng puso ko.

Hindi naniniwala sa aking ang ibang tao. Nawawalan na rin ako ng tiwala sa aking sarili... I am such a loser... a failure. Nanunumbalik na naman ang nangyari noon...

"Oh, kamusta?" tanong ni Ate nang maabutan akong naglilinis ng bahay. Pampa-distract lang sa mga iniisip. "Maaga ka ngayon, ah?" she asked, smiling. Hapon pa lang kaya siguro ay nagtataka siya.

She sat down on the couch and massaged her temple.

"Day off ko ngayon, Ate, 'no!" I lied, then, I felt a lump on my throat. No, huwag kang iiyak, Aemour.

Admit it or not, the toughness that we present to this world is just only a facade of how much tears our pillows get every night, trying to comfort us from the things we are not willing to open up. Maybe, my tears could build up a pool... or perhaps, a sea. Sea of misery.

"Huh?" Hindi ba every Saturday? Okay ka lang ba?" Napaiwas ako nang tingin at pinagpatuloy ang pagwalis.

"I'm totally fine, I mean it." I smiled, but, am I really? "Need din ng pahinga ng mga magaganda," I joked to lit up my feelings.

Naghanap ulit ako ng trabaho kaya lang wlaa talagang tumatanggap sa akin as designer dahil pangit ang naging background ko sa dating pinagtrabahuan. I ended up being a dressmaker in a small botique. Okay na to, basta maiahon ko lang ang pang-araw-araw namin... to survive with daily necessity, is already a luxury. Nag-sideline din ako sa isang restaurant as a dishwasher. Mabait naman mga tao sa 'kin doon kaya walang problema.

[We wanted to visit you there sana. Miss ka na naming dalawa.] saad ni Amara sa telepono. Ang tinig niya ay nalulungkot.

"Hmm?" I hummed, half asleep. Hindi pa sumisikat ang araw kaya panigurado ay madaling araw pa lang.

[Hala, sorry! Ang insensitive ko! Tulog ka muna, girl! See us in your dreams na lang muna. Sorry... Huhu.] Natawa ako sa pagpa-panic niya at magsasalita na sana kaya lang binabaan na ako.

I tried my best to open my eyes and sent her a text message.

To: Amara

gaga! binabaan mo aq. nagmumuni muni pa q e! see u when i'm not busy ha? lalo na sa sitwasyon ko ngaun. malas ata ako. wala naman akong balat sa pwet pero ganito. #sadgurlforevz

In a few seconds, she replied. I sat in my bed and stretched my arms. I yawned while reading her reply, still sleepy. I mean, replies.

From: Amara

sis

check mo maigi pwet mo

charot lang!!

basta always remember that we believe in u no matter what okay?

kilala ka namin! alam namin na makakayanan mo at alam namin na magaling ka

i love you aemour! we love you!!

I didn't realize that tears already escaped from my eyes. It's okay, Aemour. At least there are still people who believed in me. A small number of people... that's enough... that's already enough for me.

Bumangon na rin ako at nagluto ng agahan bago pumasok sa trabaho. Ilang linggo matapos ay nakapagkita rin kami nila Amara at Millie. Maging si Axel ay pinuntahan ako sa pinagtatrabahuan ko at pinadalhan ako ng pagkain. Nagkwentuhan kami saglit bago siya umalis dahil sinabi ko na baka mapagalitan pa ako.

"Ililipat ako ng branch. Sa Taranquil City raw. Malayo 'yun dito pero baka it's a good opportunity for the both of us..." My sister spoke in a very soft voice. "Pero okay kang kung h-hindi m-mo gusto kasi mag-a-adjust na naman tayo," agap niya.

I jokingly tsked and pressed my ears on her shoulder to rest. Nasa kwarto ako ngayon ni Ate at kukuhanin sana ang kanyang labahan at ako na ang maglalaba para hindi na siya mag-abala nang bigla niyang sinabi na may sasabihin daw siyang importante.

"Okay lang, Ate... Siguro it's time to say goodbye sa lugar na 'to. At saka, sikat din ang lugar na 'yon, baka roon ba tayo makahanap ng magandang buhay at opportunities," pagsang-ayon ko sa kanyang sinabi.

After that, I searched Taranquil City. Based from what I read, the word Taranquil was derived from 'tranquility' which means the quality or state of being tranquil or being calm.

Calm... Siguro dahil sa tanawin na mayroon doon kahit na ito ay siyudad.

Baka sakaling sa Taranquil City... makalimutan ko na siya...

I still remember the time when his eyes met mine, my heart raced. And when he held my hand, I thought I was home.

But, things turned upside down. The comfort and love I seek in my home, broke my heart and made me feel like a piece of a paper that was being crumpled... My own home wrecked me.

In time, I just want everything to be all right.

"Ang buhay natin napakarami nang bagyo ang nagdaan pero magkasama pa rin tayo..." My sister hugged me before I start packing my things.

"You don't have to force yourself to heal, bunso. It takes time, yes. Hindi naman competition 'yon, eh. Hindi dahil mabilis ang iba ay dapat ganoon ka rin. Healing takes time... And of course, pray to Him... Tell Him your worries and thank Him because you are still here, fighting and trying again."

"Maraming dadaan na bagyo sa ating buhay. Hindi dapat natin hinahayaan ang sarili na malunod sa baha ng problema. Piliin nating lumangoy at bumangon."

I guess, this is goodbye, Cornelia Street. Thank you for the memories.

My future is not certain but I know that in time, I will be fine. In time.

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