@ivy279

Reviewer: shinrili

Genre: Fantasy/Young Adult

Summary:Gemma Maxey has always been different, as in, being able to move things with her mind kind of different. She spent the majority of her life as an outcast, trying to keep her powers hidden from the mortal world.  But in a violent turn of events that leaves her heartbroken and scarred, she has her old life swept away when she is recruited to the Mangiatorvi University for the Gifted in a secret world called Oasi, a place that she has only ever dreamed of. Under the dual mentorship of the crown prince and a gifted fighter with intimacy issues, she somehow manages to earn their loyalty among their training sessions. But can Gemma take a chance with trusting anyone again when her heart is still in pieces? As tensions rise and the threat of civil war hangs heavily in this new world that Gemma has begun to love, a rival state that has been pushed too far in the past is about to upset this balance and bring Oasi to the brink of absolute extinction.  With Gemma struggling to navigate this new world and its tangle of politics, she must decide whose side she is on when she proves to be more powerful than anyone had first thought when the chance of normalcy and friendship must be traded for survival as more than just her life is put at stake.

Cover ~ 8/10

This is a good cover. If I'm completely honest, I can't tell what is depicted. But the title and the crown over it is soft and shiny, something that catches many readers' attention. Despite how appealing the center may be, I could do with a more discreet frame. It looks way too sharp next to the title. I would suggest lowering the frame opacity from 100% to maybe 80%, in order to make it blend in a little bit more. I know this isn't up to you, however.

Description ~ 9/10

The description is excellent. I see you have gotten help with it, and it truly was worth it. It may be a tiny bit long, but at least it gets to the point immediately and draws readers in. 

Content ~ 6.5/8

Okay, reading this was a roller coaster. What I mean to say is, this is not a bad book. Considering Wattpad's standard, this story is really nice. I have a few things to say, though. First of all, let me make this clear; in this category, I have included grammar, vocabulary, writing, character development, plot and overall enjoyment. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let us start with the grammar.  There are almost no mistakes, except for something you always forget to add; hyphens. In order to create compound words, you need hyphens. For instance, it shouldn't be 'heart shaped', but rather 'heart-shaped'. This is a mistake you can easily fix in a matter of minutes. Moving on to your vocabulary. I'm confused. On one side you use very basic and repetitive words, and then you use words like 'inebriated'? I'm all for complex words, but you either use them throughout the whole book, or you don't use them at all. Likewise, your writing needs to be a little bit more consistent. Your descriptions can be great, but as far as action and dialogue is concerned, the writing can get quite blunt. There are also scenes that, in my opinion, are completely redundant. Literally the third paragraph of the whole book is a description of the protagonist's appearance, who just so happened to stare at her phone wallpaper. We do not need to know what she looks like just yet. Then she shoves her phone into her back pocket and she pulls it out once more? What was the point of shoving it in the first place? Luckily you get rid of this as the book progresses, and I have to admit it gets pretty interesting around the last chapters you have published. But the readers must push through that first chapter, which could definitely be much better.

So, this is what we get in the first chapter; Gemma boxes. She also has a boyfriend. She goes into a bar and then comes out. Then something very weird happens that really just came out of nowhere. Her best friend is kissing her boyfriend. Then Gemma beats her boyfriend up. Then she goes back home and is warned that her boyfriend's gang will hunt her down, yet in a whole week, nobody has even rung her doorbell. There is no reason for so many things to happen in a single chapter. I don't know if you were consciously going for in medias res, but in this case, I just feel lost in all of this information that doesn't seem to matter eight chapters later. Also, Lily's 'betrayal' wasn't only unnecessary, but wrong. I haven't gotten attached to this character, so when it is revealed that she was kissing her best friend's boyfriend, I don't feel sad nor do I hate her. It was way too early for something like this to happen. I don't know what you are planning on doing next, but if Jamal and his gang and Lily don't matter as story elements whatsoever and never show up again, you should probably consider changing that first chapter. For me, it was a really dull beginning.

Moving on to when the story actually begins. I was intrigued by this whole world. It would have been much more preferred to have the whole realm thing explained in a class in the university she was about to attend, though. The tier system and the majors were also very interesting, and I would really like to know more about that. However, there is a really big cliche here; the chosen one. I would suggest changing her tier to T2 instead of T1, merely for the sake of making this more realistic. If I'm being honest, I don't really see the point in Madison even existing. She just randomly pops up next to Gemma when she is teleported, and so far she has been of no use. There are many characters I felt like I didn't have to be introduced to. Also, when Gemma found out about her tier, she asked three freaking times about it, and even though it was clearly explained to her all three times, she didn't understand until the last one. I know she was supposedly shocked when the nurse told her, but I didn't need Madison telling me another time when James mentioned it already. That makes Gemma look dumb.Another very important thing. The story is written in past tense, correct? Well, when you want to go even further back, you shouldn't use past simple, but past perfect. For any flashbacks, you must use 'had', otherwise it can get very confusing.Now, about the characters. There were too many of them. I honestly don't remember the names of the guys introduced in that club in the first chapter, and I reckon it won't matter. So, what is the point of their names being mentioned? Or Mr. Williams. He's mentioned in one scene. There needn't be a whole dialogue with him. Having to read about so many characters is draining. Furthermore, I see you went for unique archetypes for each character, and although they do sound much different when they are described, they all talk the same. Even James talks the same way as Gemma and her mother and Lily etc. when he is supposed to be from a whole different realm. I suggest you reserve some characteristic words and phrases for each character, so even if their names aren't mentioned, we'll know who is talking.

Next Steps:

For the sake of your convenience, my advice will be listed as bullets.+Breavity is key. Omit any redundant scenes and characters that may bore the readers.+Plan ahead. I suspect you probably plan as you write, and although it is really fun (I know because I used to do it as well) it's far from effective and there will be some superfluities in there.+'This' becomes 'that', 'here' becomes 'there' etc. It makes much more sense that way.+Flashbacks require past perfect, just as you would use past simple if you wrote in present tense.+Make the story a bit more realistic. As realistic as a fantasy story can get, anyway.+Write unique characters. As I mentioned above, everyone must have their own way of speaking, hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc.+Spice up your writing. Use more metaphors, add some of Gemma's thoughts in italics, and maybe sneak some humor in there. Not only will you have a better time writing it, but people will enjoy it more.+Slow down. No need to rush the story.+Wait until the readers are attached to the characters before you add drama or a tragedy in there.

Overall Score ~ 7.5

Just like Gemma, this story has so much potential. It just needs a bit of work.