VAMP1R1NA

Reviewer: StoryWritersNeverLie

Summary -

Him.

Life wasn't easy for him in the past. He was kind and caring until he learned how the world treated us in return of kindness. He swore, swore that he would be back for revenge.

He would be feared by all. No one will dare to look his way let alone defy him. He would create blood wars without batting an eyelash.

The King of all Alphas. The King of all Kings. Not even the Gods above could stop him from anything. Incapable of love, and ruthless to the ones closest to him, yet dangerously possessive over something he desires.

He could have any woman under his feet, but the heart wants what it wants, and the heart of the young pure soul was the only thing he could never capture.

Her.

She had Alpha blood running through her veins. Her ill father and younger sister never liked her so she decided to run away from home. The last thing she needed was a mate.

His brother.

An Alpha. Respected. Strong. Powerful.

He never wanted love. He thought it will only make him weak. All that ever mattered to him was to be a good Alpha to his people, that was until, fate decided to intercede.

---

"My father used to say the male wolf would know the person who we are devoted to on their 23th birthday, but now I believe it was just a myth, as I knew my angel was mine as soon as I laid my eyes on her. "

"Let her be the light of my dark soul, save me from this dark abyss, stay with me, never leave me, and make my heart beat like it once had. "

"They say there is always something so captivating about the forbidden that makes it uncontrollably desirable, as we unfailingly lust for the forbidden things and craves what is contradicted us. "

She is fire, he is ice.

Just a glimpse of her, melts his stone cold heart.

Just hearing her voice, makes him breathless.

Just her presence, makes him go weak.

A King only bows to his Queen.

One King. One Alpha. One she-wolf.

Let Fate Take Its Course.

Cover - 6/10

The cover, I'm not sure what you were aiming for the readers to think when they saw it. While I did like it because of the moon that you had around the male, all it really tells me is that the focus will be on a man.

Description - 4/10

You have two descriptions, my advice pick one. A reader won't stick around to read both and either find another story or jump into your first chapter to start reading. What you had didn't draw me into the story as it looked like it was going to be between three different povs, changing constantly. You also focused more on the "king" then the other two, which is giving more information than we need. While I do like long descriptions, I also like ones that get straight to the point or leave enough mystery between the main characters and have balance, that it draws me in.

Content - 4/10

Alright, so the story was okay, I liked the prologue as it was a good catcher but something a writer should always know is that the it's the first chapter's job to catch a reader's attention. The writing wasn't as straight as narrow after the prologue, and what I mean by that was you had it going all over the place.

What I mean by going all over the place is more than just the sentences but also her thoughts, her personality, her actions. Going through, reading it and marking what you repeated would help lower this of course. There was also waaay to much that happened in the beginning to her, from finding a box that might or might not be important, the ability to connect with the earth (I'm curious about that), almost getting hit by a car, having her "friend" find her and then have him killed right in front of her, and a few other things. See, that's a lot, with no detail on the type of creature she is, what group she belongs to.

What caused the mc to finally break free? After years of being abused there is nothing that happened to tell me what finally had her decide to break free. If she cared about her family why did she leave? Being abused, she wouldn't have left if she really felt like she did for her family. She would continue to let them abuse her the way they are, while taking care of them. It seemed that she almost wanted to be there and that she didn't care how she was treated. What type of creature is she? You call her father the Alpha. Alpha of what? This is an important detail for the readers as we know what to expect of the creatures. Is her dad the Alpha of unicorns? Ponies? Without explaining these thoughts can enter a readers mind and the mystery won't draw them into the story.

Those were only a few questions.

Now, don't take the above the wrong way, it's not meant to be as harsh as it reads. I actually didn't notice any grammar mistakes and maybe one spelling mistake but that might just be. I could see how you wanted the plot and how you wanted the story to go, which in itself is really good. You've put a lot of work into this story and that's good, I can feel and see it.

Next Steps -

Finding your character personality; Slightly more details; Editing for repeats (as I said, I didn't notice grammar or spelling.); Less bad things in the first three chapters; Continue writing;