I lost a friend
Like keys in a sofa
Like a wallet in the back-seat
Like ice in the summer heat

It wasn't always the same. All the time Merlin stood at the lake, waiting for Arthur. And every time, Arthur came back and Merlin cried, but not every time everything was fine. Most times, they were both fine and they could enjoy life for some time. But then, after a few great days the danger that caused Arthurs return showed up and Arthur died. Or Arthur would hate him after he came back. Would fight with Merlin, would tell him how he had failed him, how he was still failing him. And then, Arthur wanted to kill him. But the ending, it was always the same. Arthur always died, always in Merlins arms. But the second dream was worse, cause in the second one, it always was him, who killed Arthur. Both dreams made him wake up with a frightened scream, with a wet face and red-rimmed eyes. The nights gave him the chills and he would not feel warm for several hours. Sometimes the feeling would stay for days and Merlin would refuse to sleep.

I lost a friend
Like sleep on a red-eye
Like money on a bad bet
Like time worrying about every bad thing that hasn't happened yet

But refusing to sleep had side effects that were even worse. He would worry if his dreams might ever come true. And thinking about the ending, sometimes he wished they wouldn't. But then again, he wished for it. Begged for Arthur to come back, also if it would mean great danger for Albion. And then he felt so awful, so utterly selfish, that he cursed himself. His days were filled with grief and fear these days, and he felt alone sometimes, that it scared the hell out of him. But there were times in between, where he felt okay at least. Times where he could smile, times where his utterly broken heart, did not scream in pain. And he always tried to remember himself about those times, when they were over. Tried to remember himself, that he was going to be okay again. And he knew that he had to stay sane. To stay sane for Arthurs sake. To be able to serve him again, when he was back. When he had his friend back. And sometimes he would even dare to wish for more and those times were rare and he tried to keep it that way. He would not live a life for dreams that would never really come true. Also if it felt, like he was already doing it. He still tried to live life as normal as possible. Tried to live as happy as he could.

I know I'll be alright
But I'm not tonight
I'll be lying awake counting all the mistakes I've made
Replaying fights
I know I'll be alright
But I'm not tonight

But the nights he woke up crying, covered in cold sweat, he knew that he was not okay at all in those nights. Often he would think about all those "What ifs" after he woke up. He would try to find the one mistake. The one thing he should have had changed to save Arthurs life. But there was no "one thing". There where too many. Way too many. So he spend his nights crying and counting. And all of this because he wanted, no desperately needed his king, master and best friend back.
But one day, Arthur came back. Merlin could not believe his eyes, when he saw his golden king, leaving the lake. And he cried. Cried so hard, because he thought it might just be a dream. Sobbed so hard because he was so scared of what would happen next. But when some days were gone, he really believed it. Believed Arthurs soothing: "I'm real Merlin, and I am not going to disappear"

I lost a friend
I lost a friend
I lost my mind
And nobody believes me

He should not have done that. Never should've trusted those blue eyes, he had missed so long. Cause when Arthur vanished after a whole weak and Merlin was all alone again, he knew that he had just imagined him. Knew that his mind had just made things up, in order to fight this isolating loneliness. And now he knew that he needed to fix this. That he needed to make contact, when he wanted to stay sane for Arthur. So he met Tim again. Tim had been a good friend of him, one or two years ago, before he had started to isolate himself again. Just like Lara, who had told him, that he could always come back to her. And John of course. John who had known about him. Making contact with John again, was the hardest because it meant confrontation, but he did it.

Say, "I know that he don't need me,
'Cause he made a little too much money to be twenty and sad."
And I'll be fine without them
But all I do is write about 'em
How the hell did I lose a friend I never had?
Never had

When he told him that he had lost Arthur again, that he was gone once more, John understood. And John told him that he had to learn how to live life without him. That he did not need him, and could live on his own. John told him, that he would be fine again, that he would manage it and that this Arthur was not real. That he did not lost a living person. No real friend. That the real friend would come back and would be there again, but that Merlins life should not be only about Arthur, because, as hard it might sound, it was extremely possible that he had to continue his life without Arthur for more time. And Merlin sobbed and tried to accept it, but it was hard. So extremely hard. Almost too hard to bear it... But he would. For Arthur.

I know I'll be alright
But I'm not tonight
I'll be lying awake counting all the mistakes I've made
Replaying fights
I know I'll be alright
But I'm not tonight

I'm on the mend
But I lost a friend
I lost my mind
And nobody believes me
Say, "I know that he don't need me,
'Cause he made a little too much money to be twenty and sad."
And I'll be fine without them
But all I do is write about 'em
How the hell did I lose a friend I never had?

I'd apologize
If I thought it might
Make a difference
Or make you listen
I'd apologize
If it was black and white
But life is different
Just try to listen
To me now

He really had tried to make a difference. To show Arthur that magic was not all black and white. That the world was not black and white. And he was sure that he had managed it, but right now... Right now he needed someone that showed him that the world was not black and white. That his existence was not useless. He just hoped that Arthur could hear him right now. That Arthur would be able to hear him begging for the return of his golden king. That he would come back. "Please Arthur. Please just come back." He whispered between sobs every day and night. And when he heard this song in the radio. His heart clenched by how he could relate to it. His head repeating the lines over and over again.

I know I'll be alright
But I'm not tonight
I lost a friend
I lost a friend
I lost my mind
And nobody believes me
Say, "I know that he don't need me,
'Cause he made a little too much money to be twenty and sad."
And I'll be fine without them
But all I do is write about 'em
How the hell did I lose a friend I never had?