A few weeks later, Friday night, I was in my jammies and cozying up with ice cream and Mistresses on the television  when I heard the doorbell ring. I got out of bed but not before looking at the clock, which read 12 am. I guessed that it was probably Brandi that was coming back for something and probably left her key since she was staying with her soon to be husband again tonight. I threw on a sweatshirt and walked to the door opening it, ice cream still in hand.

"Seriously Brandi, wear that key on a chain." I teased

But when I noticed the shoes, I looked up and saw Christopher. I gulped and stopped talking all together. I looked up wordlessly and saw that his eyes were red. Like he had been crying. 

I felt my heart stop and I stood there quietly.

Way to go Ellie, you're such a bitch you made your sweet and sensitive boyfriend cry. Wow, I couldn't do anything right.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." I said quietly

He walked in and tentatively I shut the door behind me. He had been calling and texting non stop. But I hadn't answered any. Ugh what a bitch I was. 

Neither of us said a word. 

I showed him to the couch and we sat down on it. I looked at the floor and I looked at him, suddenly scared to touch him, afraid he'd break or go crazy if I did. I was always on edge with people when they got eerily quiet. This was when they thought truly deep thoughts. It wasn't best to disturb them.

"Why?" Is all he asked

"Why what?"

"Why have you been ignoring me?"

"I...i needed some space."

"You didn't need any last month. Ellie what is going on with you?"

What do you want to hear? That I'm crazy? That I'm having sexual gluttonous dreams of me strapped to St. Andrew's cross and being flogged over and over again while hollering how much of a filthy slut I am....was? That your girlfriend loves being subservient to a Master, which was the same guy that broke her heart and the same man that she now can't even look at? That's what's going on with me, Chris!

But there was no way in hell he'd ever find that out. Ever.

"You deserve better." Was a I said

His gray eyes slipped to mine in alarm.

"Why are you saying all of this? Where is it coming from?"

"I...I don't know. But it's obvious I'm not okay, and that I'm going back to that place again."

"Ellie, I don't understand. You were fine last week, and then you just...snapped. Did I say or do something?"

"No."

"Did he say or do anything to you?" I heard him practically growl

"No, this isn't even about Leo."

"Well it must be because you were just fine before you saw him, and now, now you've changed in sixty seconds! You must want him back."

"Why must you bring him up? I don't care about nor want Leo, he was a jerk that cheated on me with his ex!"

We were standing up now, my hands on my hips and his by his sides, fists clenched.

"Yet every time I see him around you, your whole mood changes."

"You knew this would be difficult for me Chris! I haven't seen him in over two years, so excuse me if the just 'jumping right in' method doesn't help me cope with everything that has happened."

"You don't have to just cope on your own. Why don't you try talking to me huh? You know, the man that loves and cares about you?!"

What did he just say?

I looked at him warily and he even showed surprise by what he said himself. I stepped back involuntarily. Love was caustic, dangerous, toxic to my well being. I didn't need it, it caused more damage than repair. He closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Love isn't real." I said quietly

Now it was his turn to step back. He stared at me as if he was seeing me for the first time.

"Seriously Ellie?"

"Yep, seriously."

"Have I ever done anything to you that makes you truly believe that?"

"Not you in general."

"So what you're saying is that you're gonna make me pay for what he did?"

"I never said that."

"But your actions and words speak plenty for you. You know that isn't fair."

"Life's not fair Chris, neither is relationships or 'love' It's all fake! Who ever believes in love is a damn fool who's head is still in the clouds. Who's living a fairy tale."

"So I'm the fool here? I think we can both agree I'm not the one who's head is in the clouds."

"My heads never been more clear!"

"Obviously not if I'm standing right in your face and telling you that I love you Ellie!"

"YOU DON'T MEAN IT!" I yelled

"Why don't I?"

"Because....."

I stopped myself and bit my lip. Tears beat at the back of my eyes. What a stupid time to start crying. Oh great Ellie, let the dramatics begin! I was so sick of myself.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw his anger soften and he slowly walked over to me.

"Because what?" He asked softly

"No one ever truly loves me back. I can't be loved."

(A/N: I genuinely feel like this all the time....)

"I'm not everyone." He said quietly

"But no one is who they ever say they are."

"With me, what you see is typically what you get. And I'm telling you that what I say is true."

For some odd reason, I hugged him and hugged him tight.

"You mean that?" I asked softly with a sniffle

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

"Chris I-"

He took me into his arms, and shushed me quietly. Some how we both ended up on the floor, me still tightly held into his arms. Talk about dramatics. I felt exhausted....all of those emotions kept in. I never knew that for those two years, my emotional dam kept back so many things Even I never knew that my smile and happiness was just masks for it. 

He murmured calming words into my ear and just held me there. I was a little dizzy....falling asleep when I felt myself being lifted and then moving, like I was floating on air. He carried me towards my bedroom and got us both into bed quietly. He pulled the sheets back and gingerly sat me down, pulling the sheets over me. I felt him pulling away and I grabbed him.

"Wait...don't go." I pleaded

I sounded so pathetic.

"I'm not going anywhere." He said softly, quelling all my fears and quieting my paranoia.

He walked around towards the other side of the bed and climbed in next to me, taking me into his arms.

"Nothing you do will make me run away from you. You got me for life." He murmured, stroking my hair

"I want you happy, I want you well. And tomorrow when you get up, I'm making sure that you eat."

"I've eaten today." I protested lamely

"Ice cream is not a meal." He said quickly

"You got me."

"You're not getting off that easily."

"Okay." I said quietly

He coiled his arms just a bit tighter and kissed my temple.

"I got you baby. If you need to go to counseling or talk to someone, then we will do so. If it'll make you feel better, I will make sure that you get some help okay?"

"I'm not crazy." I sniffed, getting defensive

It felt so weird to be on the other side.

I know, people who went to counseling weren't crazy. But I hated the connotation that came along with being mentally ill. Everyone thought you couldn't take care of your own well being and that someone else had to for you. Of course, that's what I did as a Psychologist, but I did it because I genuinely wanted others to be happy and happier than me.

"I'm not saying you are. But you need to get all of this emotion out."

"Well....ice cream helps." I said

I heard him chuckle.

"Then I'll get you all of the ice cream you desire. But only after you've had a true meal."

"Really?"

"Anything you want."

He kissed me on the side of my head again.

"I'm going to be there no matter what. I'm here for you as long as you need me for."

"Okay." I sniffed

I leaned up and kissed him, pulling back.

"Thank you."

He leaned his forehead against mine.

"Let me love you....let me care for you." He whispered

"I'm not worth it."

"You're worth more than anything I ever dreamed of."

"You don't mean that." I said, smiling a little despite myself

"Oh I do. I'll prove it to you anyway I can."

"You don't need to."

"But you need it. Just let me be there for you."

I stayed quiet.

"Let's get some sleep alright? I'll all be better in the morning."

~~~~~~~~

I awoke the next morning to the feel of hair being stroked and kisses all around my face. Tentative and loving. I awoke fully with a groan and my eyes fluttered open.

"Morning beautiful." He smirked

"Hi." I blushed

"You are so cute when you blush."

"Stop it." I said, blushing deeper

He kissed my forehead.

"So, you sleep well?" He asked

"Yeah. You?"

"Of course. I got to sleep next to you. It was nice."

I suddenly hugged him and he seemed surprised. He hugged me back and buried his face in my neck, kissing the curvature between my neck and shoulder.

"You alright?" He asked

"Yeah...just wanted a hug."

He kisses my neck and then my lips.

"You're gonna get something started." I giggled

"Maybe that's the plan."

"Horn dog."

He looked at me with an overly dramatic exasperated expression.

"What?"

"I am not a horn dog." He teased

"Well I'm not taking it back." I smirked

I got out of bed and ran out of it with him on my heels.

"I'm going to get you for that." He giggled

The apartment was small, and soon I was cornered. He walked up to me, pressed me against the wall, and took my face in his hands.

"Now, what did you call me again?" He smirked

"You heard me." I teased

"Oh I did. But I wonder if you'd say it again."

"Oh I will. Horn do-"

He tickled me and I dissolved into a fit of giggles and he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, with me still laughing.

"Put me down!" I laughed

"Oh I'll put you down alright." He said

He both leaned us down on the bed with a playful growl and was all over me in five seconds flat. He caught me in a lip lock and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He looked at me quietly before placing a kiss on my forehead.

"I love you so much." He murmured, burying his face in my neck once more

I said nothing and just continued to enjoy the moment. I ran my hands up his back in small circles and I heard him groan.

"Chris?" I asked

"Yes?"

"I'm hungry." I smirked

He smirked back and got off of me, pulling me up.

"Well let's go in the kitchen and get you something to eat yeah?" He asked

"Alright." I smiled

He led me towards the kitchen and we both got ingredients for pancakes, bacon, and sausage. I could taste it now. I started stirring the batter and he started beating eggs (which he was eating, I hated eggs.) and separating bacon strips to put in the now warming pan. We got everything going, and not too long later, we were chowing down like we hadn't eaten in days. Well...I was.

"Slow down Ellie, you'll choke."

"I'm starving." I said through mouth fulls of food

He chuckled and got up from the couch, pouring me a glass of milk and setting it on the table in front of me.

"See, I knew you we're hungry. Baby you can't lie to me." He said

"I know...and I'm sorry for how I've been acting."

"Don't worry about it,It's alright. Look I made you a promise, and I promised you that I'd be there in any way, shape, or form."

"Yeah, you did."

"And haven't I kept up my promise?"

I smiled slowly.

"You have."

"Then would you just....trust me?" He asked quietly, slowly taking my hand

"I do trust you."

He smiled quietly and said nothing more as we continued eating. After we cleaned up, he suddenly picked me up into his arms and put me onto the couch, climbing atop of me. I looked into his gray eyes and ran my fingers through his soft hair, which smelled like citrus.

"New shampoo?" I smirked

"Yeah, zesty lorange."

"Lorange?" I teased

"Lemon and Orange, Ellie." He said, playfully rolling his eyes

"Well I didn't know."

"I know amour-...I mean, Ellie."

"I was mean to say that you shouldn't call me amour. I actually like it...and I think it's sweet."

"So you like your nick name?"

"Yes. Unless you prefer Ellie Bellie."

"Amour is just fine." I laughed