Part – 7

"It's Not The Goodbye That Hurts, But The Flashback That Follows"  

Karthik's POV

Mithra & I descend from the stairs, Mithra holding my arm, smiling & looking so beautiful in her black net saree. I picked this saree especially for her knowing black will compliment her pale glowing skin. She initially refused to wear saree saying she finds it hard to manage but I insisted her to wear this saree for me as I have seen her in saree only once that was on our wedding day & I know she will do this for me & see, here she is decked up so beautifully & elegantly in this black saree, with little make up on her face, her lush black her is swept to her right side shoulder & its streaming down over her breast like a river. I am dressed in white shirt & black suit pants and I know we both look perfect. Perfect? I smirk at the word.

"You look beautiful, baby" I whisper to Mithra standing at the last step of the stairs.

"So you do, Karthik" she beams at me. My heart skips a beat seeing her smile. Do I still have a heart?

We are at our parents place. All Mithra's and my family & friends are gathered here. How they will not be? It's an important day of our life right? The day which changed our fate... and changed... Our lives! Yeah! It's our wedding anniversary. It seems like only yesterday we got married but now we are here celebrating our first wedding anniversary. One year over. Yeah...Over...Everything!

"You both look lovely. Stay blessed" My mom blesses me & Mithra. I hug mom. This closeness feels good. I need it. Then we take Mano uncle & Padmini aunty's blessings.

"Karthik... all are waiting for you two only. Shall we start?" Dad asks with a smile. I look at Mithra, she is also smiling... God! All are smiling happily. Except me? I nod at dad. He signals something to someone standing behind me. I turn to see Patil, our servant bringing a huge cake for us to cut & celebrate the day.

Mithra & I walk to the center stage where the cake is placed now on the table. Black forest! Mithra loves it.

I pass the knife to Mithra but she holds my hand insisting we cut the cake together. I pull my lips up as if I'm smiling & we both cut the cake hearing claps & wishes around us.

Mithra feeds me the cake first. Surprising! Then I feed her. Soon Mithra & I are dragged to the dance floor by my friends forcing us to dance. We both sway to the music, my hands gently placed around her petite waist & hers encircled around my neck. We both dance looking into each other's eyes and I pull her little closer to get a fix of her calming sweet scent. Later when the music ends I let Mithra go from my hold & let her join with the ladies circle & I join my friends.

"Congrats, dude" Sanjeev wishes me & hugs me slapping on my back in a friendly way he often does.

"You look different" Deepa studies my face. "You look... I don't know but I don't find happiness in your face." girls have this uncanny knack to read guys facial expression. Only Mithra is an exception in this matter.

"I am happy, Deeps. It's my first wedding anniversary, so obviously I should feel happy right?" I try to reassure her

"Then where the hell is your smile which will make girls go crazy?" she asks me.

"I am nervous" I confess.

"Why?" Ria ask me confused.

"I... I am gonna confess my love to Mithra" I let them know first.

"Finally" Rahul sighs.

"You took forever, dude" Sanjeev chuckles

"So are you going to go down on your knee & propose?" Sanjeev asks me curiously. This guy needs every minute detail.

"Should I?" I ask no one in particular.

"Awe... Karthik, yes...yes... of course do that. Girls will love such kind of proposal. It will be so romantic. Take Mithra to cloud nine with your proposal" Deepa encourages me giggling.

"Karthik, do you remember the exact words you said how much love Mithra in the coffee shop to Nisha almost a year back?" Oh that! Yes, of course, those words came from the bottom of my heart then how will I forget? But why he is asking me that?

"Why?" I ask him confused.

"Use those same words... what are they? My heart, jute & fiber... Some center of galaxy...planet..."

"Center of the universe" I glare at him. Stupid Sanjeev!

"Oh yeah. That only" he cheers me.

"When you are gonna do the proposal, now or after the party? In public or in private?" Ria asks. I look at her for a moment thoughtfully.

"Do it here, Karthik, please, we wish to see your proposal & Mithra's reaction" Deepa pleads. So much interest huh?

"I know what will be Mithra's reaction" I smirk at her.

"Oh come. Be positive. She has changed. After joining college she got matured" Deepa tells me. I guess to appease me. Matured? Mithra? Yeah really she has grown up. I should agree.

"You got any special gift?" Sanjeev asks. Shut the fuck up & mind your damn own business man. I want to shout at him but I controlled myself because he is my best friend.

"Yeah I have. She will love it" I smile.

"What is it?" Ria asks in excitement.

"I'm gonna sing for her" I smile again.

"Oh wow" Ria & Deeps jumps up & down in excitement.

"What song yaar? Ang laga de or Raat akeliye?" Sanjeev asks grinning.

"Fuck off, Sanjeev" I glare at him murderously. Then I turn to see whether my band is ready or not.

"Oh so, Karthik is all set to rock hun?" Deepa asks giggling.

"Then go, man. What for you are waiting?" Rahul asks & thumps my back encouragingly.

"Okay, wish me luck guys?" I say and take a deep breath. They all gave a group hug to me.

I walk to the dais & take hold of the mike & clear my throat before starting.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for gathering here to celebrate mine and Mithra's most memorable day and it's really a pleasure to have you all here." I smile & look at Mithra, she is watching me with a soft smile too. I nod at her & she joins me to the center stage.

"Karthik, how long will you make me wait? Where is my gift?" she asks softly.

"Such impatience huh?" I ask her with a smirk.

Then I leave Mithra on the stage walking straight to the music band, I know Mithra's eyes are boring at my back wondering what I am up to. I take a seat & take hold of my black guitar in my hands & adjust its strings & nod at the band members.

"Mithra... darling, this song is for you" I point my index finger at her.

"Omg! Omg! My Karthik is gonna sing for me" I hear Mithra squealing excitedly.

[Goodbye My Lover - song Lyrics - by James Blunt]

(The song lyrics are in bold italic lines & in between lines are Karthik's self thoughts)

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let judge frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Of course, I saw the end of our marital life before we'd begun as soon as I realized the fact that my Mithra was not giving an honest try to work it out.

I know for sure one day she will wake up from her deep slumber & realize she should have given it a try but I wish she never wakes up & realize what she has missed as it will only leave her in pain and guilt.

Yes I saw you were blinded & I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

I took you for granted knowing my baby brat will never hurt me. But I was wrong. But I can't blame you though, because I know you don't know what you are doing to me.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

Yes, things are going to change, we are going to change, our lives are going to change but my love will remain the same. I will still love you, I can't stop loving you, I tried & my mind agreed with me but my little heart is so stubborn to forget you & stop loving you but you don't care about all that, do you?

You touched my heart, you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind & that I knew when.

My heart was blinded by you.

I failed to focus on everything... I didn't care about my life or my business. It's you all I care about. It's you all I want. It's you all I need. I want to have you by my side always. I want to be around you always. I want to shield you from this big bad world always. And I will. Because my heart is blinded by you, by the love I have for you.

I've kissed your lips & held your hand.

Shared your dreams & shared your bed.

I wish to share everything I have with you. I wish to share your joy. I wish to share your sorrow. I wish to keep up with your hopes & dreams. I wish to see you smile when you touch your milestone moments. I wish to hold you in my arms forever. I wish to kiss you. I wish to make love to you. I wish to hold & cherish you but only if you let me do & I know you won't.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

There is no nicer drug than your smell. Your gorgeous unique smell intoxicates me & makes me insane.

Ah! I admit there is no nicer witch than you. You beguile me & bewitched me, darling.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

How apt? These lines perfectly fit for my situation. Well, the lyricist must be in my state as well, saying goodbye to his girl.

Yes, baby yes... you have been the one & you will be the one for me, always and forever... but the sad thing I am not the one for you. I'm not your man. I 'm not your true love. I'm nothing to you but just a friend & I guess I live the rest of my life with it.

I am a dreamer & when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - It's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us & all we used to be

No, please don't remember the days we spent together in the past one year, it will only give pain to you. I'm used to the pain as I have been through it for a while now unlike you, so please just move on & don't dare to look back, look back even our happy days, darling.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while

When you cry I really want to turn heaven & earth & make you stop cry.

When you smile, you bring life to my soul.

I have watched you sleep like a baby for a while, a long while till my eye lids betray me to admire you, my sleeping beauty. Oh how much I love you?

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I would just give my life to father your child, would love to hold a mini Mithra in my arms to relish the days... the days I held you in my arms when you were born, the days I played with you, the days I cherished with you, again.

It's just a wistful thought to spend a lifetime with you but I know it's just yet another wish of mine which is never going to come true.

I know your fears & you know mine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

If anything is truer than truth then it will be my love for you which you failed to see. Maybe I'm not good in expressing my feelings to you or maybe you never dared to open your eyes & see my love, feel my love, fearing you might fall in love with me. I don't get why you fear to fall in love with me, daring? Am I so unworthy of your love?

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I don't know who said this, "At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life" but it's so true in my love life. I can make you stay in my heart but not in my life as you want to fly like a beautiful butterfly & go far away from me... and I'm letting you go & fly.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bare my soul in time.

Then I'm kneeling at your feet.

Yeah, baby, I am gonna kneel at your feet and confess my deepest little secret to you before I leave my hold on you, because I don't want you to ever accuse me for never letting you know about my feelings to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

Yes, I'm saying my goodbye to you because I'm tired, really tired... I accept my defeat that failed miserably in the process of making you fall for me... Oh why you didn't open your heart for me and let me stay in there so that I can love you not minding the beats I get.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so. I'm so, I'm so hollow

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so. I'm so, I'm so hollow

Yes, I'm so hollow, baby, because you won't be there in my life!

I place my guitar down, usually I hear huge round of applause when I finish singing but this time I hear no such reaction, only silence, dead silence. Did I sing that badly? I wonder & stand up on my heels & slowly stride towards Mithra, looking straight into her mesmerizing eyes. I stand in front of her and look into her eyes a moment longer before going down on my knee. Mithra looks stunned but doesn't say or move away from me. She stood rooted to her place with parted mouth. I take both her hands in mine & hold them tight trying hard to fight back my tears. I inhale sharply & straighten my shoulder determined to tell her what I feel for her.

"I Love You, Mithra Manohar" Yeah, there is no more Karthik in her life.

I have given the power to break my heart only to my baby brat and she did break my heart unknowingly but still I love her with all those broken pieces.

I could see Mithra's eyes going wide hearing my love confession which I was holding within me for nearly a year. She is shocked but I know if I had missed to tell now then I will never get the courage to tell her ever.

Then I continue. "I love you so much... so much to set you free... & let you go... Go Mithra, Go, lead your life happily the way you like... without ME." I tell her with a small smile that didn't even reach my eyes. I fish out an envelope from my jacket pocket.

"Here is the special thing you asked & I promised to give you as our wedding anniversary present" I thrust the envelope into her hand. She rips it open with her shaky hands. I study her face and it dazzles with a smile amidst her tears reading the line...

"Divorce by mutual consent"

She brings herself to meet me as she drops down on the floor & throws herself in my arms hugging me tight, muttering "Thank you... Thank you so much, Karthik. Thank you" I could sense the happiness and relief in her voice. It warms my heart. It heals my heart. Slowly I break our hug to see her face. She couldn't stop smiling. Her smile reassures me that I did the best for her!

"Anything for you, baby. Anything" I say & wipe her happy tears which are smudging her mascara.

"I love you, Karthik." I yearned to hear these 3 magical words from her for how long I don't know & now she is saying it right in front of my face, loud & clear but it makes me feel like she is twisting my heart with a sharp knife because I know she loves me as a friend & I love her more than a friend. She is everything to me & I am nothing to her from now on.

"I love you so much. You are the best. I am blessed to have a friend like you" I don't know why I feel her words are like rubbing salt on my wound. I can feel my heart thumping hard against my chest & I know it will explode if she utters one more word.

I try & succeed in pulling my lips up to a smile. I know I'm smiling but inside I'm dying. The pain of losing Mithra is excruciating & unbearable.

"Here. Sign the papers" I hand her my fountain pen. She nods & takes it & signs on the divorce papers "Mithra Karthik" How ironic? We are getting divorce & going to part our ways but now she is joining my name with hers.

Fuck my fucking fate!

... To be continued!!!

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