Part – 9

"I Keep Myself  Busy With The Things I Do But Every Time I Pause, I Still Think Of You"

(Mithra's POV)

"Karthik... please let me sleep" I mumble sleepily.

"Baby, wake up... you will get late to college" Karthik shakes my shoulder gently.

"Karthik... 2 more minutes... please" I say & bury my face into the pillow.

"How many '2 more minutes' you will take, Mithra? Your alarm is singing for every 10 minutes for the past one hour but still you have put it on snooze again. Come on get up & get ready, you sleepy head" he says again.

"No. I don't want to go to college." I say sleepily.

"What? You won't go to college? Why, Mithra?" I hear some voice deep in my sleep.

"I want to sleep, Karthik..."

"Mithra" I come awake rudely shaken up by my mom.

"Karthik... Mom" I sit up & look around my room.

"Still you didn't get used to the fact that you are in your house & Karthik is not with you to wake you up?" My mom asks me. Yeah it's been a month since Karthik left to Singapore but daily morning I dream of Karthik waking me up. I miss him.

"Here, your coffee" Mom hands me my coffee mug.

"Karthik makes the best coffee. He knows exactly how I like my coffee." I mutter to my mom. I like my coffee strong but my mom adds too much of milk & sugar & makes it yuck!

"He even knows you well more than you know yourself" My mom says with a sad sigh.

"Right, mom" I agree.

"Unlike you" she adds.

"What? I know my friend so well too."

"Oh really. Then you are fooling yourself. If you had known him well then you wouldn't have divorced him" she says angrily turning her face away from me.

"Mom, what's wrong with you & dad? Why you both are so cross on me since the day we got Divorce. No one in this world understands me better than my Karthik... only he understood why I asked for divorce and he didn't blame me like you all are doing now." I crib, placing the coffee mug on my side table & climb out of my bed & head straight to my bathroom grabbing my towel on my way.

I sit in the rear seat of the car & look outside through the window as my driver drives me to the college. I am unseeingly seeing the moving sceneries through the window as I let my mind waver. A small smile creeps up on my face remembering the first day of college my Karthik took me to drop there.

"Mithra, are you excited to start your college life?" he asks me while his eyes focusing hard on the road ahead.

"Yeah, Karthik. I am thrilled" I say smiling.

"You are not nervous right?" he asks.

"No, I am not. I am not 3 years old little kid joining first day school. I am a grown up girl so why should I be nervous?" I ask him with a smile. He worries a lot.

"I worry you will start crying like how you cried when you went to school for the first time. You gave a hard time to your parents on that day. You were the only kid who cried so much & created a racket. Finally I was able to stop your water works by giving my dairy milk chocolate to you. You owe me a dairy, you know" he says.

"I will get you a dairy milk silk today, Karthik" I say giggling & he smiles. Yeah, I vaguely remember my admission day in my school. Even Karthik had come along with us. Wherever he and his parents go they take me along with them & wherever we go we take Karthik with us. Karthik & I have spent most of our childhood together.

"Daily I will drop you to college on my way to office & at evening I will send the driver to pick you up, okay?"

"Okay" I agree.

"Karthik, stop here. I will walk from here to college" I ask him to stop at a distance from my college entrance.

"Why? I will drop you there." He insists.

"No, I don't want anyone seeing me with you. Then they might get suspicious that I have a boyfriend or even come to know that I am married" I tell him the reason. He frowns.

"Let them think whatever they want. What bothers you? If you don't want your college mates to know you are married its fine... but let them assume I am your boyfriend"

"You are my friend, Karthik. Not boyfriend" I remind him. He sighs and pulls me in his arms whispering "Good luck. Have a great first day in college. See you at home in the evening"

"Bye" I smile at him & he returns back my smile.

"Madamji, we are here" My driver pulls me out of my reverie as he parked the car near the curb. I nod & climb out of the car & walk to my class like a robot.

Every damn thing reminds me of Karthik. I miss him. It's been a month since I talked to him; we talked lastly at the airport. Neither he nor I called to talk with each other after that day. We didn't even text each other. I don't know why? Is he avoiding me? Or he thinks I am avoiding him? Should I call him?

Oh no! I want Karthik to move on in his life, forget me & be happy. I don't want him to remember me by calling him & talking with him... but today I badly want to hear his voice. To make sure he is fine. To make sure we are okay. To make sure I haven't lost my only best friend. To make sure I didn't hurt him with my decision. To make sure he is happy with his new life.

Karthik's POV

(Singapore)

"You are such a cheap date. You ordered me only a burger & French fries?" I shake my head disapprovingly at Nisha seeing the order placed in front of me by the waiter.

"But see what all you have ordered for yourself? You are a model and you should not eat so much of fatty unhygienic food stuffs." I chide her gently.

Yeah, I am here in a restaurant with my Ex-girlfriend and now a good friend Nisha.

This girl was behind my back since I came back to Singapore asking me to hang out with her. I was so busy with my work so I couldn't find time so far but finally after a month, today I get to meet her as she threatened to kill me if I tried to ignore her anymore.

"Doh! Every time we go out on date, you order burger & French fries for you so I ordered the same this time too" yeah that's right.

I always wanted to end the date as soon as possible so I order some quick bites and then I give some lame excuses to go back home or to go to office for some meeting. May be I was not comfortable with the whole idea of dating then. May be I had some subtle feelings for Mithra then itself or maybe not.

"So? How are you taking... your breakup?" Nisha asks me tentatively.

"As you would know... after all you have crossed the phase" I say with a lopsided smirk. She laughs. She had a breakup but I had divorce which is worse than the former I guess.

"Yes, I have though it was easy for me to forget my 'budding' love as it didn't go deep down my heart."

"Ouch! You wound me, Nisha baby, by saying you easily got over me. That's bad hun!" I teased her faking hurt.

"I thought my Nisha will be still waiting for me with open arms to take me back & I can mingle with her & erase my single status but see, she too is not in love with me. There is no girl written in my poor fate I think." I sigh.

"Aww... my poor boy" Nisha giggles.

"Well?" I ask her now serious.

"I just started to fall for you but you saved me from facing excruciating pain of love failure by making it clear that we don't have any future. Thanks to you for that, Karthik & now we are friends & I respect our friendship & I can never see my friend as my lover again..." And that last line catches my interest.

Didn't my Mithra say the same? Was she right when she said 'friends can never be lovers'?

"Well, your case is different, you both were together for one long year, you knw her right from the day she was born, you both shared a strong bond, and your love is so deep for her so it surely will be hard for you to forget her unlike my situation right?"

"I never wanted to forget my Mithra... I never will..." Mithra is not a part my life to cut and throw her away but she is my whole life. "I agree it's hard to deal with the pain of staying away from her, but I am distracting myself by keeping myself busy with work. You see, 20000 people in my company depend on me so I should think about them & focus on my business." I tell her drily.

"Karthik only work is not life. It will never heal your pain." Nisha tells me placing her hand over mine which is placed on the dining table.

"I know" I agree. But I don't know any other way to cope up with this heart break. "Did you talk with Mithra after coming here?" Nisha asks me.

"No. I didn't. I didn't have the courage to talk with her like her old friend. I need some time to control my emotions & that's why I came here to put some distance between us. She will be fine, I know. There are people there to take care of her" I tell & take a bite of my burger.

"I can't believe she didn't love you even after spending one long year with you. She must be mad"

"See, just now you said 'you can't see your friend as your lover" same way Mithra couldn't see her best friend as her husband. I took so long to understand her feelings & when finally she spelled it out loud and clear to me that we won't work & asked me for divorce... only then I realized how self centered I was always thinking about how to make our relationship work but never once thought it was difficult for Mithra..."

"No, Karthik, here I differ to agree... you should have convinced her & tried to work out your marriage" Nisha asks cutting me off.

"Do you think I didn't convince her? I did Nisha, I did an honest try but... nothing worked... Tell me how long Nisha I will hold her in my grip? I was ready to give as much as time to her, even my entire life I was ready to wait for her to accept me but she was not ready to even try. She was so stubborn to end the relationship. Our marriage didn't mean anything to her. Tell me how I will make someone stay with me when they don't love me? At least with this divorce one of us is happy now and I am glad it's my Mithra who got the happiness"

"But you love her Karthik? And you deserve happiness" Nisha shouts.

Suddenly my phone buzzes inside my jacket pocket so I hold my index finger asking her to give me a moment. She nods and concentrates on her food.

I fish out my phone to see Mithra calling.

"Hello Mithra, you okay?" I ask her worried. She must be in college having her lunch break now.

"I'm good Karthik. Thought to talk with you..." I hear her voice waving.

"Yeah, tell me, baby?"

"Are you on your own? Are you busy with work?" she asks hesitantly.

"Um... I am with Nisha... having lunch" I tell her.

"Oh" I hear disappointment in her voice.

"Okay, you carry on your lunch date with your girlfriend, I will call you later" she says & hangs up on me not even letting me speak. f**k! What am I going to do with this stupid presumptive girl?

I just told I am with Nisha & she herself presumed I am dating her again.

"So?" Nisha asks after I put my phone back in my pocket.

"Mithra... she just called me to talk with me. Nothing important" I reply.

"You still love her" Nisha says smiling with confidence.

"How do you know?" I ask her in surprise.

"The way your eyes lit up when you saw the name of the caller on your mobile screen"

"You are unbelievable woman." I laugh throwing my head back. "You notice every minute detail of mine" I say shaking my head in disbelief. She laughs.

"Yes, I loved her & I still love her... I don't know when I will fall out of love with her... if there is something like falling out of love because I feel love is a one way path, no looking back, if you love someone truly you will love them till your last breathe & my love is true."

"I think you should have put a little more fight with her. You should have made her realize your love for her. You let her go so easily, Karthik" Nisha tries again to convince me that I shouldn't have given divorce to Mithra.

"I didn't have any other choice Nisha other than letting her go... one of the meanings of love is freedom. She wanted freedom from our marriage so I gave her that freedom because I love her... try to understand me, please"

"Don't love her this much, Karthik" Nisha warns me. "You will get hurt more"

"Are you jealous that your boyfriend is not loving you this much?" I joke.

"No, Karthik, you said 'love means freedom', but I would say 'love means pain'. You know I care for you, I don't want to see you in pain so try to move on" Nisha says softly squeezing my hand & I squeeze her hand back.

"I will try" I smile at her though I know it's next to impossible.

"So how is your new boyfriend, Dr. Micheal?" I ask Nisha. Enough of talking about my love life let me probe about hers.

"He is good but not as good as my old boyfriend. We are getting to know each other; he is a cool guy, caring too. I like him" she says shyly.

"Good. I am happy for you, Nisha"

Mithra's POV

(Delhi)

"Tara, what's wrong with you? Why are you avoiding me? Since the party night you are not talking properly with me" I corner Tara, who is sitting alone in canteen & having her lunch. Usually we both eat together but nowadays she is avoiding me which I don't like at all.

"Nothing like that, Mithra" she says drily.

"Tara, please talk to me?"

"I worry one day you will throw me out of your life like you threw Karthik out of your life so it's better I learn to live my life without my best friend" she says sadly.

"Tara, what are you talking? I didn't throw Karthik out of my life. He... he... he is everything to me, Tara... I can't even imagine my life without my best friend"

"Oh really?" she asks sarcastically.

"You know what, Mithra, you just say in words that I can't live without my best friend, he is everything to me, blah blah blah but in reality you do live happily without your Karthik and one day you will live happily without me too."

"No, Tara... he is my friend, I want him to be happy & that's why..." before I say further she cuts me off saying "You really want him to be happy? You really do know what's his happiness? You really do know where is his happiness lies? You don't know because you think only about your happiness. You want your freedom so asked him to give divorce & he wants your happiness so he gave that damn thing to you."

I don't know what to tell & make her understand that Karthik & I share a strong bond since our childhood & suddenly seeing him as my husband? Why can't they understand it's difficult for me? I don't want to hold him to me forever. I know he will move on soon and find the right girl for him. I am not the right one for him and I know that and I do know I did the right thing.

"You know what? You are Selfish with capital S" Tara spits her words at me. I stare her back with teary eyes.

"Tara, please..."

"Yes, you are selfish, Mithra. You made him a fool. When your dad was so sick & to save his life he agreed to marry you & when your dad got fine you threw him out of your life like a waste piece of shit" her words hit me like a thunder bolt. Now my tears are streaming down my eyes as if the flood gates were open.

"He confessed his love to you but you were jumping in joy receiving the so called gift 'divorce' papers. Don't you feel for your best friend? Did you listen to the song lyrics he sung on your anniversary party? Did you hear the pain in his voice or see the pain in his eyes? I guess except you everyone would have noted that." She goes on & on with her harsh words and I sit and listen to her with my head lowered in shame.

"He always loved me & I know that... & I love him too as a friend. You are getting all this wrong Tara. I can't be the one for Karthik & I don't want to tie him up to me & make his life miserable. I was helpless when my dad made him marry me... I didn't want that. Neither of us wanted that forced marriage but I will forever be grateful to Karthik for marrying me & making my dad happy when he was critical in the hospital... but now I need to think about Karthik's happiness too, I can't give him the happiness so I thought to let him go. I did that for my Karthik's happiness. I know a bright future is waiting for him. Even just now I called him & he was with Nisha, the girl he dated before our marriage. She is a nice girl, I have seen her before and even you have seen her in the mall. She will be perfect partner for Karthik and trust me she will give everything Karthik wants" I explain my side reason to Tara but she just shook her head still not convinced.

"Mithra, don't be so stupid. You need to grow up & smell the f**king coffee. Karthik loves you... Karthik loves only you & not this Nisha with whom you tried to hook up your husband not so long ago. Any wife in this world would ever do that? Match making for her husband? This is not your immaturity but your foolishness. I pity Karthik, poor guy's life got spoiled by marrying you. You gave him a lifetime scar. I don't know when you will realize what you have lost" she says angrily & walks out of the canteen, leaving me in shocked daze.

Am I wrong in my judgment? Did I fail to see my Karthik's pain? Did I put him out of the misery or put him into a lifetime misery? Oh God! What have I done to my Karthik? I need him to tell me everything is fine. I need him to tell me we are fine. I need him to hug me & console me. I need him. I miss him.

... To be continued!!

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