Arty: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.

Jolie : What if it bites me and it dies!?

Cammy: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Jolie , learn to listen.

Allie: What if it bites itself and I die?

Adam: That's voodoo.

Cecilia : What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Jolie : That's correlation, not causation.

Allie: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?

Adam: That's kinky.

Arty: Oh my God.

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*

Arty: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

Everyone:

Jolie : ...I did. I broke it.

Arty: No. No you didn't. Cammy?

Cammy: Don't look at me. Look at Allie.

Allie: What?! I didn't break it.

Cammy: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

Allie: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

Cammy: Suspicious.

Allie: No, it's not!

Adam: If it matters, probably not, but Cecilia was the last one to use it.

Cecilia : Liar! I don't even drink that crap!

Adam: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Cecilia : I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Adam!

Jolie : Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Arty.

Arty: No! Who broke it!?

Everyone:

Adam: Arty... Cammy's been awfully quiet.

Cammy: rEALLY?!

*Everyone starts arguing*

Arty, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.

Arty: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

Arty:

Arty: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Arty: Jolie ... How do I begin to explain Jolie ?

Cammy: Jolie is flawless.

Allie: I hear their hair's insured for $10,000.

Adam: I hear they do car commercials... in Japan.

Cecilia : One time they punched me in the face... it was awesome

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Arty: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*

Jolie : If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I'd have 15 cents

Arty: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you

Cammy: Actually I did the math, Jolie would have $225, not $0.15.

Jolie : Fam I'm right here....

Allie: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)

Arty: while you're there could you buy me an apply juice please?

Allie: Sorry I only have a dollar

Arty: :(

Cammy: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Jolie would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent

Allie: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice

Cammy: You can buy anything you want with $22,500

Adam: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice

Cammy: Apply juice to what

Cecilia : Directly to the forehead

Jolie : Great chat everyone

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Arty: If you got arrested what would be the charges?

Cammy: Theft.

Jolie : Disturbing the peace.

Adam: Aggravated assault.

Allie: Arson.

Cecilia : All of the above. In that order, probably.

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Arty: We need to distract these guys

Jolie : Leave it to me

Jolie : Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

Cammy, Allie, and Adam: *Immediately begin arguing*

Cecilia , watching in horror: Oh this. I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Arty: Rules were made to be broken.

Jolie : They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Cecilia : Uh, piñatas.

Allie: Glow sticks.

Adam: Karate boards.

Cammy: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Arty: Rules.

Jolie :

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Cecilia : Christmas lights?

Allie: Check.

Jolie : THermos of hot cocoa?

Allie: Check.

Adam: Santa suits?

Allie: Check.

Arty: Shovel?

Allie: Check.

Cammy: Alibi and bail money?

Allie: Check- wait, WHAT?!

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Adam: Stressed.

Allie: Depressed.

Cammy: Possessed.

Jolie : Obsessed.

Arty: Impressed.

Cecilia : Chicken breast.

Everyone: ...What?

Cecilia : I just wanted to join in.

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Cecilia : Dumbest scar stories, go!

Allie: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.

Arty: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and it burned.

Jolie : I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.

Cammy: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it in my hand and I got a really bad burn.

Adam: I have emotional scars.

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Arty: Time for plan G.

Jolie : Don't you mean plan B?

Arty: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Allie: What about plan D?

Arty: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Cammy : What about plan E?

Arty: I'm hoping not to use it. Adam dies in plan E.

Cecilia: I like plan E.

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Adam: I CAN'T DO IT!

Allie, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!

Adam: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE

Cecilia : WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.

Adam:

Adam: I appreciate it,

Adam: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-

Arty: Adam-

Adam: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!

Cammy: Adam we gotta-

Adam: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.

Adam: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'

Adam, motioning to Jolie : NOT FUCKING THIS!

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Allie: I'm the smartest person in my friend group.

Cecilia : You hang out with Adam, Cammy, Jolie , and Arty.

Cecilia : It's not as high a compliment as you think.

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*

Cammy: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

Everyone:

Allie: ...I did. I broke it.

Cammy: No. No you didn't. Adam?

Adam: Don't look at me. Look at Jolie .

Jolie : What?! I didn't break it.

Adam: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

Jolie : Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

Adam: Suspicious.

Jolie : No, it's not!

Cecilia : If it matters, probably not, but Arty was the last one to use it.

Arty: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!

Cecilia : Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Arty: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Cecilia !

Allie: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Cammy.

Cammy: No! Who broke it!?

Everyone:

Cecilia : Cammy... Adam's been awfully quiet.

Adam: rEALLY?!

*Everyone starts arguing*

Cammy, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.

Cammy: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

Cammy:

Cammy: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Allie: We have a problem.

Jolie : Let me guess, you caused it?

Cammy: Gimme a sec, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this yet.

Arty: And it's another Tuesday, your point?

Adam: Would shooting you solve this problem? No? Then shut up.

Cecilia : If you're mean the fire, that's our solution to last week's problem.

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Arty, rubbing their temples: I am not proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarrette.

Cammy: But Arty, we don't smoke.

Arty: Cut the crap, Cammy. I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke.

Arty: *points at Cecilia * One! *points at Jolie * Two! *points at Allie* Three! *points at Adam* Four! *points at Cammy* Five!

Arty: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarrette between these two fingers!

Adam: *puts a cigarrette in Arty's hand*

Arty: Thank you. ...Light?

The Squad: *all simultaneously pull out lighters*

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Arty: The floor is lava!

Cecilia : *helps Adam onto the counter*

Cammy: *kicks Allie off the sofa*

Jolie : *lays on the floor*

Arty: ...Are you okay?

Jolie : No.

🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊🐊

Cecilia : Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life.

Arty: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back...

Adam: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.

Cammy: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years.

Allie: I knew I lost that potential somewhere.

Jolie : Mental stability, my old friend!

Cecilia : Jesus, could you guys lighten up a little?