"Love is equal for everyone."
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The Hogwarts express roared to life, smoke billowing from the sides as it started off causing people who hadn't found a compartment to sit in stumble around like drunken fools. Sitting in a compartment with his friends, books, and blankets laid across the floor and seats but James hardly ever paid attention as he averted his eyes towards the landscape outside while Remus talked on about some family dinner he had a few weeks prior to everything. It wasn't that he didn't want to hear that Remus's cousins begged him to teach them magic or that some of his other family members invented a new game called 'Moon maze'. No, it was the fact that Remus was doing hand gestures again, he was smiling goofily and his little laugh was making James's heart flutter in his chest like some butterfly.

It was odd—Odd to realize that he's been in love with one of his friends for two years straight. Of course, James had more than enough difficulty coming to terms with just having a crush on the boy, his parents saw through him like water and the worst that James feared to happen, never came true or at least in his parent's eyes. He didn't know how many times he spent pacing up and down, tugging at his hair and trying to make sure none of his actual feelings came up whenever he managed to write back to the werewolf. It was a relieving experience to actually be able to let some of his feelings out to his mother, the woman was almost as jubilant as when his little brother had arrived one year after him.

Then, came the realization that perhaps maybe, Remus wasn't interested in him. James never wanted to think about the boy with someone else, he never saw him with anyone else, to begin with. Most people at school were either too annoying, too judgmental or too dense to ever try a relationship with Remus. Closing his eyes, he managed to hear a few snippets of Remus's dinner story before he was lost in his thoughts again. To James, being lost in the endless abyss of thoughts that clouded his mind like a fog was both comforting and crippling. He couldn't hear Remus speaking anymore and he couldn't feel his heart pounding like a drum in his rib cage, simply because he was so engrossed in thoughts of rejection, thoughts which held him at gunpoint and forced him to accept that he couldn't have a chance with Remus that he had become almost numb, as if he was floating in the middle of a black void with a fog wrapping around his body, slipping into his system and making his eyes water from how much it stung.

Before he could be woken up by either of the boys in the compartment, James finally fluttered his eyes open only to feel something wet slip down his face and into his mouth, oddly tasting of salt. He shook his head, realizing that his glasses had gotten all blurry from the tears. For a moment, he kept his head down to the point where the others suspected him to be sleeping only for hazel eyes to meet brown ones. James almost choked on his own saliva as he leaned as far back into the seat as it allowed him to, eyes blinking wildly at Remus, who in turn stared right back at him with his scrunched up nose, his hands rubbing his arms that held multiple scars from transformations and his lower lip being caught between his teeth hard enough to bleed as he didn't dare remove his eyes from the hazel ones that were still glossy with water at the edges, threatening to slip down his cheeks again.

It took a few minutes for James to realize that the whole reason Remus was staring at him was because he was crying. Shoulders stiffening as he turned his eyes towards the window, James pulled off his glasses and rubbed the water off, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand as he slipped them back on. Testing out a few of his fake smiles with his head down, he finally returned to staring back at the boy with a small grin. Pretend nothing's wrong and maybe he won't ask- James hummed along to himself to further prove that he was perfectly fine and as Remus finally let his eyes leave him, the boy dropped his shoulders and shifted to stare back outside at the window, watching the trees as they sailed past.

He didn't want to get lost in his thoughts again, they hurt too much for him to actually be able to stand it without going off on an emotional rollercoaster that consisted of crying twists and anger loops. So, James puffed out his cheeks and placed his hands on both of them, tilting his head to the side as he turns towards the trio but then his glasses slip off his nose and Remus is the first to notice. He doesn't say anything and James thinks that it's fine until he leans forward and pushes them back in place. He's so close that James can feel his breath, he's close enough for James to count the scars that are on his face, he's close enough for him to make out the tiny specks of blue in his eyes and it makes James's heart freeze again. His cheeks become redder than Lily's hair and he wishes that he wasn't so prideful of his own dignity to keep the facade of not being affected, even when Remus's fingers brush back some of his hair and James swore to the gods above that it felt like he was being touched by the sun.

Eventually, Remus is already back in his seat and James is too lost in what had just happened to remember what he was going to say. A silence stretches across the area and Peter is the first to break it with an awkward cough as he ran a hand through his blondish brown hair and nudged Sirius with his elbow.

"The train stopped."

That was the only attempt Sirius seemed to make at breaking the silence for he has a grin etched on his face as he stares at the boy he thinks of as his brother. He could tell when James wasn't himself and the clear display that Remus did was enough to have him putting the pieces together like a Muggle puzzle board.  Standing to his feet, he stretched backward, hearing his joints crack and pop from how stiff they were. Running a hand through his shaggy mop of black hair, Sirius swung an arm around Peter who held an apologetic smile as the taller of the two boys turned towards the door. Remus was quick to stand up and follow, glancing back at James with furrowed eyebrows. Was he coming with them or not? Standing in the doorway, he snapped his fingers just as James leaped to his feet and bumped straight into the wall.

Remus winced, hands flying towards his mouth to stop his laughter from escaping. Turning around, he quickly followed after the two Gryffindors while James stayed behind. Watching the trio walk off the train, James breathed in and out, slapping his cheeks to try and get himself back to normal. For a moment, he's smiling again, ready to chase after Lily like a lovesick fool until he hears a laugh that makes his heart stutter in his chest.

Remus is laughing again, the trio were now banded tightly together, walking towards the carriages. Remus isn't laughing because of them, more so the fact that there was a girl near them, having told some joke that made the brown haired boy laugh to his heart's content. James felt his own heart squeeze and the fog is clouding up his mind again, he shakes his head to and fro, attempting to remove it but only making it worse. His eyes sting and his teeth are digging into his lip so badly that he tastes iron but doesn't have the will to spit it out yet, coating his lips in red. He hung his head slightly, black hair falling in front of his eyes as he wrapped his arms around himself and slowly stepped off the train.

It hurt. He didn't know why but it hurt and he wanted it to stop. He felt like his heart was being stabbed but he never even said anything, it was almost like just knowing about it but not telling anyone other than his parents were worse than he realized it to be. So, with a gulp of fear, he starts walking towards the only person he knew could make sense of all his jumbled up emotions. He just hopes that it's the only person he needs to tell.

"Lily, I have a problem. "

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It was almost suffocating him, the feeling of pure fear as he followed the red-haired girl to an empty carriage. The carriage containing the rest of the Marauders hadn't left yet but James wasn't taking any chances. Turning around just as they reached the door, Lily held a hand out as if to stop him from waking and rose both her eyebrows.

"You like Remus, don't you?"

James opened his mouth only for his jaw to go slack at the accuracy of the girl he considered to be his sister. For a while, he stood there, unable to form coherent sentences without them being full of stutters and mumbles with words that probably made no sense. Wiping his red lips with his fingers, James felt his heart stutter in his chest at the idea of actually liking Remus came back into play. He hadn't confirmed it again since he first found it and honestly, hearing people say the truth to his face was enough to have him as red as a Weasley's hair.

"How did you-"

"It's rather obvious, you don't chase after me with new tricks and you're almost always looking at him, like a lovesick puppy. It's cute actually."

James seemed to huff before a loud shout of his name made him freeze. He couldn't leave the trio in the carriage alone but he also couldn't leave with his feelings suffocating him like smoke. Lily gave a gentle smile, ones that she would use for her parents or sister before pushing him back and opening the carriage door. James didn't have to ask to know what she meant and with no further hesitation, he quickly ran back towards the carriage that still had its door open, climbing inside and sitting next to Sirius as Peter had immediately moved seats once James started to run over.

As the door shut and the carriages were being lifted into the air, James looked out the window, catching sight of Lily's red hair as she peered out her own window and gave him one of her sisterly grins along with a wink when she noticed Remus sitting on the opposite side of him. Leaning his head back, James drummed his fingers against his knees as he felt his stomach flutter with even more butterflies than it did on the third year at the realization that smacked him like a ton of bricks

I'm in love with my best friend...Bloody Hell, I'm screwed.

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