Walk away

"The fact that I'm silent doesn't mean I have nothing to say"

Mariana's POV

Squeaking.
Wind.
Waves.
Tension grew heavy in my heart as I listened to the wheels of the pram squeak as I walked along the beach.

The waves crashing louder and louder in my ears as the breeze swept through my hair and my coat.

I could see him. I saw him the moment I got out of the car.
Sat at the end of the beach, on a lonely seemingly fallen tree log, still.

Like a statue. Something you didn't want to disturb
As Cyril ran around in the sand.
I don't know if he heard me
If he expected me.
But he didn't move.
Not at the sound of the wheels rolling in the sand, hitting the stones.

And then... I stopped.
Stood behind him, unable to speak.

Because what could I say?
I was upset?
I felt betrayed?
Then what? Then I forgive... I don't forgive.

I push him away and hurt myself even more?
I couldn't take him back... I couldn't, I could-

"So this... this is what everything cost" I said, parking the pram beside him.
"Yeah" he drawled out, seemingly trying to restrain himself once again.
Acting like he was okay. Like he always did.
Acting like I could walk away right now and he would be fine.

"This is what everything cost. All seems..." he faltered, looking out at the sea.
"A waste?" I asked, sitting beside him
"Lonely" he said simply, still refusing to look at me.

I looked out, trying to grasp any idea at why this place was the be all and end all.
"You're not going to shout at me? Shoot me?" He asked
"Despite what I think you've been telling yourself Alfie. You know I couldn't" I said.

He sighed, looking down
"Yeah... yeah I do know that" he said.

"Rather it'd been you than Tommy though" he commented
"You started my heart, seems only fitting you stop it" he said, encasing us in silence.

I could never stop his heart
Because it would stop mine too.

"Can I..."
"Yes" I said. Watching him pick Carter up from the pram, still asleep, as he held him in front of him, staring at his face.
"I had so many plans..." he mumbled quietly, whilst I took to looking at the water.

Where do we go from here?
Why did it have to get to here?
"I got a big house... with blue windows... garden, looks right over here... to the sea" he explained calmly.

"I thought this would be our peace" he said, closing his eyes
"I don't know what peace is anymore Alfie" I said honestly.
He finally looked at me, the feeling to run once more all the more prominent

Because I couldn't handle his eyes. That look of love and regret. The one that begged me to crumble and run away with him.
To live out a dream in Margate.
"Don't cry" he said
I hadn't realised I was.
"You're too beautiful to cry" he mumbled, looking back at Carter.

"Your mums always been too beautiful lad. Maybe that's the problem" he said.
"Maybe I'm too far gone" he said.
"Maybe. You should have trusted me" I said simply
"I trust you with everything I have dove... although I guess that's not much anymore" he said.

He must have heard about Luca?
He could reclaim his property, with enough manpower.

"Luca is dead" I said.
"I heard" he replied.
"But what is a business if I have no purpose?" He asked
"You've always had purpose" I said.

"And then. I had you" he said.
"And you don't anymore?" I asked
"Do I?" He asked. Eyes connecting once more

"I... I don't know" I said.
"I need time" I said
"We all need time" he said, before he chuckled
"All I fucking wanted was some time... some peace" he said

"With you"

"Alfie" I let out. In an attempt to cry for help
To ask him to fix everything
But he couldn't.
This was it. He had gone too far and we both knew I couldn't let him waltz back into my heart again.
Trust him again.

"You're not coming back?" I asked
"Once Tommy finds me. I'm dead Mar. Dead man walking. Have been for months" he said.
"Will be even if he doesn't kill me" he said
I could barely hold any more tears in as he mentioned the cancer.

Why was it like this?
Why this?
Why couldn't we get a happy ever after? For once
I never asked for much.
And all I got was loss and pain
Heartache and betrayal.

"He won't kill you" I said

"Then you don't know him as much as you think" he said.
He wouldn't kill him. I know he wouldn't.
Tommy's made mistakes, trusted the wrong people
I never killed Grace.
Never killed Tatiana.
No one ever held a gun to his head and held him accountable for his actions.

"No. I thought I knew you" I said.
"You do. I told you from the beginning dove, I don't deserve happiness" he said, glazed eyes fixed on me
"And you" he smiled
"You came along and told me I was wrong" he said

"Because you're always wrong" I said.
"I know... I wish I wasn't. I wish I'd surrendered everything there and then" he said, thinking back.

"So... this is it then?" He asked, calmly and bluntly. In true Alfie fashion.
Unable to cry and beg.
"You'd let me go? So easily? I thought you wanted us to live here, the dream..." I said.

"I know you Mariana, I know you and I love you. First time I've ever loved anything. I know you've made up your mind. No amount of begging will change that. And like I said, come tomorrow I'll probably be dead so" he explained.

"Alfie... I... you tried to kill them" I said
It was the worst heartache I think I had ever experienced
Because I love him.
I love him so much and it hurts to know I couldn't forgive him.
That I had to leave him and love him anyway.

"Tried..."
"Arthur is alive" I said
"Yeah... I know that too" he said.
"You know a lot" I said simply.

"Nothing that matters. I thought I knew everything Mar, I thought eventually... we would be happy here, you and me. This one. Maybe a few more down the line..." he said
Another one very soon.
"But the way you looked at me. I know when I'm running a race with no finish line" he said.

Leaving us in silence
And we sat in silence. For a long while.
"What will you do now?" He asked
"Go home" I said.
And I didn't know where that was.
My old home.
Our new home.
Watery lane.

"You?" I asked
He said nothing, he truly believed he was already dead.
That soon... fate would come knocking for him to repent.

The waves calmed. The breeze slowed. And soon the sun began to fall. Much like us.
Slowly and gently turning to red. Returning to the sea.

"It was perfect. While it lasted" he said.
I said nothing, looking at him
"Pretending I was a good man. That I could be a good man" he said.

"You are a good man. You just lack the will to be" I said.
"Maybe so. You made me want to be a good man" he said.

"You made me feel like I could be... whole again" I said
"You should probably go, before the reaper comes knocking" he said.

I hesitated, unable to actually stand
Because I knew this was it
Once I walk away. I was walking away from us
From everything we had built together.
"You'll still have Carter? You'll still... be a father" I said, trying to grasp any extra time I could
Any second to still sit by the man I called my husband.
The man I loved with all my heart.

"Yeah. Course" he said, I knew he didn't mean it. He was talking on his so called death impending.
But I knew he would live. He would always live.
Men like him and Tommy never died.
They were too clever.

I slowly stood up. Taking Carter from his arms and putting him back in his pram.
My hands grasped the handles and suddenly everything became real.

"Walk away dove" he said, seemingly also trying not to break down. I couldn't.
I looked at him, almost wishing he would beg
That he would shout and cry and beg me to stay.
That he still believed we could work.

But he didn't
He thought I was ready to walk away.
And I wasn't. I never would be.

I took one step. One step before the words fell out of mouth
"I love you" I said quietly.
He dipped his head, a sigh wracking his body before he stood up, grabbing hold of my cheeks and kissing me.

The hardest kiss I had ever had. Because it was the last kiss. And when you know it's the last... it physically rips your heart to pieces. The moment his lips left mine, my heart was empty.
Empty because I had lost him.

He had taken my heart, my head, everything I ever had. Was his.
It always would be.

"Who are you?" He whispered.
"That's the first thing I ever said to you" he smiled, eyes closed as his forehead leant against mine
"And now look at you, my wife, taking my heart away with you" he said.

"I love you. There was never a fucking doubt about it" he said.
Only worsening my cries as I choked back a sob.

And then I made a decision I would regret for the rest of my life.

I walked away.
I did as he told me. And I walked away.

I had ran away once again. I did what I've done my whole life. And ran from my problems.
From my feelings and the pain
I walked away with tears staining my cheeks and a hole in my chest that seemed to stab my body with every step.

Alfie's POV

I had always questioned the faith of god.
How such god could create such atrocities as war... blindness... violence.
But now.
Now it was confirmed.
No god sat up there. And if there was a higher being, they were a twisted psychotic cunt.

Because no being on earth... could possibly let that woman walk away from me.
Could leave me here to die in... heartbreak.

Maybe it was punishment
Maybe it was what happens to men like me

I had never felt heartbreak. I had never felt such a cruel and painful feeling.
I had been beaten, tortured, hunted
And nothing compared.

Nothing at all compared to watching her walk away from me.
To restraining myself from chasing her. Begging her, downright crying for her to come back.
To fix me.

I remember her words. How I never needed fixing.
I needed saving.
And she couldn't. She gave me chance after chance and I broke her trust once again.

I didn't want Margate
I didn't want peace or redemption or even the fucking time
I wanted her
I wanted her to save me.

So I know this was a long one, but they obviously had a lot to say to each other, especially as we all know where this is heading. But remember, it is an Alfie and Mar story, so Alfie will appear again. This is not the end for them.

Vote and Comment
Thoughts???

•