The Manslater and Hubby Vision

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"Now the next two I'll be showing you will be commercials." Zack told them.

"Commercials?" Roman complained. "What do you mean like the ones on TV?"

The others agreed. Commercials were the stupid things that interrupted your TV shows and sometimes got stuck in your head if their songs were catchy enough.

"Not just any commercials! The products that they are promoting are things that will change your life!" Zack told them.

"This I'll have to see to believe..." Qrow said as the commercial started.

Kali was folding the laundry on the couch when Ghira walked by with a golf bag on his back.

"Hey! Are you golfing today?" Kali asked.

"Yeah," Ghira answered.

"Again Ghira!" Kali complained to her husband.

"But you always say that its fine?" Ghira said confused.

Tai, as the only other married man there who was on good terms with his significant other, patted him on the shoulder.

"I understand completely." Tai told him as the two husbands bonded over confusing wives.

Summer, Raven and Kali had the strange urge to find a frying pan to hit their husbands over the head.

"It's the second time this week!"

"But you said it was fine." Ghira replied confused.

"It is fine!" Kali threw down the shirt she was folding. "It's perfectly fine." She left the living room as Ghira looked on wondering what he did wrong.

"Honestly Ghira..." Kali huffed.

"But you just said..." Ghira began but was stopped by Ozpin.

"You don't want to go there." Ozpin told him. As Remnants leading expert on spousal fights, he knew that the men never won.

Why his and Salem's fight had gone on for a thousand years and he was almost always on the back foot.

Salem felt the strange urge to strangle Ozpin, and not for the usual reasons either. This was more like the anger of a married woman whose husband just said something stupid.

'We never even really divorced all those centuries ago!' Salem thought. 'Does that mean he cheats on me every time he gets together with a new woman when he reincarnates?'

People gave Salem space as she radiated a dark aura. Even Zack looked at her warily. This was the aura of a married woman who just realized she was being scorned! No way was he getting involved in that!

'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!' Hazel thought as he patted out the fire on his sleeve. He almost felt sorry for Ozpin, almost.

"Are you confused by female behaviour?" A voice off screen asked. "Wish you had a translator to understand what she means!"

Ghira nodded.

All the guys nodded as well. Their lives would be so much easier if they could understand what the women in their lives were actually talking about.

The women rolled their eyes. 'Men!' they thought. Understanding them wasn't that complicated.

"Well you're in luck!"

"Really?" Jaune asked hopefully. 17 years living with seven sisters hadn't helped him at all in understanding women, as evident by his abysmal ability to flirt.

Saphron sighed. They tried, really they did. But Jaune was just too much of a dense boy to learn the language.

The Manslater is shown.

" Introducing the Manslater! A revolutionary device which translate woman language into simple man words. Finally the power to know what she means."

"Does it work though?" Roman asked sceptically. 'And does it work on body language?' He wondered since Neo was mute.

"We're about to find out." Adam said, giving the screen his full attention. 'Maybe it was a miscommunication that caused Blake to leave.' He thought.

Ghira was talking on his scroll. "OK, cool! Let me just check with my wife."

"Hey babe, a T time opened up later. You mind if I go?" He asked Kali who was on her notebook.

"Fine! If that's what you want to do." She answered.

Ghira was about to reply to his friend but stopped and check the Manslater.

"NO GO. STAY HOME!"

"It works!" The guys exclaimed, already prepping their scrolls to order a Manslater for themselves.

"We need to research this technology..." Ironwood mumbled. He and his female subordinates sometimes had miscommunications that resulted in awkward situations for him. To be able to avoid those...

Even Winter scorned him for some time after the Incident. Winter who would probably didn't know the meaning of the word disobedience scorned him!

Ghira put down his scroll. "On second thought, I think I'll just stay here with you and watch the notebook."

"Aww." Kali said. "How sweet!"

Ghira joined Kali on the couch and they cuddled.

"Now that's more like it!"

Ghira gave the screen a thumbs up as he switched on the TV.

Ghira gave his on screen self a thumbs up as well. He needed that thing, yesterday!

Blake already knew what she was getting for Father's Day. So did Ruby and Yang, not that he really needed it since he never found another woman after Summer, but he could still use it when talking to the female teachers at Signal Academy.

Weiss couldn't care less if her father suddenly had a heart attack. Her mother became a drunk because of him, he deserved any misunderstanding with a woman he had as far as she was concerned.

"The Manslater uses emotion deciphering technology to help you out of the toughest jams."

Tai was in his car as he called Raven. "Hey is everything OK? You seem upset."

"Why would I be upset?" Raven hanged up as she stabbed a Beowolf with more malice than usual.

"What did you do Tai?" Qrow asked.

"How should I know?" Tai replied.

"Because Raven stabbed that Beowolf more brutally than she had too," Summer said. "She only does that when she's pissed."

"Yes dear," Raven said with false sweetness. "What did you do or not do?"

Tai sweated as his team turned on him so easily. His daughters shook their heads as he looked at them pleadingly. Even Zwei ran to the bathroom and locked the door.

Tai looked at the Manslater.

"FORGOT ANNIVERSARY JERK!"

"Oh no way!" Tai realized.

"You JERK!" Raven and Summer yelled.

"I really need that thing..." Tai mumbled as his two ex-wives pounded their fists at him.

None of the girls gave him any sympathy. It was his fault for forgetting his own anniversary.

Qrow raised a bottle of beer at Tai as he was beaten black and blue. This was why he never dated or entered a serious relationship.

That night, after Raven returned from a mission, she found the table set up for a romantic dinner for two and Tai dressed up in a nice suit.

"Happy anniversary babe." He greeted.

"You remembered." Raven said tearfully as she threw down her weapon.

"Come on! Of course I did." Tai got up and hugged Raven. He turned to the screen and gave a thumbs up as well.

"No you didn't..." Raven growled. She may have been the one who left, but Tai was the one who had the gull to forget their anniversary.

(Fem logic. Don't get it? Don't worry. If you are a female, please don't kill me.)

"Thanks to the Manslater patented Fem Logic Processing Chip, now any man can decode statements like..."

"Are you wearing that?" Coco asked.

"YOU CHANGE NOW!"

"You heard me!" Coco said to her two male teammates.

"So that's what she means every morning..." The two boys realized.

"Hey! Do you want to get some coffee?" Velvet asked.

"ME WANT COFFEE!"

"Couldn't you just say that?" Fox asked. "We would have just got you one?"

"But I just did!" Velvet answered.

Yatsuhashi and Fox looked at each other confused. They really needed a Manslater.

"Do you think she's pretty?" Blake asked.

"YOU THINK SHE PRETTIER THAN ME!"

"No!" Sun answered immediately as Blake gave Sun a scrutinizing look as if she didn't believe him.

Adam remembered when they were together and she asked that. He answered poorly that day.

"Aw... You're such a good friend." Ruby said.

"ME NEVER DATE YOU!"

"Ruby! My heart!" Jaune said as he put his hands over his heart.

"Ahh! Jaune! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!" Ruby apologized.

"So does that mean you'd date him?" Yang teased as Ruby went as red as her cloak.

Pryyha looked at Ruby as if she was a Grimm, something to slay.

"I'm fine." Weiss said.

"ME NOT FINE!"

"Good to know." Neptune said. Now if only he knew how to cheer Weiss up.

"I'll be ready in five minutes!" Yang said.

"ME READY THIRTY MINUTE!"

"Don't need a translator to tell us that!" RWB_ said.

"Hey!" Yang said. "I don't take that long!"

"You always use up all the hot water in the shower." Weiss began.

"It takes you forever to brush your hair." Blake continued.

"And you use up all the shampoo and conditioner within a week!" Ruby finished.

Yang pouted at her team. These luscious locks don't just take care of themselves.

"Do whatever you want." Glynda said.

"YOU NO DO WHAT YOU WANT!"

"Damn." Ozpin said.

Salem looked at Glynda carefully. Was she the harlot who was Ozma's current beau? Why did she care? And how painfully should her demise be?

"Could you rub my shoulders a little bit?" Pryyha asked.

"NO HANKY PANKY! ONLY MASSAGE! ME SERIOUS!"

"That could change." Pryyha whispered into Jaune's ear.

Jaune went bright red at that, his mind thinking naughty thoughts that weren't child friendly.

Ren wondered if he and Nora should ask for their own room.

Nora wondered what they could do in a room to themselves. It would just be the two of them, and she would crawl towards Ren and his oh so kissable lips...

Nora went off to la la land as she imagined hot steamy things she and Ren could do in a room to themselves.

"The Manslater even works on men! Finally, women can learn the deeper meaning of his words."

"Interesting..." Amber said.

"Woah!" Jaune said.

"YOU'RE BEAUTY IS STUNNING."

Pryyha blushed, remembering all the times Jaune said that when she demonstrated how to sword fight to him. So that was him complimenting her?

"Hey! Mind if I catch a movie with the guys?" Sun asked.

"YOU ARE A LOVELY WONDERFUL WOMAN WHO MEETS ALL OF MY NEEDS, AND EVEN THOUGH I WILL MISS YOU, THIS NIGHT I WISH TO SEE DEATH COP 9 WITH MY BROS."

The boys nodded. That was more or less what they meant but longer, and more complicated.

"I don't know..." Blake said. How could she be sure that he wasn't seeing other girls on the side.

"I'm fine." Ren said.

"I'M FINE. REALLY. STOP LOOKING AT ME."

"Ren-Ren, you know I worry!" Nora told Ren.

"I'm fine Nora." Ren told her.

"The Manslater can even be customized with voices of real celebrities being impersonated like Yoda!"

"IN MUCH TROUBLE YOU ARE. TO THE DOG HOUSE GO YOU!"

"Or Mr. T."

"I PITY THE FOOL WHO LEAVES THE TOILET SEAT UP!"

"Can they do Spruce Willis?" Sage asked.

"I don't see why not." Zack answered.

"Yes!" Sage and Scarlet said. Receiving girl advice from a famous actor was like a dream come through for them.

"So get your Manslater today! Clarity is just a phone call away!"

"YOU NEED BUY ME!"

"Tell me you got the number down?" Sun asked.

"Don't worry," Jaune said showing him his scroll. "I took a picture before it ended."

"Nice!" Neptune answered.

"There's still another commercial." Zack told them.

https://youtu.be/3nllrCss2CU

Hubby Vision

Summer was opening a package when Tai walked in.

"Hey, are we still going out tonight?" Tai asked.

"Yeah! I just need a minute." Summer answered.

"Alright. I'll go get ready." Tai went to get ready.

Summer opened her package and pulled out a pair of glasses.

"Hubby Vision," Summer read. "See the world through your husband's eyes."

"Oooh! Interesting." Summer said, wondering how Tai saw the world compared to her.

Summer put them on and looked around but saw nothing different.

She took them off, thinking that she had been scammed.

"Looks like you got ripped off." Mercury said.

Summer huffed in return.

She went to throw the box but saw the bin was full.

"Tai..." Summer said, having told him to take out the trash. "I thought you said you were going to take the trash out!"

"It's not time yet! There's still plenty of room in there." Tai answered from a different room.

"Yeah!" Tai said. "Plenty of room."

"Yup!" Qrow said. "Lots of space in there."

All the guys said something similar as the girls looked in confusion. The bin was obviously full.

Summer sighed then remembered the glasses.

Putting them on, she saw that the bin still had plenty of room.

Taking them off again, she saw that the bin was full.

Putting them back on showed the bin as empty.

"They work!" Summer threw the box into the bin, seeing the box disappear then left.

"So that's why they never empty the bin." The girls of the mixed gender teams realized.

The guys look at the girls confused. The bin still had plenty of room. Why would they throw it out?

The box was just piled on top of a full bin.

Summer went to check on the vacuum cleaner, seeing it fixed.

"He fixed it!"

Summer took off the glasses and looked again. The vacuum cleaner was duct taped together.

"Oh... He 'fixed' it."

Ruby and Yang despaired, remembering when their dad did his 'Fixer' thing. It ended up making things more expensive than if they had just paid for the repair in the first place.

She closed the closet door.

Entering their bedroom, on the bed were three cushions with the words 'Home', 'Life is Beautiful' and 'Love'.

Putting on the glasses, the words changed to read 'Nope', 'Not for Sleeping' and 'Cursive'.

"That's what you see?" Emerald asked Merury.

"All I see is a bunch of cursive." He answered.

Emerald wondered if there was an illusion on the world that made the men and women see different things.

"I taught him well." Summer said to herself.

Walking out of the bedroom, she tripped on something.

Looking back, she saw nothing on the carpet.

"What?"

Taking off the glasses, she saw Tai's shoes.

"Tai..."

Kali sighed, remembering when Ghira would leave his shoes all over the house.

No wonder he could never find them.

She picked up the shoes and walked to the living room.

In the living room, Tai was already ready and was watching some TV.

"You left your shoes in the middle of the room again." Summer told him as she put down the shoes.

"Oh! There they are." Tai said. "You ready to go yet?"

Summer sighed, realizing that he probably saw something very different.

"You probably haven't noticed..." She threw the glasses at Tai. "...but I haven't changed clothes yet."

She left to get changed as Tai picked up the glasses.

He read the text on one of the glasses arms. 'May have reverse effect on husband'.

The guys leaned in closer, wondering what the girls saw.

"Hmm..." Tai put them on and looked around.

"Whoa! Look at the walls! There really is a difference between 'pebble gray' and 'driftwood'! Hey honey! Have you seen the walls?!"

"There is?" Jaune asked.

"Of course!" Saphron answered. "Our home was painted periwinkle blue, not light blue Jaune! Honestly..."

He got up to see some more.

"Did you know these pictures are crooked?"

"They always are..." The women sighed as the men wondered, "They were?"

He reached their bedroom where Summer was dressed in a nice black blouse with a floral pattern and a black skirt.

"Nothing fits. Everything looks terrible. Let's just go eat dinner." Summer said as she left the room.

"What are you talking about Summer?" Tai asked. "You look fine."

"Fine!" Summer glared at Tai. "Fine! Is that it!"

Tai stuttered as he tried to figure out what he said wrong. Behind him, Summer gave Qrow and her daughters a wink.

They suppressed a laugh as they realized Summer was pranking Tai.

Tai took off the glasses to see a very different sight.

"Huh!" Tai said as he went wide eyed. The room was littered with clothing from when Summer chose what to wear for dinner.

The men remembered when they returned to the bedroom to this scene. How they never saw it was beyond them.

Tai slowly put the glasses back on.

"So who wants to try them out?" Zack asked as rows of the two items appeared.

They wasted no time in taking one of each. Now if only they could test them.

A door appeared near them.

"That'll take you to a replica of a standard house belonging to a family of four in Vale." Zack explained. "The Manslater obviously you can test on each other and the glasses in the house. You have one hour."

They quickly entered the house, eager to try out their new favourite items.

All but Salem and Ozpin as Salem asked something.

"Can we have a private room?" She asked as she kept her grip on Ozpin. She was smiling so sweetly that it was obviously faked.

"May I ask why?" Zack asked, Ozpin sending him a pleading look.

"Oh, Ozpin and I just have to 'discuss' the particulars of our marriage a thousand years ago."

Zack sent Ozpin a silent apology as he made a door leading to an empty office. Ozpin cried as he was dragged through the door, the door slamming shut as soon as both were through.

"That poor man," Zack said. "Now what to do next?"

Looking at the remnants of their snacks and drinks, he sighed.

"Might as well clean up while they're away."

Let us all pray for Ozpin's continued well being as he and Salem have an overdue chat on the legalities of their marriage.

Next: Starship Troopers Invasion Trailer

(23 May 2020)