" ": You talking

' ': You thinking

* *: Narrator/Voice-off

Your POV:

*SCHPOOF*

"... ... Haaa... Home sweet home... Never though a vacation could tire me out so much... I probably should stay away from the Capital for a little while..."

*Klick klick*

"... Locked ? Odd... The door should be open if these guys are here... Did they go out for whatever reason... ?"

*Piip Piip piip !*

"... And here comes the chicken proclaimed dragon... Well, at least I'll have a way to pass time until they're here... Aren't you a bit bigger than you were before ?"

Zell: Piip !

"... Yeah, I don't speak chicken..."

*SLAM*

Aqua: Dragon thief !!

"It's a chicken you numb-skull !! And speaking of numb, why the hell is the door locked ?! I thought no one was there !!"

Aqua: ... ... ... I'm not quite sure what you're talking about. After talking with Megumin and Darkness, we decided this mansion belongs to the beautiful Goddess Aqua-sama. Darkness has her own mansion in this city, Megumin has her home over at the Crimson Demon village, and Kazuma can stay at that succubus' store for all I care, so the house ended up in my hands. That's how this mansion became my property. Weren't you going to live in the castle ? Get out Get out of my yard now !

".. That's got to be a new height of stupidity you just reached there. Did you hit your head or something ? What happened to fry your brain to the point of coming up with that ?

*SLAM*

"... Oh, so you want to play it like that, huh ? Fine, we'll play then..."

*F-TWOOOOOOOOOM*

"Open the door if you don't want a brand-new coloration, the charcoal special !!"

Darkness: ... Oh, if it's not the great one standing leisurely here to see us. Had a great week at the capital with your little sister ?

"... Huh ?"

Megumin: Hahaha, we really are nothing to you... Being a poser aside, you dare to strut in front of us after claiming you don't need to return from the castle. I never thought you would have the audacity to do that !

"... Claiming to... Hey hold on, did you not receive my letters ?! I was basically being held hostage !"

Darkness: Oh right, those letters... Claiming that your life has never been better with Lady Iris and that you don't feel the need to come back !

"... What ?! Hey, I never wrote that !"

Megumin: Well, see for yourself then !

"... That's my hand-writing... But I never made that... ! Who could... Someone very salty that I was staying there, and enough skill to copy my writing..."

"... ... ... KAZUUUUUUUUUUUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!"

Kazuma: So yeah, if that ass wants to enjoy his stay at the castle, then let him do.

Dust: Dude... Aren't you afraid if he finds out about that ?

Kazuma: Pffrr. There's no way he's coming back to Axel. And even so, what's the worse he-

"... ... ... KAZUUUUUUUUUUUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!"

Keith: ... ... We will order the flowers for your funeral.

"*Sip* Sooo... Now that this misunderstanding has been settled, and someone's about to get his pockets ran... Did anything happen while I was gone ?"

Darkness: Nothing much... But now that you mention it, Kazuma did have some sort of smirk these days... Especially after coming back from Wiz's shop...

"Yes, that checks out with the cursed letters he kept sending. Thankfully, he still had enough brains to make them annoying and not dangerous..."

Darkness: ... Hey, what's that ? That vial... ?

"Oh, that... Something Claire gave me right before I came back... She said something about it being for Kazuma, I believe... Any idea what this might be ?"

Darkness: That... If I'm not mistaken... It looks like the infamous potion of memory wiping, that's seldom used even by the royals...

"Memory wiping, you say..."

Darkness: yes... That potion erases memory proportionally with dosage, with a side effect of causing dementia if you're unfortunate...

"So she wants me to give it to Kazuma for... Reasons I can easily think of... Well either way, I'll deal with him personally, so I'll just hold onto that for the time being. That could be quite the useful thing to have around."

Darkness: The head of the Symphonia family does indeed have rights to use the memory potion. Besides, she's an important figure in the Kingdom's government...

"Checks out. Well, better hide this from Kazuma then, Something of that caliber could easily wipe out a full week worth of memories by itself... Whatever. Right now, I need a nap."

Darkness: Y- yes... well, welcome home-

Aqua: What are you lot talking about ? Busy being stupid ? How braindead do you have to be to believe this shameless, vile Psychopath NEET ? Mark my words, I bet he conveniently stayed after hearing something like "Onii-chan Daisuki" from that iris. Since life surrounded by maids and butlers is so heavenly, he thought he might as well live his carefree life at the capital and not give a damn about us anymore. It must be true !

"... You know, I sometimes wonder how you can be so wrong and right at the exact same time. Such a paradox is truly mind-boggling..."

Aqua: See ?! For now, you are forbidden from entering the mansion. If you really wish to enter, prostate before me and say, "I'm sorry Aqua-sama". In addition, you must offer sincere prayers of worship three times a day from here on out; if you won't get out of my face ! Leave, now ! The hell was that, would you stop trying to trick my darkness and Megumin-"

Megumin: he already left.

Aqua: What ?!

*SLAM*

Megumin: Something about mumbling "Screw this bitch", so I can't really know if he was talking about you or Darkness.

Darkness: H- hey !!

"Swear to Eris, that self-centered bitch really thinking above her own weight class if she thinks she can keep me off like that..."

Vanir: Oh ? Well, if it isn't mine esteemed colleague and associate, long time no see. Are thou here on a walk tonight as well ? The full moon filleth the air with magical power, making the perfect environment for walks ! After a walk, I plan to climb atop an Axis church and replace their holy symbol with this particularly erotic radish. Mindst thou coming along ?

"While I very much appreciate the idea, I'll have to decline the invitation. Being seen doing that would be bad publicity for me. Besides, I'm busy having to deal with a specific devil, self-proclaimed goddess."

Vanir: Hahaha, so that was the source of the negative vibes I was feeling in the air ! Let me guess, she foolishly tried locking you out after you came back from the trip, in her own power-trip ?

"Bullseye. So right now, i'm just letting her enjoy her little thing before I storm my house and kick her out. You can stay and watch if you want."

Vanir: Such would be my pleasure, dear associate. So how do you plan on accomplishing that. Maybe sneak in through the window of that girl that seemed concerned about your prolonged absence ?

"... You expect me to sneak into my own house like some sort of thief ? I think I'll go through the front door after announcing myself, thank you very much."

Vanir: ... Oh, this will be much better than I anticipated...

"Right, I'll also have to request that you don't sell cursed paper to Kazuma anymore, the ashes are a pain to deal with"

Aqua: Room check ! Darkness, Megumin, are you awake as I told ? I have a feeling that man will likely try to infiltrate through your bedrooms tonight ! You guys may feel sleepy these days, but try to adapt alright ?

Darkness: We're awake, Aqua. It's all fine, no problems here. Why don't you take a rest too, Aqua ? Besides, even if he were to infiltrate, wasn't Kazuma the one who slandered him with these letters ? Shouldn't we let him in... ?

Aqua: No way in hell ! Zero tolerance for that dirty Hikikomori ! I get it that Darkness must be the type that would walk a thousand miles for the man she loves even though he's total garbage ! And no matter how many times he screws us over, you'd always forgive him out of affection ! That's what my all-seeing eyes are telling me !

Darkness: W- W- What are you talking ?! I- It's nothing like that... !

Megumin: ... Are you that mad that he refused to fund the Axis Cult with his profits ?

Aqua: AM NOT !! If anything, that devil should revere me and be grateful to be able to gaze upon my beauty and grace every single day, and properly provide wealth to spread my name and fame throughout the land !!

Vanir Muahahaha ! Muahahaha !! Come out, come out and fight, toilet Goddess ! Tonight, the moon is waxed, a priceless moment for the great I whose magic power is at its absolute peak ! As a duke of hell, I'm here to send thee back to whence thou came'st !

Megumin: Speaking of devils...

Aqua: Gah ! So you've finally shown your true self, you mentally defective devil ! Right back at you, I'll send you whence you came first !

Vanir: Bring it on, bring it on ! I'd like to see thee try ! Take this, Vanir-style... !!

*F-TWOOOOOOOOOOOM*

"Vanir-Style knocking"

Aqua: Gh... G- GOD BLOOOOOOW !!

"... Aight... Annihilation it is."

https://youtu.be/qWJ9c-SmyHk

Vanir: Hmmmmmm, much excellent, dear associate ! I have finally been able to taste the despair and utter terror in that phony goddess' voice, so I am extraordinarily grateful. Here, thou canst have this complimentary erotic-looking radish as a bonus.

"I don't want it. I'll just drag that burned-out blue thing back inside and... Well, the memory wiping potion will be handy for that..."

Darkness: Y- You'll use it on her ?

"if it can keep her from bitching. Don't worry, i'm just erasing the last week to make her think we all came back at the same time. i'm not that cruel."

Megumin: the simple fact you had to point it out...

Vanir: ... Dear associate, if I may... Won't she just purify the potion if you feed it to her ?

"Months of watching her get wasted on alcohol led me to think she can't purify what she drinks. Moreover, knocked out as she is, I doubt she'll be able to do anything. So keep her in place, would you ?"

Darkness: I still don't know what to think about using that potion...

"Worst case scenario, it didn't work and I wasted it."

Darkness: if that's the case, hurry up and make up with her, alright ? She kept saying everyday "Is that wanton psycho still not home ? Still not home ?!". While you were away, she always seemed bored, a bit lonely, even. Like, she didn't have enough energy bickering with Kazuma... She also prepared dinner for you every night, calling it "the portion for the wanton psycho who's still out-and-about". In the ends, she force-fed us the extra food.

"... I'll go and see what can be done with that idiot once she wakes up"