" ": You talking

' ': You thinking

* *: Narrator/Voice-off

Your POV:

"You two, please settle down. You're not making yourselves any favors by bickering around like two toddlers."

Princess: Whatever... So you found my true self, very well. What will you do about it ?

"Well, there's always the option of quite literally burning this entire forest to the ground, put whatever is left of you through a grinder and disperse the ashes all over the ocean."

Kazuma: Please contain the calamity, dude. But he has a point. We're adventurers and you're a monster. We're blatantly enemies and not compatible whatsoever.

Princess: What in the world did I do wrong ? Everyone who came here did so on their own accord ! They'd much rather have me send them off to meet their Gods than die alone ! It's only fair that I feed off their bodies in exchange. The adventurers passed away without pain, without loneliness, it's a blessing ! I, in turn, also live a wonderful life having quality nutrients at my disposal. Why are you so ticked off by this positive cycle of mutual benefits ? What a faux-humanitarian !

Kazuma: Did you think dropping your shell would make you less of a scorpion ? We've come to kill you. According to the Adventurers' guild, because you've converted this forest into a suicide paradise, their reputation took a hit.

"... The forest of suicide... What irony. Real glad I didn't bring a camera..."

Kazuma: There is no one to cancel us here. And even so, to prevent more people from seeking their doom here, they're putting up an eye-catching warning sign at the entrance.

Princess: Hold on a second, don't jump to conclusions yet. All aside, you do know that you can't harm me, right ? I've rooted here since nearly a hundred years ago. Do you honestly believe that no one before has found my true self during all this time ? Do you know what happened to them ? Whatever game it is you're playing, it won't work. You can't defeat me.

Kazuma: Oh I know. But he can. Go get her.

"... Nah. I still don't feel like attacking her. The magic item didn't lie, and neither did I. Though uprooting her is still very much in the realm of possibilities."

Kazuma: ... How do you...

Princess: Oh, chill out there. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't planning to assassinate you in the dark. Rather, it was supposed to be an incentive for you.

Kazuma: What's that supposed to mean ?

Princess: Dig down, you'll find valuable things in there.

"... The equipment and valuables of the adventurers..."

Kazuma: Aren't you a little too human-esque ? Even trying bribery.

Princess: Isn't it nonetheless a good trade for both ? You'd get the money, and I'll be spared. Guess this is a win-win. As I've said, we aim to live in harmony with nature.

Kazuma: ... You've found the wrong guys. Name's Kazuma, Satou Kazuma, the adventurer from Axel who has exterminated numerous Demon Generals. Please don't put me on their level, alright ? My excellence so far has earned me more than enough money. Also, the guy behind me is literally a billionaire.

Princess: H- Hey, hey, hold it, calm down. I understand now that you're a strong man not prone to greed or lust...

'*SNORT*'

Kazuma: ... What was that ?

"A fit of laughter painfully stifled..."

Princess: I- I frankly underestimated you. You're the cleverest adventurers I've met so far, areal adventurer with admirable virtue.

Kazuma: Trying to butter us up after your bribery failed, huh. It's a shame, for as someone who has showed off his skills plenty of times, I'm no longer swayed by such meager compliments. After all, just recently, I've been making the maids in the city list out at least 10 good points about me on a daily basis.

"Maybe it's worth noting none of them could go past four."

Princess: What in the world is wrong with you ?! Even as a monster I find you insane.

"... I've had enough. Hey Kazuma, grab this."

Princess: ... W- What's this... ? Wait a second, what are you doing ?

Kazuma: is that... ?

"Yup. Last creating from Vanir, by following your directives. Behold, herbicide."

Princess: I- I get it, I get it, let's pause for a moment and keep chatting. If you aren't okay with me living here, just go ahead and move me to someplace in those faraway mountains... ! Also, please note, I'm making it clear that I did not encourage humans to shorten their lifespan, and furthermore, I've even helped old adventurers ! To be honest, much of the content from their stories I've had to hear countless of times over and over. My life is filled with hardships, too ! Don't I deserve at least a little benefit ?!

"... Picture an active volcano, just far enough from your city to not be an immediate danger. It doesn't have any evil intentions, yet wouldn't you try to remove it, should have the means to do so ?"

Princess: You said you wouldn't harm me !

"Yes. But i'm not responsible for what others do with these. Kazuma, if you may. I also got some napalm in there."

Kazuma: Mmmaybe keep that one for now. Besides, you said to move you, but how would that work ? isn't that big tree a part of you ?

Princess: My body consists of this whole forest. Since my roots are everywhere, you only have to dig it all up...

Kazuma: How would that be possible ?! You know how big this forest is, right ?!

Princess: Okay, i'm begging you, please spare me ! Take all the treasures if you want ! Should you spare me, I'll remember you for life ! I still recall every adventurer I've euthanized so far. Even those whose lives were cut short can live on within my memories; i'm willing to treasure even the ones who aren't able to lose their virginity, how does that sound ? I beg you, let me live...

"How about this one ? We still get rid of you, take all the treasures afterward, and then claim the reward back at the guild."

Princess: Waaaah ! Monster ! There's a monster here ! You gotta be joking, right ?! I- I understand, we can talk ! I'll do anything I can ! Look, for example, I can let you play with these things you've been constantly staring at all you want !

*Boin Boin*

Princess: I couldn't really help it, could I ? Putting the remains of the dead to use is a type of recycling, an environmentally-friendly process. they'd turn into dust anyway, so why not let me absorb them ?

"Keep talking, i'm listening... With twelve bottle, that should be more than enough. This is the pure formula, so be careful not to spill it, it burns a bit."

Princess: ... S- Say, don't these excite you at least in the slightest ?

"... ... Nah."

Princess: *EMOTIONAL DAMAGE*

Princess: L- Look, why don't we all speak truthfully ? Nobody is around, see ? You still are interested just a little, right ? Siphoning nutrients from the Earth is what makes us plants, just as how your urges to grab boobs is a defining attributes of males. Why criminalize basic instincts ? Monsters are living, you're also living ! Come on, follow your instincts, let nature guide your life !

Kazuma: You're wasting your time. If anything, lust is the very last thing he'd fall for.

"Kazuma... Kazuma... Kazumaaaa. You're reaching out to grab onto her chest."

Kazuma: H- Huh ? The hell was I doing ?! You're too dangerous, you almost made me cross the line of humanity !

Princess: ... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH !!

Aqua: What what ? The hell happened ?! Hey Kazuma, what did you do ?!

Darkness: Kazuma, what are you spraying ? Could it be that weed killer thing ?!

Kazuma: You came at just the right time ! Help me out there, this bastard is indeed something shady !

Aqua: What in my own name did you do while we were gone ? You must have exploited that dingalingy magic item, right ? Explain the situation at once !

Princess: Huuuh... *Sniff* Th- This guy... Suddenly tried to do unspeakable things to me... !

Kazuma: Enough ! No more from you !

Darkness: ... This is really difficult to digest. What exactly happened here ?

"Well, we expected this to be an adventurer and a monster, turns out these are just toddlers meddling against each other. Both are devious."

Kazuma: She is indeed devious, rambling on and on when we were alone. Watch ! Say it aloud before the magic item, why don't you ? Did your attitude make an 180 degree turn while Aqua and company weren't present ? if your face didn't flip, go ahead, and tell it to this thing !

Princess: ... ... ...

Kazuma: Oi, out with that attitude, you'll worsen their impression of me ! Stop resisting and tell the truth !

Princess: ... this gentleman had always been strongly interested in my chest area...

Kazuma: What are you talking about all of a sudden...

*... ... ... ...*

Kazuma: You've got some skill ! That was honestly unexpected. Although, i'm also experienced at using this magic item to my advantage. Everyone, watch this: This Tranquility Princess, right here, fell utterly indecent when you guys had left, spewing obscene remarks constantly. It was truly hard to watch !

*... ... ... ...*

Princess: I- I do admit that my language was unbecoming. However, please allow me to explain !

Darkness: ... Couldn't you clear this misunderstanding... ?

"This is way too funny to watch for me to butt in."

Princess: y- You, weren't you poised to cop my breasts a while ago ?! Your friend may have shown restraint, but not you !

*... ... ... ...*

Kazuma: because you told me to ! You were the one who let me squeeze them to my heart's content in exchange for sparing you !

Princess: I didn't say it so lewdly, don't put words in my mouth !

*... ... ... ...*

Kazuma: Damn, what a waste of time ! Talking to you is fruitless, I should have taken action immediately ! That's the treatment you deserve ! Taste that weed killer !

Princess: S- Stop it ! What a despicable move against an immobile monster ! It's so low of you to resort to brute force after losing the verbal battle !

Kazuma: You're too noisy, a mere monster is in no place to talk reason ! Hey, are you trying to resist ?! Take it in or I'll shoot you !

Princess: Stop right now ! Don't be ridiculous ! Stop putting such dirty stuff on me ! I'm getting polluted ! S- save me, i'm being polluted by all this fluid on my nether regions...

"PFFFRRRRRRRR !!"

kazuma: How could you make everything sound so obscene ?! i'm merely spraying weed killer near your base !!

Princess: Waaaaaaahahahahaaaaa !!