" ": You talking

' ': You thinking

* *: Narrator/Voice-off

Your POV:

"... Sooo... How are we gonna do this ? Throw hands right here and now, or do you wanna go somewhere else first ? Before I send you to Hans and co'."

Celestina: ... ... ... Tobacco.

"Excuse me... ?"

Celestina: Tobacco. i'm talking about tobacco. Kazuma, someone with such a bad reputation as you must have some of that on hand, right ? Come on, give me some. I haven't had the chance to smoke ever since I came to this town.

Kazuma: N- No, I don't have any...

"... Like cigarettes, or... Oh, how the mask of the gentle and kind priest falls to pieces, doesn't it ?"

Celestina: Urg... Well, I guess there's no point in trying to keep the act up... I'm Celestina, the Demon King's general in charge of schemes and infiltration, and a Dark Priest that follows the Dark Goddess of puppetry and Vengeance, Regina.

"Regina... ? Sounds oddly familiar..."

Kazuma: So you actually call your own Goddess a dark Goddess. I would've thought those of the cloth would treat their own god as absolute and decry all the others as heretics.

Celestina: ... My Goddess is the patron of vengeance and puppets, you know ? What else can she be other than a Dark Goddess ?

"Puppetry, puppetry... Oh, I get it now, so the Undeads back at the cemetery... they were immune to Turn undead for a reason, weren't they ?"

Celestina: Oh, yes, that was me. Those weren't zombies, they were simply corpses animated by the power of the Dark Goddess. It was really hard to set all of that up. I had to dig up all the corpses one by one in the middle of the night and put them under my control. When the priests in town found themselves helpless, I would come in and handily take care of them... It's a good technique to use to gain the trust of all the adventurers in a city in one fell swoop.

"... As morally questionable and rotten-sounding as it is, you can't deny how effective it is, huh... Then, all that stuff about the Demon King being a girl and the curse, yadda yadda..."

Celestina: Don't tell me you believed that ? I tell that story to every skilled adventurer that seems like they'd be a threat to the Demon King. The curse afflicting the girl will eventually wear off and the Demon King will disappear, so peace will return to the world even if they don't risk their lives fighting the Demon King. Most of them give up after hearing such a story. Everyone values their own hide, after all. If you give them an excuse that makes risking their lives unnecessary, they'll happily take it and be on their way.

Kazuma: '... ... Well, i'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you've got what's properly the only person pragmatic and psychopathic enough to literally not give a single crap about a sad story and bust them out anyway...'

"Well, all of that is very interesting and all, but now, what exactly prevents me from busting your face in, and then do the same to the Demon King after breaking through the barrier ? Showing your entire hand like that..."

Celestina: I just thought that rather than pile on more lies and put us both on guard, it'd be better to tell you the truth and come to an arrangement... I've been observing Kazuma's conduct and actions these past few days, but I still have absolutely no idea why the Demon King considers you a threat... i'm just going to lay it out plainly, you're a NEET who dislikes hard work.

Kazuma: Yep, that's me.

Celestina: ... You have no intentions of risking your life to defeat the Demon King for the sake of Humanity, right ?

Kazuma: Not at all.

'Well, I do...'

Celestina: ... If you hear that someone you never knew living at someplace you've never been has been suffering under the Demon King, what would you think ?

Kazuma: I'd send them my condolences...

Celestina: ... ... ... ...

"Hey, don't look at me, this is the Kazuma i'm used to work with now. Sometimes even I wonder how he managed to get himself involved with so many generals in such a short time."

Kazuma: ... Umm, I'm pretty sure most people would give similar responses, so can you two please stop looking at me like that...

Celestina: Eh ? A- aaah, sorry. There have been people who've given me similar replies, but this is the first time someone has answered instantly without even the slightest hint of hesitation, so... I was ordered by the Demon King to investigate this town where several Demon King's general went missing, and the man whose name kept cropping up in relation to them, but... At the end of it all, the man who's at the center of everything is you. Leaving that aside...

Kazuma: Wait, hold on a minute, being described as the man at the center of it all doesn't sit well with me. If anything, i'm the one who's constantly getting caught up in such matters. I mean, I'm not even the one doing the fighting, he is !

"Hey, there's a reason I don't force newspapers to write articles about me, or try to spread rumors about my great achievements. Why do you think I use a pseudonym for the corporation ?"

Celestina: ... Leaving that aside, I've gotten a firm understanding of your personality. Satou Kazuma, the Demon King's army would like to offer you a deal.

Kazuma: Oh ?

"... ... Kazuma, regardless of what she says, please remember what happened when you got swayed by Sylvia~"

Celestina: Thanks to a certain person, the war between the Demon king and humanity that's been at a stalemate for quite some time has started shifting again. After losing so many Generals, the barrier around the Demon King's castle is on the verge of collapsing.

Kazuma: ... Oh ho ? Could that certain person be referring to me ?

Celestina: ... Well, it was, but after hearing about all of this, I'm starting to think... Why do you seem so smug ? Don't get ahead of yourself.

"Well, I can definitely understand why he would find himself in quite a pinch... if the barrier was to fall, then I'm quite sure that the Crimson demons would seize that opportunity and just ransack the castle like there's no tomorrow."

Celestina: True, we aren't in a very good position right now, but that's the same for humanity, no ? In the past, strong people with strange name and a disregard for common sense would constantly appear in this world. Those people caused us a lot of pain. However... I think it was around the time our fortune teller detected a strange presence in this town ? Well, for whatever reason, those hero candidates have completely stopped showing up.

'Heroes stopping sowing up... As soon as Kazuma arrived... ?'

Kazuma: '... Ah'

Celestina: What's wrong ? It feels like you've come to some sort of realization... Why are you all shaken up ? Well, whatever. Anyway, we would like to strike a deal with you.

'... Ever since Aqua went missing, huh... Kazuma, have you ever seen Chris around lately ?'

Kazuma: 'You don't think Eris has been slacking on that... Wasn't an angel supposed to take over this or something ?'

Celestina: What are the two of you muttering around for ?

Kazuma: ... W- What kind of deal ?

Celestina: You should join the Demon King's army. Both of you.

"... ... ... ... What did you just say ?"

Celestina: Don't give me that. i'm asking you to join the Demon King's army... You are our kind of people. I know that very well.

"Hey, I know I pose as an evil corporate sometimes, but I'm not that kind of evil..."

Kazuma: That's right, don't misunderstand us. Sure, as you've most likely already known, people in general call me a brute and scum and NEET and lolicon and such, but...

Celestina: This is the first time I'm hearing about the Lolicon thing...

Kazuma: True, as a human I might have more bad qualities than good ones... Indeed, I have more than enough money for my needs, any indecent desires I have can be satisfied through that shop, and I have affectionate companions that fawn all over me. I would like to be pampered while living an easy life. One where I occasionally splurge on useless expensive things and occasionally book out the tavern for a whole day and trouble everyone...

Celestina: You're even worse of a human than I thought...

"You have no idea..."

Kazuma: But even I have a small amount of compassion and a sense of justice. I don't care if someone I don't know is suffering in a place I've never been to, but I'm not so scummy that I'd ignore someone asking for aid right in front of me. ... I understand why you might want my power on your side. I understand, but I have no intention of turning upon the people who've taken care of me all this while.

Celestina: ... No, it's not like we want you because of your strength...

Kazuma: What, aren't you afraid of my full power and would rather have me as your friend instead ?

Celestina: Not at all. Well, i'm starting to consider your friend for that, but the truth is I'd rather keep you as far away from me as possible, but, like I've said earlier, those people with strange names have stopped appearing. There's a persistent rumor about these people with funny names. That they are chosen by the gods or some such.

'Well, that's not exactly wrong...'

Celestina: But then, those people who were constantly popping up like weeds suddenly stopped appearing after you showed up. It's almost as if the gods are saying that you two alone would be enough. Even the Demon King thought that you might be the descendant of some legendary hero or the other that shows up in the fairy tales.

"To be fair, you shouldn't pay so much attention to such rumors, even if they sometimes end up with a bit of truth in them."

Kazuma: I don't have the strength or force of will to survive in a place surrounded by monsters like the Demon King's castle. Please tell Demon King-san that I'm not that amazing of a person. Getting involved in the vanquishing of your Generals is just a stroke of luck. I just happen to have really amazing luck. Apart from that, I'm a weakling with the weakest job, Adventurer. Having you treat me like an enemy really scares me, so please stop. Please relay that to him.

Celestina: ... Yeah, I thought so. I've confirmed that after seeing you in person. The only person who wanted you to join us is the Demon King, and I do think that he's worrying too much... But is this okay? There'd be quite a few benefits for you if you were to join us... Ah, yes, you're a virgin, no? If you join us, you'll be able to indulge in all your wildest sexual desires. Incidentally, most female demons have really hot bodies.

"... ... Kazumaaaaaaaa ?"

Kazuma: ... ... I- I'm not going. If it was me from a few months ago, I probably would've been convinced, but right now, I'm in my popular period. Such cheap benefits wouldn't sway me

Celestina: Why are you so restless ? ... Well, it's fine. I'll tell the Demon King that you're a small fry too insignificant to bother with. He'll probably stop keeping his eye on you after that. I'll also arrange for him to tell his underlings not to lay a hand on you.

"Well, thank you... I guess ?"

Celestina: I wasn't talking to you. In fact, I'd like to have another word with you later on.

Kazuma: T- Thank you very much !

Celestina: S-Sure... In return, keep my identity a secret, even to your companions. Don't interfere with my business in this town. And, as for my two colleagues... Don't tell them about what I've been up to. Especially Wiz. ... Those are the conditions of my deal.

"... Especially Wiz ? I've heard rumors that she was strong enough to force a deal to the Demon King itself... Well, how interesting it is, but so long as you're just doing your thing here, I guess you're fine..."

Kazuma: Tsk, I don't have a choice. My conscience and sense of Justice are yelling at me to punch you, but the town would be in big trouble if we clashed against each other directly...

Celestina: yeah, yeah, you can drop that now. So I take it we have a deal ? It's good that you're sensible people...

"... Kazuma, why don't you go back to the mansion ? Something tells we still have a few things to discuss."

Kazuma: Y- Yeah...

"... ... So, now that the so-called 'small fry' is out, shall we get to the part where i'm caving your face in ?"

Celestina: If you don't mind being cursed to death, then be my guest. I'm not in the mood to fight, it would just ruin all my efforts to get people's trust in this town. It's clear now you're the one who actually does most of the heavy lifting, but what I don't understand is how we never got a report about you...

"Well, maybe i'm less bragging about my achievement, and don't really let anyone make a report after discovering me. I'd tell you to ask Beldia, Vanir, Hans, Sylvia, Wolbach or Ragcraft, but I'm pretty sure you're aware of what happened to them all. Only you and Wiz left now. If you want to just live you life in this town, be my guest. But remember, if I ever catch you slipping by, at any point... Well, I'm pretty sure you're talking to the last of these 'chosen heroes' after all. Here, a little something for you, the fleeced one."

Celestina: ... Gurk...