" ": You talking

' ': You thinking

* *: Narrator/Voice-off

Your POV:

Aqua: hey, I think I see someone in the distance...

Kazuma: Really... hey, it's that guy from the baths !

Megumin: Why are you guys stopping ?

Kazuma: Shhh... Look, our guy's here. It's not the blond old man the guards told us about, it's the one we were looking for. Mind deploying the scouts ?

"Way ahead of you, I already have three surrounding the guy. And it's definitely our man. But there's one little problem..."

Kazuma: What ?

"I have three... But I had five. Two of them just straight up went missing when I tried sneaking them underwater."

Kazuma: They're gone ?

Darkness: Wait, there's a pipe linked here... hey, he's poisoning the water right now !

Aqua: WHAT ?! NOT HAPPENING !!

"Look, we really shouldn't be rushing in, this guy is-"

Aqua: YOUUUUUU !!

Hans: H- HUH ?! Hey, what are all of you doing here ?! This place is off-limits to all except the manager, so how did you get here ?!

Aqua: Are you still playing dumb ?! How dare you destroy the hot springs in this city ! I'll purge you !!

Hans: Destroy the hot springs ? I'm the manager of the hot springs, okay ? What are you saying... ?

"We were told the manager was an old man with blond hair. Not a brown-haired tanned guy."

Megumin: It's useless to play dumb, okay ? And what are you doing here ? It's too troublesome to poison the hot springs one at a time, so you're going right for the source ? The uproar of polluted water gushing out was probably your way of confirming that this source was actually linked to the city, right ?

Darkness: We saw that all the hot springs had been contaminated on our way here. Megumin already asked, so can you tell us what you're doing here ? I'm Dustiness Ford Lalatina, with my authority as a noble, I would like you to come with us.

Hans: I already said I don't know what you're talking about. Do you want to search the things I have with me ? You'll never find anything poisonous... With me... ?

Wiz: ... ... ...

Hans: An- Anyways, I'm here to investigate the reason behind the polluted water, um...

"Your thoughts ?"

Wiz: ... It's Hans-san ! Hans-san, it's you, right ?!

Hans: W- Who's Hans ? i'm the manager of the hot springs in this city...

Wiz: Hans-san ! Long time no see ! It's me, Wiz ! The Lich !

Kazuma: Th- They know each other ?

"looks like so. And if it's really the Hans she knows, we need to get out of here befo-"

Hans: Lich... You mean, those dangerous undead monsters, right ? I don't know what you're all saying... An- Anyway, I don't have any means of poisoning, and you have no prof...

Wiz: Ah, speaking of poison... I recall that Hans-san's a deadly poison slime variant type ! Did you release your poison into the source ?

Hans: GH- !

Wiz: Hans-san ! Why are you ignoring me ? It's me, Wiz ! Hans-san, you can shapeshift too, right ? You must've changed into the form of the old man manager to gain entry, right ? Hans-san, hey, Hans-san ?

Hans: Can... Can you calm down, I don't know you... ! Stop, don't shake me please !

Wiz: Did you really forget about me ? I'm Wiz, back when we were in the Demon King castle we-

Hans: AHHH !! I just remembered ! I have something urgent to do ! I found out the reason behind the contamination after the investigation ! I must rush back to the city... Farewell, every... One... ?

Aqua: Where do you think you're going, Hans ?

Hans: Oh, right...

Darkness: We won't let you pass, Hans !

Hans: Oh, okay..

Megumin: Did you think your excuses would actually work, Hans ?!

Hans: Yeah, fine...

Kazuma: Stop struggling and come clean, Hans !

"Wait, you want to fight... look, we really need to fall back and-"

Hans: Don't keep calling me Hans, Hans, you bunch of worms ! What's Wiz doing here ?! Didn't you say you'll open a small shop after leaving the Demon King's castle ? Stop fooling around in the hot spring city and get back to work !

Wiz: How, how mean ! I did work hard ! For some reason the harder I work, the more losses I make ! But I'm still working hard every day !

Hans: Haaah... Why did it turn out this way ? I spent years to investigate this city, and only decided on this course of action after everything was in place... Wiz, I remember that you don't provide help to the Demon King's army in any form aside from the maintenance of the castle barrier. However, you shouldn't be working against me. We shouldn't disrupt each other. So why are you in my way ?

Wiz: Eh ? I- I got in Hans-san way ? I only greeted you since we haven't met in a long time !

Hans: That was enough to disrupt my work ! Thanks to you my identity has been exposed ! What are you going to do now, Wiz ? Fight me, or let me through ?

"... Sometimes I can't tell if she's a klutz, or making it on purpose..."

Kazuma: ... That guy's only wary of Wiz... A deadly poison slime, huh ? Poison is scary, but if that guy's just a slime, it should be easy.

"... Kazuma, you really shouldn't..."

Wiz: H- How could I fight you ? Hans is my friend. But, I'll be troubled if you destroy the Hot Springs... Can't we resolve this through discussion ?

Hans: Hahahaha ! The way you y=think is just like before ! You're a lich, but you're so naive ! When you were an Archwizard, killing us off left and right, you never thought about saying "Resolve through discussion", right ?

Wiz: Ugh... Back there, I was still immature...

"Kazuma, stop that ! You don't want to fight that guy !"

Kazuma: Don't worry, I got this. Hey, sorry for interrupting your reunion... You're Hans, right ? I'm Satou Kazuma, the one who directed the battles against the Demon King's General Beldia and the mobile fortress Destroyer ! And just recently, I even defeated the Devil of Foresight, Vanir !

Hans: What ? A man who looks as terribly weak as you ? Even your equipment's so bad that I don't even want to look at you, and you defeated both Beldia and Vanir ?!

"To be fair, he was more of the tactician behind their downfall."

Kazuma: I don't remember asking for your opinion ! And the state of my equipment is none of your business ! I might look this way, but I'm a man who walked the thin line between life and death several times !

Aqua: He did die several times...

Kazuma: I knew from the start that you're a minion of the Demon King's army ! Do you remember us ? Several days ago, we met in the bath of a certain hotel, right ?

Hans: ... Ah ! You're that man with the lecherous gaze ! And you... I thought you shared my pain !!

"Oh, I certainly do. Really, the one thing stopping me from just going to your side is the fact you're part of the Demon King's army. Also the blue thing wouldn't stop wailing if I didn't come along."

Aqua: HEY !

Kazuma: We heard you talking back then about destroying the Axis Cult or something ! I also knew you were wary of me in the hot spring, that's why I only started at that big breasted lady to make you lower your guard !

Darkness: Hey, you didn't say anything because you didn't want to be dragged into a troublesome incident, and yet you're shamelessly boasting about it now.

Hans: ... To not back down while facing me. I see, so you're quite capable.

"Nope. he's just completely oblivious of how strong you are !"

Kazuma: Wait, what ? 'look, I know he looks well-built, but he's just a slime, right ? The trash monsters in every game. And even if it's poisonous, we have Aqua with us, so how could we lose ?'

'... Looks like all the karma you built up is coming back to bite you in the ass.'

Kazuma: Just surrender already ! Wiz, he and you were ex-colleagues, right ? I don't think you would want to fight him, so back down for now. let's do this, partner.

Megumin: Chunchunmaru.

Kazuma: Not !

Wiz: K- Kazuma ? I might be overthinking it, but... Will you be fine ? Um, Hans-san is...

"Leave him be. There are some things he needs to learn the hard way."

Hans: ... Seems like all of you really want to fight. Good ! It's been a long time since any adventurers dared to challenge me ! No matter who it was, they would cower before me and beg for mercy after learning my true nature. You have guts to fight me head on ! I'm Hans !! A general of the Demon King's army, a variant type deadly poison slime !

Kazuma: ... ... ... H- Hey... Wh- What did he just say ? What did this slime just say ?

"What do you think I've been trying to tell you since we got here, for fuck's sake ?!"

Wiz: Kazuma-san ! Even amongst the Generals of the Demon King's army, Hans is a monster with higher than average bounty ! He's very strong, so be careful !

Kazuma: ... H- Hey, Darkness, slimes are weak monsters, right ? They're just small fries, right ?

Darkness: Slimes are weak monsters ?! Where did you hear that nonsense from ? Leaving small ones aside, slimes above a certain size are powerful adversaries. Firstly, physical attacks are useless, and their magic defense is high too. They eat anything, so it's over if they stick on to you. They can seep through the gaps in your armor, touch your skin, and dissolve you with digestive fluids. They can also block your mouth and suffocate you to death.

Kazuma: ... A- Ah... ?

Megumin: Don't touch the deadly poison slime, Kazuma ! It has poison potent enough to contaminate the entire city and harm so many people even after it's diluted. You'll die instantly if you touch it !

Kazuma: I- Instant death ?!

*BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP BA-DUMP*

Aqua: No problem, Kazuma ! With me around, it's fine even if you die ! But don't get swallowed whole ! If you do, your entire body will dissolve, then it won't matter how powerful my resurrection spell is !

Kazuma: ... ... ...

Hans: Now, come at me, brave adventurers ! I'll make you re... Gret... ?

Kazuma: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh... !

"Well, he's off... Can't really blame him for this one, I've been trying to warn him."

Aqua: Wahhh, Kazuma ! Wait, Wait !

Kazuma: Hurry up, idiot ! Or I'll leave you behind !!

Megumin: Darkness, run quick ! This is bad, we'll die ! Don't think too much, just run !

Darkness: Ahhh... the slime... the slime will... !

Wiz: Ka- Kazuma-san, you kept panting while climbing the hill, but you're fast when running away... !

"Also, I'd advise not to look behind."

Hans: Are you mocking me, human ?! After saying all that before me, you still ran away in the end ?! You're not living your life correctly ! You're an adventurer after all, don't you feel shame ?!

Kazuma: Of course I'm an Adventurer ! The weakest job of all, Adventurer ! How can I fight a General of the demon king's army head on ?

Hans: What, weakest job ?! You even... ! What ? You're an adventurer ? The weakest job, adventurer ? Not the general term adventurer, but the job name like Archwizard and Archpriest... Adventurer ?

Kazuma: Yes, that's right. What's the problem ?

Hans: ... ... I'll let you off this time. Scram, small fry !

Kazuma: ... ... Phew. It's finally over.

Aqua: It's not over ! Hey, he's going back to destroy the hot spring source !

Kazuma: Then tell me how we can beat that guy. Wiz will feel bad if we ask her to go. I don't know if Darkness can handle his poison, so we can only ask Megumin to do a sneak Explosion attack from range.

Wiz: Um... If you cast Explosion on Hans-san, his body will scatter and pollute this whole place. Slimes have high resistance against magic, too. If you don't get it all, it'll be hard to destroy him...

Kazuma: I'm not exaggerating, we really can't do anything this time. If physical attacks were effective, I was planning to try out my new sword.

Megumin: We'll postpone the debut of Chunchunmaru to later. But if we leave him be, the hot springs will be in danger. Then, a demon King's general will get his way.

Kazuma: Don't call my sword by that weird name, I'll never call it by that name.

"... So we'd need something that deal neither physical, nor magic damage... From good range to avoid the poison, and strong enough to get him in one go..."

Kazuma: See ? We probably should just give up on this hot spring. We can develop other means of business in the future. Honestly, there's no meaning in the existence of the Axis Cult, right- GARGL !!

Megumin: ... hey, is it just me, or is someone missing ? Where did he go ?

Wiz: Huuh... Y/n-san was there a second ago...

Hans: ... Hey, listen here, I know you loathe that cult about as much as me, but if you try to do anything, I'll-

*F-TWOOOOOOOOOOOM*

"Neither magic nor physical... Yet from afar and obliterating. Yep... That's a summoner's job alright."