" ": You talking

' ': You thinking

* *: Narrator/Voice-off

Your POV:

Chris: OW, OW, OW !! STOOOP !! DARKNESS, YOU'RE GONNA CRACK MY HEAD OPEN !

Kazuma: OWWW ! WILL YOU QUIT IT AND LISTEN TO ME ?!

Darkness: OH, I'D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO SAY !! But depending on what it is, things could still get worse for you !!

"... ... Well, i'm gonna do what I do best in these situations, and the same as the bath... Deny any and all responsibilities. To think I was that close to be in Kazuma's shoes for this one."

Kazuma: Then you know I didn't want to do it ! Chris made me !!

Chris: H- How could you ?! Right when I said we should leave, you suddenly got all into it !

Darkness: BOTH OF YOU, QUIT BLAMING EACH OTHER AND START TALKING !!

Darkness: ... I can't believe you... How could you not tell me about something so important ? If you'd just talked to me, I could have sorted things out...

"Oh, you mean like I tried to in the baths ? You sure sorted out a lot of things there."

Darkness: That implies you as well, so shut !!

Kazuma: We're talking about an item that lets you swap bodies, a gadget that could effectively grant you eternal life ! I wanted to tell you, but Chris said anyone in power would want to keep it for themselves, even the royal family...

Chris: I- I thought it would be okay to tell you, though, Darkness ! But my lowly assistant here pointed out that if you found out my true identity, it would put you in a tough spot, so there was nothing I could do !

Kazuma: Oooh, you little... TRY TO PIN THIS ON ME, WILL YOU ?!

Chris: OWWW !! THAT HURTS !!

Darkness: Forget it ! Just sit down, both of you !! I grant, once I realized who you were, I decided to play along. I knew there was no way the two of you would ever harm Lady iris...

"... What's done is done. Just know you're lucky as hell no one else realized who you were. First, Chris... This time, you get back to Axel before sunset or I swear I'll blast you all the way to Arcanletia ! Kazuma, you're coming back to the castle with us."

Kazuma: What ?! Why me ?!

"Officially, half our team was taken out by the thieves, and they managed to escape. It would raise too many suspicions if you suddenly disappeared. Besides, we're all getting warped back home, unless you want to walk all the way ?"

Kazuma: But... But the castle's on high alert right now ! I'm afraid I wouldn't make it out of there in one piece... Wow, that hair you pulled on really hurts ! I think I'd better sit this one out...

"... Then how about I shave it all first, hm ?"

Darkness: Enough theatrics ! let's get going !

Chris: Well, uh, good luck, lowly assistant ! Since the divine item has already been secured and all, you don't have to worry on that account...

Darkness: Hold it, Chris. Are you sure there's nothing you're till hiding from me ?

Chris: Eh ? Er... Hm... Lessee here...

Darkness: There is, isn't there ?! You always scratch that scar on your cheek when you're in trouble ! Spill it !!

Chris: ... I'm sorry !! My lowly assistant took something besides the divine item !!

Kazuma: Say what ?! You traitor !!

"Kazuma... The divine item stuff could technically make you a hero in villain's clothing... But that is just plain thievery. What did you take ?"

Kazuma: Uh... Nothing important...

"... ... ... ... I got several questions..."

Darkness: You just get worse and worse...

Kazuma: It... It was an impulse grab.

Kazuma: Waaaah... Why'd you have to burn it ? You'll pay...

Darkness: How long are you going to whine about that ? You should be happy your "Lighter" came in handy right away.

Kazuma: That's not exactly what I designed it for...

Darkness: Enough already ! You have to look your best for Lady Iris. Lady iris ? It's me, Lalatina. I have something very urgent to talk to you ab-

aqua: Hah ! It was easy peasy for me ! I sealed that nasty item right up, so don't you worry your pretty head !

Megumin: As a member of the Crimson magic clan, experts in the field of magical items, I guarantee. No one knows how to make an item that powerful anymore, so you need not fear its misuse.

Iris: Good gods, those thieves had their eyes on something awful... But at least the matter has been safely settled.

Darkness: ... ... ... ...

"You really thought I'd just keep the item after convincing Iris to part with it ?"

Darkness: ... ... ...

Claire: Ah... I can't tell you how relieved I am. When you explained the true power of that item, I went weak at the knees ! ... I wonder what they would have intended to do with it, though. Oh, are you still here ?

Kazuma: Gh...

Claire: the stories don't make them out as the kind to use it for evil...

Darkness: W- Well, the important thing is that Lady Iris is safe. When I learned how dangerous the item was, I came here to tell you, but I see there was no need.

Iris: ... Do you suppose it's possible they meant to protect my person ? Even had they simply alerted me to the dangers of the necklace, it could still have been misused. Perhaps that inspired their deed...

Claire: My lady, i'm sure you're overthinking things. And yet... If what you say were true, I would have to grant that those thieves were fine men indeed...

Lain: Who do you suppose they could have been ? I fancied myself acquainted with all our high-level adventurers, but I can think of no one quite so skilled. That masked man, in particular... He shattered the crystal of my staff in an instant, from such a distance.

Megumin: the masked man ? Awesome, was he not ?! The next time we meet, I shall request his autograph !!

Claire: M- Megumin, that man is a criminal ! But an impressive criminal, to be sure...

"That's a given... He's got to be the best thief I've ever seen..."

Claire: ... ... So it would seem...

Kazuma: 'Oh man... Gotta resist the urge to brag...'

Aqua: And what are you smirking about ?

Claire: Why, oh why, must a man of such talents sink to thievery ? I almost wish I might see him again, if fate allows...

"Speaking of... Don't you think some excuses are owed now ?"

Claire: What ?

"I mean... Even with an entire squadron of trained knights and help from Mitsurugi, you couldn't even graze that thief, let alone stop them... Don't you think you owe Kazuma some excuses for 'Only' being able to stop them, on his own."

Claire: What ?!

"Think about it. That 'Weak adventurer' came closer to catch that thief than the palace's entire armed forces."

Claire: ... ... ... Kazuma sir... On the behalf of your... Accomplishments to stop that thief...

"Huhu... Good start, now continue."

Claire: ... I... Claire Symphonia... Present you my utmost excuses...

Kazuma: ... So this is what bliss feels like...

Claire: B- But you better be able to back up your words with acts from now on !!

"Don't you worry about that. I already said it, and I will say it again. Kazuma has already defeated many generals of the Demon King. And it may indeed be him who one day defeats the Demon King. Surely you would agree that no ordinary person would do it."

Iris: Defeat the Demon King ? Really ? Do you truly seek to defeat our ancient foe ?

Kazuma: Well... If the chance came along... Maybe... ?

Iris: I see... I know you of all people can do it. I wish you the best of luck in your quest to defeat the Demon King.

Kazuma: Sure... Thanks.

Iris: May you have every success in battles, Big brother !

"They won't stand a chance."

Kazuma: ...' FU- !'

Alderp: ... YOU ! MAX ! MAX, WAKE UP !!

Max: Hmm... ? Oh hello, Alderp.

Max: You need something ?

Alderp: You imbecile ! Who would ever come to you if they didn't need something ?!

Max: O- O- OW, that hurts, Alderp !! Ah, but you're emitting wonderful vibes again today.

Alderp: 'This devil is making a fool of me !' Enough ! I have work for you! My divine item was not only stolen by some thief, but sealed away to boot ! I want you to get it back and break the seal ! You hear me ?!

Max: Alderp, Alderp ! I'm afraid that's impossible ! We don't even know where the item is... And if it really has been sealed up, there's nothing I ca do about it...

Alderp: You can't even do that ?! What good are you ?! When are you going to be able to grant my wish ?! Listen here, you feeble-minded wretch ! I know you forget my orders almost as son as I give them ! But remember this one word: Lalatina ! BRING LALATINA TO ME !!

Alderp: Damn... It was going so well, I let my guard down. I must get that item back ! I shouldn't have rushed to target the prince's body... I was to take his form once he was engaged to Lalatina. I was going to have it all in one fell swoop ! And my chance was stolen from me by some random thief ! I only needed the divine item to make its way into the prince's hands, whereupon I would recite the incantation and then destroy this body. Much as I regret this turn of events, though, all ican do now is look for the item...

Max: ... ... ...

Alderp: DAMN IT ALL !! 'If I'd known this would happen, I would have just swapped places with my son Walter and been done with it ! If I don't get that item back, picking up that stray will have been for nothing ! It took me ages to find a smart child of good prospects !'

Alderp: 'Blast ! Damn ! If Walter had just managed to conclude his engagement to Lalatina...' Lalatina... LALATINA !! LALATINA !! YOU BELONG TO ME, LALATINAAAAA !! Do you have any idea how long I've had my eye on you, Lalatina ?!

Max: ... ... Excellent, Alderp ! Most excellent ! Ever cruel, ever loyal to your own lusts... That's the way I like you best, Alderp ! Quickly... I want to grant your wish and receive my reward quickly, Alderp ! SO GIVE ME A JOB TO DO, ALDERP ! ALDERP !!

Alderp: 'Gods.. I don't understand this creature. He grants my wishes one after another, forgetting ever doing so in the process ! If it wasn't so easy to bilk him out of his reward... I would have summoned some other monster ages ago.'

Alderp: Ah, very well ! I just have one wish ! Bring me Lalatina !! SHE WILL BE MINE !!

Kazuma: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH !!

"Would you pipe down already ? I'm pretty sure the whole town can hear you."

Kazuma: Cram it, it's your fault. Now I'm obligated to try and defeat the demon king !

"... We both know that between the two of us, I'll be the one doing the fighting. So you just stay behind, and use that brain of yours to lead us to victory before taking the credit."

Megumin: You get home and the first thing you do is argue about the stupidest stuff.

Kazuma: Huh ? You got a problem ?

Darkness: What is that, Megumin ? Writing a letter ?

Megumin: I sure am !

Darkness: Huh, very nice... I'm sure Lady Iris will be thrilled to get it.

Megumin: Oh, no... This is a fan letter to that masked thief ! I want to have it ready so I can give it to him whenever I might happen to run into him again !

Darkness: ... ... Ahem ! Megumin, are you that taken with this masked bandit ? You know... he is a criminal, don't forget. I'm not sure fan mail is such a good idea...

Megumin: "Taken with him" ? It's more. There are so few these days with his dramatic flair. To assault a castle with a team of just two and to prove unbeatable, don't you want to encourage that sort of thing ? It's not romantic love, it's the adulation of a hero !

"... You plan on telling her one day... ?"

Kazuma: I doubt I'll ever be able to...

Aqua: Ahhh ! Nothing like a glass of wine after a long, hard trip !

Kazuma: Whazzat . Hey, that looks good. Pour me a glass.

Aqua: Huh ?! No way ! If you must have some, then let's hear an "O great Aqua-sama, please allow me to share in your liberation" !

Kazuma: 'Totally stealing it.' Hey, quit resisting ! Give it !

Aqua: Nooo ! Stop ! Let me have this ! Please, I'll do anything !!

Darkness: ... ... H- hey... Could we get in on this roleplay... ?

"I don't think it's roleplay. Why're you the only one drinking anyway, Aqua ? We just saved the Capital city, doesn't this calls for a celebration ?"

Megumin: Excellent idea ! I would love a nice, cold glass of-

Kazuma: When you're older.

Megumin: Come now, Kazuma ! If I am old enough to get married, surely a glass of wine is acceptable... !

Darkness: A celebration, huh... ? I do have the distinct feeling we foiled somebody's evil plot this time around...

"Well, I'll handle the snacks then. Today's as good a day as any for a party."

Aqua: A party ? I love parties ! You know, Kazuma, I guess I could see my way to sharing a bit of this wine.

Kazuma: Hm ? Nah, it wouldn't be enough anyway. I'll go buy more.

Megumin: No, I will buy more ! Or I will the only one who ends up with a neroid...

"... It's like we're already back to normal... Well, safe for this little bauble, of course."

Kazuma: You... You kept it ?

"It's a nice souvenir. Besides, it's been sealed off by Aqua, so there's nothing left to fear."

Aqua: Hmmm... The only thing this party is missing is a trick... Oh ! Hey, give me that item, will you ? I'll show everyone the coolest party trick !

"... is it as cool as the one you showed Mitsurugi ? Not happening."

Kazuma: Ahhhh... Very good ! Now, which establishment shall we luxuriate in next ?!

Aqua: Kazuma-san, there's a place I've been wanting to try that's supposed to have good wine !

Kazuma: Ah, excellent ! I shall accompany you !

Aqua: You're usually such a tightwad, Kazuma. Why're you acting so generous today ?

Kazuma: Heh ! Easy ! Because I no longer have to worry about money. 'Not after the other day...'

Luna: Now... Adventurer Kazuma Satou. We present you with the reward for the defeat of Sylvia, general of the Demon King. A total of three hundred million Eris !!

"... Th- Three... And no reparations to lighten it this time..."

Luna: This is the fourth general you've defeated, right ? Thanks to you, the guild's loaded, we're even considering renovating the building ! You're unquestionably one of Axel's adventuring aces now !

Dust: Man, Kazuma's party is really moving up in the world.

Undyne: These kids finally made it to the big world.

Chara: I was there... I was there at Arcanletia, and I let my chance slip by !! I should've been the one decking down Hans, damn it !!

Adventurers: heh, I always knew Kazuma had it in him... To take down a General when you're the weakest class, wow !

Kazuma: Hey, flattery like that's not gonna get you anything... EXCEPT A ROUND OF THE BEST STUFF IN THE HOUSE ! BRING IT ON !!

Adventurers: WHOOO !!! KAZUMA, HE'S OUR MAN !!

"Finally... The recognition we deserve !"

Adventurer: AWESOME ! WILL YOU MARRY ME ?

"Let's not get crazy !"

Kazuma: 'Never expected to be swimming in cash like this. I did have to split it five ways with the rest, but my business ventures with Vanir should pay off soon too. Yes ! I, Kazuma Satou, have won at adventuring ! I never have to work again ! At long last, my time has come ! No more dangerous adventuring for me ! Heheheh ! Nothing but lying around, day in, day out !'

Aqua: Hey, Kazuma, let's eat out for dinner too !

Kazuma: Sounds good. Wen can invite the rest of the crew to come with us. We're home !

"Well well well, you're one stubborn crusader, I hope you know that ! Just accept it and-"

Megumin: Just cry and beg. Stop putting on a brave face.

Darkness: Y- You think this can break me ? On my pride as a crusader, i'll never-

"Oh, hi there, Kazuma"

Kazuma: Yes, yes... Sorry to interrupt. We'll find a place to stay for tonight, carry on.

Megumin: N- N- N- No ! This isn't what it looks like !

"Don't worry, this is training. We'll clean up once we're done."

Megumin: You're not helping !! Pipe down !

Aqua: I knew this would happen sooner or later. Do you need a magical blessing ?

Darkness: Hrr ! You're even going to mount a humiliation assault on me- HMMM ?!

"I thought you were told to pipe down, weren't you ?"

Megumin: GAAAAAAAAAAAAHH !!